[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

All across the Islamic world, parents teach their children to become suicide bombers. "We are giving our child to Allah as a sacrifice", they say.

What is the answer? How do we counter this threat? The answer is obvious:

Christian Child Suicide Bombers!



Anybody who has read the Bible knows God likes human sacrifice:

"Take your son, your only son – yes, Isaac, whom you love so much – and go to the land of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains, which I will point out to you." -Genesis 22:1-18

While the temporary death of Jesus ("the first suicide bomber") was the last sacrifice God actually demanded, it would be nice to give Him a few gifts.

After all, as Christians, our goal is to be Christ-like. And Christ commited suicide to destroy sin. While being crucified for the world's sins isn't possible for every boy and girl, strapping on some dynamite and ball bearings and walking into a crowded mosque certainly is.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking "all that time and money and now all my kids will just blow up? What a Gyp!"

Well, remember that Christians outnumber Moslems, and one Christian suicide bomber can take out many moslems at the same time, so you won't have to sacrifice all your kids to win the war on terror. Just your eldest:

In Exodus 13:2 the Lord said "Consecrate to me every first-born that opens the womb among Israelites, both man and beast, for it belongs to me."

The Bible makes clear the link between sacrificing our children, and winning wars:

"...Jephthah made a vow to the LORD. He said, "If you give me victory over the Ammonites, I will give to the LORD the first thing coming out of my house to greet me when I return in triumph. I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering."

"So Jephthah led his army against the Ammonites, and the LORD gave him victory....When Jephthah returned home to Mizpah, his daughter – his only child – ran out to meet him, playing on a tambourine and dancing for joy...her father kept his vow, and she died a virgin.

-Judges 11:29-39

And if you're thinking "sacrifice is one thing, but why suicide-bomb to death people I've never even met?" God makes clear in the Bible that He wants followers of other religions to be sacrificed as well:

At the LORD's command, a man of God from Judah went to Bethel, and he arrived there just as Jeroboam was approaching the altar to offer a sacrifice. Then at the LORD's command, he shouted, "O altar, altar! This is what the LORD says: A child named Josiah will be born into the dynasty of David. On you he will sacrifice the priests from the pagan shrines who come here to burn incense, and human bones will be burned on you." -1 Kings 13:1-2

He [Josiah] executed the priests of the pagan shrines on their own altars, and he burned human bones on the altars to desecrate them. Finally, he returned to Jerusalem. King Josiah then issued this order to all the people: "You must celebrate the Passover to the LORD your God, as it is written in the Book of the Covenant." There had not been a Passover celebration like that since the time when the judges ruled in Israel, throughout all the years of the kings of Israel and Judah. This Passover was celebrated to the LORD in Jerusalem during the eighteenth year of King Josiah's reign. Josiah also exterminated the mediums and psychics, the household gods, and every other kind of idol worship, both in Jerusalem and throughout the land of Judah. He did this in obedience to all the laws written in the scroll that Hilkiah the priest had found in the LORD's Temple. Never before had there been a king like Josiah, who turned to the LORD with all his heart and soul and strength, obeying all the laws of Moses. And there has never been a king like him since. -2 Kings 23:20-25

And for all of you parents who are saying "How do you expect me to convince my kids to blow themselves up?" Well don't worry. We're going to encourage them in every way we can, in fact, we're already modifying the toys at Sunday school:



UPDATE! FOX NEWS FOLLOWS OUR LEAD!

Here's Fox news calling for funding middle-eastern terrorists to carry out Iraq-style suicide car bombings, and similar "havoc"! Hey, maybe we can even recreate the Beslan school massacre!

Landover leads, the world follows!

[lord warrior]

What a lovely way for america's youth to really show thier love for Jesus, dying as a martyr for Jesus. But who should we send our Christian soldiers to blow up first. Abortion clinics, gay bath houses,San Fransisco. What about blowing up mosque's and other muslim sites, relive the glory of the crusades for Jesus. You were indeed led by the Holy Spirit on this one.

[Sista Lateefah]

GLORY! A Godly point, Brotha Jeb. This remind me of what Sista Becky Fisher had said:

It's no wonder, with that kind of intense training and discipling, that those young people are ready to kill themselves for the cause of Islam. I wanna see young people who are as committed to the cause of Jesus Christ as the young people are to the cause of Islam. I wanna see them as radically laying down their lives for the Gospel as they are over in Pakistan and Israel and Palestine and all those different places, you know, because we have... excuse me, but we have the Truth!

Amen and HALLELUJAH! I gots me ten chillrens, and I'd be willin' to sacrifice at least five of 'em fo' this Godly cause. The retarded would be the first one to go, of course.

[SalvationSeeker]

Hmm.. Interesting suggestion. And it may actually be a great idea!
The Lord God sure is no stranger to us sarcificing people to/for Him:
Thou shalt not delay to offer the first of thy ripe fruits, and of thy liquors:
The firstborn of thy sons shalt thou give unto me.
Exodus 22:29

We might as well squat two flies with one stones, and give the Lord our firstborn son while destroying the unbelievers at the same time!
PRAISE JESUS! Death to the infidels!

[Wash O'Hanley]

This is an excellent idea because it answers the question of how we can get our Christian children to love God as much as Muslim children worship whichever wrong God Muslims stupidly believe in. In the Muslim world the children are always more than happy to participate in suicide bombing and they are making our children look like a bunch of lazy atheists. Additionally, child suicide bombing for Jesus would promote a Christian lifestyle, build strong morals that they will pass on to their children and steer them away from dangerous lifestyles like Goth, Homosexuality and Liberalism which promote self-killing and other dangerous activities.

[Sister Noddy]

I especially approve of Bomber Barbi, she ought to get the message across to kids that this is both the serious business of GOD and a fun thing to do for JESUS.

Praise!

[lilith]

Excellent idea! Since all you godly types have an inexhaustible supply of kids...

[SalvationSeeker]

Originally Posted by lilith

Excellent idea! Since all you godly types have an inexhaustible supply of kids...

Well, yes.
Kids are one of few resources that one can simply produce more of when need increases.

[Father Thomas Martin]

I think you should read "The Rest Of The Story" with Abraham taking Isaac up to the mountain.

(Hint: Just as he's about to slaughter his son, an angel tells him to "not hurt one hair on his head." That was just a test from God, and ol' Abe passed the test! So Abe sacrificed a ram in its place. -Genesis 22:9-14)

[SalvationSeeker]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

I think you should read "The Rest Of The Story" with Abraham taking Isaac up to the mountain.

(Hint: Just as he's about to slaughter his son, an angel tells him to "not hurt one hair on his head." That was just a test from God, and ol' Abe passed the test! So Abe sacrificed a ram in its place. -Genesis 22:9-14)

We have read it to the finish, fool.
And yes, it was a test.. but do you know WHAT was the test?
If Abraham loved God enough to sacrifice his children when God ordered.
If he wouldn't have been prepared to kill Issac, he would have FAILED.


But don't you deny that God accepts human sacrifice!
Jephthah sacrificed his daughter to Him, and He is no stranger to such sacrifice either:
Thou shalt not delay to offer the first of thy ripe fruits, and of thy liquors:
The firstborn of thy sons shalt thou give unto me.
Exodus 22:29

[Deaner]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

(Hint: Just as he's about to slaughter his son, an angel tells him to "not hurt one hair on his head." That was just a test from God, and ol' Abe passed the test! So Abe sacrificed a ram in its place. -Genesis 22:9-14)

Abraham was a whiny, cowardly kike and God knew that. If he had allowed Abraham to kill his son every nickel chasing yid would have been demanding compensation and screaming anti-semitism. Allowing our kids to blow themselves up for Jesus is a far more dignifying act then allowing your ilk to bugger them on a daily basis. I'm all for it.

[Brother Temperance]

Originally Posted by SalvationSeeker

We have read it to the finish, fool.
And yes, it was a test.. but do you know WHAT was the test?
If Abraham loved God enough to sacrifice his children when God ordered.
If he wouldn't have been prepared to kill Issac, he would have FAILED.


But don't you deny that God accepts human sacrifice!

Of course he doesn't deny that God accepts human sacrifice. Why, the Popish dogs sacrificed at least 100 Jews to Mary in the Holocaust.

[Trent Harvey, Jr.]

Oh great, more pressure to have kids. First my Grandparents, then my parents, even that chaplain once he saw what my sister looked like as a kid...And now we need them for suicide bombing as well.

Looks like it's time to put something into the Meet Christian Singles forum. I'll do it later. Tomorrow. Later.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Here's a simple picture that shows us all why Christians should become suicide bombers.


This is Burj Dubai, a building under construction in Dubai, a moslem country. If it's completed (big IF, it's close to Babylon and we all know what God thought about the last tower that was built there) it will be the tallest building in the world:



I've been lobbying for our contribution to it's opening celebration: a few B-52 loads of napalm to turn it into a burnt-out shell, a reminder for decades to come of Americian tough justice. Talk about a housewarming gift!

But now I'm thinking, the punishment should fit the crime. There would be such poetic justice if Christians were to highjack 4 airliners and crash it into that over-rated house of cards.

Wish they'd hurry up and finish construction on the thing.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond

Here's a simple picture that shows us all why Christians should become suicide bombers.


This is Burj Dubai, a building under construction in Dubai, a moslem country. If it's completed (big IF, it's close to Babylon and we all know what God thought about the last tower that was built there) it will be the tallest building in the world:



I've been lobbying for our contribution to it's opening celebration: a few B-52 loads of napalm to turn it into a burnt-out shell, a reminder for decades to come of Americian tough justice. Talk about a housewarming gift!

But now I'm thinking, the punishment should fit the crime. There would be such poetic justice if Christians were to highjack 4 airliners and crash it into that over-rated house of cards.

Wish they'd hurry up and finish construction on the thing.

Why would you waste GODLY Americans? We just tell the diaperheads Pan Am bought Royal Saudi Airlines and the Dubai building is the new US World trade center.

I am already circulating stories that Mecca is going to be the new site of Christian televangelism after Halliburton constructs an arena where that rock used to be.

[Father Thomas Martin]

Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond

Here's a simple picture that shows us all why Christians should become suicide bombers.


This is Burj Dubai, a building under construction in Dubai, a moslem country. If it's completed (big IF, it's close to Babylon and we all know what God thought about the last tower that was built there) it will be the tallest building in the world:



I've been lobbying for our contribution to it's opening celebration: a few B-52 loads of napalm to turn it into a burnt-out shell, a reminder for decades to come of Americian tough justice. Talk about a housewarming gift!

But now I'm thinking, the punishment should fit the crime. There would be such poetic justice if Christians were to highjack 4 airliners and crash it into that over-rated house of cards.

Wish they'd hurry up and finish construction on the thing.

Tower of Babel, anyone?

And about that Mecca arena, I'd like to get ice hockey, basketball, and arena football in the building...

But seriously, I hate that "human sacrifice" idea! It's just wrong.

Last time it was done by the pagan Aztecs, and Cortez' army (a bunch of Catholics) cleaned their clocks in conquest!

I guess all heretics think alike...

[Five Year Old Girl]

Oooooh goodie, we kin play Gee-Had now.

I'ma tell liddow Billy, he's gotta wear some bomzes. Now we just gotta d'cide who ta' make all boomy fer Jeevus.

We could do the bomy thinbg ta' Missuz Burr-Guppy, the Preschoow teachar. I fink, she must be a bad athean lady on accounta she don't let us chew bubbow gum at recess. An' she says, it's awe bad fer your teeths an' stuff. An I was tryin' ta' say, like Jeevus woun't let peopow make stuf what's bad fer your teeths, but she juss' laughed an' tol' me I hadda spit it out. Then she made me sit in thuh corner. Only a bad Darniac would be agin' Jeevus like that.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

I'm watching the 1943 movie Bataan. There's a great scene where an American does a kamakazie attack: proving that Christians invented suicide bombing before either the Japanese or the muslims. The terrorists should pay us royalities every time they blow themselves up!

Battaan is now highly recommended Sunday school viewing, and I give it two thumbs up.

[Brother Temperance]

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin

I guess all heretics think alike...

Yes, you all worship Dagon!

[Al Shipton]

The good lord has assigned each of us with special gifts, for the muslim its is the ability to walk into a crowd of innocent people and set off a bomb that can level a block and for their mothers to celebrate in it , for the jew it is the ability to swindle people out of their life savings, for the black it is the ability to have sex with anyone at any time with no regard for consequences. Should the Geneva 6 for example be allowed to kick in someones head repeatedly without consequence? Or is this a priviledge that only minorities should be allowed. I say if you ar serious about this find a small arab child, take him into your home, raise him in the ways of God and set him off into the world to set off a bomb. Not only will he be far more able to do so than a christian child but it is also his right as a minority in society. Can I have an Amen.