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Default Pray for my unholy, sinful, godless hell bound soul. - 09-08-2013, 07:27 PM

Brethren and Sisters:

I have not posted here for several days. I had my friend lock me in a prayer closet with only water and a KJV1611 during this entire time. By the second hour, I was screaming at him to unlock the door, but he had gone on vacation to the Godly state of Virginia and forgot I was still there.

One might think this would produce horror in the common man, but GOD opened my eyes to a few simple facts:

1. My pride was keeping me from seeing myself as I truly was: I thought I was a true Christian, but my behavior was incongruous with the Christian lifestyle. Not only had I kept one rosary as a backup in case I decided to revert to Catholicism, I also held on to a Miraculous Medal, a statue of Buddha that my parish priest bought me when he went to Tibet, and a native American dreamcatcher. I had not truly surrendered, and it was holding me back.
2. I am a recovering homer. My untoward advances directed at a True Christian and pastor of this, God's favorite congregation, were worthy of a sentence to hell. Christian love was all around me and instead of accepting the correction I was being given, I chose to be all faggy and queer and girlie about it instead of using the testicular juice that should have been making me manly and strong. I sold the surveillance drone that I had been using to spy on Pastor Zeke. Now it is in the hands of Landover's Committee to Keep Fags and Mooselimbs away from the Gates. I shall no more ask a newbie if he manscapes, for I have tossed aside, with Jesus' help, my unnatural desires. I almost had the book of Leviticus tattooed to my chest, but then I remembered the Lord's command not to do that, either.
3. I have moved from 200 miles outside Freehold and I'm now 539 miles from Landover in a one-bedroom house next door to the First Baptist Church. I shall spend hours there in prayer under the teachings of Reverend Millsap. Since he is a handsome man, we have agreed to only have contact using the technologies of Skype. I will not be able to view him, only a likeness of our Lord on a white horse mouthing the words, I'ma gon' get you, filthy queer.
4. The Bible is my guidebook. I must do everything - let me repeat that - EVERYTHING it says without question or pause.
5. If a True Christian says it, it is right. No exceptions.
6. I got rid of all my Calvin Klein underwear. (What is acceptable for replacement, by the way, since I assume it is unChristian to go commando ?)
7. I removed myself from the mailings I got from St Stanislaus and Our Lady of the Mountain parishes. In my request, I said:

"Dear Hell-bound Faggots and Lesbians:

Don't send me your $(#)& anymore. I don't wish to burn in hell. God won't have to worry about kindling because there are so many parishes to choose from. Your rosaries and holy water will be of no use when satan rapes you in front of the pope. The True Christians will have this on DVR to watch again and again during Comedy Hour each Thursday in heaven.

Brother Larry"

But although I am RENEWED through Jesus blood, I am not DEFEATED. Through tithing and being completely devoted to Jesus because He is always right and I am always wrong, and by associating with a PURE Christian woman, I will overcome my past masturbating, homersekshul cathylick arrogance. I will one day be such a model of Christianity that the pastors of this fine Church will deed that condo I crave so much; only this time, I want a view of God's Hottest Women as seen in the Landover Edition of Christian Playboy, not hairy ugly dudes. (Even the thought of those last three words made me vomit a little in my mouth)

Ladies and Gentlemen of Freehold and Landover members everywhere: Brother Larry is back; but he is a NEW CREATURE.

By the way, when I was finally able to claw my way out of the prayer closet, I saw my friend sitting on his couch, reading the Bible. He said Jesus told him not to let me out because a few splinters under my fingernails were nowhere near the pain He felt because of my wretched sins. I didn't even punch him; I just showered and went home to pray.

In His Love and Forgiveness,
Brother Larry

PS: I would be grateful if you would once again accept me into your fold as a new man. While I deserve flogging and disdain, I beg instead for love and good reputation points.

1 John 1:9 If we confesse our sinnes, hee is faithfull, & iust to forgiue vs our sinnes, and to cleanse vs from all vnrighteousnesse.

Last edited by Dr Laurence Niles; 09-12-2013 at 04:07 PM. Reason: UnGodly spelling corrected.
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Default Re: Pray for my unholy, sinful, godless hell bound soul. - 09-08-2013, 09:13 PM

24 people have viewed my humble confession and yet none choose to comfort me?

I accept this and completely understand that it is because of the foul nature of my (formerly) sinful heart. Since I clawed my way through my friend's prayer closet, I have established one of my own by throwing out all vestiges of my former life, including my pinup of his holyless pope john 23 that I won at the parish ice cream social in 2003.

Will none have mercy? Will none choose to reach out and pull me from everlasting damnation? Have I not done some good for other members of this forum?

For now, I will stop whining and face my fate like a man.

Brother Larry
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Default Re: Pray for my unholy, sinful, godless hell bound soul. - 09-08-2013, 09:26 PM

Surely those people were heathens who felt naught but discomfort and nausea at the mere thought of a repentant man crying out to Christ to Save him from an eternity of justified torment and horror.

I hope this time you really ARE Born Again, dear, and this isn't another mistaken impression fraught with emotional appeals and desires of the flesh.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Pray for my unholy, sinful, godless hell bound soul. - 09-09-2013, 07:11 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Larry View Post
24 people have viewed my humble confession and yet none choose to comfort me?

I accept this and completely understand that it is because of the foul nature of my (formerly) sinful heart. Since I clawed my way through my friend's prayer closet, I have established one of my own by throwing out all vestiges of my former life, including my pinup of his holyless pope john 23 that I won at the parish ice cream social in 2003.

Will none have mercy? Will none choose to reach out and pull me from everlasting damnation? Have I not done some good for other members of this forum?

For now, I will stop whining and face my fate like a man.

Brother Larry
Well Barry, welcome back. I hope your time in the closet was well spent in prayer. Hopefully this time you have truly come to accept Jesus inside you. I would hate to think what will happen if you are lying.

God has a special place for liars:

Revelation 21:8

But the fearefull, and vnbeleeuing, and the abominable, and murderers, and whore mongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all lyars, shall haue their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death

I will pray that you are being truthfull.


Isaiah 66:15

For behold, the Lord wil come with fire, and with his charets like a whirlewinde, to render his anger with furie, and his rebuke with flames of fire.
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Default Re: Pray for my unholy, sinful, godless hell bound soul. - 09-09-2013, 07:42 AM

It's because you are trying to hard, you're completely tensed, you'll make the Spirit shrink up. Relax yourself and be inviting, the Holy Spirit will come inside you, I know it.

God Bless

DAM


Psalm 137:8-9 O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us.
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.



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Default Re: Pray for my unholy, sinful, godless hell bound soul. - 09-09-2013, 08:00 AM

Time will tell if you are here to honestly and without malice praise Jesus or simple engage is silly word play.

Brother and cistern....



That said, a cautious welcome back to God's favourite forum.

YIC


1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Default Re: Pray for my unholy, sinful, godless hell bound soul. - 09-10-2013, 08:49 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Larry View Post
24 people have viewed my humble confession and yet none choose to comfort me?
There are heterosexual people who need comforting, so you'll have to wait.


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Default Re: Pray for my unholy, sinful, godless hell bound soul. - 09-12-2013, 02:34 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Larry View Post
24 people have viewed my humble confession and yet none choose to comfort me?

I accept this and completely understand that it is because of the foul nature of my (formerly) sinful heart. Since I clawed my way through my friend's prayer closet, I have established one of my own by throwing out all vestiges of my former life, including my pinup of his holyless pope john 23 that I won at the parish ice cream social in 2003.

Will none have mercy? Will none choose to reach out and pull me from everlasting damnation? Have I not done some good for other members of this forum?

For now, I will stop whining and face my fate like a man.

Brother Larry
There is nothing wrong with some prolonged solitude to iron out any impulsive lingering sinful tendencies. But rest assured, you have our prayers.

Yours in Him,

Pastor Ed



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Default Re: Pray for my unholy, sinful, godless hell bound soul. - 09-12-2013, 12:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Larry View Post
24 people have viewed my humble confession and yet none choose to comfort me?
Why so needy? You don't need comforting, you need more penance.

A few measley hours in a prayer closet is not going to wipe the stain of sin from your soul. Jesus gave his life for you and you're whining like a little girl because of a few splinters and no one comforted you. Get over yourself and get back into that prayer closet.


Matthew 10:34
Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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Default Re: Pray for my unholy, sinful, godless hell bound soul. - 09-12-2013, 01:16 PM

Harsh but fair, Brother Liam.

Brother Larry, remember that you asked us to pray for you, not to comfort you.

YiC
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All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:


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Default Re: Pray for my unholy, sinful, godless hell bound soul. - 09-13-2013, 10:12 AM

Brother Larry, I dedicated my night prayers for you. Your absence makes me wonder if the Lord has decided to punish you further. I will continue to pray for you, but you will receive no comforting words from me.

YiC

Liam


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Default Re: Pray for my unholy, sinful, godless hell bound soul. - 09-13-2013, 11:52 AM

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Originally Posted by Attila's Wife View Post
Harsh but fair, Brother Liam.

Brother Larry, remember that you asked us to pray for you, not to comfort you.

YiC
AW
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Default Re: Pray for my unholy, sinful, godless hell bound soul. - 09-13-2013, 07:04 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeFromBrains View Post
I thought Christianity was about love and caring: thank you for showing the world it is not.

And where did you get that idea?

Jesus was not all about love and caring, why should we?

Matthew 8:20-22
21 And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.
22 But Jesus said unto him, Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.


Matthew 15:22-28
22 And, behold, a woman of Canaan came out of the same coasts, and cried unto him, saying, Have mercy on me, O Lord, thou son of David; my daughter is grievously vexed with a devil.
23 But he answered her not a word. And his disciples came and besought him, saying, Send her away; for she crieth after us.
24 But he answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel.
25 Then came she and worshipped him, saying, Lord, help me.
26 But he answered and said, It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to dogs.
27 And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters' table.
28 Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.


Luke 14:26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.
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