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Reload this Page Introduction Praise the Lord!
The introduction forum Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.

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Murray Murray is offline
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Posts: 3
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: The tundra of Alaska
Murray is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Introduction Praise the Lord! - 03-03-2013, 06:04 AM

I give praise for access to this Godly site. Yes, I am currently living in the wasteland of the Alaskan tundra. In His wisdom, the Lord made petroleum, Eskimos, Sarah Payloins and covered them all in a blanket of snow and ice. Why is not to be questioned, but it is all a part of His design.

I don't attend a church for there is no Christian church to attend within 800 miles by dog sled. There are idol, Mary worshipping Catholics and the "Church" of Latter Day Saints, mormon, both of whom are affronts to the Lord and make Jesus weep. I don't "diddle" with boys on the altar and try to alter them into choosing the sodomite lifestyle nor do I approve of pairs of boys in white shirts, black name tags yapping about golden plates going door to door interrupting people in Bible study of the one True Bible, KJV 1611.

I became saved, devoted my soul to glorifying Jesus' name at the age of 11. It was at summer Bible camp where a youth Pastor led me to the Lord, exorcised all demons and washed away my sin with a full immersion Baptism! I was young and still naive, but studied my Bible seriously, prayed daily as devoutly as a child could, but credit goes to that Pastor for providing a personal relationship with the Lord.

It was on a Tuesday morning I remember well, the Pastor came into the cabin for a bed inspection, I had stayed behind to finish my prayers while my fellow campers had gone on to work on crafts. I paid the Pastor no mind as he went from bed to bed until he reached mine. He pulled back the sheets, inspected them carefully and then sniffed them. "Son", he said, "this cabin has become infested with rectal demons and I can smell that they likely have taken up residence in you too"! Being young and as I said still naive, I had never heard of rectal demons before. I knew of demons, but had no idea they would enter and "go down there". He told me I could be saved, he could drive out those demons and this would be the start of my personal and private relationship with the Lord.

He took my Bible from my hands, (KJV 1611) and placed it upon the bed. He said my blind faith was important, close my eyes so no demon could enter through them, relax and try not to thrash around too much and he would wrestle those demons to turn loose my soul. He pushed me down to my knees beside the bed, told me to relax and let the Lord speak in tongues from my mouth. It felt like I had a mouthful of something, Pastor kept saying tongues, speak the words of the Lord from your lips and watch your teeth. I try to speak out that I felt like I was choking, but he kept saying good son, good job, the demons are coming, the demons will all be coming out soon. Yes son, yes, the Lord is coming, lips, the Lord is upon your lips, yes,yes, come to glory, Praise Jeeesuuuus!

Next he spun me around, dropped my pants to my ankles and started swatting my bare behind with the Holy Book. When my parents did that, it had been for some infraction like not completing my chores fast enough or stepping on the clean floor with dirty shoes. Boy that Pastor gave true meaning to the term, "beating the devil out". He kept urging me to hold strong, I was doing great, the demons were close to giving up and leaving me in peace. I'll bet my butt was as red as the devil's behind. Pastor said to bury my head in the pillow and hold tight to the bedstead. He had hold of the demon and it wouldn't be long before he was coming out. It sure felt strange, hurt a little and I sure could feel that demon thrashing around inside of me. It felt sort of like when I went to do number 2, but like the #2 was a giant Mexican jumping bean, going back and forth, feeling like it was almost out, but would pull itself back inside, I must say it felt the strangest twenty minutes in my young life.

Pastor cried out, "I got it, it's coming, it's coming, help me Jesus I'm cooommming"! I felt the demon give up his struggle, finally go limp and leave my body as the Pastor collapsed down upon me all sweaty and hot. He whispered to me that it was over and I was demon free. He said that was one of the toughest and tightest demons he had ever wrestled with before. He then took me down to the creek where the campers went swimming, we read the Bible, washed up and then when I fully accepted the Lord as my very personal Savior, he said to take a deep breath and he held me down under the water until I thought my lungs would burst.

Since that day, I remain washed in the blood of the lamb, I attend any True Christian Baptist Church available, but now must seek fellowship online do to my isolation, surrounded by heathens, idol worshippers, mormons and the occasional delusional Scientologist. I consider myself a Christian soldier, loaded for bear, ready to go to battle for the Lord.

My favorite Bible verse: 2 Kings 2:23-24 I can relate to Elisha as the Lord has given me more hair upon my face than I have on top of my head. I faithfully believe in the power of prayer, especially imprecatory prayers against enemies of the Lord and the Republican party.

I humbly apologize for excessive yappity yap, but I feel so filled with the Spirit.

Yours In Christ,
Murray O'Hair
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Default Re: Introduction Praise the Lord! - 03-03-2013, 06:06 AM

Dear Madilyn;

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Introduction Praise the Lord! - 03-03-2013, 06:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Murray View Post
I give praise for access to this Godly site. Yes, I am currently living in the wasteland of the Alaskan tundra. In His wisdom, the Lord made petroleum, Eskimos, Sarah Payloins and covered them all in a blanket of snow and ice. Why is not to be questioned, but it is all a part of His design.

I don't attend a church for there is no Christian church to attend within 800 miles by dog sled. There are idol, Mary worshipping Catholics and the "Church" of Latter Day Saints, mormon, both of whom are affronts to the Lord and make Jesus weep. I don't "diddle" with boys on the altar and try to alter them into choosing the sodomite lifestyle nor do I approve of pairs of boys in white shirts, black name tags yapping about golden plates going door to door interrupting people in Bible study of the one True Bible, KJV 1611.

I became saved, devoted my soul to glorifying Jesus' name at the age of 11. It was at summer Bible camp where a youth Pastor led me to the Lord, exorcised all demons and washed away my sin with a full immersion Baptism! I was young and still naive, but studied my Bible seriously, prayed daily as devoutly as a child could, but credit goes to that Pastor for providing a personal relationship with the Lord.

It was on a Tuesday morning I remember well, the Pastor came into the cabin for a bed inspection, I had stayed behind to finish my prayers while my fellow campers had gone on to work on crafts. I paid the Pastor no mind as he went from bed to bed until he reached mine. He pulled back the sheets, inspected them carefully and then sniffed them. "Son", he said, "this cabin has become infested with rectal demons and I can smell that they likely have taken up residence in you too"! Being young and as I said still naive, I had never heard of rectal demons before. I knew of demons, but had no idea they would enter and "go down there". He told me I could be saved, he could drive out those demons and this would be the start of my personal and private relationship with the Lord.

He took my Bible from my hands, (KJV 1611) and placed it upon the bed. He said my blind faith was important, close my eyes so no demon could enter through them, relax and try not to thrash around too much and he would wrestle those demons to turn loose my soul. He pushed me down to my knees beside the bed, told me to relax and let the Lord speak in tongues from my mouth. It felt like I had a mouthful of something, Pastor kept saying tongues, speak the words of the Lord from your lips and watch your teeth. I try to speak out that I felt like I was choking, but he kept saying good son, good job, the demons are coming, the demons will all be coming out soon. Yes son, yes, the Lord is coming, lips, the Lord is upon your lips, yes,yes, come to glory, Praise Jeeesuuuus!

Next he spun me around, dropped my pants to my ankles and started swatting my bare behind with the Holy Book. When my parents did that, it had been for some infraction like not completing my chores fast enough or stepping on the clean floor with dirty shoes. Boy that Pastor gave true meaning to the term, "beating the devil out". He kept urging me to hold strong, I was doing great, the demons were close to giving up and leaving me in peace. I'll bet my butt was as red as the devil's behind. Pastor said to bury my head in the pillow and hold tight to the bedstead. He had hold of the demon and it wouldn't be long before he was coming out. It sure felt strange, hurt a little and I sure could feel that demon thrashing around inside of me. It felt sort of like when I went to do number 2, but like the #2 was a giant Mexican jumping bean, going back and forth, feeling like it was almost out, but would pull itself back inside, I must say it felt the strangest twenty minutes in my young life.

Pastor cried out, "I got it, it's coming, it's coming, help me Jesus I'm cooommming"! I felt the demon give up his struggle, finally go limp and leave my body as the Pastor collapsed down upon me all sweaty and hot. He whispered to me that it was over and I was demon free. He said that was one of the toughest and tightest demons he had ever wrestled with before. He then took me down to the creek where the campers went swimming, we read the Bible, washed up and then when I fully accepted the Lord as my very personal Savior, he said to take a deep breath and he held me down under the water until I thought my lungs would burst.

Since that day, I remain washed in the blood of the lamb, I attend any True Christian Baptist Church available, but now must seek fellowship online do to my isolation, surrounded by heathens, idol worshippers, mormons and the occasional delusional Scientologist. I consider myself a Christian soldier, loaded for bear, ready to go to battle for the Lord.

My favorite Bible verse: 2 Kings 2:23-24 I can relate to Elisha as the Lord has given me more hair upon my face than I have on top of my head. I faithfully believe in the power of prayer, especially imprecatory prayers against enemies of the Lord and the Republican party.

I humbly apologize for excessive yappity yap, but I feel so filled with the Spirit.

Yours In Christ,
Murray O'Hair



Are you on drugs, jizzmop?
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