[Virginia Day Templeton]

The threat is everywhere. Witches, wizards, necromancers, fortune tellers, and conjurers used to dwell in the shadows, relying on trickery to ensnare the unsaved and rattle the faith of Christians, but now the Internet has allowed them to bring their evil into the open. Diabolical recipes, curses, even full grimoires are only a Google search away—and secular web filters, which label our own church a hate site, offer no protection. For those unequipped with JesOS, the World Wide Web can become a spiritual death trap.

Case in point: Etsy, the online marketplace for handmade arts and crafts. If you thought the biggest danger of Etsy was getting stuck in a poorly knit cat sweater, think again. It is a virtual coven whose vast network of witches peddling their wares has made it one of the Internet's most Satanic sites.

Etsy is full of peculiar items for sale-as Regretsy famously illustrated-but what's often forgotten is that it's also full of witches. The marketplace offers an online home for spell casters, fortune tellers, and those ladies you might see in the local alt-weekly ads peering into a glowing crystal sphere.

The average paranormal purchase involves back-and-forth emails to work out what's required, a personal recommendation, and finally the casting of the spell, with a date given for when the client can expect its effects to start kicking in. Victoria gets asked about custom spellwork, but can't always cater to the requests. Some are a little ambitious: "I got one request to make the client taller, one to change the color of their eyes... I don't want to lead them on. Some of the requests are just ridiculous." (Apparently, the film The Craft has a lot to answer for.) She adds, "A number of spell casters I know have been sent pornographic pictures and requests to make clients' penises bigger."

It is hardly a surprise that most witchcraft involves Satan's fingers, penises. But there are even darker forces at work.

Etsy spells live in the "Handmade/Everything Else/Metaphysical" category of the site and can take several formats. There's the haunted object-most often an antique or jewelry with a "spirit" inside for good luck-and there's downloadable magic in PDF form (as with this vampiric transformation ritual). But most common of all is the spell similar to a Catholic indulgence, or any other faith encompassing paid-for prayers: For a price, the seller will cast a spell for you.

Yes, you read that right. With nary more than a credit card, your teens can go online and buy instructions to turn themselves—or their friends, teachers, or too-strict parents!—into bloodthirsty vampires. Whether it works or not, someone is going to Hell. There are countless magical artifacts on offer, some undoubtedly made from the body parts of Christians, as well as quaint-looking antiques in which malevolent spirits dwell. Could that button-eyed doll house a devil or a ghost, waiting for just the right moment to possess you, torment you, kill you? If you bought it on Etsy, it could.

Supposedly the site is now cracking down on witches who use it to sell spells, but I don't buy that for a second.

According to a change in Etsy’s sales policy, made earlier this month, the site will not allow “any metaphysical service that promises or suggests it will effect a physical change (e.g., weight loss) or other outcome (e.g., love, revenge).” The site has reportedly begun cracking down in recent days, asking store owners to reword their listings or taking the shops down entirely.

Magico-medicinal Yoruba soaps? Nah.

Protection spells in tiny glass bottles? Probably not.

Etsy hasn’t yet taken action on these crystals that promise to heal AIDS, cancer, depression, hypotension and constipation, among a variety of other ailments — but we’re sure that’s forthcoming.

For one thing, they aren't actually removing most of the listings, just asking the sellers to reword them. The site still allows the sale of magic crystals purported to heal sicknesses; remember that a witch can only "cure" cancer by inflicting it on someone else. And the crackdown has nothing to do with the fact that witchcraft is dangerous and Satanic. Rather, it's because these demon-deepthroating hags are... get ready for it... selling "services" instead of "products" (dramatic eye-roll) which is not what Etsy is for. All the policy really seems to be doing is driving them towards new web vendors completely devoted to sorcery.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

That is disgusting. I'm incensed. Did you happen to notice if there's any mention whether clients can get their money back who already paid for a.... uhh, tallness spell?