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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 289
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Freehold, here I am!
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How do I start having sons? -
02-11-2011, 03:02 PM
Brothers, I come to you in a time of desperate need.
I have been married to my wife Bernadette for 24 years. We lead a simple and modest True Christian™, and have ourselves a nice little Christian family that adheres strictly to the teachings of our Lord as defined in the KJV1611. However, after her 40th birthday last Wednesday, a horrible realization hit me: The timer on my wife's oven is about to tick away, and we have only had daughters thus far.
At first, like any rational True Christian™ man, I thought that it was my wife's fault for our inability to have us some Godly sons. At the birth of my first daughter, Ann, I was understandably very disappointed when the doctor told me the news. In fact, I figured that hospital staff had probably messed something up in the delivery procedure, resulting in my wife giving birth to a girl rather than a strong, True Christian™ boy. However, when my second daughter, Abigail, was born, I began suspecting that it was Bernadette's fault all along, and disciplined her at home for the following two weeks like any True Christian™ man would.
The story gets worse, my brothers. My suspicions of Bernadette's inability to give me sons was confirmed when she gave birth to our third daughter, Amy. We hadn't even engaged in the despicable act of intercourse prior to this. It was then I had decided that Bernadette was so incredibly incompetent at giving birth to a True Christian™ son, that she had even mistakenly spawned another daughter. (However, in retrospect, I take a little bit of responsibility for her corrupt ways; I had become lenient in enforcing her house-arrest punishments and had allowed her to leave multiple times a week for the grocery store to "get more pie-making ingredients"...)
However, my world was turned upside-down when I came across this blasphemous article:
http://www.science20.com/news_releas...der_says_study
Apparently, we True Christian™ men are "genetically" responsible for determining the gender of our babies. Brothers, I am struggling to find meaning in this. Is it really my fault that all I have are daughters? Believe me, I have tried so hard to have sons. My wife and I have had intercourse exactly twice. For every second during both despicable instances, I have thought about nothing but men. I think about having a man around the house, getting to tuck him in at night, reading him bedtime stories, and how big and strong he would be. So, if I am deciding right then and there that I want to have a son by thinking about men while having intercourse with my wife, then why does Bernadette still give birth to girls?
Brothers, I would appreciate any advice you could give me in this time of need.
YIC,
Jed
Matthew 7:15
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
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Friendliest Fellow in all of Freehold
True Christian™
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Posts: 950
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Leviticus Landing, Freehold, Iowa.
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
02-11-2011, 03:16 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jed_Cassidy
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I wouldn't trust anything written on that website, Brother. As we know science is completely inaccurate and useless as it changes all the time. I doubt the existence of genes, I've never seen one even though we apparently have loads of them.
No, the fault certainly lies with your wife, have you thought about pre-emptive beatings? On another note, beating her shortly after intercourse will show GOD how much of a good Christian father you are when He is making His decision on whether to grant you a magnificent son, or another waste of 9 months daughter.
6 A woman came up to me the other day, 12/6/2016 and said:
"But Mr. Winner, if GOD loves everyone then why is there so much suffering in the world?"
Because GOD doesn't love everyone. Too many people have this absurd idea in their heads that GOD is all loving.
If he was all loving, then murderers, thieves and homosexuals would be waiting for you in Heaven.
GOD doesn't open his gate to just anyone. Being a True Christian™ is like a Queue Jump ticket at Disney, we are guaranteed a ride with JESUS.
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Predestinated Servant of Jesus Christ by the Will of God True Christian™ Theologian
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,420
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
02-11-2011, 04:03 PM
We all feel your pain, Brother Jed.
What you need is some pre-natal counseling. Nowadays, the scienticians at any good hospital can extract a sample from your wife's oven and test the developing foetus for birth defects. If their tests show the thing is horribly deformed due to the defect of female gender, all you'll need to do is scrub out the oven and try baking another ham. If I was you, I'd give your pediatrician a call today and get those tests run sooner rather than later.
I loved Newt before Newt was invincible
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The Godliest Man in Godless Canuckistan
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,391
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: America's Frozen Attic
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
02-11-2011, 06:45 PM
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Originally Posted by WinnerNotSinner
I wouldn't trust anything written on that website, Brother. As we know science is completely inaccurate and useless as it changes all the time. I doubt the existence of genes, I've never seen one even though we apparently have loads of them.
No, the fault certainly lies with your wife,
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Absolutely correct - and I know this from experience. Of my first 5 children born, only one was a boy. In the delivery room, immediately after the doctor told us our fifth child was yet another girl, my wife started crying softly and told me how sorry she was. And she didn't make that mistake again. The next two were boys!
Obviously it was up to her all along as to whether the baby would be a boy or a girl.
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 24
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Spilling the blood of Heretics
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
02-11-2011, 08:49 PM
It is all part of God's Divine Plan that you are unable to have sons. Your were instead given daughters who will marry good True Christian men. It may seem like a curse now but just wait until they marry: you'll likely be assimilated into multiple wealthy families.
Also, don't believe the ScIeNtists: they have no idea what they're talking about. It's not your fault your wife is unable to give you sons, it's hers (and God's for not including them in his Divine Plan but hey! I'd rather have no sons than live in a world in which God's Divine Plan forgot to mention that we are the master race)
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,074
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: On my way to Heaven!
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
02-12-2011, 12:03 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jed_Cassidy
Apparently, we True Christian™ men are "genetically" responsible for determining the gender of our babies.
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You should never trust those pesky atheist scientists.
Everybody knows it's the womans fault.
Have you not disciplined your wife enough? Been to soft with the rod?
I will pray for you.
"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
John 8:32
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Unsaved trash, teenaged pervert
Under Investigation
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Posts: 7
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: reading playboy
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
02-17-2011, 05:33 AM
Have sex at a different time of the month. Male sperm have short lives, but are fast, and female sperm have long lives, but are slow.
PH balances in the vagina, along with how close she is to her period, really effect which sperm gets where first.
You're the man, and you're having sex with her at the wrong time of the month, and a female is telling you what to do? Be ashamed of yourself. Pick up a book and learn. Your job as a man is to guide her, and you can't even tell her how to give you a son.
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
02-17-2011, 05:40 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by childofgodslove
Have sex at a different time of the month. Male sperm have short lives, but are fast, and female sperm have long lives, but are slow.
PH balances in the cooter, along with how close she is to her period, really effect which sperm gets where first.
You're the man, and you're having sex with her at the wrong time of the month, and a female is telling you what to do? Be ashamed of yourself. Pick up a book and learn. Your job as a man is to guide her, and you can't even tell her how to give you a son.
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Dear Pervert:
That was revolting. This is a Christian forum. God hates degenerates like you!
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Romans 1:24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:
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Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Master of Biblical Study and Ancient Languages With Jesus now.
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,474
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Miniscule Ohio town about which nobody heard
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
02-17-2011, 05:26 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by childofgodslove
Have sex at a different time of the month. Male sperm have short lives, but are fast, and female sperm have long lives, but are slow.
PH balances in the cooter, along with how close she is to her period, really effect which sperm gets where first.
You're the man, and you're having sex with her at the wrong time of the month, and a female is telling you what to do? Be ashamed of yourself. Pick up a book and learn. Your job as a man is to guide her, and you can't even tell her how to give you a son.
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The things they teach at secular, atheist schools is astounding. When did females start producing sperm? Maybe one of the True Christian™ wives can tell me if they stopped having eggs.
How can a True Christian™ husband have sex at the wrong time? That is like saying True Christian™ women are delivering at the wrong time. When nature calls, it is time. Period.
And please watch your language. Filthy talk about cooters is just not appropriate on a Godly forum. I'm surprised you didn't try to sneak a few pictures past us.
YiJC, BS
II Peter 1:4 -- Whereby are giuen vnto vs exceeding great and precious promises, that by these you might bee partakers of thy diuine nature, hauing escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
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Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
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Posts: 13
Join Date: Jan 2011
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
02-20-2011, 03:31 PM
The hospital staff may have been Satan is disguise to curse you with these Daughters. But, if they are True Christian™ doctors then it's your wife's fault.
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 76
Join Date: May 2016
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
05-23-2016, 02:23 AM
Don't discipline your wife! It's not her fault that your having daughters, it was part of God's plan. Just go with whatever gift He gives you, and be thankful for it. Your wife committed no sins, God will choose whether you have a daughter or a son. And it doesn't matter anyways. Jesus died for the salvation of everyone, not just men. Remember what Jesus said in the garden, "If it is your will, let this cup pass from me, but not my will, but Yours be done" God will provide you with the children you need
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Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
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Posts: 5
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Heaven
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
10-01-2016, 10:16 PM
How about you start appreciating your piffleing wife and leave her and your daughters alone? They are not your property, nor your "dolls." She clearly is trying to please you, but your close-minded narcissistic brain can't seem to handle that you clearly evolved to be stupid. I feel offended that I am of the same species as you monsters.
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Isaiah 13:9 Behold, the day of the Lord cometh, cruel both with wrath and fierce anger, to lay the land desolate: and he shall destroy the sinners thereof out of it.
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South of the Border outreach program True Christian™
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Posts: 13,142
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Godly Midwest
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
10-01-2016, 10:29 PM
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Originally Posted by God_Is_My_Savior
How about you start appreciating your piffleing wife
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Why? According to the Holy Bible, it's women who need to appreciate men, not the other way around:
1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
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and leave her and your daughters alone? They are not your property,
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There's no proof for your statement in the Holy Bible. There is, however, evidence to the contrary.
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nor your "dolls." She clearly is trying to please you, but your close-minded narcissistic brain can't seem to handle that you clearly evolved to be stupid. I feel offended that I am of the same species as you monsters.
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Your unjust persecution reassures me that we're right and you're wrong:
2 Timothy 3:12 Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.
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Revelationary Equine Gnathologist for Christ
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,395
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Prodigal Son of Godless NYC.
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
10-01-2016, 10:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by God_Is_My_Savior
How about you start appreciating your piffleing wife and leave her and your daughters alone? They are not your property, nor your "dolls." She clearly is trying to please you, but your close-minded narcissistic brain can't seem to handle that you clearly evolved to be stupid. I feel offended that I am of the same species as you monsters.
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I've spoken here a few times about sitting in the seat of the scornful. (Psalm 1:1) Your potty mouth and your smug, self-centered views are contrary to what this board is trying to accomplish. Why aren't you displaying the acceptance and love that comes from having Jesus in your heart?
True Christians™ are perfect, sinless, and heaven bound. It is hard for us to suffer your antics when we are trying to Praise the Lord.
You'll do well to guard your tongue.
COME LORD JESUS! (Rev. 22:12)
BrotherLarry
Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”
Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man. Amen and Amen
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Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
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Posts: 8
Join Date: May 2016
Location: In my mom's basement
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
10-05-2016, 08:24 PM
Despite my basement-dwelling tendencies, I still have managed to find a bammin' slammin' bootylicious ladyfriend, with whom I have had children with. Every time we have intercourse, my wife (or waifu, as we good ol' Christians like to say,) loves rambling on and on about pandas.
I don't condone layin' down with pandas, don't get me wrong, but we've had thirteen and a half sons (one got his legs cut off by some random amputee hobo or somethin,) and no daughters. However, once she started talking about 'kawaii koalas' and now we have a daughter.
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Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
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Posts: 14,451
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The other end of the internet
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
10-05-2016, 08:50 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringFatBoringAssFollower
...boring deleted because was boring...
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I hope there's special employment programs for the extremely boring when you get out of school, or you're going to be SOL (and boring).
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Trying to out-Methuselah Methuselah You kids get off his lawn!
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Posts: 22,424
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Close to God
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Re: How do I start having sons? -
10-05-2016, 10:15 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by FatAssFollower
I still have managed to find a bammin' slammin' bootylicious ladyfriend
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No you didn't. All you actually have is a sticky smelly keyboard.
And it's your own fault. You hate Jesus, so Jesus hates you. It's only fair. Why are you such a horrible person?
Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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