[Miss Maisie]

Re: I need advice

Y'all should contact one of our Pastors, perhaps the Godly Pastor Pistle, to arrange a tithing plan. They were very helpful in showing those plans to my Daddy and even mailing a copy to my man in Iraq. Salvation ain't something to take lightly. Eternity is a long time!

[Andrew Barrick]

Re: I need advice

Will do. I'm monitoring suspicious Wiccan activity locally and I'll report back with my findings.

[Sister Noddy]

Re: I need advice

Will do. I'm monitoring suspicious Wiccan activity locally and I'll report back with my findings.

This is good news Andrew, we are waiting to hear. How are things going at that lieberal public school you attend? Have your friends dropped you like a hot potato? Are heathens and wiccans starting to look at you funny, and avoid you in the corridors and cafeteria? Do students and teachers now ignore you in the classrooms? If the answer is yes, then you know you are on the long road to salvation in Jesus! Praise!

[Andrew Barrick]

Re: I need advice

Dear Landover Baptist Church,

I have come to realize that I can not comply with all of the Terms of Service. Your guidance has been most helpful and I thank you for what you've done. However, I have found another, more righteous church locally, and they have advised me to move on. Thank you for your time and guidance. You have all been most helpful and I am entirely grateful.

YIC,

-Andrew

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I need advice

Dear Landover Baptist Church,

I have come to realize that I can not comply with all of the Terms of Service. Your guidance has been most helpful and I thank you for what you've done. However, I have found another, more righteous church locally, and they have advised me to move on. Thank you for your time and guidance. You have all been most helpful and I am entirely grateful.

YIC,

-Andrew

And may I inquire as to the name of this "more righteous church"?

Whoever they are, I can promise you that Landover Baptist is the ONLY Church that follows the Holy Bible literally, word-for-word. All the others will do nothing put grease you up and prepare you for satan's eternal raperooms.

[Andrew Barrick]

Re: I need advice

No you may not. I was told I would have to "sell your kidneys to pay for the lawsuit" if I mentioned their name off church property. Security reasons, you know.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I need advice

No you may not. I was told I would have to "sell your kidneys to pay for the lawsuit" if I mentioned their name off church property. Security reasons, you know.

That sounds like a brutal, unfeeling mob of bullies if you ask me. Landover Baptist spreads Christ's Love.

At any rate, the DOF is all over this.

[Andrew Barrick]

Re: I need advice

Well, if the DOF is "all over this", you should have their name and location in no time. Besides, I said I was appriciative of your guidance. No hard feelings?

P.S. Is calling people "niggardly penny-pinching joos" part of Christ's love?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I need advice

Well, if the DOF is "all over this", you should have their name and location in no time. Besides, I said I was appriciative of your guidance. No hard feelings?

P.S. Is calling people "niggardly penny-pinching joos" part of Christ's love?

Son, be honest now. Have you ever even heard of a joo who wasn't niggardly, and penny-pinching?

Jesus demands that we be honest and call a spade a spade. He doesn't want us to sugar coat the world. That would be mean and hateful, as the false Christians are.

[Dwayne DeKalb]

Re: I need advice

Don't take advice from these doorknobs.

[Andrew Barrick]

Re: I need advice

Pastor Zeke confronted me and now I'm back. There was no others. I'm truly sorry. I even became a real American by saying the following True prayer of salvation:

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank you for not killing me before I had a chance to accept you as my Personal Savior.

I believe that Liberals and Democrats are under the control of Satan and his sneering minions, the educated and the well-traveled.

I do not want to be tossed into the incandescent flames of the sadistic hell you created for those who did not vote for George W. Bush or waiver in their faith by questioning the honesty, competence or syntax of Jesus' anointed.

Please Lord Jesus, I want to become a True RepublicanTM and a Real AmericanTM. I accept you as my Lord and Savior.

I believe You died for my sins and rose on the third day and floated off to your invisible, exquisitely decorated mansion in the Holy Ghost's subdivision in the clouds while an audience of early Republican prophets looked on.

I believe that in voting Republican, I am doing the implacable will of God.

I long to join my brother in Christ, George W. Bush, and every single True ChristianTM who voted for Him.

I understand that all of America's problems began when we allowed ourselves to be seduced by the pinko, pacifistic false version of Jesus found in the New Testament, letting non-Protestant foreign trash into Your divine nation and squandering time we could have been at war trying to make peace with perfectly good enemies, before renewing our hearts and joyously embracing Republican Christianity's new improved, steroid-engorged version of Jesus Christ.

I want to help eliminate the deadly disease of liberalism and assist my President and Your appointed servant on Earth to help rebuild this country into the Glorious Christian Nation it once was on the rocky shores of Puritan New England in the late 1600's.

I gladly tithe my mind and no less than 10% of my paycheck, renouncing the demons of logic and education for they will no longer hold sway in my heart, as I now have both Mr. Bush and Mr. Jesus as my co-redeemers! Amen!

Don't take advice from these doorknobs.

Get out of here you hippie homer! You're probably so strung out on LSD that you can't form a coherent sentence, let alone know what you're typing!

Son, be honest now. Have you ever even heard of a joo who wasn't niggardly, and penny-pinching?

Hmmm...you're right. No surprise there though. Those terms of service are no problem now. Sorry all. I hope you can forgive me.

This is good news Andrew, we are waiting to hear. How are things going at that lieberal public school you attend? Have your friends dropped you like a hot potato? Are heathens and wiccans starting to look at you funny, and avoid you in the corridors and cafeteria? Do students and teachers now ignore you in the classrooms? If the answer is yes, then you know you are on the long road to salvation in Jesus! Praise!

Absolutely! Everything you mentioned! Isn't it wonderful! I'm so glad that I get to spread the good news that if they don't get saved, I won't have to see them ever again for, well, eternity. Praise!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: I need advice

JESUS triumphs once again, as though the eventual outcome were ever in doubt. PRAISE!

[Andrew Barrick]

Re: I need advice

Agreed Pastor. Who would ever consider questioning Jesus with such things as "logic" or "education"? Liberal homers, that's who.

[Sister Noddy]

Re: I need advice

Agreed Pastor. Who would ever consider questioning Jesus with such things as "logic" or "education"? Liberal homers, that's who.

This is absolutely true, Andrew! Praise!

For when we fall into error in turning to human logic or education, or worldly knowledge, this is what GOD has to say ...

Isaiah 29:14 Therefore, behold, I will proceed to do a marvellous work among this people, even a marvellous work and a wonder: for the wisdom of their wise men shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent men shall be hid.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: I need advice

Agreed Pastor. Who would ever consider questioning Jesus with such things as "logic" or "education"? Liberal homers, that's who.

Amen, Brother Andrew. I personally think that all our problems in this country started when the liberals introduced sex "education" into the schools. Predictably, the result was to spread homerism, AIDS, abortion and stem cell research throughout the nation.

I, myself, barely escaped. I too was "educated." I studied science, evolution, and was taught about birth control in "Health" class. Fortunately, the electroshock therapy I received at the Happydale Asylum for the Severely Disturbed erased all that evil from my mind, along with most of my memory.

However, not everyone is so lucky as me. For most children, daily exposure to liberal teachers continues to pour evil into their impressionable young minds. Therefore, we must fight back. President Bush has helped enormously with his "No Child Left Behind" strategy, a ingenious plan that is slowly destroying the communist public school system. But at the individual level, the only way to combat the liberal plot of "education" is through book burning, home schooling, and (most importantly) accepting Jesus.

YIC,
Buford

the LORD said unto me, Gather me the people together, and I will make them hear my words, that they may learn to fear me all the days that they shall live upon the earth, and that they may teach their children.
- Deuteronomy, 4:10