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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-25-2006, 07:56 PM

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Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
Yes Sister, HIM© and maybe our favourite Angel by his side.
Just in case you've forgotten................
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GOD Bless you Sister Tali!




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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-25-2006, 08:29 PM

Here is my favorite picture of HIM.

GLORY!!
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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-25-2006, 08:59 PM

My! And just look at those big sasquatches on Him, Sister Thumper! Must be a Size 13 at least!!!

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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-25-2006, 09:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
Here is my favorite picture of HIM.

GLORY!!
That reminds me of the painting up in the Church of the risen and very buff Jesus knocking Roman legionnaires over like nine pins with the cross.



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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-25-2006, 10:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson View Post
Find the area between the nipples and perform compressions
This is an outrage - I'm not having some CPR pervert 'compress' my belly button!


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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-26-2006, 06:59 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Aaaw Pastor Al...feeling left out?
Don't worry - Rachael & I could volunteer to give you CPR.

On pain of death - or if someone paid us some really serious dosh - or if it was the only way to save the world.


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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-26-2006, 11:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Rogers View Post
This is an outrage - I'm not having some CPR pervert 'compress' my belly button!
There are women who are shy about the facts of aging.
And then there is Mrs Rogers.

Quote:
Aaaw Pastor Al...feeling left out?
Don't worry - Rachael & I could volunteer to give you CPR.

On pain of death - or if someone paid us some really serious dosh - or if it was the only way to save the world.
We're talking in the millions of dollars, right?
And when you say 'we'll volunteer to give him CPR', what you really mean to say is 'we'll have a robot do it', right?



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-26-2006, 12:09 PM

Goodness, how disgusting!! These heathens get more and more sick every day! Thank you for alerting us to these hideous acts of depravity Mother Glynndie!!

I shall be staying FAR away from anyone claiming that CPR 'saves lives'...

~Rain
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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-26-2006, 03:21 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain View Post
I shall be staying FAR away from anyone claiming that CPR 'saves lives'...~Rain
Praise you, Sister Rain! After all, what's the benefit of having a few more minutes to Strut and Fret on the Stage of this life here on Earth - and consigning ones' Soul to HELL in the process, having "benefitted" from this SINful procedure - compared to the Eternal Bliss of flitting around Heaven forever wearing Angel Wings?


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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-26-2006, 03:26 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
There are women who are shy about the facts of aging.
And then there is Mrs Rogers.


We're talking in the millions of dollars, right?
And when you say 'we'll volunteer to give him CPR', what you really mean to say is 'we'll have a robot do it', right?
No amount of molesting from you harlots is going to stop Jesus from bringing Pastor Al home when the time comes. Leave it to wickers to come up with new ways to bother a corpse.



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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-27-2006, 05:15 AM

So you'd rather him to die than for someone to save his life by administering CPR?



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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-27-2006, 09:14 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
There are women who are shy about the facts of aging.
And then there is Mrs Rogers.


We're talking in the millions of dollars, right?
And when you say 'we'll volunteer to give him CPR', what you really mean to say is 'we'll have a robot do it', right?
So obvious I didn't even mention it!

Um BJ....you really shouldn't use the words "corpse" & "Pastor Al" in the same sentence...the image is so tempting...I wonder how difficult it is to learn taxidermy?


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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-27-2006, 09:45 AM

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Originally Posted by lilith View Post
I wonder how difficult it is to learn taxidermy?
Why? Were you thinking of getting stuffed?


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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-27-2006, 12:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
Why? Were you thinking of getting stuffed?
Thinking of it? Pastor, she's been stuffed more times than a Christmas Goose.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-27-2006, 11:34 PM

This stuff is so screwed up, CPR saves lives!


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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-28-2006, 12:47 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ixi View Post
This stuff is so screwed up, CPR saves lives!
But only JESUS can save your AETERNAL soul!


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-28-2006, 12:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ixi View Post
This stuff is so screwed up, CPR saves lives!
What benefit is it to have your life saved by having your body defiled? Saving your life so that you can continue to hug trees and commune with satan? Jesus can save your SOUL. Better to lose your worthless life.

Matthew 16:24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. 16:25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. 16:26 For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? 16:27 For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works.
16:28 Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-28-2006, 01:08 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
Why? Were you thinking of getting stuffed?

It was that post mentioning your corpse...anything rather than the awful prospect of having to perform CPR on your inert form.
But apparently it's now possible to freeze dry animals,so if you prefer....


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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-28-2006, 01:34 AM

CPR looks like foreplay to me.

Imagine, some harlot singles some poor guy out at the Neiman Marcus because he's successful and well groomed. She feigns distress and here comes Mr Bighearted Christian who feels obligated to do the right thing. He's been told that CPR was good and he was forced to take a mandatory class on it at work so he's familiar with the "moves".
She swoons and he leaps into action thinking he's doing Jesus right by saving this woman but he's wrong. This honest man would be condemning himself to eternal Hellfire for groping some lascivious woman. I hear women and gays pretend to be stricken all the time just to trick Christian men into feeling them up with this maneuver.

Friends,
Jesus never fondled complete strangers and neither should any of His follwers. The Bible tells us that a mans body is his temple and that means that it is Jesus temple too. You wouldn't rub your hands all over Jesus Christs mansion would you?
Besides, anyone who would need such a thing as CPR is obviously marked for the long march home in the Book Of Life so who dares to interrupt Gods divine plan by denying someone of the death Jesus had in mind for them? Not me friends!
And you shouldn't either!

I see the Devil using this to corrupt True Christian™ believers and tempting them away from Christ Almighty.

Christian Protection Remover


God bless America, the Second Amendment and the Constitution. God bless the United States Marine Corps and all who fight for Jesus in third world cess pools. God bless the GOP and all they stand for, Truth, Honesty and the American people. God bless Landover Baptist Church and all True Christians™ the world over. Curses to our Muslim President, his failure is our Salvation.
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Default Re: Alert: CPR is SEX! - 10-28-2006, 02:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marshall View Post
CPR looks like foreplay to me.
Friends,
Jesus never fondled complete strangers and neither should any of His follwers. The Bible tells us that a mans body is his temple and that means that it is Jesus temple too. You wouldn't rub your hands all over Jesus Christs mansion would you?
Besides, anyone who would need such a thing as CPR is obviously marked for the long march home in the Book Of Life so who dares to interrupt Gods divine plan by denying someone of the death Jesus had in mind for them? Not me friends!
And you shouldn't either!

I see the Devil using this to corrupt True Christian™ believers and tempting them away from Christ Almighty.

Christian Protection Remover
Thank you, Bother Marshall. You do have a way with words, and your very words made me realize why so many Hell-bound types are angered by our anti-CPR stance . . .

CPR becomes legalized pedophilia when an adult performs it on an innocent child!

CPR becomes legalized homosexuality when an unconscious person is forced to engage in same sex fondling and kissing!

CPR becomes Necrophilia when a clinically dead person becomes a sex toy for a Goth, Wicca, or (any other) Devil worshipper posing as a rescuer.

And finally, atheists would naturally delight in snatching one of Jesus' chosen from His very arms and plucking that helpless person from the gates of Heaven!

And of couse, most folks who aren't True Christians enjoy at least one of the activities listed above!


Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
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