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Default Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-24-2007, 04:40 PM

Friends, it seems God has willed that Dr. Laurie retire from her post as the Freehold Truth And Light advice columnist. She is retiring because she has other priorities, and there is no truth whatsoever in the medication scandal rumors.

To celebrate her distinguished career, here are a few of her most popular works:

What Would Jesus Do with Dr. Laurie

So, who needs advice? I've got a PHD here, surely I know more about your life than you do! Let's here it: people needing to hit their kids more, wives needing to submit to their husbands, children who need to shut up and obey, I have advice for everyone.

Does Jesus talk to you, but your liberal-bias mental health worker wrongly diagnosed you as paranoid scitsophrenic? Are you having trouble deciding between following the Bible and obeying secular laws? Need a way to teach your wife to respect and obey without leaving visible marks? The doctor is in.

Are you an unbeliever? Let your empty, souless, pointless existence be filled with the loving light of Jesus Christ, thanks to the advice-giving of Dr. Laurie Schwarzkopf, PHD! Jewish or Muslim? Let the doctor slap some sense into you (with a porkchop!) Hindu? Same thing, only with beef ribs! Let the advice giving begin!

Quote:
Dear Laurie, Last year I suffered a workplace accident that paralysed me below the waist, and I am learning to use a wheelchair. I have accepted offers of faith healing and everybody I know and meet is praying for me, but it seems Jesus just plain wants me to be in a wheelchair, but I cannot believe how hard it is to move a wheelchair around Landover, there is nothing but stairs everywhere, no ramps. What I find especially difficult is getting to church - nobody offers to help me get up the stairs, when I ask, they just say "read the Bible". Is it rude to ask for help?

Signed Outside Looking In
Darling, you have already recieved good advice: read the Bible:

Leviticus 21
16. And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying,
17. Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.
18. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,
19. Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded,
20. Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;
21. No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the Lord made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God.

Honey, you have a blemish, and that means you can't come to Church. I'm sure there's some cafeteria Christians who pick and choose what they want to believe who might help you, but they will just be wheeling you down the slimey, spiralling pit that leads to the boiling torment of eternal hellfire.

Lame and crookbackt people can be saved, they just can't come to church, that's all. Now please stop sitting outside on Sunday and crying, it looks really strange and the non-Churchgoers have started talking.


Quote:
dere laury ive got a problem my poor neybor will be evicted if she cant pay the rent, shes a poor christian refugee from lebanon and her husband went missing in the war there and she has 6 kids and is hard of hereing. she had 4 job interviews last weak just like every weak but nobody will higher her because shes deaf and they think shes a moslem terrahist. she needs 500 dollers or she will be kicked out on the street, the landlord has done that to tenants before. i have 500 dollers and i think i should help her, but i really, really want this spa vacation, they put this really fancie mud on you and its in the mountains. ive been lookin forward to this for a long time. WHAT WOULD JESUS DO SIGNED SARAH.

What Would Jesus Do? Good question, in fact Jesus was once in a situation very similar to yours. Jesus liked those spa things, he was especially into foot-washing, especially having his feet rubbed by a woman's hair with extremely expensive ointment:

"Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair."

– John 12:3

A pound of Spikenard Ointment at that time was worth 300 denarii, or about year's wages.

Surely, says Judas, the money could have gone to the poor? Jesus says no way,

"For the poor always ye have with you; but me ye have not always."

– John 12.8

So, What Would Jesus Do? Have a woman wipe ointment worth tens of thousands of dollars on his feet with her hair, while telling the poor to shut up and get a job, that's What Jesus Would Do. In your case, 500 bucks of spa mud will be close enough.

Quote:
Dear Doctor Laurie:

My husband has just returned from Iraq and boy has he changed. He is afraid of crowds, he drives fast as a maniac, always changing lanes to avoid every piece of litter he sees, and no matter how many times I nag him that he's not in Iraq anymore and nobody is trying to kill him, he just keeps on acting weird. At night he often wakes up all freaked-out and sweating. Worst of all he has given up job-hunting, most of the time he just sits in the basement, drunk. I makes me so worried, I know that drinking and sloth are sins, what can I possible (sic) do?

Signed, Shell-shocked and shell-appalled
Dear Shocked:

If I was some sort of permissive liberal doctor, I would probably talk about nonsense like PTSD, which in reality means Pansy-Treated-Softy-Disorder, basically in the good old days it was called "cowardice" and "having no moral fibre". By being afriad, your husband is disobeying the word of the LORD:

In Isaiah 41:13 God says "Do not fear I will help you..." and Jeremiah 1:8 "Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you". A true Christian cannot suffer combat stress because when you turn to the Lord Jesus Christ you recieve real inner peace. Anyone who does not feel the peace of Christ apon them obviously has not accepted Him into their heart. Jesus said in John 10:27-28 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

That is a command straight from God: DO NOT BE AFRAID. This is why the origonal method of treating "shell shock" in WW1 was with punishment, especially electric shocks. Back in the days before permissive liberals, we could literally shock the hell out of malingerers and cowards, shocking heavenly peace back into them.

PS. drinking is not in itself a sin, Jesus himself turned water into wine to entertain people who were already tipsy. Debauchery, lewdness and generally having fun while being drunk is definately a sin, but there's nothing in the Bible saying drinking and not enjoying it is bad. As long as he's miserable while drunk, the Bible is okay with him.

Quote:
My question, must I okay my Husband if he is doing something that the Lord wouldn't approve of? He wants me to get all lickered up parade around in front of him like a harlot.(and now I don't even earn tips)
I look forward to your wise insight!
I trust your husband is a Christian? If so, then it's bottoms up, in more ways than one! Remember, Noah also liked to drink and be naked, and his son Ham rebuked him, and had his decendants (blacks) cursed to slavery in punishment for dishonoring thy mother and they father. ( Genesis 9:20-27 )

Long story short, the social hiearchy is the most important value, far more important than sobriety and modesty. Obey your those who God place above you! And don't forget to give little kicks to those God places below you, you know God put them there for a reason.

Quote:
Things with my wife have gotten blahh in bed, you know what I mean? What advice do you have?

-Signed Nospice
Here is Jesus talking on the subject of Polygamy:

Matthew 25:1:

"Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom”

So Jesus sees nothing unseemly about marrying 10 virgins.

Right next to the Ten Commandments it says God has no trouble with you taking another wife:

Exodus 21:10: “If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish”

So what are you worrying about? You already know what to do!

Quote:
I want to donate to the church but my mum is on benefits and my dad is already in serious debt and would never get a credit card. Besides how many parents do you know that would let their kid use their credit card and spend $10 000? Advice?
My advice to you is do get away from this sinful family of yours. Jesus clearly says HE is far more important than any family.

Here are some readings from the book of Luke. Here Jesus wants a recent convert to become a missionary right away. The convert says he will, but he has to bury is dead father first. Jesus points that if he does that he will burn in hell forever:

9:59
And he said unto another, Follow me. But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.

9:60
Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God.

9:61
And another also said, Lord, I will follow thee; but let me first go bid them farewell, which are at home at my house.

9:62
And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.

Jesus says families will break up as a result of his teachings, and that's what he intends:

12:51
Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division:

12:52
For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three.

12:53
The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

So here is God's advice to you: get rid of your family, and join your TRUE family: True Christians™

14:26
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

14:33
So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.

One final point: Jesus was crucified beside a thief, and when the dying thief became a believer, Jesus promised to dine with him in Heaven. Personally. So, once again God's advice is clear: when you leave your family, steal as much as you can carry, and you too will dine with Jesus in heaven.


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Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 09-24-2007 at 08:49 PM.
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-25-2007, 07:15 AM

She will be missed.


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-25-2007, 10:38 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
She will be missed.
Indeed. Often, what God wants to say isn't what fallen humanity wants to hear, but Dr. Laurie stuck close to the Bible.


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-25-2007, 06:29 PM

Well, I guess I'd better put my name forward and apply for this most important of Freehold News Columns.

You all know how compassionate I am, how good I am with children and I have a vast experience gained straight from The University of Life.
(Which we won't go into right now).
I know you will be flooded out with applicants, especially Ex-Papist ugly old Hags, but in the end I'm sure common sense will prevail



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being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-25-2007, 07:23 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
Well, I guess I'd better put my name forward and apply for this most important of Freehold News Columns.
Okay, we've saved up the really easy questions for job applicants.(Consider this your "casting couch")

A real softball question, I'm sure you'll hit it out of the park:

Quote:
I am the owner of a small roadside attraction, which I hope to turn into a full zoo (With a Noah's Ark theme). Right now there's not much, but I am very proud of my star preformers, two polar bears. I'm located at
Okay, the rest is basically him using us for free advertising. Then finally he gets to the question:
Quote:
I have trouble dealing with children. If I hear one more "bald eagle" joke I will seriously lose my temper. I provide these kids with top-notch entertainment and they're more interested in making fun of my male-pattern baldness? This generation of kids is totally undiciplined, totally out of line. I feel that something must bedone to set an example.

I am afraid that next time some brat makes a "chrome-dome" comment I will lose my temper utterly. What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do?
Well, talk about a column that writes itself!


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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-25-2007, 07:47 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond View Post
Okay, we've saved up the really easy questions for job applicants.(Consider this your "casting couch")

A real softball question, I'm sure you'll hit it out of the park:


Okay, the rest is basically him using us for free advertising. Then finally he gets to the question:


Well, talk about a column that writes itself!
Oh Jeb, how can you possibly ask someone so used to the casting Couch such an easy one?

First of all I'd normally say that he should Tazer the Brats, but in this case I'd have to play it differently. Biblically a bald head could be a sign of Leprosy. Leviticus is quite clear:
Quote:
Leviticus 13:43 Then the priest shall look upon it: and, behold, if the rising of the sore be white reddish in his bald head, or in his bald forehead, as the leprosy appeareth in the skin of the flesh.
we then go further...............
Quote:
Micah 1:16: Make thee bald, and poll thee for thy delicate children; enlarge thy baldness as the eagle; for they are gone into captivity from thee.
The Bible QUITE CLEARLY mentions Baldy heads, Eagles and children with the added risk of Leprosy.
I'd say those kids had it right. That Guy shouldn't have been operating without a proper Entertainers License in the first place and he was darn lucky that the Ladies of Landover weren't notified or he'd have been Stoned to death.

THEN we'd have let loose the Bears to deal with those pesky Children:

Quote:
2 Kings 2:24: And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
I think that covers it nicely



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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-25-2007, 08:37 PM

Acceptable for a first-timer. (Bet you haven't been called THAT for a while!)

You should have addressed your response to the writer, not to me. And give the full bible story, not just one line. People like to say "it's out of context" and then continue with their sinful ways.

We'll see if anyone else applies for the job before coming to a final decision.



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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-25-2007, 08:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond View Post
Acceptable for a first-timer. (Bet you haven't been called THAT for a while!)

You should have addressed your response to the writer, not to me. And give the full bible story, not just one line. People like to say "it's out of context" and then continue with their sinful ways.

We'll see if anyone else applies for the job before coming to a final decision.
I'm so glad the decision Isn't YOURS to make.



Sister Talitha

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being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-25-2007, 09:13 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
I'm so glad the decision Isn't YOURS to make.
Well, it's up to the board of directors, of which I'm a member. These are a group of sober, professional Christian businessmen and your regular tactics of flattery, seductiveness, and over-inflated promises won't help you here. Especially since the majority stockholder has just gotten himself a young, blonde girlfriend who I'm sure you'll never be able to compete with.


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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-25-2007, 09:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond View Post
Well, it's up to the board of directors, of which I'm a member. These are a group of sober, professional Christian businessmen and your regular tactics of flattery, seductiveness, and over-inflated promises won't help you here. Especially since the majority stockholder has just gotten himself a young, blonde girlfriend who I'm sure you'll never be able to compete with.
Yawn.................
My Triple Platinum Tithe beats her pathetic Tin Tithe ANYDAY!

So....................as you don't seem to need my mature expertise perhaps I ought to withdraw my application.
I can afford to buy the Newspaper anyway.
Perhaps a new Board of Directors under a new Major Shareholder is what's really called for here.
"regular tactics of flattery, seductiveness, and over-inflated promises" eh?
I have a long memory Jeb Thurmond



Sister Talitha

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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 02:13 AM

Hmmm. I'm not sure if going in the direction of a dried-up, barren spinster is the best idea. Surely the best woman for this position would be a happily married True Christian™ who has a husband to help gently guide her through the more difficult questions.


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 02:43 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria View Post
Hmmm. I'm not sure if going in the direction of a dried-up, barren spinster is the best idea. Surely the best woman for this position would be a happily married True Christian™ who has a husband to help gently guide her through the more difficult questions.
Speaking of Brother Joe Whitford how's he doing? That was really impressive the way he ran in Jeb's place after Brother Leone. Few men on Security Detail have the sand to keep up with Brother Leone when Leone's in one of those moods. I hope Joe is not in too much pain.



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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 02:54 AM

Mr. Whitford is doing wonderfully! I am certainly blessed to have him in my life.


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 03:13 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria View Post
Mr. Whitford is doing wonderfully! I am certainly blessed to have him in my life.
What's Mr. Whitford's name when 'he' isn't in drag as a man?


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Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 03:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria View Post
Hmmm. I'm not sure if going in the direction of a dried-up, barren spinster is the best idea. Surely the best woman for this position would be a happily married True Christian™ who has a husband to help gently guide her through the more difficult questions.
Okay, here's your test question:

Quote:
Dear Dr Laurie,

I don't know who to ask about this sensitive problem. I caught my brother doing the m thing. At first i just shut the door and went off to my room to cry. Then later i realized it was my duty to make him stop. I told him he'd go to Hell because you shouldn't spill your seed on the ground. But he said he was using a sock so it was ok. Is this true?
kathy smith


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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 04:44 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
What's Mr. Whitford's name when 'he' isn't in drag as a man?
Pastor Al! We keep telling you he wasn't trying to come on to you in the church restroom the other day! He just does his business with a wide stance!


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 05:11 AM

Quote:
Dear Sister Mary Maria,

I don't know who to ask about this sensitive problem. I caught my brother doing the m thing. At first i just shut the door and went off to my room to cry. Then later i realized it was my duty to make him stop. I told him he'd go to Hell because you shouldn't spill your seed on the ground. But he said he was using a sock so it was ok. Is this true?
kathy smith
Kathy, I have some bad news for you. Your brother is male, and so he obviously has a tallywhacker. When he defiles himself that way, he is having sexual pleasure by touching male body parts, and what kind of "man" enjoys touching tallywhackers? A filthy sodomite, of course.
All is not lost yet, however. Currently he's only touching himself down there, but the next step is touching other men, and from there it's a short trip to touching boys, perhaps even degenerating enough to join the Catlick "church" as a "priest".
There should still be time for an intervention. Set up an immediate appointment with the church's pastors, and look into getting your brother into Betty Bowers' BASH Ministry as soon as possible. If this is caught early, it can be turned around before he starts wearing make-up and sashaying around San Fransissyco looking for a sugar daddy.
After all of that, we haven't even touched on the murder yet! Every seed he spills is the deliberate killing of an unborn baby that should have been deposited in the womb of his Godly wife. If God chooses to kill the babies by causing them to be flushed from his tallywhacker in his sleep, that's one thing. But for him to do it himself is playing God, and that just won't do.
Until you can get him to the pastors and to the BASH headquarters, there is only one other thing you can do. Pray. Pray hard, and get your brother to pray too. I shall pray too. God bless you, Kathy, that you should care so much about saving your brother's soul when your parents are obviously drugged up hippies with an anything goes lifestyle, or they would have put an end to this foolishness before it even got started.


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

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Jeb Stuart Thurmond Jeb Stuart Thurmond is offline
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 06:01 AM

Excellent reply, but you did not quote scripture.

Many false Christians are unaware that the Bible clearly states that sperms are human beings, ("Before you where in the womb I knew ye") and that the proper treatment for homosexuality is execution.

Quoting scripture will make it difficult for your readers to ignore your advice.

Looks like we"re going to need a tiebreaker.


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Talitha Talitha is offline
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 08:30 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by someone of no consequence
Excellent reply, but you did not quote scripture.


Quoting scripture will make it difficult for your readers to ignore your advice.

Looks like we"re going to need a tiebreaker.
She's an Ex-Cattlicker what do you expect?
Stupid Wench probably doesn't know any Scripture!! The only "previous experience she's likely to have had is being diddled by Mother Superior or one of hose Cattylicking Priests.
For her information I AM NOT A SPINSTER
I have been VERY happily Married many times before Jesus took away my dear beloved.

Oh................ About a year ago I got this "Gut-Wrenching" letter which may help to be the tie-breaker. Although this is all getting a litle boring now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cattlicking Nun
Dear Sister Talitha.
As you can see from this letter-head I am writing to you from a Convent.
We have a Computer in the Convent Offices which I sneak out of bed and use at night. I found your Church mentioned many times and realise what a kind, considerate and generous person YOU are.
Have you ever thought of being an agony Aunt?

I have been a Catholic all my life and at the tender age of 12 became a Nun.
Please Sister Talitha HELP ME! I have to get out of here and escape the clutches of all these wicked people. Mother Superior is the worst of the lot and when she gets out her Clockwork Cucumber I think my life is going to end!
I hate it here and would certainly give my life over to Jesus Christ if I ever escape this Catholic nightmare.
Yours in Mary
Sister MarY Maria O'Flattery
Of course normally I wouldn't give away the persons full name but.............. Hey-Ho.



Sister Talitha

Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 10:35 AM

Strange that there would be two Mary Marias in this world, but that other one has the clear misfortune of being Irish! Why, she must spend almost as much time under the influence of alcohol as yourself, dear sister!
I do have to wonder what she means by "agony aunt" though. Is that some Mick term for bull dyke such as yourself as most Irish papist nuns aspire to be?


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1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

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