Straight 4 Jesus! (Back Door Christians) At LBC, we will cure your perversion of choice (even if we have to stone you). |
|
God Squad
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
|
|
my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 07:43 AM
I was low on toilet paper, so I didn't use the normal safety barrier of half a roll. A roll per session is my general rule, but I didn't have a full roll left.
Well, it happened. My finger went through the paper and I touched myself down there, actually it was more than just a touch. I think my finger went in a little.
Does this make me a homosexual?
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
|
|
Trying to out-Methuselah Methuselah You kids get off his lawn!
|
|
Posts: 22,438
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Close to God
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 07:50 AM
Why do you use toilet paper?
Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
|
|
God Squad
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 08:00 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man
Why do you use toilet paper?
|
What do you use?
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
|
|
Former Mary Hailer who has seen The Light©
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 10,391
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Surrounded By Married Homos and Baby Killers in Godless England
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 08:00 AM
Have you considered cutting off the finger?
|
|
God Squad
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 08:01 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redeemed Papist
Have you considered cutting off the finger?
|
It did offend me, perhaps I should.
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
|
|
Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 08:01 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield
I was low on toilet paper, so I didn't use the normal safety barrier of half a roll. A roll per session is my general rule, but I didn't have a full roll left.
Well, it happened. My finger went through the paper and I touched myself down there, actually it was more than just a touch. I think my finger went in a little.
Does this make me a homosexual?
|
You may well have caught the gay brother Eliot.
Touching yourself in that way is certainly not what you want to let Jesus catch you doing.
You should always wear gloves as an added precaution, I know I always do.
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
|
|
God Squad
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 08:03 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Talitha
You may well have caught the gay brother Eliot.
Touching yourself in that way is certainly not what you want to let Jesus catch you doing.
You should always wear gloves as an added precaution, I know I always do.
|
I should have thought of that! I will in the future.
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
|
|
Former Mary Hailer who has seen The Light©
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 10,391
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Surrounded By Married Homos and Baby Killers in Godless England
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 08:05 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Talitha
You may well have caught the gay brother Eliot.
Touching yourself in that way is certainly not what you want to let Jesus catch you doing.
You should always wear gloves as an added precaution, I know I always do.
|
But aren't gloves just hand condoms?
The gays use condoms because they rightly fear God's holy AIDS and think they can thereby avoid His judgement.
That doesn't stop the abomination - it just makes it worse because they are trying to get round God who is always watching them.
His finger has offended him. For me there can only be one recourse. He has nine more chances to get it right in future.
|
|
Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 08:15 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redeemed Papist
But aren't gloves just hand condoms?
The gays use condoms because they rightly fear God's holy AIDS and think they can thereby avoid His judgement.
That doesn't stop the abomination - it just makes it worse because they are trying to get round God who is always watching them.
His finger has offended him. For me there can only be one recourse. He has nine more chances to get it right in future.
|
I don't want to be too hard on Brother Eliot here as I'm sure his actions were unintentional.
When someone uses one of Satans balloons, they are doing it intentionally. To protect yourself from being infected by rectal demons by wearing gloves is merely not taking chances.
I'm not talking about rubber gloves here as those could certainly have alternative uses within the Freehold Community.
I'm talking thick woollen or cotton gloves.
Still, I daresay one finger wouldn't be missed by brother Eliot.
It was JUST ONE finger wasn't it?
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
|
|
Former Mary Hailer who has seen The Light©
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 10,391
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Surrounded By Married Homos and Baby Killers in Godless England
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 08:20 AM
You are wise, sister Talitha - your father clearly instructed you well - it's almost like you are thinking for yourself.
Cotton or wool would most definitely act as a much better barrier against accidental insertion and the cleaning of the garment would be a suitable penance for carelessness in allowing accidental peripheral contact as would anal chafing. Perhaps spreading mustard on the glove would likewise discourage the potential sinner from temptation to probe?
It's a shame brother Eliot didn't ask for your wise and motherly guidance before endangering his finger.
|
|
Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 08:29 AM
That happened to me, once. That's why I like waxy toilet paper. It isn't as soft as the Charmin, but it's more durable, with less risk of inadvertent contact.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
|
|
Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 08:35 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nobar King
That happened to me, once. That's why I like waxy toilet paper. It isn't as soft as the Charmin, but it's more durable, with less risk of inadvertent contact.
|
Good call brother Nobar. The harder the better.
Of course, there are all kinds of mops and pads available, but most of them are no more than Homersexural m'ing devices.
***WARNING: LINK TO ANAL M'ING DEVICE***
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
|
|
Former Mary Hailer who has seen The Light©
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 10,391
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Surrounded By Married Homos and Baby Killers in Godless England
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 08:43 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Talitha
Good call brother Nobar. The harder the better.
Of course, there are all kinds of mops and pads available, but most of them are no more than Homersexural m'ing devices.
***WARNING: LINK TO ANAL M'ING DEVICE***
|
Yikes!
You could do worse and have one of those dreadful self pleasuring bidet devices the continental Europeans use. It took me ages to figure out why anyone would want to direct a jet of water thuswards. I'd been cleaning my feet in it for a week when I travelled to communist France to spread God's love for the saved and hatred for the wicked. Imagine my horror when the hotel brochure revealed the true masturbatory nature of it.
No wonder they are so depraved - they even get their children to direct jets of water at their parts!
afflicted nations one and all!
|
|
God Squad
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 01:54 PM
It seems that it is against secular law to cut off your finger! It's my body and my right as A christian to do as Jesus wants me too! If I was a liberal slut, it'd be ok to have my baby murdered, but not for a Christian to follow God's word.
It seems if I cut my finger off, I'll be put in a "mental" hospital! I knew a True Christian ™ once who was put in one of those places. They didn't let him out until he was an atheist and he was just never the same. His eyes were always glazed and he didn't talk much either.
It's all the work of Satan, mental hospitals. We all know crazy people are just infested with demons!
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
|
|
Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 02:06 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield
It seems that it is against secular law to cut off your finger! It's my body and my right as A christian to do as Jesus wants me too! If I was a liberal slut, it'd be ok to have my baby murdered, but not for a Christian to follow God's word.
It seems if I cut my finger off, I'll be put in a "mental" hospital! I knew a True Christian ™ once who was put in one of those places. They didn't let him out until he was an atheist and he was just never the same. His eyes were always glazed and he didn't talk much either.
It's all the work of Satan, mental hospitals. We all know crazy people are just infested with demons!
|
Come around to my Circumcision clinic after Church tomorrow. I'm sure we can arrange something
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
|
|
God Squad
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 02:11 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Talitha
Come around to my Circumcision clinic after Church tomorrow. I'm sure we can arrange something
|
I appreciate the offer, but I'm off for 6 weeks to teach at a Jesus camp.
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
|
|
Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 02:16 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield
I appreciate the offer, but I'm off for 6 weeks to teach at a Jesus camp.
|
You're teaching kids with a corrupt and possibly even gay finger?
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
|
|
God Squad
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 02:21 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Talitha
You're teaching kids with a corrupt and possibly even gay finger?
|
I've wrapped it up in duct tape.
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
|
|
Director of the German "Holy-caust" Evangelical Crusade Jesus macht frei
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 5,914
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Black Forrest, Germany
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 03:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield
What do you use?
|
The answer is simple: Nothing.
Has God told us that we should use toilet papers?
Of course not. God gave us womans to clean the underwear everyday.
I don't use toilet papers since many years and everything is fine!
|
|
Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
|
|
Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? -
07-09-2011, 03:49 PM
Newspaper works well, too, for when you run out of toilet paper.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9 Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved
|