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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 01-23-2010, 04:54 PM

That looks like an excellent vehicle for nice vacations.


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 01-24-2010, 11:29 AM

This sprinkler system is tougher than it seems. While one of my idiot sons was working on high pressure water pipes for the water distribution to my new sprinklers some of the water taps of Mrs. Johnson jumped of their pipes and flooded her house. Pure coincidence of course but as usual she blames me. She always does. Like she did last 4th of July when she claimed our white phosphorous fireworks (thanks again by the way Free Market Fred, that stuff is great) caused her barn to burn down. The constant whining of that woman seems to know no end.


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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You kids get off his lawn!
 

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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 01-27-2010, 01:32 AM

Ever since I accidentally killed Mister Johnson, Mrs. Johnson has been on my case. No matter how small the pet we kill is, she will be whining about it. And she has a LOT of pets. I suspect her to have lot's of pets just to make sure some get killed by me so she has something to whine about.

Like today. Installing the sprinklers is not going as well as I hoped. One of my idiot sons borrowed a large excavator to make room for the extra strong high pressure water pipes one of my other even more idiotic sons arranged for me. For some reason Mrs. Johnson released a huge bunch of puppies and most of them got crushed by the excavator. To top things off the mother dog damaged one of my expensive bear-traps. Very hard to get all the blood of those things. As usual Mrs. Johnson failed to take responsibility so we had to clean up the mess.

And of course the whining was worse than ever.


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 01-27-2010, 05:20 PM

Today it was my own turn to be stupid. While kicking one of Mrs. Johnson's dogs of my property I stepped into one of the bear-traps. This means I will have to miss Bible Study tonight, which is very annoying. The worst part is that it all was very funny to Mrs. Johnson. I didn't break anything by the way, only flesh wounds, but at the moment it hurts a LOT. For those not knowing me, I never take pills, I always believe we have to take our suffering the way our LORD wants us to. And I clearly deserved some suffering for not paying attention while kicking that dog.


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 01-31-2010, 04:39 PM

The high-pressure sprinkler system is finally completed. Tuning it did cost one of my grandsons an eye, but he wasn't using it to pay attention anyway. It works flawlessly now. Once some kid gets on my lawn, he is now automatically hit with a high pressure water beam. It's powerful enough to actually hurt the brat.

I also solved the bear-trap problem. Free Market Fred provided me with some advanced detectors which means I can now step on them without any risk while Mrs. Johnson's dogs are still crushed by them. She seems to finally be running out of dogs by the way. I am seeing less and less of those annoying animals.

The pain in my leg is getting under control too now. I still have to limp, but I can do almost everything again now. Which is nice since it will allow me to visit Hatchet's birthday party today. Which reminds me I still have to kill something to use as birthday present. Some pheasant would be nice I think.

God has been very good to me today.


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-06-2010, 12:49 AM

My leg is very well now. Which is good since I spend a lot of time on Project Habakkuk lately. Hard work but for a good cause.

For some reason Mrs. Johnson screamed some accusations of me stealing her stuff. Complete lies, that stuff belongs to Mister Johnson and I am very sure he would not mind me selling it to get money for good causes. Fortunately the motion detector detected her and a nice water blast scared her away. Which reminds me I have to get sound detectors installed on those sprinklers. I am sure Free Market Fred will have some solution for that.


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-06-2010, 07:54 PM

Dear Cranky Old Man;
Sister Verna wants to thank you for this thread (she ain't permitted to go on the internets by herself since she was cruising sites for something called Big Richards, or maybe it was Big Dicks ...well it was something she didn't ask prior husbandly permission for).

Anyways, we got one of them bird squirting motion activeter things to keep the messican kids off our lawn. Sister Verna grew up in a auto salvage yard, so she is pretty mechanic handy. She simply put a waterbed ejector (the ones you hook to a garden hose to suck out the water from the bed) and dipped it into the septic tank inspection hole. Then she hooked it up to the motion sprayer thing.

Now the little Pedro's gets Baptized from our sewage when they enter our yardly perimeter. We also have the benefit of real green grass AND we don't have to have the septic tank pumped out as often.

We doused the mailman once, so we put a timer on the hose. If mailman gets squirted agin', it is his own fault for being late.

Rev Jeffrey Lebowski
Sister Verna Too {she is proud she done "gone green" and recycled our urine on mud persons kids}

PS>>> if you put some ground up Percocets into your coffee ,then it means you ain't taking pills and it is therefor OK.
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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-06-2010, 10:11 PM

Hello Brother Jeffrey, nice of you to visit.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev Jeffrey Lebowski View Post
We doused the mailman once, so we put a timer on the hose. If mailman gets squirted agin', it is his own fault for being late.
I had a similar problem with mailmen here as well. Free Market Fred got me some detection system that recognizes uniforms now. Something they use in Pakistan I think. So now it doesn't shoot at mailmen any more. Which is important because my wife never leaves the house (I don't like her to leave the house) so everything we buy we buy online. I have a great wife, we love each other almost as much as we love Jesus.

Deuteronomy 6:5 "And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might."


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
Reply With Quote
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You kids get off his lawn!
 

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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-07-2010, 12:25 AM

My neighbor Mrs. Johnson is really crazy. She just came running to my property all screaming and angry. All this just because I put a "for sale" sign on her lawn. I wanted to donate the money to the Church, so I don't get what she is so angry about. I am sure Mister Johnson would have approved. Fortunately the sprinkler system got her down before she came to close to my house.

She will clearly go to hell for not loving her neighbor: Mark 12:31 "And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these." I am certain Mister Johnson is in Heaven and I am certain he will have fun watching her burn in hell for all eternity. As will I.


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-10-2010, 01:42 AM

I got a bit tired of Mrs. Johnson removing the "for sale" sign from her lawn every time I put up a new one, so I decided to sell her car instead. I needed $50.000 for a bet donation to the Church so I am sure Mister Johnson would have approved.

After I sold her car, as usual, she ran onto my property screaming and yelling and those new sound detectors Free Market Fred got me turned out to work very well. The sprinklers now targeted her much faster than before, blasting her before she could even enter my property. I really love this advanced technology.

I must admit events like these make me miss Mister Johnson. He was a great guy and I am very sure he is in Heaven. I still regret the day I killed him, even though that was clearly an accident. I just got my Smith and Wesson 500 and I didn't know yet how powerful it actually was. I was just firing a warning shot at our mailman because he was 5 minutes late. The bullet went through my door, grazed the mailmen as I intended it to, went through a car, hurt the driver, went through my neighbors wall, killed my neighbor, went through another wall and then hurt a few cows. I clearly needed to get used to the power of that gun and unfortunately that lesson did cost my dear neighbor his life. It also caused me some slight legal problems but the Churches lawyers where able to fix all that. I am also fairly certain Mister Johnson does not really mind though. He must be in Heaven for sure and he is now saved from that nagging bitch Mrs. Johnson. She will go to hell for sure and I am certain Mister Johnson will have eternal fun watching her burn.

Mark 16:19 "So then after the Lord had spoken unto them, he was received up into heaven, and sat on the right hand of God."


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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-10-2010, 02:56 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
I got a bit tired of Mrs. Johnson removing the "for sale" sign from her lawn every time I put up a new one, so I decided to sell her car instead. I needed $50.000 for a bet donation to the Church so I am sure Mister Johnson would have approved.

After I sold her car, as usual, she ran onto my property screaming and yelling and those new sound detectors Free Market Fred got me turned out to work very well. The sprinklers now targeted her much faster than before, blasting her before she could even enter my property. I really love this advanced technology.

I must admit events like these make me miss Mister Johnson. He was a great guy and I am very sure he is in Heaven. I still regret the day I killed him, even though that was clearly an accident. I just got my Smith and Wesson 500 and I didn't know yet how powerful it actually was. I was just firing a warning shot at our mailman because he was 5 minutes late. The bullet went through my door, grazed the mailmen as I intended it to, went through a car, hurt the driver, went through my neighbors wall, killed my neighbor, went through another wall and then hurt a few cows. I clearly needed to get used to the power of that gun and unfortunately that lesson did cost my dear neighbor his life. It also caused me some slight legal problems but the Churches lawyers where able to fix all that. I am also fairly certain Mister Johnson does not really mind though. He must be in Heaven for sure and he is now saved from that nagging bitch Mrs. Johnson. She will go to hell for sure and I am certain Mister Johnson will have eternal fun watching her burn.

Mark 16:19 "So then after the Lord had spoken unto them, he was received up into heaven, and sat on the right hand of God."
Hi Brother Cranky,

I'm glad you enjoyed using the targeted lawn sprinklers. We're working on a newer model that can use a motion detector to fire teargas shells or (optionally) rock salt. Sadly, the federal guvmint still won't let us arm these with 12-gauge shotgun shells, but our lobbyists are working on getting these repressive laws changed. Your second amendment rights are very important to us.

The Smith and Wesson 500 - good choice for a hand carry weapon - can blow someone's head clean off. I realize that this baby (see below) is a little too bulky for a concealed weapon, but you might want to carry one in your pickup truck or SUV:


An armed society is a polite society.

Next time you have a road rage incident with one of them faggoty Toyota Prius cars, one shot is all you'll need. Do pay attention to whatever is behind the car you're targeting, lest you accidentally take out another car, a house or an elementary school.

Note that these are also good for deer hunting. Or whale hunting.


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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-10-2010, 08:09 AM

That does look like a nice gun to have with me in my Hummer. I'll take two. I don't really fish, since fishing is for fags, but killing a whale sounds very interesting. Sharks could be fun too now that I think of it. I wonder if they have trips for that.

Proverbs 12:27 "The slothful man roasteth not that which he took in hunting: but the substance of a diligent man is precious."


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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-10-2010, 12:39 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
That does look like a nice gun to have with me in my Hummer. I'll take two. I don't really fish, since fishing is for fags, but killing a whale sounds very interesting. Sharks could be fun too now that I think of it. I wonder if they have trips for that.
Normal fishing is kind of a homo thing, but it's a lot more manly (and profitable) if you do it with poisons like cyanide, electric shock or dynamite.



But it's different with whales. Hey, I enjoy going on whale-hunting expeditions myself. That's not to be confused with "whale-watching," which is a faggot pastime just like "bird-watching." Can't imagine why those homos would want to watch a bird if they're not gonna skin it and cook it - sounds like an unnatural attraction if you ask me.

Anyway, back to whaling - you gotta go with the Japs. They kill hundreds of whales every year for "research" (they research how it tastes). They also research the price - man, you wouldn't believe how much whale meat costs! I'd love to get into that business, but the Yakuza has got it all sewed up. Fortunately, I do have some profitable investments in other endangered species harvesting, like making fur coats from baby harp seals and snow leopards.

In case you get to go whaling, you'll be glad to know that these days they use big-ass harpoon guns. So you can sit back on the deck and enjoy a bottle of scotch, then fire one off when you see a whale. It's cool the way those things squirt blood:



Technology has sure come a long way since the days of Captain Ahab:



Speaking of Ahab, I understand that he never got to kill that white whale. Boy, I'd love to be the one who bags it. No doubt it's the last one in the world - must feel great to be the man who finally wipes out an endangered species.


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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-12-2010, 02:36 PM

Cranky, this fellow in Russia takes it to a whole new level!

Russia farmer convicted of planting landmines in field



A Russian farmer has been convicted of planting landmines around his field to ward off trespassers.
Alexander Skopintsev, from the eastern region of Primorye near China's border, laid the three devices on his land after building them in his garage.
The 73-year-old had apparently been concerned about the frequent theft of potatoes from his farm.
He was arrested after an intruder set off one of the tripwire-style mines in August and was injured in the blast.
Skopintsev was convicted for the unlawful construction and storage of weapons and received a two-and-a-half year suspended sentence.
"Skopintsev testified that he had prepared the explosive devices to protect his garden against thieves," regional prosecutors said in a statement reported by RIA-Novosti news agency.



A few well placed land mines should do the trick.
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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-13-2010, 12:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt View Post
Russia farmer convicted of planting landmines in field

A Russian farmer has been convicted of planting landmines around his field to ward off trespassers.
That's really upsetting, Brother James. The farmer was just exercising his second amendment rights, and now he's in prison. Well, that's what you'd expect in a communist country like Russia. Unfortunately, now that the USA has a Marxist president, I fear we may be heading down that path to a totalitarian society.

Oh, how I long for the days of President Bush! Back then, everyone was allowed to possess guns, grenades and landmines. That's why we had no terrorism back then. As soon as Obama got "elected" (by ACORN!), we've been besieged by homo underwear bombers.


Underwear bomber


yours in Christ,
Brother Buford



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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-13-2010, 12:49 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt View Post
Cranky, this fellow in Russia takes it to a whole new level! Russia farmer convicted of planting landmines in field
Alexander Skopintsev
This makes me sad. I know that fellow. I played correspondence chess with him many years ago. For someone who will go to hell, he is a reasonably bearable guy. I never had any theft myself. Maybe my shoot first ask questions later approach has something to do with that. Anyway, I have to figure out where they are keeping Alexander so I can send him a letter to let him know we are thinking about him. It must really suck to live in Russia.


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To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-13-2010, 01:57 AM

Have you considered lasers?



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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-27-2010, 04:39 PM

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Originally Posted by Nobar King View Post
Have you considered lasers?
Yes but I prefer water.

I almost lost my sprinkler system because some weird Kong Negro tried to visit me. He was of course blasted away but somehow the idiot could not handle a few drops of water and tried to force me to remove the sprinklers. Fortunately Landover's lawyers fixed this for me. Next time I will use the M203 Assault Rifles I bought from Brother Halleluyah Rob in a yard sale to handle this. I sold some of Mrs. Johnson's annoying cows to pay for them. I am sure Mr. Johnson would have agreed with me on this.

By the way Mrs. Johnson is very angry at me, just because I cut some of her redwoods for my fireplace. That wood is much tougher than one would expect, but it burns excellently. It seems that woman's main purpose in life is to whine.

A few days ago Free Market Fred took me on a short dynamite whale fishing trip. It was awesome! It seems fishing can be a man's sport after all!


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Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-27-2010, 11:16 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
Yes but I prefer water.

I almost lost my sprinkler system because some weird Kong Negro tried to visit me. He was of course blasted away but somehow the idiot could not handle a few drops of water and tried to force me to remove the sprinklers. Fortunately Landover's lawyers fixed this for me. Next time I will use the M203 Assault Rifles I bought from Brother Halleluyah Rob in a yard sale to handle this.
I commend you on your upgrade from non-lethal to lethal methods of crowd control. However, if a couple of little Christian kids cross your property line and you're feeling sort of tender-hearted and don't want to shoot them, consider another one of my company's fine products, the Freedom Water Cannon:


The "Welcome Wagon" at a recent G8 meeting

It's perfectly humane, and has withstood the test of time. During those G8 meetings they're always having in Euroweenieland, the Freedom Water Cannon is the preferred method of crowd control when the TV camera crews are around:


Did anyone bring the shampoo?

When the camera crews are gone, that's when the peace officers roll out the nightsticks, rubber bullets, and tasers (set to maximum voltage), as the Lord intended.


Peace Officers exercising their right to "free expression"

Personally, I think it's a little wimpy to use rubber bullets, but them liberals kick up a big fuss whenever we use hollow points.


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Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system - 02-27-2010, 11:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne View Post
High pressure water works wonders repelling undesirables. I remember being a lad of 15 and visiting my uncle down in Mississippi, and there was all these unruly negroes in the streets. Well, the cops and firemen wouldn't have any of that and washed them away with firehoses. They scattered like roaches.

My cousin was a firefighter at the time and he let me help him hold the hose. We got some old negress straight in the head and the pressure of it knocked her to the floor. I don't think she got up after that. Ah, fun memories!
Probably the first wash they'd had in weeks. I hope they were grateful.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
What you need is one of these babies. Brother BJ and his boys in security have a couple and they just rave about them.

Have you ever had the privilege of getting to see them go out on a mass street baptism with one of those? Really fills your heart with joy for Jesus, that does.


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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