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WEDDING BELLS! - Christian Wedding Forum A seasonal forum hosted by cyber Bridesmaids, Daisy Mae Johnson, Sister Mary Etheldreda and Sister Talitha . Groomly advice is also offered from Best Man, Pastor Zeke!

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Joanna Lytton-Vasey's Avatar
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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 08-29-2016, 09:08 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by handmaiden View Post
Thank you, dear Sister, for your assurances and supportive prayers.
You are most welcome. We ladies must support each other in our trials.

Quote:
Originally Posted by handmaiden View Post
I was having another thought, though, and if you can aid in relieving this one as well, I would be most appreciative. Does your hyphenated name mean that your husband made concessions regarding your father's surname remaining a part of yours?
Oh my goodness no, Sister! My father's surname is Allchurch. I remember being asked the very same question (by some absolutely frightful man) when I first joined these Godly forums. I refer you to my answer then.

Quote:
Originally Posted by handmaiden View Post
And why are there two "T's" in Lytton but only one "S" in Vasey?
I suppose for the same reason that there is one J and two Ns in Joanna? Spelling is so difficult, isn't it?

With Sisterly love,
Joanna


Ecclesiastes 12:13

Let vs heare the conclusion of the whole matter: Feare God, and keepe his commandements, for this is the whole duetie of man.
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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-07-2016, 02:42 AM

Sister Handmaiden,

Can you tell me more about your qualifications for being a wife and mother? I would appreciate being informed of your cooking skills, ability to remain silent, keep a clean, sanitary home, and the like.

I also am interested in the reasons why you have waited so long to marry. As a True Christian™ man, I have every right to wait until the correct person comes along - but why a woman would select spinsterhoodity over spitting out Christ's Army -- well, I just can't imagine.

Nonetheless, I have interest in these answers. Could you also provide a suitable photograph? How wide are your hips?

May GOD richly bless you, Sister. Here are some of my qualifications for husbandry:

True Christian™
Certified Equine Gnathologist (a noble profession)
Future resident of Freehold, Iowa
Heir to Pureheart BMW, Cadillac, Lexus
Heir to Pureheart Chevrolet
Heir to Pureheart Auto Service of East Brunswick, NJ
A trust fund of over $2,000,000 has been recently released to me
Hard worker, diligent provider, and kind yet firm disciplinarian
Dedicated Republican, White Male, Baptist Patriot
Single, and untouched. I have known no woman Biblically.
Prayer Warrior (I am in the closet much of the time)
Graduate of the Ex-Catholic program offered through LBC
Endowed by my Creator in more ways than one
Supporter of Donald J. Trump
Athletic supporter
Fit body and sound mind


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-07-2016, 03:51 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry View Post
Sister Handmaiden,
Can you tell me more about your qualifications for being a wife and mother? I would appreciate being informed of your cooking skills, ability to remain silent, keep a clean, sanitary home, and the like.

I am an excellent cook, if a bit out of practice. I grew up in a household with many brothers and I don't know how to cook for fewer than a dozen people.

Quote:
I also am interested in the reasons why you have waited so long to marry. As a True Christian™ man, I have every right to wait until the correct person comes along - but why a woman would select spinsterhoodity over spitting out Christ's Army -- well, I just can't imagine.

I was married once, but the Lord had other plans. I would have welcomed children, but my husband was routinely occupied by other concerns. Thus, many of my, ahem, parts, are very low mileage.


Quote:
Nonetheless, I have interest in these answers. Could you also provide a suitable photograph? How wide are your hips?

My hips are wide enough to guarantee safe passage for a good-sized male offspring, but not so wide that I wouldn't suffer in childbirth as God commands.


Genesis 3:16
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.



I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing a photograph, because I wouldn't want to be looked over by anyone other than my husband, but unfortunately, most men seem to want to look over a woman before taking her to wife. Thus,an impasse.


Quote:
May GOD richly bless you, Sister. Here are some of my qualifications for husbandry:

True Christian™
Certified Equine Gnathologist (a noble profession)
Future resident of Freehold, Iowa
Heir to Pureheart BMW, Cadillac, Lexus
Heir to Pureheart Chevrolet
Heir to Pureheart Auto Service of East Brunswick, NJ
A trust fund of over $2,000,000 has been recently released to me
Hard worker, diligent provider, and kind yet firm disciplinarian
Dedicated Republican, White Male, Baptist Patriot
Single, and untouched. I have known no woman Biblically.
Prayer Warrior (I am in the closet much of the time)
Graduate of the Ex-Catholic program offered through LBC
Endowed by my Creator in more ways than one
Supporter of Donald J. Trump
Athletic supporter
Fit body and sound mind

You seem to have a great many fine qualities, good sir, but I am but a humble handmaid with too much learning and a looming expiration date on my gametes.


You compliment me with your interest, and I shall keep you in my prayers. Perhaps when you find a suitable bride of youthful vigor and start a family, I can be of use carting around one of your children on my sizeable hips so that your lovely wife can attend to other household duties.


Blessingly Yours,


Handmaiden


P.S. I grew up in a loud, Italian household. Keeping silent would have alarmed my parents to no end.


His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-07-2016, 07:55 AM

Sister Handmaiden,

I am not disappointed, since it appears you are already married. Adultery is a disgusting practice and one that I would never partake in. Your looks, however, were not that terribly important; I merely wanted confirmation of wide childbearing hips and at least tolerable appearance. Much of your time would be spent in service to the home and to me, and that doesn't require a fair face. When I was a boy, I thought it did - but the gentlemen of this church have mentored me well. I wouldn't even have to love you. Isn't that awesome?

But, since we're not destined for matrimony, apparently, I wish you well and I will go back to my horse teeth, which I DO love with a great love, yea - even a love that is difficult for me to describe.

COME, LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-07-2016, 03:33 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry View Post
Sister Handmaiden,

I am not disappointed, since it appears you are already married. Adultery is a disgusting practice and one that I would never partake in. Your looks, however, were not that terribly important; I merely wanted confirmation of wide childbearing hips and at least tolerable appearance. Much of your time would be spent in service to the home and to me, and that doesn't require a fair face. When I was a boy, I thought it did - but the gentlemen of this church have mentored me well. I wouldn't even have to love you. Isn't that awesome?

But, since we're not destined for matrimony, apparently, I wish you well and I will go back to my horse teeth, which I DO love with a great love, yea - even a love that is difficult for me to describe.

COME, LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry

Awww. And I've been told that I have horse-like teeth.


Overbitingly Yours,


Handmaiden


P.S. I am not married currently. My husband was one of those fuzzy-wuzzy Christians who didn't follow the Whole Bible.


His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-08-2016, 03:41 AM

Thank you, Sister, for clarifying your current maritalness. As a single woman, I imagine you have not had proper direction and discipline related to dental care. It is urgent that you learn to take care of that horsemouth, lest it decline into St Vitus' Disease.

As a certified equine gnathologist, I am aware of certain similarities between the human dental system and that of a horse. I am saddened that you have developed such a foul state of disrepair.

Perhaps the LORD has led us to be together so that I might give you the oral care you've been without. Our mouths are important, Sister. Consider the words of our LORD in Romans 10:10, for instance. Or Matthew 15:11, Ephesians 4:29, and numerous others.

I want you to be able to use your mouth in ways that you've never dreamed. I cannot practice human dentistry for that would be unethical and unlawful. I can, however, teach you to use that mouth for the LORD, and to care for it in Christian love. Please consider this offer, which just may have been brought about by the Holy Ghost, and let me know. In just seven days, I bet I can have you on your knees, using that mouth for the purposes the LORD GOD intended. (His praise, and confession of sin)

COME, LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-10-2016, 06:44 PM

Brothers and Sisters, I am in need of advice. Last night, I received news that I am now a widow and my husband left no will, meaning by the secular courts, I now own his property (though really, it is my sons'). My husband was murdered by Negros while at Black Lives Matter rally, preaching about God's message and God's ordination of black people to serve only. I praise Jesus because I know he is rejoicing in Heaven where he no longer has to deal with the heathen, sin-filled world anymore, so in that sense, I am happy for him. But I will miss his guidance and wise words and discipline.

Now, he was the head pastor, and I'm at my father's house with my father as the temporary trustee with my sons since I know a women cannot make decisions for herself or she would make a bad one. My father and the other pastors at our church have told me it is better for me to take a husband for women, especially young ones, are too foolish to be alone and my sons need a godly male role model. Do you have any suggestions on how to proceed?

Mournfully Yours in Christ,
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson


"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-10-2016, 06:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson View Post
Brothers and Sisters, I am in need of advice. Last night, I received news that I am now a widow and my husband left no will, meaning by the secular courts, I now own his property (though really, it is my sons'). My husband was murdered by Negros while at Black Lives Matter rally, preaching about God's message and God's ordination of black people to serve only.
Now, who is the oppressed minority in this country? We hear about every single black man shot by police, yet this news was ignored by all media completely.

Quote:
My father and the other pastors at our church have told me it is better for me to take a husband for women, especially young ones, are too foolish to be alone and my sons need a godly male role model. Do you have any suggestions on how to proceed?
I believe you just did proceed by announcing your availability on this Godly forum, dear.
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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-10-2016, 07:20 PM

Elizabeth, dear-- may I so address you? My heart goes out to you in your time of sorrow, but I have every faith that Jesus will provide for you.


Keep praying, and before you know it, you will have a new head to govern your sinful body.


I will rejoice over you on that day, because it will be a Glory to Jesus when you offer witness to prayers answered by Him. Any feelings of jealousy will be quashed within me (by virtue of constant prayer) and I will smile my brightest, horsey grin on your wedding day.


Just promise me that you won't wear one of those strapless wedding dresses that seem to be de rigueur these days.


What is wrong with young women nowadays? Would they normally wear a strapless dress in church? So why do they think it is appropriate when taking sacred vows to be pure and submissive?


Well, don't get me started on modern fashion, what matters is that you will honor Jesus by making some True Christian Man happy. Excuse me now, while I go choke back some tears.


Supportively Yours,


Handmaiden


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Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson is offline
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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-10-2016, 07:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by handmaiden View Post
Elizabeth, dear-- may I so address you? My heart goes out to you in your time of sorrow, but I have every faith that Jesus will provide for you.


Keep praying, and before you know it, you will have a new head to govern your sinful body.


I will rejoice over you on that day, because it will be a Glory to Jesus when you offer witness to prayers answered by Him. Any feelings of jealousy will be quashed within me (by virtue of constant prayer) and I will smile my brightest, horsey grin on your wedding day.


Just promise me that you won't wear one of those strapless wedding dresses that seem to be de rigueur these days.


What is wrong with young women nowadays? Would they normally wear a strapless dress in church? So why do they think it is appropriate when taking sacred vows to be pure and submissive?


Well, don't get me started on modern fashion, what matters is that you will honor Jesus by making some True Christian Man happy. Excuse me now, while I go choke back some tears.


Supportively Yours,


Handmaiden
Dear Handmaiden, thank you for your support, and I'm praying that the Lord will show you His plans soon, for you are such a darling woman. I'll pray for your husband so that he can man-up and be the husband a Christian woman like you deserves and needs. And, I wholeheartedly agree with you that fashion has gone bonkers and more sinful as women are to wear a modest gown when they marry and submit to their new heads. Lovingly in a sisterly fashion, Elizabeth


"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-10-2016, 07:55 PM

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Originally Posted by Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson View Post
Dear Handmaiden, thank you for your support, and I'm praying that the Lord will show you His plans soon, for you are such a darling woman. I'll pray for your husband so that he can man-up and be the husband a Christian woman like you deserves and needs.
Oh, my former husband remarried years ago. He chose another dyed-in-the-wool-then-washed-repeatedly-in-bleach "Christian" such as himself. She had a son and a former spouse of her own. Oddly, my ex chose to rename her then four-year-old with a feminine version of my own name. Then, having changed the child's last name to be the same as his, he had a little me he could pat on the head.


One assumes that the "little me" was willing to overlook his stepfather's completely inconsistent approach to God's Holy Word. But, then, he was only four at the time.


As a mature woman ten times that age, I cannot brook such lack of obedience and discernment regarding the Bible. For me, it's the Bible Way the whole way or the highway. If one does not follow its Every Word, why bother God with a halfhearted, self-deluded attempt to obey?


Either one is a dog that stays right on its master's heal, or one is no dog at all. Who needs a dog that follows for a few seconds before wandering off to sniff the bushes at the slightest provocation? Jesus has better things to do then yank on our leashes and keep whistling, "here, boy".


Don't make Jesus waste His time whistling. Obey the whole and you will be the best dog you can be.


Remember, ladies, obeying your husband is just like obeying Jesus. Your husband is just holding the leash for Him.


Analogolistically Yours,


Handmaiden


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Love Jesus Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-10-2016, 08:39 PM

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Originally Posted by Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson View Post
Brothers and Sisters, I am in need of advice. Last night, I received news that I am now a widow and my husband left no will, meaning by the secular courts, I now own his property (though really, it is my sons'). My husband was murdered by Negros while at Black Lives Matter rally, preaching about God's message and God's ordination of black people to serve only. I praise Jesus because I know he is rejoicing in Heaven where he no longer has to deal with the heathen, sin-filled world anymore, so in that sense, I am happy for him. But I will miss his guidance and wise words and discipline.

Now, he was the head pastor, and I'm at my father's house with my father as the temporary trustee with my sons since I know a women cannot make decisions for herself or she would make a bad one. My father and the other pastors at our church have told me it is better for me to take a husband for women, especially young ones, are too foolish to be alone and my sons need a godly male role model. Do you have any suggestions on how to proceed?

Mournfully Yours in Christ,
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson

Sister Johnson,
That's wonderful news!
Uh, I mean - how terrible. You must be devastated. I think you should, indeed, take a new husband. In fact, I am sure of it. I would love to advise you about this brave step.
I take it there has been no word about the murderers' description, right?
None at all?
No word?


Well, I am going to go pray for you and I want you to know that I will be here for you each step of the way for the rest of our lives together.





Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-10-2016, 08:49 PM

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Originally Posted by Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson View Post
Do you have any suggestions on how to proceed?
Paul has already addressed this dear. It would be better for you to remain unmarried and celibate so your every moment can be devoted to serving Jesus (1 Corinthians 7:8). Of course if you can't keep your panties on, then marriage is an acceptable alternative to being a skanky whore (1 Corinthians 7:9).


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-10-2016, 09:21 PM

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Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Paul has already addressed this dear. It would be better for you to remain unmarried and celibate so your every moment can be devoted to serving Jesus (1 Corinthians 7:8). Of course if you can't keep your panties on, then marriage is an acceptable alternative to being a skanky whore (1 Corinthians 7:9).
Brava on quoting our dear Brother Paul. His writings are the best, aren't they? Thank Jesus that Jesus called him to speak for God about how we should conduct ourselves as True Christian women. Those first century Christians had many challenges to face and Paul's instructions are timeless, because they were revealed to him by God Himself.


Regarding Sister Elizabeth's panties, since she is still a fertile field, it seems to me that her duty is to marry and produce more Soldiers for Christ. The sinners are out there popping out so many babies out of wedlock and True Taxpaying Americans are footing the bill for all that prenatal care as well as 18 years or more of Medicaid.


I used to work for a company helping people apply for medical assistance and almost none of the parents requesting such assistance were married, at any time, to any of their children's various parents.


One woman was in a gosh-darn hurry to get her teen-aged daughter's Medicaid renewed because, as she put it, "She needs her birth-control." How about self-control? The only good thing about paying for that young woman's birth control is that it's less expensive than paying for her prenatal care and then the resulting pediatrician visits.


But to get back to Sister Elizabeth. Naturally, you will want some prenatal care to keep your pregnancy from interfering with your other duties. As someone experienced in gestation, you know to pray first, then seek a Godly doctor's advice. What matters most, though, is that you don't indulge in any of those techniques that are supposed to make the pain more bearable.


Remember, your suffering in childbirth tells Jesus how sorry you are for being like Eve. It's also a good way to remind yourself not to enjoy sex. As long as things go smoothly enough for your husband to do his duty, there's just no need to get carried away.


I will pray for you to refrain from any unseemly expressions of enthusiasm whilst being serviced by your future husband. I imagine the whole thing will prove uncomfortable for him as well.


Primly Yours,


Handmaiden


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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-10-2016, 09:51 PM

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Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Paul has already addressed this dear. It would be better for you to remain unmarried and celibate so your every moment can be devoted to serving Jesus (1 Corinthians 7:8). Of course if you can't keep your panties on, then marriage is an acceptable alternative to being a skanky whore (1 Corinthians 7:9).

Sister Mary,
I want you to think of our dear LORD JESUS, how much he loves you, and how he suffered and died for YOU. Yes, you were on His mind on Calvary's tree. Now I want you to think back in time a little more, when He was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. Remember His loneliness and pain? How He felt so alone? So uncared for? He did that for YOU, Sister.


Would you want Sister Elizabeth to feel that way? Unloved, alone, lonely, craving to be a suitable helpmeet to a nice, kind, loving husband? Wanting to have more soldiers for Christ's Army? Of course not!


Don't you just LOVE Jesus, Sister Mary? Really - spend about five or ten minutes thinking of all He's done for YOU and how He watches over you every waking moment. You are more important to Him than the lilies of the field. And no, I'm not trying to get your mind of the situation at hand at least not much, but I know how sidetracked you get when you think of Jesus and His love and gift of Salvation®.


So, let's just let our dear, beautiful, kind, loving and recently available Sister Elizabeth cling to the hope that she won't live out her days as a widow because I don't intend to let that happen.


Wow, how JESUS loves you, Sister Mary! Now - go and think about that for a while and be sure to share how that makes you feel. Bathe in that honey from His Rock. Bask in the afterglow of your sweet hour of prayer.


GLORY!


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 09-10-2016, 10:07 PM

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Originally Posted by BrotherLarry View Post
. . . And no, I'm not trying to get your mind of the situation at hand
You made a grammatical error.


Something-I-Don't-Have-The-Time-For-This-Nonsensely Yours,


Handmaiden


P.S. Okay, maybe it was a typo. But a girl can have standards, all right?


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Jesus' eternal love Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 04-04-2018, 07:21 PM

Just before I shot it, a little bird told me this is the year that our own Pastor Zeke ties the knot with 'you know who'!
I can just picture him in an all white on white tux while God shines a spotlight (twice the normal glare) of sun rays on him as he enters the Church.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Jesus Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 04-05-2018, 03:13 PM

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Originally Posted by James Hutchins View Post
Just before I shot it, a little bird told me this is the year that our own Pastor Zeke ties the knot with 'you know who'!
I can just picture him in an all white on white tux while God shines a spotlight (twice the normal glare) of sun rays on him as he enters the Church.

Good thing you killed that bird, brother. Daisy's dreams of becoming a rich Flint helpmeet (or the star of The Real Housewives of Freehold) have about as much chance of coming to fruition as the prospect of Didymus becoming a believer in Jesus. (Although I do pray for Brother Didy every day).


I believe in prayer. It is powerful. GLORY!


But I won't pray for this wedding because the Bible urges us not to pray for silly things. But we also have to listen to the Word of God when it tells us to pray for everything and that it will happen. Unless we're sinning or harbor unforgiveness or ask outside His Will. Oh what a wondrous and mighty GOD we serve. Glory!


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Thumbs up Re: How to Land a Good Husband - 04-06-2018, 12:20 AM

I sadly already been married for nearly 20 years. But I swear, I try my best to be a goldy husband. But I wouldn't say that my wife was trying her best to be a godly wife. Really not. And she turns 50 this year.

And about Didy... I also pray for him. It's faith in Christ that saves... not our works, not Bible knowledge. he reads the Bible daily but he is still lost like the devil.

But well, he's definitely more godly than any Catholic or Mormon. Still, I wouldn't count Didy as an Atheist. If he was a true Atheist, he wouldn't care about God at all.

Every Christian should be praying for him!

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