Pastor Zeke's News Wire Keep up to date with an ever-changing world from an even more Godlier perspective than FOX News. |
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Harry Potter Author Vanishes -
04-01-2007, 08:20 PM
Praise Jesus, I think the good Lord has finally removed that child-corrupting monster from the planet! THIS article makes Jesus smile:
Quote:
Beloved Children's Author J.K. Rowling Missing
David Jameson
Exclusive to Fox News
J.K. Rowling, renowned author of the controversial occult-themed Harry Potter series of young adult novels, has disappeared following a book-signing event in America's heartland.
"She'd received a letter from some church in Iowa," explained publicist Christopher Little, "inviting her to a huge book-signing event. They claimed they'd have over 100,000 people in attendance, and asked that she bring plenty of books to sell and sign. Always happy to oblige her fans, she agreed."
Rowling was flown by private jet to the vast gated complex called Freehold in central Iowa -- it has its own small airport -- having sent two tractor-trailers full of books to arrive the same day. What happened then is a mystery.
"Well, she arrived on about 6:30 last night," reported Bobby-Joe Herndon, Security Supervisor for Landover Baptist Church. "We thought she was going to miss the barbeque! But no, she made it. The coals were just getting hot when she arrived."
The remnants of the previous night's carnival were still in place; dunking booths, an outdoor BINGO hall, and any number of typical small-town fair booths.
"I don't know just how many books Miz Rowling brought," continued Mr. Herndon, "but you can see, they's all gone now. Sure was a big night! The kids especially loved roasting marshmallows over the J.K. Rowling Bonfire."
When asked where Rowling spent the night, Herndon replied cryptically, "Well, I can't rightly say, but I'm sure she stayed real warm, if'n ya catch my drift." I didn't, and he refused to elaborate.
Local police are likewise at a loss.
"Rowling missing, you say?" Sheriff Cartwright inquired, as I stepped into the local police station. "First I've heard of it! Know what they say, bad news travels fast. Fast outside Freehold, we don't never have bad news here, all God-fearin' folk. I'll get the boys on it."
Apparently, nobody had bothered to contact the police when the most famous author to visit in fifty years vanished. Nor can anyone explain why a church known for blasting Rowling's books as heresy would hold a major festival in her honor.
We will keep readers posted on further developments as they come available.
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Foul Sinner on Moderation
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Re: Harry Potter Author Vanishes -
04-01-2007, 09:08 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by OnYourKnees
Praise Jesus, I think the good Lord has finally removed that child-corrupting monster from the planet! THIS article makes Jesus smile:
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What do u mean I seen her last night in the cove oops!!
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
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Re: Harry Potter Author Vanishes -
04-02-2007, 12:21 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by OnYourKnees
Praise Jesus, I think the good Lord has finally removed that child-corrupting monster from the planet! THIS article makes Jesus smile:
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Yeah, I heard about that. Was that around the same time that kid saw the flock of winged pigs go past?
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Re: Harry Potter Author Vanishes -
04-02-2007, 01:17 AM
The other pastors and I disavow any knowledge of this incident. All of us, especially Pastor Pistle and Brother BJ, have rock-solid alibis, and can account for every moment of our time and whereabouts during the timeframe of this coven-leader's disappearance. Particularly during the time that any beatings or assaults may have allegedly taken place, we were all occupied elsewhere. Praise Jesus.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
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Location: Red Peking
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Re: Harry Potter Author Vanishes -
04-02-2007, 01:20 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
The other pastors and I disavow any knowledge of this incident. All of us, especially Pastor Pistle and Brother BJ, have rock-solid alibis, and can account for every moment of our time and whereabouts during the timeframe of this coven-leader's disappearance. Particularly during the time that any beatings or assaults may have allegedly taken place, we were all occupied elsewhere. Praise Jesus.
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But Zekey, it doesn't say what day it was. How do you know?
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Re: Harry Potter Author Vanishes -
04-02-2007, 02:41 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing
But Zekey, it doesn't say what day it was. How do you know?
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Perhaps you missed the parts of the article mentioning the JK Rowling Bonfire (something probably hard to miss in the flatlands of Iowa) and the "carnival booths".
I've little doubt the Pastors know exactly what was going on in Freehold!
I, of course, was in Salem. I'm sorry I missed the Stone-Toss Contest, and I do so love a good LBC BBQ!
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Re: Harry Potter Author Vanishes -
04-02-2007, 05:23 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing
But Zekey, it doesn't say what day it was. How do you know?
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Doesn't matter. We weren't there. Capeesh?
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Honorary White Woman.
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Re: Harry Potter Author Vanishes -
04-02-2007, 08:36 AM
Oh! So that's what all that commotion was about the other night! Someone had gave me some leftover ribs from when that had happened... they was a bit more done than I would have preferred, but they's still the best ribs I's ever tasted! Praise! Ooooo thems was good! I can't say who gave 'em to me because they had wanted me to keep quiet (such modesty - bless they heart!), but you know who you is and I thanks you from the bottom of my heart for them yummy ribs. God bless all of y'all for y'all kind hospitality! Praise!
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
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Re: Harry Potter Author Vanishes -
04-02-2007, 03:48 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
The other pastors and I disavow any knowledge of this incident. All of us, especially Pastor Pistle and Brother BJ, have rock-solid alibis, and can account for every moment of our time and whereabouts during the timeframe of this coven-leader's disappearance. Particularly during the time that any beatings or assaults may have allegedly taken place, we were all occupied elsewhere. Praise Jesus.
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Yes, sadly I was'nt present when Rowlings supposedly disappeared. Instead I was running security for some of our Pastors who were meeting with several prospective Republican candidates for various Iowa state offices in ’08 election. Since my mind was focused on the critical and Godly task of protecting the men who will retake the state for Jesus I was needless to say not that concerned with that hell bounded harlot Rowlings. Her disappearance is a surprise to me as it is to everyone else. Frankly I am shocked that people would suspect me of being involved in it.
We video tapped and time stamped the meeting for any doubters out there.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
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Scientific Advisor
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Re: Harry Potter Author Vanishes -
04-04-2007, 07:15 PM
Perhaps the Lord raptures her away prematurely.......... to HELL! Sometimes God just gets fed up with these nuisances and has to remind the world who is in charge!
Trump 2020: "For Real This Time"
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Re: Harry Potter Author Vanishes -
04-04-2007, 10:57 PM
THIS is rather disturbing:
Quote:
Fox News Reporter Disappears
Jennifer Crowley
Fox News reporter David Jameson failed to return from an investigative assignment in Iowa earlier this week.
The Freehold Luxor Hotel manager, Peter Ford, informed us via telephone that Mr. Jameson checked out Sunday evening and drove out of town in his rented car. The car was never returned to the rental agency.
In related news, author J.K. Rowling was found last night wandering a cornfield in Iowa, muttering about finding Jesus and the evils of witchcraft. More on this story as it develops.
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Last edited by OnYourKnees; 04-04-2007 at 10:57 PM.
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
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Re: Harry Potter Author Vanishes -
04-05-2007, 03:23 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by OnYourKnees
THIS is rather disturbing:
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Rowlings was found in a cornfield? My, that is,..good news. We were terribly all afraid she would ended up wandering out on Interstate 80 and get hit by a semi. That happens all the time with sinners you see. She must be a really lucky woman to avoid that.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
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Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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