Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow. |
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Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-29-2006, 08:44 AM
I wonder, when Jesus comes, will He be displeased
having to hoist so many larders Home?
This is why I am lean and trim:
because I respect my Lord. Because Jesus is not fat
I will not be fat.
Satan, on the other hand, loves to fry fat people.
Fatly unsaved sinners save satan from his needing oil.
FAT unsaved Christians go to hell in a frybasket.
Do you want to go to hell? No!
Do you want to burden God with your lifetime result of pie shoveling? No!
Well, it's high time, fatties, and almost never too late
to diet before you die.
The thin Landover Baptist is considerate to Jesus,
and a thin false christian does his/her bit, at least,
by adding to the overhead (requiring purchase of much mudslime oil) of satan's cooking costs.
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DIET plans are requested.
Put your diet dish recipes and diet resolutions here.
How do you resist the temptation of food?
For myself it's simply a matter of cigarettes and booze.
Peter
PS: You will quickly note by avatars that all Landover True Christians®
are thin, ready, locked and loaded for a Second Coming soon!
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-29-2006, 07:43 PM
Ted Haggard seemed to have quite a successful diet METHod, but now we all know his scandalous secret. One he shares with that Whiney Hou-stoned, I believe.
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-29-2006, 08:00 PM
Thank you for raising this important matter Brother PP.
It is true that the good folk of Landover Bapti$t Church are all perfrctly proportioned.
Chubby chasers should also be avoided.
I apologise for this picture depicting in graphic detail what these fat Homers (probably Australian) look like, but it has to be known:
We have to be careful who we accuse of being a fattie especially as Jesus Christ© himself was wrongly accused.
Luke 7:34
The Son of man is come eating and drinking; and ye say, Behold a gluttonous man, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners!
Beware Gluttons and Winebibbers.
.
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Senior Pastor Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™ Always Biblically correct
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-29-2006, 08:55 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by OnYourKnees
Ted Haggard seemed to have quite a successful diet METHod, but now we all know his scandalous secret. One he shares with that Whiney Hou-stoned, I believe.
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Yes, it's now crystal clear what his method was.
Here's a little incentive for True Christians™ to keep the pounds off. It's well known that lezbertarians idolize fatness. In fact, even nancy boys have gotten into the act with their "bear community." Before reaching for that extra slice of pizza, ask yourself whether you want a bunch of walrus-like sodomites to be warm for your form. I know I don't.
This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.
Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance
Last edited by Pastor Isaac Peters; 11-29-2006 at 09:04 PM.
Reason: added a helpful hint in Christian love
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True Christian™ Princess The Driving Force behind RA12 Have at it, anytime!
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-29-2006, 09:06 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by More Saved Than Thou
walrus-like sodomites
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Oh, Dear God - don't tell me that Brother Brimley has gone...Gay?!!
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Christian Poet Emeritus
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-29-2006, 09:54 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Sue Vera
Oh, Dear God - don't tell me that Brother Brimley has gone...Gay?!!
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I hope not. I only hope he's keeping on his insulin--not too much though, otherwise he would get fatter.
__________
Meet
Blossom Fantry,
a poetess acquaintance of mine.
I do not shun or disdain heavy people.
Most of them are very nice.
Blossom is saved. I have seen to that.
But I cannot save her yet from her eating disorder.
I worry that she will damage Jesus' lower lumbar region.
Blossom, please! Try a venison-only diet?
Many are good Baptists here who'd willingly hand-feed you.
Blossom, I would like Landoverians to know your beauty
is real. I will, by your leave (or not) emplace
a poem of your life-lightings here,
to throb Landoverian Hearts for your beauty-flower;
Beautiful Blossom! oh, sigh...you are
...so goddam fat you may just kill Jesus again
On This Fine Day
by Blossom Fantry
On this fine day of charming banter
Between a Bird and I,
Is heard no strife, but conference
O'er such worms as we'd both have.
Mine shall be meter'd, and Birdie's--not,
And so, we bind our pact
To pluck the "vers" Maid and Bird wish,
Allowing each-the-other
Her most-favored dish.
Mine are straited on a board
Of pine, by hatpins, neatly-so.
And my quilly friend
Appears to be Italian;
How she slurps her noodley prize!
I envy Birdie's wild Abandon
as I pin inch worms onto my board,
And pine...
To be free-mannered as the Bird:
The ideal of slenderness sublimed,
And in such a dainty feather frock!
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Confirmed Enemy of God
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-29-2006, 10:17 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poetic Peter
Meet
Blossom Fantry,
* Shortened quote /PD *
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Hem hem, What width is considered fat? I'm currently taking the Heather Hardwick diet.
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-29-2006, 10:53 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha
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Bobby Joe, wasn't that the picture of the creation science team taken when they were 'just having a bit of fun'?
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-29-2006, 11:52 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poetic Peter
I hope not. I only hope he's keeping on his insulin
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There's no excuse not to.
He has ALL the major brands.
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God Squad
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-30-2006, 08:07 AM
I'm sorry but the amount of uninformed clap trap on this thread has me madder than Samson with a jawbone of an ass!
The word fat is in the Bible nearly 1,000 times! The word diet? NO!
However the word Dieth is in there!
Think about this next time you go on a "Dieth"!
1 Kings, chapter 14
"11": Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it.
The word, "lite"? NO!
WE all know the lord prefers meat to veggies. We all know the good Lord loves a bar be que.
God made us so we get fat and don't have to gouge out our eyes everytime we go standing up. That's why skinny people should go sitting down, or with their eyes closed. Come to think of it, sitting down is a bit homerish.
God gave us beef to eat. Big marbled thick juicy steaks with baked potatoes drowning in sour cream and butter!
The pope is skinny. Great role model there!
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-30-2006, 12:14 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield
I'm sorry but the amount of uninformed clap trap on this thread has me madder than Samson with a jawbone of an ass!
The word fat is in the Bible nearly 1,000 times! The word diet? NO!
However the word Dieth is in there!
Think about this next time you go on a "Dieth"!
1 Kings, chapter 14
"11": Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it.
The word, "lite"? NO!
WE all know the lord prefers meat to veggies. We all know the good Lord loves a bar be que.
God made us so we get fat and don't have to gouge out our eyes everytime we go standing up. That's why skinny people should go sitting down, or with their eyes closed. Come to think of it, sitting down is a bit homerish.
God gave us beef to eat. Big marbled thick juicy steaks with baked potatoes drowning in sour cream and butter!
The pope is skinny. Great role model there!
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Oh dear Brother Mayfield. What sort of behaviour is that, to have a Hissy fit in front of the Congregation?
I understand your "problem" and don't worry yourself, The Landover Fitness Emporium has a regime available for all shapes and sizes. At a price to suit every Christian Wallet.
I agree, Juicy Steak is a certainty on Jesus' menu, but it should all be in moderation as The Lord frowns on Gluttony.
Our weekly BBQ after Church is a classic example of Christian eating at It's best, but our Pastors, especially Al and Ezekiel are so busy with their duties that all excess is burned off within hours.
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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God Squad
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-30-2006, 12:22 PM
I believe in the Bible. The KJV 1611. That's good enough for me. I just hate to see people sliding down the firepole to Hell. It makes me sad to see such libral ideas sneaking in the back door to God's favorite church. That's what we get for letting you gals get so uppity.
It's a sad day indeed for Landover and the rest of the planet.
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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Spiritual Mother of LBC
True Christian™
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-30-2006, 01:19 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield
I believe in the Bible. The KJV 1611. That's good enough for me. I just hate to see people sliding down the firepole to Hell. It makes me sad to see such libral ideas sneaking in the back door to God's favorite church. That's what we get for letting you gals get so uppity.
It's a sad day indeed for Landover and the rest of the planet.
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As a woman, I must agree with our pastor. And I would like to mention that gluttony in the Bible is condemned as it pertains to over-consumption of meat, which is actually bad for you. In addition, drunkardness is included as a condition that is not desirable. I have no doubt that these phrases referred primarily to men who spend too much time at the pub (and not a Godly homemaker who enjoys the occasional bag of Doritos while watching her soaps).
"For the drunkard and the glutton shall come to poverty: and drowsiness shall clothe [a man] with rags"
But as spritual mother of LBC, I am confident that none of God's favorite followers would behave this way.
Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
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Unsaved trash
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-30-2006, 01:23 PM
what about those fatties who are fine with being fat? or god forbid want to be larger, are you condemning them because they're comfortable with their bodies?
also, not all the people who like larger people are gay, there are plenty of straight ones out there, I know several of them myself
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-30-2006, 01:24 PM
Women should not open their mouths in church!
Deuteronomy, chapter 14
"26": And thou shalt bestow that money for whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, for oxen, or for sheep, or for wine, or for strong drink, or for whatsoever thy soul desireth: and thou shalt eat there before the LORD thy God, and thou shalt rejoice, thou, and thine household"
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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Christian Poet Emeritus
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-30-2006, 05:07 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield
I'm sorry but the amount of uninformed clap trap on this thread has me madder than Samson with a jawbone of an ass!
The word fat is in the Bible nearly 1,000 times! The word diet? NO!
However the word Dieth is in there!
Think about this next time you go on a "Dieth"!
1 Kings, chapter 14
"11": Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it.
The word, "lite"? NO!
WE all know the lord prefers meat to veggies. We all know the good Lord loves a bar be que.
God made us so we get fat and don't have to gouge out our eyes everytime we go standing up. That's why skinny people should go sitting down, or with their eyes closed. Come to think of it, sitting down is a bit homerish.
God gave us beef to eat. Big marbled thick juicy steaks with baked potatoes drowning in sour cream and butter!
The pope is skinny. Great role model there!
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Wasted is more apt a word.
Biblical times did not offer Fritos and sour cream and chives and ice cream and pizza and Oreos and Irish coffee.
We know by the "modern" Atkins diet that an all-meat-all-fat diet is slimming, not fattening.
Almost none of the ancients were overweight.
Fatitude was admired, though rarely seen. It was admired for fat denoted wealth. Wealth allowed idleness and a surfeit of sweet starchy foods and excess of drink (also fattening).
Therefore, you are wrong. The fatted calf was one thing. The fatted man? Hardly to be seen.
How many fat people are noted-as-such in the Bible?
One last thing: Look at, say England. Check out a street scene in some typical nice English town; say, Banbury? Compare the average weight of the regular people there, with, say, the weight of the porcine Hutts you see on any given day on Mainstreet, USA.
Other nations may be catching up to us, and are, but we've got them beat by a cow.
mooo, Brother Eliot. Are you not slim?
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-30-2006, 05:20 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poetic Peter
Wasted is more apt a word.
Biblical times did not offer Fritos and sour cream and chives and ice cream and pizza and Oreos and Irish coffee.
We know by the "modern" Atkins diet that an all-meat-all-fat diet is slimming, not fattening.
Almost none of the ancients were overweight.
Fatitude was admired, though rarely seen. It was admired for fat denoted wealth. Wealth allowed idleness and a surfeit of sweet starchy foods.
Therefore, you are wrong. The fatted calf was one thing. The fatted man? Hardly to be seen.
How many fat people are noted-as-such in the Bible?
One last thing: Look at, say England. Check out a street scene in some typical nice English town; say, Banbury? Compare the average weight of the regular people there, with, say, the weight of the porcine Hutts you see on any given day on Mainstreet, USA.
Other nations may be catching up to us, and are, but we've got them beat by a cow.
mooo, Brother Eliot. Are you not slim?
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You raise good points Brother Peter, but should we be making comparisons with those Homers in Europe?
My own argument points to Jesus himself. Have you EVER seen a picture of a fat Jesus Christ?©
I think not!!!
The Chink Budda is a classic case of worshipping a false FAT God.
Remember Brother Mayfield, I may be a Woman, BUT I am also very wealthy and certainly not uppitty.
True Christian™ Women here at Landover will always have a special place at Jesus' side. Unlike the trollop Unsaved Trash that sometimes frequent God's favourite Forum.
We are not "Uppitty" just special in the eyes of our Lord©
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-30-2006, 05:23 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by neko-lear
what about those fatties who are fine with being fat? or god forbid want to be larger, are you condemning them because they're comfortable with their bodies?
also, not all the people who like larger people are gay, there are plenty of straight ones out there, I know several of them myself
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We don't condemn anyone on God's favourite Forum.
We merely believe that what is written in The Bible(KJV1611) is the word of God and should be taken literally.
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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True Christian™ Princess The Driving Force behind RA12 Have at it, anytime!
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-30-2006, 05:30 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha
We don't condemn anyone on God's favourite Forum.
We merely believe that what is written in The Bible(KJV1611) is the word of God and should be taken literally.
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With a "Name" like that ("neko-lear") we must expect that this "person" will go off like a Nucular Bum, Sister Talitha.
JESUS shall be our umbrella from the fallout.
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
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Re: Fatties must DIEt or... -
11-30-2006, 05:37 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Sue Vera
With a "Name" like that ("neko-lear") we must expect that this "person" will go off like a Nucular Bum, Sister Talitha.
JESUS shall be our umbrella from the fallout.
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Praise© Sister Sue.
By the way, perhaps you can clear this matter for us? After all, you have SHOWERED with HIM
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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