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Default Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 03:42 AM

On the rare occasions when guests are allowed to attend services what should we make sure their tallywackers and stones are in good working order?


Have we been by accident allowing men with damaged family jewels? How are we dealing with this?


Scripture is clear on this. I don't mean to second guess our pastors and deacons but this concerns me.

Have we been checking the lineage of men who attend LBS or even set foot on the LBC campus, restaurants, amusement park, movie theaters and gift shops? Does the following scripture apply only to the church proper or does it apply to all church property?


He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.Dt.23:1
A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD. Dt 23:1



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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 03:48 AM

A GODLY question, Brother. I have often wondered about the contents of some of the guest's pants, myself.


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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 03:52 AM

This sounds like a very important concern, Brother, but perhaps it would be more suitably located in the Men's forum?

Also, I, ummm, am not entirely sure how True Heterosexual™ men would go about making sure guests' tallywhackers are in working order. Maybe it could be a job for some other trustworthy group of people?


"Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him." Matthew 21:31-32

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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 04:01 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant View Post
Also, I, ummm, am not entirely sure how True Heterosexual™ men would go about making sure guests' tallywhackers are in working order. Maybe it could be a job for some other trustworthy group of people?
I won't go into details, given the company I'm in... suffice to say that a simple visual inspection should not cause any problems for True Heterosexual™ men. However, to guard against the presence of False Heterosexual™ men, the inspectors should be inspected themselves for signs of homersexual deviancy. A third party would be required, I think.

Perhaps a three-way inspection, with all participants facing each other in a circle, each offering their God-given True Heterosexual™ male flesh up for mutual and simultaneous examination.



Revelations 6:16
"And said to the mountains and rocks,
Fall on us, and hide us from the face
of him that sitteth on the throne,
and from the wrath of the Lamb"
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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 04:14 AM

What if the the Pastors check and inspect? We all know that they exhibit no signs of homosexuality.


Matthew 6:26
26Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 04:22 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by barton View Post
I won't go into details, given the company I'm in... suffice to say that a simple visual inspection should not cause any problems for True Heterosexual™ men. However, to guard against the presence of False Heterosexual™ men, the inspectors should be inspected themselves for signs of homersexual deviancy. A third party would be required, I think.

Perhaps a three-way inspection, with all participants facing each other in a circle, each offering their God-given True Heterosexual™ male flesh up for mutual and simultaneous examination.
Indeed an interesting thought Brother Barton.....perhaps an elected Penis Policing Force could be something you would be worth having a hand in?


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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 04:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant View Post
This sounds like a very important concern, Brother, but perhaps it would be more suitably located in the Men's forum?

Also, I, ummm, am not entirely sure how True Heterosexual™ men would go about making sure guests' tallywhackers are in working order. Maybe it could be a job for some other trustworthy group of people?
As an ex harlot who has had man after man after man you are a bit of an expert on the workings of the male member. I think you should dress as a nurse and be there in case we mistake a manly looking woman for a real man. Also if one of the men are homers someone is going to have to wack their tallywackers if they get excited. Who better than a former harlot?

I was thinking about putting this in the mens forum but it does concern all church members and not just the members of our guests.



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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 04:34 AM

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Originally Posted by TC Patriot View Post
As an ex harlot who has had man after man after man you are a bit of an expert on the workings of the male member. I think you should dress as a nurse and be there in case we mistake a manly looking woman for a real man. Also if one of the men are homers someone is going to have to wack their tallywackers if they get excited. Who better than a former harlot?

I was thinking about putting this in the mens forum but it does concern all church members and not just the members of our guests.
An excellent idea Brother - I would be most honoured to have Lycia inspect the worthiness of my manhood for the Lord should I be lucky enough to make it to Freehold to join in sermons there one day.


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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 04:34 AM

Ya know, we could maybe hire a diesel dyke.


Susan Powter's career has hit the skids. No man would sport wood if she was around unless he were a homer.



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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 04:37 AM

This is an excellent point, brother. Indeed we cannot let anyone who is castrated into our church. However, without divulging too much information, our DoF is way ahead on the curve with this. Rest assured that through various means, we have been able to secure pertinent information about every parishioner at Landover Baptist, including whether or not their testicles are intact.



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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 04:41 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by TC Patriot View Post
As an ex harlot who has had man after man after man you are a bit of an expert on the workings of the male member. I think you should dress as a nurse and be there in case we mistake a manly looking woman for a real man. Also if one of the men are homers someone is going to have to wack their tallywackers if they get excited. Who better than a former harlot?
It would be hard for me, but whatever I can do to help serve the cause of the Lord...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne View Post
This is an excellent point, brother. Indeed we cannot let anyone who is castrated into our church. However, without divulging too much information, our DoF is way ahead on the curve with this. Rest assured that through various means, we have been able to secure pertinent information about every parishioner at Landover Baptist, including whether or not their testicles are intact.
... although perhaps I won't be needed in this endeavor, after all.


"Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him." Matthew 21:31-32

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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 04:46 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne View Post
This is an excellent point, brother. Indeed we cannot let anyone who is castrated into our church. However, without divulging too much information, our DoF is way ahead on the curve with this. Rest assured that through various means, we have been able to secure pertinent information about every parishioner at Landover Baptist, including whether or not their testicles are intact.
I am breathing much easier now Pastor. Dumb me! I should have known that our DoF pastors had a grip on the penile and testiclular situations.

I trust that we know the lineage of most Americans. We can't have a bastard or the progeny of some bastard sullying the house of our Lord Jesus.

Thank you for your reassurance pastor. I will sleep better tonight.



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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 10:27 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by TC Patriot View Post
On the rare occasions when guests are allowed to attend services what should we make sure their tallywackers and stones are in good working order?


Have we been by accident allowing men with damaged family jewels? How are we dealing with this?


Scripture is clear on this. I don't mean to second guess our pastors and deacons but this concerns me.

Have we been checking the lineage of men who attend LBS or even set foot on the LBC campus, restaurants, amusement park, movie theaters and gift shops? Does the following scripture apply only to the church proper or does it apply to all church property?


He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.Dt.23:1
A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD. Dt 23:1
I think we might be able to use prostitutes to make sure their tallywackers and stones are in good working order.
Joshua 2:1-4 -- And Joshua the son of Nun sent out of Shittim two men to spy secretly, saying, Go view the land, even Jericho. And they went, and came into an harlot's house, named Rahab, and lodged there. And it was told the king of Jericho, saying, Behold, there came men in hither to night of the children of Israel to search out the country. And the king of Jericho sent unto Rahab, saying, Bring forth the men that are come to thee, which are entered into thine house: for they be come to search out all the country. And the woman took the two men, and hid them, and said thus, There came men unto me, but I wist not whence they were:
James 2:25 -- Likewise also was not Rahab the harlot justified by works, when she had received the messengers, and had sent them out another way?
Perhaps we could persuade Sister Lycia to supervise the prostitutes to make sure they aren't up to some funny stuff or enjoying themselves too much?


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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 10:35 AM

I am suprised that none of you Menfolk know of my Clinic.
For many years, in my position of Deaconess in Freehold I have done such inspections of church members members.
We must make sure that ALL men are Circumcized before they are allowed to be a member of our Church.
I have matters in hand.

If you require my services, my details are in the Church Newsletter or you can send me a Personal message here.



Sister Talitha

Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 10:53 AM

Without having to go too far below the waistline, there are some other ways of checking for pristine stones. In this educational video, a man has had his stones removed by accident. Note the voice - a dead giveaway.







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Default Re: Penis and Testicle Inspections and Bastards - 01-16-2011, 09:27 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant View Post
It would be hard for me, but whatever I can do to help serve the cause of the Lord...


... although perhaps I won't be needed in this endeavor, after all.
I am sure that if you inspected my member for instance it would indeed be hard for you.



Jesus loves Dick



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