[Joseph T. Beckett]

Greetings fellow True Christians in Christ! Praise Him that has lead me on the path to you.

My name is Joseph T. Beckett. My second wife, Abigail Moore Beckett, mentioned that your women’s forum had some of the best recipes for pie after she burned another lemon meringue pie last night. Before granting her permission to come online (Ephesians 5:22-24), I thought it best to investigate lest she be fooled by a site of liberal lesbians thinking they can cook and that everyone wants to eat their pie. Glory be to God! It is a site of True Christians ™ following the word of our God as it was meant!

I found our Lord and Savior after I caught my first wife in an act of adultery with two of my neighbors. That unsaved trash no better than a pig on a spit. After much soul searching, Leviticus 20:10 set me on the path to righteousness. After the death of my wife and neighbors, I started attending Covenant Baptist Church. It was there I met my new wife. She’s a little older than I would have liked at 22 years of age. She is practically ancient, but with regular beatings she has been a relatively obedient wife. I have taken the year off to get to know and comfort this new wife (Deuteronomy 24:5); however, despite all my attention she has so far failed to produce a future Christian soldier.

My favorite Bible verse is 1 Timothy 2:12, which states “But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.” I look forward to fellowship with True Christian ™ Men who truly follow God’s Word.

[Elmer G. White]

Originally Posted by Joseph T. Beckett

Greetings fellow True Christians in Christ! Praise Him that has lead me on the path to you.

My name is Joseph T. Beckett. My second wife, Abigail Moore Beckett, mentioned that your women’s forum had some of the best recipes for pie after she burned another lemon meringue pie last night. Before granting her permission to come online (Ephesians 5:22-24), I thought it best to investigate lest she be fooled by a site of liberal lesbians thinking they can cook and that everyone wants to eat their pie. Glory be to God! It is a site of True Christians ™ following the word of our God as it was meant!

I found our Lord and Savior after I caught my first wife in an act of adultery with two of my neighbors. That unsaved trash no better than a pig on a spit. After much soul searching, Leviticus 20:10 set me on the path to righteousness. After the death of my wife and neighbors, I started attending Covenant Baptist Church. It was there I met my new wife. She’s a little older than I would have liked at 22 years of age. She is practically ancient, but with regular beatings she has been a relatively obedient wife. I have taken the year off to get to know and comfort this new wife (Deuteronomy 24:5); however, despite all my attention she has so far failed to produce a future Christian soldier.

My favorite Bible verse is 1 Timothy 2:12, which states “But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.” I look forward to fellowship with True Christian ™ Men who truly follow God’s Word.

Mr. Beckett,

Welcome to the one and only Interwebs Location where Jesus and His magnum opus aka the KJV Bible are revered in their magnificent totality.

As an older man that used to be quite proficient at begetting (Praise Jesus, we've reached menopause!), let me offer one piece of advice regarding the barren nature of your woman. As repulsive as it may seem to you, you are supposed to fornicate with her at least once a month to produce the desirable outcome, a new soldier for Jesus. I.e., you'll have to cleave to her and become one flesh for a period of ½-2 minutes. It's tedious but Jesus wants us to do so.

Matthew 19:5
And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

Wonderful verses you have there! How do you spread the Good Message among the sinner swarm?


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Joseph T. Beckett]

Thank you for your warm welcome, Mr. White, and for your advice. As repulsive as the act is to me, I have long suffered through fornication with my wife. Every night she is not banished outside to the woodshed during her issue of blood during the days she is unclean (Leviticus 15:19) I have fulfilled my duty to produce True Christian™ soldiers. I think there is some fault in her other than her repeated burning of my favorite pie.

I am glad someone else appreciates the Good Message of Psalms 96:3 and Matthew 28:19 as much as I do. I am currently working with the good President-elect Donald Trump's administration to help the negro population come to the realization that they are cursed (Genesis 9:25). Unfortunately, most of them are too busy stealing fried chicken, eating seedless watermelon, and delivering damned bastards (Deuteronomy 23:2) to hear the Word of our Lord.

[Alvin Moss]

Welcome, Mr. Beckett. You have arrived at the friendliest place on the interwebs. This site is maintained for fellowship and praise and is open to all Christians who seek congress with other Christians. What is the name of your congregation? Who is your Pastor? How did you find Jesus and when? What revolver do you favor? Are you badly menaced by heathens in your vicinity? What part of the country do you call home? We are anxious to receive your testimony, that we may know you.

God Bless!

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Welcome, Mr Beckett. How many children do you have by your first (late) wife?

[Faith_Machine]

Hi there Mr. Bucket, did you say you took a year off from work just to spend time with your new bride?
May I ask why?

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by Joseph T. Beckett

. . . It was there I met my new wife. She’s a little older than I would have liked at 22 years of age. She is practically ancient, but with regular beatings she has been a relatively obedient wife. I have taken the year off to get to know and comfort this new wife (Deuteronomy 24:5); however, despite all my attention she has so far failed to produce a future Christian soldier.

It may be necessary to take her to a Christian, female, doctor to determine if there is a physical reason why she cannot conceive. If it is determined that she cannot, then following in the footsteps of Abraham and Jacob, you may wish to seek out a substitute gestation vessel. Does she have a less attractive sister or a female domestic employee?


Finding such a professional as noted above may be difficult, since attending medical school can be a strain on the feminine psyche. Assuming that there is a woman out there who was sent to medical school by her Christian father and now practices medicine under the guidance of her Christian husband, if you pray in earnest, the Lord may lead you to this person's listing in the Yellow Pages.


Don't use the Internet to search for such a professional. Never trust the Internet. It is full of trolls, atheists, and demons summoned by binary coding written into the logarithms of nearly every website. . . Except ours, which is protected by JeSOS and administered by True Christians™.


God's blessing to you on your journey here at Landover Baptist. Jesus will be returning soon to gather His Elect, but in the meantime this is a worthy place to fellowship.


Remember what I said, Mr. Beckett-- don't trust the Internet. Trust the Bible, God, Jesus, prayer and Pastor Zeke (not necessarily in that order) but NEVER trust the Internet.


And for those trolling children out there who may be squinting at the multi-syllable words trying to read this:


Trust ,,, ,.




Legitimately Yours,
Handmaiden

[BrotherLarry]

Mr. Brickette:


As everyone knows, I am a certified equine gnathologist. While I am humble about it and rarely mention this, I have also completed a veterinary quiz. In my studies, we learned about the ways in which animals conceive and it seems very similar to the ways in which humans create soldiers for JESUS.


Finding a woman to examine your beloved barren wife will be difficult since the weaker s-e-x is just not capable of retaining information necessary to make proper diagnoses. For instance, one of my female colleagues thought a Palomino had an abscess when it was actually cancerous. Had I not taken decisive action, this poor, beautiful horse would have been dead within weeks. The horse is still going to die, but I give it at least two months.


Therefore, may I offer my services to make an examination? You are welcome to be present but I warn you - if you've never seen that part of a female human, it is a dreadful thing I'm told. There are clinical magazines at many adult bookstores to give you a glimpse of the "area", but I have only seen illustrations from my textbooks. Most of those illustrations were of hyenas and ocelots, but I assume the anatomy and appearance is the same.

I promise you a professional examination with the utmost of respect and dignity. Know that is is also possible that YOU are the problem, so we'll need to do a little work with you, too - just to rule that out. This will be a brotherly sample-drawing. You can't do it yourself lest you commit the sin of Onanism. We will not lay with one another so as not to be an abomination - but luckily, we can obtain this sample while standing.


I await your response so we can ease your mind(s) and decide if you need to divorce her and find a fruitful woman, or - of course - determine if you are without viable spermatazoationalistic value.


COME, LORD JESUS! (NO pun intended)
BrotherLarry

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by BrotherLarry

I promise you a professional examination with the utmost of respect and dignity. Know that is is also possible that YOU are the problem. . .

Come again, BrotherLarry? How can such a thing be?




Bewilderedly Your,
Handmaiden

[Michael Hezekiah Esq]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

Come again, BrotherLarry? How can such a thing be?




Bewilderedly Your,
Handmaiden

Meh! You are aware that men have a penis that emits sperm into the female's vagina, where they swim to meet with the woman's ovum? And you are aware that sometimes there is a low sperm count or they have low motility? Then again, since you believe the crap you read here, I would suppose you DON'T know that.


May I suggest a visit to your gynecologist to discuss this? Of course you probably don't have one of those either. OY.

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by Michael Hezekiah Esq

Meh! You are aware that men have a penis that emits sperm into the female's vagina, where they swim to meet with the woman's ovum? And you are aware that sometimes there is a low sperm count or they have low motility? Then again, since you believe the crap you read here, I would suppose you DON'T know that.

A-HEM! In the Bible, (which you claim to have read)Abraham didn't have child with Sarah until after the Lord had fixed things with her. He did have a child with that maidservant, Haggis, or whatever her name was. Likewise, Jacob had children with Leah and his two housemaids (or tentmaids, whatever) but Rachel was barren until the Lord decided otherwise.


Genesis 30:2


And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?


The Lord is the one who makes these provisions. Your dirty talk of body parts that the Bible never mentions so very directly is unwelcome here.

May I suggest a visit to your gynecologist to discuss this? Of course you probably don't have one of those either. OY.

Of course, not! I am an unmarried, Christian lady. What reason do I have to submit to such an embarrassing inspection? If I ever experience any discomfort in my southern locality, I will pray first, and if absolutely necessary, seek out an archaeologist.


Impregnably Yours,
Handmaiden

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

I did notice, though, that Mr Bouquet did not reply to my earlier question above:

Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey

How many children do you have by your first (late) wife?

Is this suspicious, do you think, Sister Handy?

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey

I did notice, though, that Mr Bouquet did not reply to my earlier question above: Is this suspicious, do you think, Sister Handy?

Point taken, Sister Joanna. Perhaps the man is not as godly as he claims.


After all, if a fellow finds favor in the Lord, the age of the man-- or the woman, for that matter,-- are no bar to God's blessing. I am thinking of Genesis, chapter 18.




14 Is any thing too hard for the Lord? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.


One has to wonder why he can't answer your simple question. The Lord alone can know the heart of man. I will be praying for him.


Askancely Yours,


Handmaiden

[Joseph T. Beckett]

Fellow True Christians™, I pray you forgive my late replies. I have been busy since I last wrote doing the work of our Lord and leading my household. Remember, brothers and sisters Proverbs 19:15 and Ephesians 5:15-16.

You have arrived at the friendliest place on the interwebs.

Thank you. I feel much welcomed already!

What is the name of your congregation? Who is your Pastor? How did you find Jesus and when? What revolver do you favor? Are you badly menaced by heathens in your vicinity? What part of the country do you call home?

Mr. Moss, I hail from the Southern United States where we proudly support God, family, guns, and Donald Trump. Unfortunately, we are badly menaced by heathens in this vicinity. Particularly, those who bear the curse of Ham and beget bastards in their wickedness. We even have those foul papists who worship icons of stone as our Holy Word explicitly tells us not to do (Leviticus 26:1) and who follow a false prophet (Matthew 7:15, Deuteronomy 18:20). I have often spoken with my pastor, Pastor Jeremiah Davis, about how to defend our simple wives and children from the increasingly problematic heathen population. I also keep my Smith & Wesson 627 at the ready. As I previously mentioned, my congregation is Covenant Baptist Church. We have not yet made it online. The internet is full of heathens who spew false narratives and attempt to seduce our women and children into destruction. I feel as if my country is described in Isaiah1:7 and seek the counsel of True Christians™ and pray for the righteous anger of our Lord to make itself known to these heathens.

Hi there Mr. Bucket, did you say you took a year off from work just to spend time with your new bride?
May I ask why?

God’s Perfect Word is indeed perfect. It is instructed to us in Deuteronomy 24:5 that if a man takes a new wife he is not to go out to war or be charged with any business. As the nature of my profession as a True Christian man of God was public business, I followed the marriage laws given unto me in this perfect work and took a year off to be with my new wife. After all, I need to be certain that this new wife is following her Christian duty as a wife to be a good help meet (Genesis 2:18). It is my responsibility as her husband and the head of our household to show her and teach her the direction in which she needs to go just as our Lord directs me upon my path (1 Corinthians 11:3).

Therefore, may I offer my services to make an examination?

BrotherLarry, thank you for your kind offer. At this time, we are praying. For there is healing in prayer for those who are righteous (James 5:13-16). If you wish to help me with my barren wife, pray. I confess my fault in marrying a barren wife before you, Brother. If I would but allow my wife online, she would confess the fault she has often confessed to me. She is a bad cook who should have heeded her mother’s instruction more closely. Perhaps, I should lay the blame on her parents completely for that (Proverbs 22:6).

Welcome, Mr Beckett. How many children do you have by your first (late) wife?

Ms. Joanna Lytton-Vasey, I had five children with my first (late) wife. I have four Christian soldiers and one daughter who is almost of marrying age. I wish that I had more. We are, after all, instructed to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). I cannot help but notice your hyphenated name. Are you married? Were you, your husband, or your father one of those progressive liberals who wish to wreak havoc on traditional values? As Mr. White has expressed, women are instructed to leave our father and mother and cleave unto their husband (Matthew 19:5). Does this not include leaving the family name and taking your husband’s? Do you have your husband’s or father’s permission to be online?

Is this suspicious, do you think, Sister Handy?

Perhaps the man is not as godly as he claims.

One has to wonder why he can't answer your simple question.

In response to this, I have only to refer you to 1 Timothy 5:13. Return to your work ladies. Do not seek authority over or to instruct a man. After, you may also read 1 Timothy 2:12.

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by Joseph T. Beckett

I [. . .] refer you to 1 Timothy 5:13. Return to your work ladies. Do not seek authority over or to instruct a man. After, you may also read 1 Timothy 2:12.

Mr. Beckett;


I, for one, was not seeking authority or attempting to offer instructions. I was merely trying to be helpful.


As to your queries towards our esteemed Sister Joanna . . .

I cannot help but notice your hyphenated name. Are you married? Were you, your husband, or your father one of those progressive liberals who wish to wreak havoc on traditional values? As Mr. White has expressed, women are instructed to leave our father and mother and cleave unto their husband (Matthew 19:5). Does this not include leaving the family name and taking your husband’s? Do you have your husband’s or father’s permission to be online?

She will respond to your interest regarding her surname in a time and manner of her choosing. However, given her status in our blessed community as a True Christian™ versus yours as Unsaved Trash,it is hardly your prerogative to ask if she has permission to be here.


Someone other than myself may choose to explain to you the accepted hierarchy here at Landover Baptist. . . After all, I wouldn't wish to give the impression that I was attempting to educate you.


In the meantime, allow me to congratulate you on your quiver full of children.


Properly Yours,
Handmaiden

[Joseph T. Beckett]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

She will respond to your interest regarding her surname in a time and manner of her choosing. However, given her status in our blessed community as a True Christian™ versus yours as Unsaved Trash,it is hardly your prerogative to ask if she has permission to be here.


Someone other than myself may choose to explain to you the accepted hierarchy here at Landover Baptist. . . After all, I wouldn't wish to give the impression that I was attempting to educate you.

To imply something is not my prerogative is to place yourself in a position of authority to decide whether or not it is. I am glad that you agree it is not your place to do so. I asked legitimate questions out of concern for my wife whom I still have yet to decide to allow to frequent these boards to improve her pie making skills. I would hate for my simple wife to pick up liberal ideas from a wolf in sheep's clothing. False prophets are common. If Sister Joanna is a True Christian woman then her words will speak for themselves. If her words support Biblical truth (Hebrews 4:12), then I will know the truth.

Save

[Mary Etheldreda]

My dear Mr. Beckett. I'm so glad to see you on our humble forums! You seem like an upstanding Christian man, and that is as refreshing as a cool drink of lemonade on a hot summer day, or a soothing Scriptural verse when chasing a Sodomite away from a public space.

Might I encourage you to trust the True Christian™ pastors here, and know the Department of Faith vets all potential members, starting weeks before registration (the DoF works with the NSA, Google, and amazon to compile internet patterns and predict likely actions). As each member registers with the forum, they specifically permit the DoF or their agents the right to turn on their computer, microphone, video camera or any other device remotely and without their knowledge. They grant permission to read messages, emails, and do forensic analysis on computers and physically search their dwelling, property, place of abode, vehicles(s) or other mode of transportation and those of their friends, relatives acquaintances (and neighbors within a reasonable distance) without further legal requirement. You are safe with True Christians™. Guaranteed.

Kindly do keep in mind that when you registered on this forum, you agreed to the fact you would be joining the chorus of Brothers and Sisters in Christ singing the praises of Jesus, and sharing the Good News that He is going to send every single person on Earth who doesn’t believe in Him straight to Hell.

Hallelujah! Praise the LORD!

[David Rothstein]

Originally Posted by Michael Hezekiah Esq

Meh! You are aware that men have a penis that emits sperm into the female's vagina, where they swim to meet with the woman's ovum? And you are aware that sometimes there is a low sperm count or they have low motility? Then again, since you believe the crap you read here, I would suppose you DON'T know that.


May I suggest a visit to your gynecologist to discuss this? Of course you probably don't have one of those either. OY.

You are quite rude, even as a brother. אתה צריך לדבר יפה

It's not your thread but you seem to hijack at every opportunity? נוטים עסק משלך!


You will not win these Christians to convert with such an abrasive attitude.

Shalom

[Joseph T. Beckett]

Thank you for your kind reassurances Sister Mary Etheldreda. I feel that I can sleep much better knowing that True Christians™ so thoroughly reviews those who profess the faith. We must be careful. Many of those confess to be True Christians, but speak false truths and watered down versions of the Holiest Scripture. That time has unfortunately come increasingly upon us (2 Timothy 4:3-4).

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

As to your queries towards our esteemed Sister Joanna . . .
She will respond to your interest regarding her surname in a time and manner of her choosing.

I shall indeed - see below.

Originally Posted by handmaiden

Someone other than myself may choose to explain to you the accepted hierarchy here at Landover Baptist. . .

Where is Sister Basilissa when you need her? She explains these matters so much more clearly and concisely than we ever can!

Originally Posted by Joseph T. Beckett

Ms. Joanna Lytton-Vasey, I had five children with my first (late) wife. I have four Christian soldiers and one daughter who is almost of marrying age.

That's Mrs Lytton-Vasey. In civilized cultures, the revolting appellation "Ms" is reserved for feminazis, lesbitarians and trannies or some combination thereof.

Originally Posted by Joseph T. Beckett

I cannot help but notice your hyphenated name. Are you married? Were you, your husband, or your father one of those progressive liberals who wish to wreak havoc on traditional values?

I have answered this question twice before on these Godly forums. If you are genuinely interested, I would recommend the use of the search function.

I see that your own wife - the current, apparently barren one, not the one who turned out to be a shameless whore** - is called Abigail Moore Buckett. Would you care to comment on the "Moore" in there?

YiC
JL-V

** By the way, in view of this, are you absolutely sure those children are yours?