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MEET CHRISTIAN SINGLES! Who knows? The love of your life might be here! All the single men are GODLY and all the single ladies are virgins...........for the most part.

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Default Gettin' hitcheded - 04-20-2007, 09:35 PM

PRAISE JESUS! I's found me a Godly mens to marry! He be a member of Pastor BJ's Pastoral Security Staff. This picture of him be a few years old, but it be the most recent one of him where he ain't in his robe (though his friends in the background be).



Now, I know what y'all is thinkin', that with that huge nose and them sinister, bushy eyebrows he must be a joo. Well, it true that he had USED to be a joo, but he had repented of his Christ-killin' ways long ago and had even personally axed the Lord fo' forgiveness fo' his part in His temporary death! Praise God for a mens that be able to admit his faults! For y'all that recognizes him, yes, that do be Ira Keikowitz. We has only been seein' each other for a coupla weeks, but we could feel that our relationship was anointed! We had axed the LORD fo' His blessing fo' us to marry and we had received it! PRAISE!

He such a great mens, he get along with my chillrens and everything. And his place on the security staff be well deserved... he had took care of a loiterin' Messican near the front gates the other day. I can't say exactly what occurred on account of this is the internets and just anybody can come up in here and read, but I will say that that Messican got what was comin' to him and then some! Oooo, it were a glurrious sight! They some small problems, though. To gives you a example, he still haves LOTS of money from his penny pinchin' joo days (PRAISE!!), but he do not tithe nearly as much of it as he should. Also, when we was walkin' out to the car at Wal-Marts the other night, it had took us 30 minutes to get there because he had done stopped to pick up every penny, nickel, and dime he seen. But when we's married, I'mma feed him plenty of chitlins, pig's feet, and pata negra so that that pork can kill off the remaining jooism in his system. Glory to GOD!!

We's gonna be married Weddenesday and I'mma post pictures from the wedding on here when that happen. Of course, all True Christians™ folk is invited. We isn't axin' for no wedding presents, just that y'all tithes at least 15% more than y'all usually do when Sunday come around, because JESUS be the one that had blessed us! Hallelujah! I'll leave y'all with the most recent picture of Ira in his new robe (note them Godly crosses he be wearin'). Oh, that reminds me... I gotsa go wash that to get it ready for the wedding! Anyway, God bless y'all!




"He went on CNN and he laughed at us, and he said, 'They'll never get me because Allah will protect me. Allah will protect me.' Well, you know what? I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God and his was an idol." - Lt. General William G. Boykin
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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 04-21-2007, 02:14 PM

Well Praise Jesus and congratulations sister Lateefah.

Imagine the great glory of Jesus, that a Christ-killing, hook-nosed jewboy (ex), and a lazy, welfare-cheating nappy-headed nigra ho (ex) could be joined in a union of Holy Matrimony before God! I can honestly say that I never imagined such an.....interesting conglomeration of humanity would ever seek to be married at Landover Baptist. Unfortunately, I will be out of town when you two crazy kids want to tie the knot. And I'm fairly certain that the church is booked solid for awhile....Perhaps you could arrange for the ceremony and reception at the Cracker Barrel restaurant out on Dead Indian Road on the south side of Freehold? Either that or Little Black Sambo's down on Strom Thurmond Avenue?

Does this mean that you will be Mrs. Lateefah Keikowitz now?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 04-21-2007, 03:36 PM

Felicitations, Sister! With hair like that, he must be a Godly Man indeed.
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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 04-22-2007, 07:34 PM

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Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Well Praise Jesus and congratulations sister Lateefah.

Imagine the great glory of Jesus, that a Christ-killing, hook-nosed jewboy (ex), and a lazy, welfare-cheating nappy-headed nigra ho (ex) could be joined in a union of Holy Matrimony before God! I can honestly say that I never imagined such an.....interesting conglomeration of humanity would ever seek to be married at Landover Baptist. Unfortunately, I will be out of town when you two crazy kids want to tie the knot. And I'm fairly certain that the church is booked solid for awhile....Perhaps you could arrange for the ceremony and reception at the Cracker Barrel restaurant out on Dead Indian Road on the south side of Freehold? Either that or Little Black Sambo's down on Strom Thurmond Avenue?

Does this mean that you will be Mrs. Lateefah Keikowitz now?
Well, you know, that be the strangest thang, because one o' the reasons I had done picked Weddenesday is because I had been under the impression that they wasn't much goin' on that day. But when I had called them folk at the church to axe them about that and they had axed who I was, they had told me the exact same thang you had just said. With a church this big, I guess stuff just be bound to pop up. But oh, I had been devverstated behind that! I din't know what we was gonna do! I feels a bit better now that I has gotten some Godly recommendations from a pastor, though! Praise!

That Cracker Barrel... well, I had been there and they gots some great food and all, but fo' some reason, they just somethin' that seem wrong to me about havin' my weddin' up in a place that have to do with crackers. I can't quite put my foot on what it be. That Sambo place seem ideal, though. One of my smallest chillrens be named Sambo, so I figures we can have that weddin' in his honor and make him feel like he all special up in there. It do be such a shame that you is not gonna be there, Pastor Zeke! Especially since you's the one that had done gave us the Godly suggestion on where to have it. But I know you has selflessly devoted yo life to the Lord and have to do them thangs He call you to do such as playing golf. And yes, I's gonna be Mrs. Lateefah Keikowitz! That name have a special ring to it, don't it? PRAISE THE LORD!!
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Felicitations, Sister! With hair like that, he must be a Godly Man indeed.
Why, thank you fo' yo kind comments! I had them same thoughts myself, that when you look at his hair and my hair, it be as if the LORD had made us fo' each other! Hallelujah!!


"He went on CNN and he laughed at us, and he said, 'They'll never get me because Allah will protect me. Allah will protect me.' Well, you know what? I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God and his was an idol." - Lt. General William G. Boykin
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Lightbulb Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 04-25-2007, 06:08 AM

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Originally Posted by bootiful Sista Lateefah View Post
when you look at his hair and my hair, it be as if the LORD had made us fo' each other!
both your hairs so bootiful, i be wonderin what you gonna do wiv them hairs for your weddings day? maybee you could hangs some fat liddle angels from them chopper blades!
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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 04-25-2007, 07:39 PM

Oh Girl!! I'm so happy for you and you made such a lovely bride!!!!!

I hope you enjoyed the bucket of chicken, watermellon and case of Pabst Blue Ribbon I sent over to congratulate you two lucky kids!

Look, I just got my pictures developed. I though you would enjoy this.

Delighted, Sister Thumper
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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 04-25-2007, 07:50 PM

Congratulations Layteefah! You have a mighty fine future husband there and a lot to be proud of. After last Wednesday we all call him the "Hammer" now! Oh boy, he just don't stop when he gets going. I have never seen a Joo boy who could hit that hard and that long!

BTW Zeke, I am sad to say we are sure that missing gardener of your Rodriguez skipped town. I am sure he won’t be coming back.

BTTW Thanks Sister Talitha for loaning me your husbands old wood chipper. I will have it back after it’s been cleaned and repainted.



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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 04-25-2007, 10:10 PM

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Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
BTTW Thanks Sister Talitha for loaning me your husbands old wood chipper. I will have it back after it’s been cleaned and repainted.
That's OK Pastor BJ He's dead anyway so unlikely to miss it!
Those Bones certainly make a mess of the blades, but the woodchipper cleans up really well with a good Powerwash

Oh, nearly forgot to say CONGRATULATIONS to our Sister. You make such a wonderful couple.



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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 04-25-2007, 10:35 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
Congratulations Layteefah! You have a mighty fine future husband there and a lot to be proud of. After last Wednesday we all call him the "Hammer" now! Oh boy, he just don't stop when he gets going. I have never seen a Joo boy who could hit that hard and that long!

BTW Zeke, I am sad to say we are sure that missing gardener of your Rodriguez skipped town. I am sure he won’t be coming back.

BTTW Thanks Sister Talitha for loaning me your husbands old wood chipper. I will have it back after it’s been cleaned and repainted.
Well that's the 12th or 13th wetback gardener I've lost this year, and its only April! Those burrito chompers are so unreliable. But thanks for you very hard work brother BJ. You and the boys always get a good workout when my help goes missing, don't you.

Anyways, send me a new one next time you catch one of those boys in the compound. Maybe the next greaser will stay away from the bear cage.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 04-27-2007, 09:08 AM

Praise Jesus!! That wedding had been about as much fun as I had ever had in my life! Ira had invited his old rabbi over, but that old joo din't know that Ira be a True Christian™ now! OooooWHEEE he had been in fo' a surprise! We had some fuuuuuun playin' a pinata game with him. But instead of candy fallin' out like happen with a regular pinata, each swing o' the baseball bat done brought out MONEY with this pinata! When it was my turn, I had won 35 bucks, but they was a lot more where that had come from! Almost everybody in there had got some money from that game, so it had done been a good time for everybody... except for the ole rabbi.

As I had promised y'all, here be some pictures that had been took at the wedding. They wasn't much colored pictures tookeded, but Ira said that the way it 'sposed to be. Wonder what he had meant by that. Anyway, that security staff sure do be havin' some patriotic and Godly folk up in there. I had felt like the 4th of July had came early! PRAISE!



That had been at the very start of the wedding where they was this huge ceremony. They had lit up a cross so the light of JESUS be shinin' on our matrimonies up in there! It had been very dramatics, but it were a glurrious sight. Praise! And here be a picture of them boys partyin' at the reception. I never knew they was so much folk on that security team!



They's plenty of other pictures, but I ain't postin' 'em because most of them had been took at that party, and thangs got a little crazy with that pinata! So them pictures do not be internet appropriate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
Oh Girl!! I'm so happy for you and you made such a lovely bride!!!!!

I hope you enjoyed the bucket of chicken, watermellon and case of Pabst Blue Ribbon I sent over to congratulate you two lucky kids!

Look, I just got my pictures developed. I though you would enjoy this.

Delighted, Sister Thumper
Praise the LORD, I think that be my most favoritest picture of the bunch!! And me, Ira, and the chillrens be very thankful for everything you had sent over to us. That had done been very kind and thoughtful of you, Sista! Just about everybody that had came to that wedding had brought chicken and watermelon and good LORD I had never seen so much of that stuff in my life! It's a good thing I haves all them chillrens, because they's doin' a good job at takin' care of all that. They had already ate half of it and I reckons they is gonna take care of the rest of it by tomorrow. Anyway, thank y'all for y'all congatcherlations and y'all kind comments. And Ira said to tell y'all he gonna need to use that woodchipper y'all be talkin' 'bout.


"He went on CNN and he laughed at us, and he said, 'They'll never get me because Allah will protect me. Allah will protect me.' Well, you know what? I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God and his was an idol." - Lt. General William G. Boykin
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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 04-27-2007, 01:34 PM

Where are you two lovebirds going on your honeymoon?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 05-03-2007, 05:58 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Where are you two lovebirds going on your honeymoon?
Well, we's been tryin'a figure that out over the past few days. We had rushed into this weddin', so we hadn't gave that honeymoon thang much thought. We knew we was goin' to Washington D.C., but we couldn't figure out where else we wanted to go. Also, we din't know what we was gonna do with the chillrens, because my old Auntie watch them a lot, but she needa break from dealin' with them all.

Well, apparently Miss Dora Denkins had heard 'bout that weddin', because she had done did showed up at our do' (partially clothed this time - THANK JESUS!) offerin' to watch them chillrens while we was away on our honeymoon. Ooooo, I din't trust her one bit! But Ira had thought it was a good idea on account that she was gonna watch 'em fo' free. I was especially disturbed that she had been givin' unnatural looks to them older boys o' mine (the retarded one in particlar) as well as one girl that she had mistook for a boy!

But Ira had taught them chillrens some special techniques he knowed on how to deal with her if she try anything, so I know they be safe now, which more than I can say fo' Miss Denkins. We had also left them some money and the phone numbers for a driveby fried chicken place, because I doesn't trust that Denkins lady's cookin' up in there.

Anyways, after the chillren sitchation has been straightened out, we was gonna go to Washington D.C. like I said, because we's gonna try to meet our Godly President and his wife in the White House up in there. I know they both is so busy, but I figure maybe if we tells them that we's members of LBC as well as I be a Honorary White Woman and he be a ex-joo, they might consider it. After we goes to D.C., then we is headed to the Montijello (unGodly Thomis Jefrason's old house), where Ira gonna be lightin' up one o' his crosses. I just hope he don't get it too close to that house when he do.

After that, our final stops is gonna be headin' to South Carolina to pay our respecks at Strom Thurmond's grave, then we's gonna go to Missississippippippippi (I hoped I spelleded that right) to see if we can meet Missus Betty Bowers while we be there. Well, we gotsa finish gettin' ready to go. Our plane take off in just a coupla hours. I'mma keep all y'all in my prayers! And Ira had bought me this laptop thang so I can help y'all rebukes them sinners even when we's on vacation. PRAISE!!


"He went on CNN and he laughed at us, and he said, 'They'll never get me because Allah will protect me. Allah will protect me.' Well, you know what? I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God and his was an idol." - Lt. General William G. Boykin
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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 05-03-2007, 07:07 PM

Congratulations Sista. I'm so glad you found yourself a wonderful man. I might be getting married soon to. I found a wonderful nurse here at Camp Victory and I intend to propose to her tonight. If all goes well, I'll be married within the month!

Last edited by Brother Samuel; 05-03-2007 at 07:11 PM.
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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 05-03-2007, 08:29 PM

Even we White folks have nothing to do with Dora Denkins anymore; she is impaled upon Satan's Very (cold; oh how cold!) Member.

Here, she tries to wash away her many Sins - going about it in the wrong way, as usual:

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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 05-07-2007, 04:10 PM

That Dora Denkins is such a waste of flesh! It's an abomination that she claims to be "financially raped". It's not our fault that God did not deem it necessary to supply her financial needs. If she has a problem with her finances, she should take it up with Jesus. Lord knows that if she led a glorious example of a life in the likeness of Mrs. Betty Bowers, she would not struggle financially.

The nurse said yes to my proposal, but in light of my recent court marshall, we have decided to call off the wedding. I hope to find another as spiritually committed as her.

Last edited by Brother Samuel; 05-07-2007 at 04:13 PM.
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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 05-20-2007, 02:34 PM

Racist scum
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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 05-20-2007, 02:51 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bwack Lizard View Post
Racist scum
Were do you get that?



Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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Default Re: Gettin' hitcheded - 05-20-2007, 04:15 PM

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Originally Posted by Bwack Lizard View Post
Racist scum
This coming from a guy who's in the habit of posting an insulting term for nigras in giant letters and little else?


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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