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Promise Enforcers - Men Only! We make Promise Keepers look like homers! No homosexuals or women allowed!

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Default Manly Jokes - 12-13-2009, 11:38 AM

Since we are alone here, I thought I'd share a few of my favorite jokes with you guys. Feel free to post your own.

Q: What do 10,000 "abused" women have in common?

A: They just wouldn't listen!




Q: What do you say to a woman with two black-eyes?

A: Nothing - you already told her twice!...



Q: Whats the first thing a beaten wife should do after coming back from hospital after the last "incident"?

A: The dishes if she know's whats good for her.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 12-13-2009, 02:52 PM

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

2 women and a man are standing by a fast river when the grim reaper comes says to them that either they cross the river or he kills them, the first women dives in an d drowns immedietly. the second women jumps in and makes it half way across but drowns. the grim reaper says to the man, now what will you do, and the man says, i'll go across the bridge
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 12-13-2009, 03:25 PM

A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.


Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 12-13-2009, 11:49 PM

50 things women can't do

01. Know anything about a car except its color
02. Understand a film plot
03. Go 24 hours without sending a text message
04. Lift
05. Throw
06. Run
07. Park
08. Fart
09. Read a map
10. Rob a bank
11. Resist Ikea
12. Sit still
13. Tell a joke
14. Play pool
15. Pay for dinner
16. Eat a pizza whilst walking
17. Pee out of a train window
18. Argue without shouting
19. Get told off without crying
20. Understand fruit machines
21. Walk past a shoe shop
22. Make a decent bacon sandwich
23. Not comment on a stranger’s clothes
24. Use small amounts of toilet paper
25. Let you sleep with a hangover
26. Drink a pint gracefully
27. Get a round in
28. Throw a punch
29. Do magic
30. Like your friends
31. Enjoy porn
32. Eat a really hot curry
33. Get to the point
34. Buy plain envelopes
35. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
36. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"
37. Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends
38. Avoid credit card debt
39. Dive into a pool
40. Assemble furniture
41. Roll a booger between finger and thumb
42. Set a DVD recorder
43. Not try and change you
44. Watch a war film
45. Understand why flirting results in violence
46. Spend a day by themselves
47. Go to the toilet by themselves
48. Buy a wallet that fits in their pocket
49. Choose any clothes quickly
50. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 12-14-2009, 01:59 AM

A few days ago, I was out with my wife and I asked her opinion....


Sometimes, I just crack myself up


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 12-14-2009, 02:20 AM

What do you call the worthless piece of skin around the vagina?

A woman.




Why do women have legs?

That way they don't leave a slug trail.


Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.



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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 12-14-2009, 02:25 AM

Now...Heres the difference between a Mans Visit to the ATM, and a womens.


Men:

1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser

2- Insert card

3- Dial code and desired amount

4- Take the cash and the card

5- Return to car, drive away

************************************************

Women:

1-Drive to the bank

2-Check make-up in the mirror

3- Apply perfume

4- Manually check haircut

5- Park car - failure, retry

6- Park car - failure, retry

7- Park car - success

8- Search for the card in the handbag

9- Insert card, rejected by the machine

10- Throw phone card back in handbag

11- look for bank card

12- Insert card

13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag

14- Enter code

15-Study instructions for 2 minutes

16- #Cancel#

17- Re-enter code

18- #Cancel#

19- Call husband to get correct code

20- Enter desired amount

21- #Error#

22- Enter smaller amount

23- #Error#

24- Enter maximum amount

25- Cross fingers

26- Take cash

27- Go back to the car

28- Check make-up in rear mirror

29- Look for keys in handbag

30- Start car

31- Drive 50 yards

32- STOP

33- Drive back to bank machine

34- Get out of the car

35- Take card back from machine

36- Go back to the car

37- Throw card on passenger seat

38- Check make-up in rear mirror

39- Manually check haircut

40- Go into roundabout - wrong way

41- Brake, reverse

42- Go into roundabout - right way

43- Drive 5 miles

44- Remove hand brake
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 10-09-2010, 06:47 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Hutchins View Post
A few days ago, I was out with my wife and I asked her opinion....


Sometimes, I just crack myself up
I laughed at this too--exactly my view, buddy!
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 12-14-2009, 06:05 AM

How do you convert a dishwasher to a snowplow?









Give the bitch a shovel


May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 12-14-2009, 06:07 AM

Why do women have breasts?



So men have something to look at while they're talking.


Matthew 7:15
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 12-14-2009, 06:31 AM

why do women wear white on their wedding day?

so the dishwasher matches the fridge


Upon the wicked he shall rain snares, fire and brimstone, and an horrible tempest: this shall be the portion of their cup. (Psalm 11:6)

GOD HATES FAGS
Romans 1:18-32, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, 1 Timothy 1:8-11, Jude 7, etc
DEATH PENALTY FOR FAGS

WHITE AND PROUD
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 12-15-2009, 12:15 PM

I believe the Bible doesn't specificate which kind of fruit Eve got from the Tree, but given the obsessive lust for chocolate that all women share, it must have been a cocoa bean.


Sweet Lord Jesus,
I want to pray for those who persecute me, my Lord.
Please, treat their children as you treated those of Egypt, when they upset you! (Psalm 135:8-9)
Dash their little children against the stones for their fathers iniquity! (Psalm 137:8-9)
Hit them on the cheek, and smash out their teeth! (Psalm 3:7)
Make their death and descent into Hell swift and terrible! (Psalm 55:15)
Scatter their broken bodies over the streets of their evil cities, like Benghazi, Amsterdam, Tokyo and Mecca! (Psalm 110:6)
Praised be Your Glorious Name™.

Amen.

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landoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: Manly Jokes - 08-02-2010, 08:06 AM

Guy gets a call to go to the hospital - his wife had been in a horrible car accident.

The doctor calls him aside and says, "I'm sorry to have to tell you that your wife will be in a semi-vegetative state for the rest of her life." The guy is shocked and feels faint. The doctor says, "She will need around-the-clock care. Your wife will not be able to control her bowels. Unless she has complete facial reconstruction there will be a great deal of her skull visible. Because of brain damage she will have bouts of uncontrollable violent seizures. She will be unable to speak except for shrieks and grunting. You will have to spoon-feed her baby food. Sex will be out of the question."

By now the guy is ready to pass out with panic and feels the room spin. The doc continues, "And I'm sorry to tell you that your insurance won't cover any long-term care, which will be about $600,000 each year."

This is just too much. The guy starts to collapse to the floor when the doctor starts laughing, and says, "Hey, relax, it's OK, I'm just messing with you.....she's dead...."

******
(ps, Do I get a medal now?)
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 08-02-2010, 06:32 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by landoverlover View Post
******
(ps, Do I get a medal now?)
I believe they're working on a "witless gorm" medal.


Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 08-02-2010, 07:39 PM

I have to stop watching the news it gets me depressed, there is bad news everywhere.
Just last night I heard stories of the world going to hell in a handbag, The American nation cow-towing to the mooselims, have to borrow money from the sand jockeys to keep the world running, no jobs for anybody, people loosing their homes....and it got worse!
It got so bad that I decided to call the suicide hotline.....and it got worse!
The hotline had been out sourced to a phone line in Pakistan...and it got worse!
When I told the guy how depressed I was and how I just didn't know how I was going to get thru it. He called over a bunch of his co workers and had me repeat my story....and it got worse!
When I was finished telling them my story all they wanted to know was if I could drive a truck!


1 Chronicles 16:15
Be ye mindful always of his covenant; the word which he commanded to a thousand generations ... an everlasting covenant.
Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

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landoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapturelandoverlover has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: Manly Jokes - 08-05-2010, 03:18 AM

Q: Why did Jesus cross the road?
A: Somebody nailed him to a chicken.

(OK OK it's not funny but after that last guy I can't miss...)


Leviticus 13:44 He is a leprous man, he is UNCLEAN: the priest shall pronounce him utterly UNCLEAN; his plague is in his head.

2 Kings 6:25 And there was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass's head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver.



King James Bible v1611

Good Enough For JESUS....Good Enough For Me !!

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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 08-06-2010, 02:19 AM

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question, feminists can't change anything.


Genesis 4:12: When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.

Numbers 35:19: The revenger of blood himself shall slay the murderer: when he meeteth him, he shall slay him.
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 08-08-2010, 01:52 PM

A man and his wife walk into a landover baptistry. They are both sucked into an evil world of lies and hatred and are brainwashed into becoming the sexist slaves landover so clearly values
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 08-08-2010, 01:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChristianLad View Post
A man and his wife walk into a landover baptistry. They are both sucked into an evil world of lies and hatred and are brainwashed into becoming the sexist slaves landover so clearly values
If you think that this place is an evil world then why are you trolling here?


Genesis 4:12: When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.

Numbers 35:19: The revenger of blood himself shall slay the murderer: when he meeteth him, he shall slay him.
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Default Re: Manly Jokes - 08-08-2010, 02:03 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Higgins View Post
If you think that this place is an evil world then why are you trolling here?
Are the 2 of you the New Martin and Lewis? If so Christianlad, you need to work on your material!

Quote:
Higgins Re: Manly Jokes
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChristianLad
A man and his wife walk into a landover baptistry. They are both sucked into an evil world of lies and hatred and are brainwashed into becoming the sexist slaves landover so clearly values

If you think that this place is an evil world then why are you trolling here? Today 09:52 AM


1 Chronicles 16:15
Be ye mindful always of his covenant; the word which he commanded to a thousand generations ... an everlasting covenant.
Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

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