[Father Thomas Martin]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Prepared to see the theatrical equivalent of watching a mentally challenged seven year old smash his testicles with a claw hammer, the parents were most taken aback when the boys and I, donning Jesus-era garb, performed the miracle of Jesus' birth with me playing the part of the Virgin Mary.

Ah, Christmas...the only time the Blessed Mother gets ANY love from you folks...glad us Catholics do it year-round!

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Ah, Christmas...the only time the Blessed Mother gets ANY love from you folks...glad us Catholics do it year-round!

Kill yourself.

[SUV]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

beating the lunch lady savagely over the head with a frozen lamb chop

Some of you Boys must have watched Serial Mom. Bless you!

[HTannor]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

I weep for the suffering you must endure while fighting the good fight.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

What was that about breaking into an elementary school and tying up a bunch of children? Glad us Catholics do it year-round!

Fixed.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

On the Home Front, these fine Christians are giving the American Citizens a lesson that needs to be learned.

[SUV]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Well they don't look much like Real Americans. But if they're doing the Lord's Work, they'll have to do

[HTannor]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Well they don't look much like Real Americans. But if they're doing the Lord's Work, they'll have to do

I suppose, Sister SUV.

I just placed a call to Ofc. Don, and he assured me that the Freehold Prison's Firing Squad is much more efficient using the M-60s the city fathers provided them.

[Gabriel Reproba]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

My Dearest Octavia,


It has been a long time since I had an opportunity of writing to you, and I gladly avail myself of the present occasion. I am not certain that I will have a chance of sending this but I will write a few lines anyhow and try and get it off to let you know that I am among the living.


We have been on a raid back into Fort Worth, TX and, unlike previous occasions, I have time to give you the particulars of our trip. I want you to know that our Christmas Spirits are high and give you a flavor of our battle for the Fort Worth Mass Transit Posters. As you may well know, the enemy has made Texas, one of the centers of True Christianity, a high priority in the war. They believe the old saying that, “As goes Tx. so goes the nation.” As our commanding officer, Horrace Ezekial Jackson, II, pointed out, the recent changes that the good people of the Free State of Texas made to their schoolbooks was one of the most resounding shots in the battle against the godless. As he said, “It really put a bee in their burqas.” Well, it seems that bee decided to sting back.


Fort Worth had always put wholesome Christian posters in their transit systems during Christmas. I hesitate to tell you what happened this year, but I will keep my vow I made to you on that grey and cloudy day before I sign up. I will not hold any detail from you, no matter the risk to your feminine sensibilities. But know this, it is enough to make a man go mad. The fact is that the Godless heathens purchased advertising space and put up posters saying, “Millions of Americans are good without God.” My heart aches to tell you this, but it is the truth.


We struck camp just before sunrise and started our attack. With the sun at our backs, we took the number six bus west to the center of town and then transferred to the number 15 on the blue line to go to the Historic Stockyards. From there we would catch the cross-town express to City Hall in time for the debate over the advertising attack. While on route, the evidence of the recent atheist raid was everywhere. No longer was the advertising message on the busses solely a Christian one, it now held atheist propaganda. Many of our men had to turn away, some even emptying their stomachs, as they watched once-good Christian civilians convert to atheism right before their eyes. Later, one of my brothers in arms would report overhearing one civilian say to his wife in a trance-like voice, “You know, I have been a devout Baptist all my life, but after glancing at that one-line poster on the bus over there, I see their point. I hate God now.”


We lost several good men at the midtown bus terminal for the want of exact change. (Supply lines have been unreliable recently with the atheist victories at the Houston Public Library Book Display and the Dallas Fire Dept. Santa-On-A-Truck parade.) Thankfully, most of us made it to the debate.


Once there, we picketed our hearts out. We scrambled for the high moral ground. We screamed and yelled. We threw literature at anything that moved. Unfortunately, the atheists had dug in behind a folding petition table and chairs. As the day wore on, with men running low on leaflets, we slept little and ate even less. When the dust had cleared, the City decided that rather than allow this UnGodly filth be displayed, they would ban all religious themed advertising. For a moment, we cheered, thinking the battle won. But suddenly, it dawned on the men that this meant while the atheists could not spread their lies; it also meant that Christians could no longer spread the Good Word on Fort Worth busses. One of our numbers fell to his knees stretched out his arms to his sides and look up to the heavens as a news helicopter flew over him and screamed, “We just wanted you to ban the Atheists….not everyone!!!! Why, God? Why?!?!?!”


I still don’t know who won that battle. To be honest, I am just glad I survived. I think that at its core, war simply about survival. We will remain in this vicinity, I expect for some time. We need to replenish our supplies and make several talk show appearances to scream about how oppressed we Christians are in this Country.


I must close for fear I do not get to send my letter off. Write often… I will get them sometime. I will write every chance, do not be uneasy when you do not get letters, for when we are scouting around as we have been it is impossible to write or to send them off if we did write. Give my love to my hunting dogs, Pancake and Biscuit, and all the family friends. My love and a thousand kisses to my own sweet Amanda and our little boys. How my heart yearns for thou that are so near and dear to me. Goodbye my own sweet wife, for the present.

As ever your devoted and loving Husband, Gabriel Buford Reproba, Esq.

[HTannor]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

I hope the good Reverends and Pastors of Freehold will award many well-earned medals to our boys serving on the front lines.

It seems little enough to do to make sure these Freedom Fighters are properly recognized for their sacrifices.

[SUV]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

All you Gallant Mens are giving me the strangest feelings...and Right here on Christmas Day, too

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Shout GLORY! The battles rage on!