[ChurchMarketing]

Innovative Books Teach Children to Answer False "Doctrines of Devils"

By Bro. Obadiah Vayne
Church Marketing Specialist ™

As a writer of Christian fiction for children and young adults, I often find myself perusing the children's shelves of my local library in search of new ideas. Now, this little habit of mine has won me quite a few stares, as parents reason within themselves about what might drive a 53 year old man to the same bookshelves as their dear little children, and, of course, I don't blame them - for all they know, I might be a Catholic Priest or worse yet, a Muslim out looking for a young wife to add to his harem. As soon they understand that I am a Fundamental Baptist, however, their suspicions usually quiet down and at times they become quite amiable. I have made quite a few lifelong friends in the children's section of the library, most of whom have been over the age of 30.

So it wasn't surprising that when I visited the biography section of the children's library last summer, I struck up a conversation a young mother and her eight year old daughter. I complimented the mother on her decision to educate her daughter on the lives of important historical figures, and I pointed her towards an excellent mini-biography on Pat Robertson that I thought would be particularly enlightening. Much to my chagrin, however, the young mother informed me that she was trying to educate her daughter about "other faiths" and that she had chosen a book on Buddha for her daughter to read.

Well, of course, I couldn't just stand there and let this innocent eight year old be led down a slippery slope to the devil's spit, so I asked her mother if I could see the book she had chosen; I was holding out hope that it might be a gospel tract refuting the false teachings of Buddha. Unfortunately, my initial alarm at this mother's choice of books was justified - the "biography" proved to be more of a demonic indoctrination text than anything else, even going so far as to inform children that "Buddha stands as one of the greatest religious thinkers of all time." Well, friends, we all know that religion isn't about thinking. You can't think you way into heaven. No, of course not, religion is about FAITH - and that is exactly what Buddha lacked.

Alarmed by the content of the book, I informed the girls mother of the potential dangers of introducing her young child to the world of Buddhism, emphasizing that her choice of books could determine her daughter's eternal destiny and land her smack dab in the middle of hell. When the mother protested that the book was for "educational purposes" only and claimed that she wasn't trying to indoctrinate her daughter into Buddhism, I reminded her that if she truly wanted to educate her daughter about Buddhism, she would be honest enough to tell the little girl that Buddha was a demonically-controlled hunk of lard who is currently roasting like a fat pig on a Hawaiian Bar-B-Q spit. I told her that as a Fundamental Pastor I could not stand by and watch God's little ones go down the road to hell, and that I felt it was my duty to take the book and leave it in the library's waste basket, where it belonged. I reminded her that if she were to come by the church office, I would be happy to give her gospel tracts and other educational materials that would set the record straight on Buddhism and Buddhists.

Now, the Lord often uses little situations like this to inspire us with new ideas, and from this little seed of an incident sprouted the initial idea for my latest series of books for grade school children: Flattening False Faiths: A Child's Guide to the World's Religious Traditions. Written in simple, down-to-earth language your children can understand, this rapidly expanding series introduces children to Satan's many deceptions and explains to them how they can refute these false religions and lead those who have been deceived by them to a saving understanding of our Lord Jesus Christ.

The first book in the series is called Buddha Burns, and was written as a refutation of the biography I encountered in the children's library. Buddha Burns begins with a basic introduction to Buddha's life and presents the key events that led to the foundation of Buddhism in an objective manner. However, unlike most traditional biographies, we, as Fundamental Baptist writers, can go beyond the facts of a historical figure's life to explore what happened after the individual died and came before the Judgment Seat of Christ. These are not speculative matters but are rooted in a firm understanding of Scripture. In the case of Buddha Burns, we turn special attention to the conversation Buddha might have had after he choked on his rotten pork and came face-to-face with the Lord:

"After his death, Buddha put in a memorable appearance before the Great White Throne of Jesus. When asked why he had denied the Savior, Buddha replied that he had spent most of his life contemplating the nature of suffering. The Lord, unimpressed by Buddha's excuses, immediately tossed Buddha into the firey pit of hell, giving Buddha the 'opportunity' to contemplate the nature of suffering for the rest of eternity. Buddha remains in hell until this day. He'll never get out. And neither will you, dear reader, if you follow the satanic path of Buddhism."

This is the type of straight-forward, honest to goodness talk is sure to get your child's attention. Children even learn that, historically, fat was harvested and used as a fuel for lighting fires; hence the godly trade of whaling. With this in mind, children are asked to consider how much more brightly Buddha will burn than your average hellbound sinner and reminded that this is why the Bible warns us to avoid the sin of gluttony. Having established the facts of Buddha's eternal torment in hell, however, we move on to explain how children can help their Buddhist friends escape Buddha's sorry fate. Included in the book is a brief guide to witnessing to Buddhists, including a short list of "fat jokes" that one can use in berating Buddha and his disgusting, slovenly lifestyle.

Our second entry in the Flattening False Faiths series deals with Islam, and is titled Molested by Murderous Muhammad. The book takes the form a young Middle-Eastern girl's diary and explores her emotional journey as her parents are murdered by Muhammad and she is led away captive to his harem. When Khalid, the story's twelve year old heroine, is taken prisoner by "that perverted false prophet," she is forced to wear a garbage bag on her head and is graphically beaten at least twelve times throughout the story. Sure to appeal to young girls, the novel explores key Muslim beliefs and attitudes pertaining to women. It concludes on an upbeat note, when Khalid is rescued by godly Southern Baptist Missionaries and brought to America, where she becomes a Christian and at the behest of her youth pastor finally discards the garbage bag she has been wearing. She marries a godly Christian man and, endowed with the freedom to realize a woman's full potential, spends the rest of her life cooking her husband's favorite meals, doing dishes, and washing his dirty socks. Molested by Murderous Muhammad also includes a special guide to help your children identify a Muslim, including such key traits as: "rag-like hat, garlic breath, pointy beard resembling that shown on traditional depictions of Satan, multiple wives & slaves living in the garage." Children are also given tips for discerning between a "moderate Muslim" and a "radical Muslim" taken from a Bush administration memo that circulated throughout the Department of Homeland Security in 2005.

The third book in the series, Holy Cow!, introduces children to the evils of Hinduism. It is told from the perspective of two fundamentalist missionaries who intend to take a trip to the godly city of Grand Rapids, Michigan, but accidentally step on the wrong plane and wind up in that disgusting flea-ridden pagan hellhole, India. The missionaries wander the streets of India and witness the disturbing impact of Hinduism on a society, including: "...people so skinny they could star in Tales From the Crypt; men with fleas in their beards; people defecating in the public water supply; The Beatles; and a homosexual false god with four arms who is symbolized by a giant stone penis." The missionaries eventually meet a young boy named Dewali who belongs to the "untouchable" caste. Dewali lives in an alleyway and begs for food from any who pass by him. When he approaches the missionaries for food, however, they quickly point out to Dewali that the streets of India are filled with cows:

"You have more beef than Burger King," they told Dewali. "Why don't you go out there and make yourself a nice hamburger, son?"

"But cow is sacred." Dewali replied. "Cow is god, don't you know?"

"No son," They said, digging into their bags of gospel tracts, "Jesus is God - and he ain't no cow. Now we ain't going to give you any food, son, because you've got food walking up and down every street of this wretched dump and you oughtta get off your scrawny backside and get yourself a free steak dinner from one of these bovines."

At the prompting of the missionaries, Dewali must make a choice - either he will kill a 'sacred cow' and feed himself, or he will starve to death. After struggling with the taboos ingrained in him by his religion, Dewali agrees to borrow one of the missionaries' hunting rifles and kill himself a cow. The missionaries show Dewali how to grill a good ol' fashion American hamburger, but by now Dewali has reached the point of no return - forever exiled from Hindu society, he must turn his back on this false religion and come to Jesus as his Lord and Savior.

Following the story, children are given some practical advice on how to win a Hindu for Jesus by using techniques similar to those used by the missionaries in the story. Young readers are advised to throw a "barbecue party" for all of their Hindu friends and inform the little swamis that they will be serving vegetarian hamburgers. Once everyone has eaten and had seconds, however, the Christian children will reveal to their Hindu pals that they have just eaten beef, at which time they will whip out their gospel tracts and lead their Hindu buddies to Christ.

Finally, in the third volume of the series, Money Talks: Conversations With a New York Jew, children learn how to dialogue with their Jewish neighbors. The book follows the misadventures of Sheldon Blumstein, a unlucky Jew who loses a dime down a New York stormdrain. Sheldon goes in search of his lost dime, but winds up finding Jesus instead. The book includes a cut-out gospel tract that resembles an authentic twenty-dollar bill on one side, but has the Romans Road Plan of Salvation on the other side. Children are advised to leave the tract lying on the street in front of their Jewish neighbors' house, as it is sure to catch their attention. In addition, the book includes an excerpt from Shakespeare's classic text on Jewish-Christian relations, The Merchant of Venice. In the excerpt, taken from the closing scenes of the play, children will watch as the lovely Christian woman, Portia, confronts the Jew Shylock in a court of law and lovingly leads him to Christ.

As the Flattening False Religions series continues to expand, we will introduce several more world religions for your child's consideration. Our next book is called Jungle Bungle and covers a variety of indigenous African religions. Children will be introduced to the concept of exorcism and given specific instructions for driving demons out of a tribal witch doctor, as well as practical advice on how to choose a sturdy African convert to mop their church's floor and serve Mint Juleps at their congregation's next pot luck. Look for these informative tales at your favorite Christian retailer.

[Nobar King]

"Buddha stands as one of the greatest religious thinkers of all time." Well, friends, we all know that religion isn't about thinking.

Truer words have never been said, brother.

Praise your righteous effort to try to teach children about the glory of Jesus. It's a never ending battle, but every bit helps. Best of luck with your publishing career.

[ChurchMarketing]

Thank you for your encouragement, Brother Nobar! And may God bless you as continue to speak the hard-hitting truth of His Precious Word.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Glory Brother Obadiah! Praise the Lord for bringing you to the Landover Baptist Church.

"After his death, Buddha put in a memorable appearance before the Great White Throne of Jesus. When asked why he had denied the Savior, Buddha replied that he had spent most of his life contemplating the nature of suffering. The Lord, unimpressed by Buddha's excuses, immediately tossed Buddha into the firey pit of hell, giving Buddha the 'opportunity' to contemplate the nature of suffering for the rest of eternity. Buddha remains in hell until this day. He'll never get out. And neither will you, dear reader, if you follow the satanic path of Buddhism."

If I might make a modest suggestion, Buddha Burns could be subtitled The Last Koan of the Buddah. I would like to see the Buddhists wiggle their way out of that transcendent duality.

[JennyD]

Mr. Marketing, you continue to amaze me! A marketing genius, AND a Godly author! Is there nothing you can't do?

[ChurchMarketing]

Originally Posted by JennyD

Mr. Marketing, you continue to amaze me! A marketing genius, AND a Godly author! Is there nothing you can't do?

Actually there's one thing I can't do, Miss, and that is knowingly deny my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ by compromising with godless liberals.

[ChurchMarketing]

Originally Posted by WilliamJenningsBryan

Glory Brother Obadiah! Praise the Lord for bringing you to the Landover Baptist Church.

Yes, indeed - Praise Him! I was getting sick and tired of wasting my God-given talents marketing Joel Osteen's liberal, feel-good, self-affirming tripe. I had my suspicions about that boy, but when he tried to grab my rump - well, that was the last straw. I knew the Lord was calling me to Landover, and the significant increase in salary that Landover offered me was just the Lord's way of confirming His Will for my life. Glory!

Originally Posted by WilliamJenningsBryan

If I might make a modest suggestion, Buddha Burns could be subtitled The Last Koan of the Buddah. I would like to see the Buddhists wiggle their way out of that transcendent duality.

The last ice cream koan of Buddha was the one I left upside down on his bald head. Oh wait....

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

I ordered three copies each of Buddha Burns, Molested by Murderous Muhammad, Holy Cow!, and Money Talks: Conversations With a New York Jew for our Christian school's library. My books arrived today and I am thrilled with them. The writing is clear and understandable, and the illustrations are top notch. Thank you for your excellent work, Brother.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

[Father Thomas Martin]

Can I stock a few copies over at the St. Albert the Great library? (Or would the Catholic Church be the topic of book number five?)

[JennyD]

What a great idea, Thomas Martian!

Mary: Mother of God, Whore of Babylon might be a good title.

[Father Thomas Martin]

Originally Posted by JennyD

What a great idea, Thomas Martian!

Mary: Mother of God, Whore of Babylon might be a good title.

How dare you say that about Jesus' mother!

Jesus was there when "Honor your father and mother" was written! You apologize to Him RIGHT NOW!

(Read the Bible, look her up, and you won't be bashing her so much now!)

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

How dare you say that about Jesus' mother!

Jesus was there when "Honor your father and mother" was written! You apologize to Him RIGHT NOW!

(Read the Bible, look her up, and you won't be bashing her so much now!)

Major Tom, we have read the Bible and looked her up, and as we've told you repeatedly, your "Blessed Virgin Mary" goddess is a satanic parody of the real Mary as described in Scripture. Of course, you have stopped up your ears against sound teaching and scream, "So-and-so is a liar!" whenever we present Biblically sourced evidence.

Brother Vayne, I do believe that Major Tom has given you an excellent suggestion for your next book.

[Father Thomas Martin]

Why do you call me "Major" Tom? I never served in the military!

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

Why do you call me "Major" Tom? I never served in the military!

In other words, you can't answer the substance of what I said.

[Father Thomas Martin]

Originally Posted by Pastor Isaac Peters

In other words, you can't answer the substance of what I said.

If he does make that next book, do I get 5%?

And who do you say the real Mary is? What's your description?

Elizabeth said when she visited: "Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb. But who am I that the Mother of my Lord should come to me?"

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Brother Obadiah! I stand in awe and amazement; never has such a long felt want been so richly fulfilled.

My 12 sons and 8 daughters have delivered me, so far, 46 grandchildren, with one more in the oven doing nicely. I ordered a copy of each for all of them and appreciate the discount for quantity. I awaited their delivery with a similar joy of anticipation as we await the Rapture. I was not disappointed.

(Warning spoilers follow)

In Molested by Murderous Muhammad the pop-ups of the severing of limbs is beyond compare.

In Buddha Burns, the scratch-‘n-sniff fiery pit is a genius touch.

In Holy Cow, I do not know how you managed to obtain the quality of the art work – as the Untouchable Caste female, with the starving child, has her kidneys removed by the Brahman doctor…one can fairly feel the pain.

In Money Talks: Conversations With a New York Jew, the 2 elder generations of the Bathfire family nodded sagely as the hero’s father, Izzy Blumstein, charges Sheldon $5 for an extra portion of sour cream at his own Bah Mitzvah.

There is so much education and well-researched truths here and so lovingly prepared.

I am pleased, but not surprised, to hear Jungle Bungle has over 100,000 advance sales already – I’m amongst them!

Please, you really must put your ideas to work on the anti-Christ in Rome.

[Nobar King]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

Why do you call me "Major" Tom? I never served in the military!

'Major Tom' is a Space Cadet. Haven't you ever heard the song? It's about a homo astronaut.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

And who do you say the real Mary is? What's your description?

Elizabeth said when she visited: "Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb. But who am I that the Mother of my Lord should come to me?"

Oh, that's just too easy.

Luke 11:27-28: And it came to pass, as he spake these things, a certain woman of the company lifted up her voice, and said unto him, Blessed [is] the womb that bare thee, and the paps which thou hast sucked. But he said, Yea rather, blessed [are] they that hear the word of God, and keep it.

Don't make that same mistake. Join us in True Christianity™, so you can hear the Word of God, keep it, and be blessed.

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

Originally Posted by Pastor Isaac Peters

In other words, you can't answer the substance of what I said.

He never does. He is proven wrong time and time again, but that never stops him from attempting to derail the discussion or bringing up the same discredited objections over and over again.

[Father Thomas Martin]

Well, the most graphic violence on the history of the boards, would be a description of the things I would rather have happen to me here on earth than leave Rome for Freehold and punch my one-way ticket to hell.