[Faith_Machine]

I'm sure you're all aware that in my ongoing campaign to end sex trafficking, I routinely scan Craigslist's Casual Encounters section, spending at least an hour a day flagging and reporting any ads that I suspect might be offering sex in exchange for money.

Well friends, today I stumbled across something that just about made me lose my lunch. I'm sure all of you have at least one acquaintance or coworker who goes around wearing one of those hippie-dippy New Age healing crystals, and I'm sure you all know those things are steeped in witchcraft and nonsense.

What you didn't know, however, and what I've just learned, is that anybody wearing a New Age crystal is proudly signaling to those who are "in the know" that they are avid masturbators and sodomists:




So we've got whoring and wizardry, all in one tight little hairy package! Naturally, I have e-mailed this fellow to remind him what Leviticus has to say about whoring after wizards:

Leviticus 20:6

6 And the soul that turneth after such as have familiar spirits, and after wizards, to go a whoring after them, I will even set my face against that soul, and will cut him off from among his people.

He's not responded, though, and the thought of him eagerly stroking himself, watching his little voodoo crystal glow brighter and brighter as he quickens his pace, is something that sickens me.

I may just have to write again, from a different e-mail address, and send him a picture of myself wearing a crystal. I feel if I could trick him into meeting me face-to-face, I might have a better chance of turning his face to the light and winning his soul for Jesus.

I don't own any crystals, though, and I'd hate to have to spend my money on that kind of trash. Is there anybody here who could Photoshop a pearl necklace crystal pendant onto my chest if I were to e-mail you a picture of myself with no shirt on?

(True Christan™ men only; I'm not sending you my shirtless pic if you're a little light in the loafers and might be driven to distraction by my impressive physique.)

[Pim Pendergast]

It really is a wonderful feeling when Jesus comes inside you. Those of us who have experienced it want to share His love with as many others as we can. I admire your zeal, Brother, and would be only too happy to help. However, I have a better idea. To make the ruse more convincing, I would superimpose a glowing crystal round your neck. That ought to fool this homer and then you can share with him the mystery of the risen Lord so that he may be freed from his silly superstitions.

[Faith_Machine]

Oh, that is an excellent idea, Brother Pendergast!

[Matthew Hopkins]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

Oh, that is an excellent idea, Brother Pendergast!

Perhaps these could be used as a ruse for trapping the homer?

I don't know what it is about them, but glistening, white, crystal drops are a sure fire way to attract hungry queers.

YBIC

[Pim Pendergast]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

Oh, that is an excellent idea, Brother Pendergast!

It's a deal, then. PM me the pix. Just tell the homer you were jacking off when the photo was taken and that made the crystal glow.

[Faith_Machine]

OK, do you have any particular resolution or file format you prefer to work with? I'm going to take my shirt off now and practice making the kinds of faces homosexuals make when they're pleasuring themselves or being pleasured.

[Matthew Hopkins]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

OK, do you have any particular resolution or file format you prefer to work with? I'm going to take my shirt off now and practice making the kinds of faces homosexuals make when they're pleasuring themselves or being pleasured.

Beware, Brother Faith, lest in your theatrical simulation of homosexualist onanism, you fall prey to the arch tempter. Be strong in the Lord, brother, and remember, you are coming doing this for Jesus!

YBIC

[Pim Pendergast]

Res doesn't matter. Would prefer jpeg. My thoughts are with you right now.