This is
SOUNDBITE NEWS, vital information for important people who think that Twitter is too long-winded:
Mac Miller
Ariana Grande Tweets 'Miss U' on Mac Miller's 27th BirthdayAriana after people bomb her concert, murdering her tween fans: "Don't look back in anger". Ariana after reading mean tweets: "S*** just got real".
About this Mac Miller guy:
"Miller struggled with substance abuse"...Right, "struggled with". Like he dropped his pills and they rolled under the furniture?
And why is she tweeting at a dead guy? Do they even HAVE Twitter in hell? Actually if so that would explain most of twitter's content.
Winter storm warning
Winter Storm Warning: Limited snow, significant ice, extreme cold
New Jersey God's wraith for Atlantic City making Brother Trump's casinos go bankrupt.
Trump announcement
Donald Trump prepares to offer migrant protections in exchange for border wall
At the rate this is going, I'm starting to think it will be faster to simply relocate the grand canyon to the border.
BuzzFeed
BuzzFeed's stumble fuels doubts about the press, even if a few details are missing"Stumble" is liberalmedias for "lied so bad even the rest of the liberalmedia thought it was too much".
Warriors
DeMarcus Cousins' Warriors debut: The best moments of Boogie's first game ...Let's see, there's the part where he chased after a ball like a dog, and then there's the part where he chased after a ball like a dog, and let's not forget the part where he chased after a ball like a dog...
Tammy Faye Bakker
The trials and resilience of Tammy Faye Bakker, one of America's most famous ...Uh-oh, what did she do now? "Trials and resilience" is liberalmedia-speak for women getting what they deserve.
Jason Van Dyke
Jason Van Dyke sentenced to 6 years, 9 months for Laquan McDonald murder
Bill O'Rielly warned America that dykes were getting into crime, but did America listen?
Fyre Festival
'Fyre' and 'Fyre Fraud' Are Two Excellent Documentaries About a Disastrous ..."Excellent documentaries?" Oxymormon.
Graves' disease
Wendy Williams to take extended break from talk show for Graves' disease treatmentGraves' disease? Is that a euphemism for being dead?
Lunar eclipse
Total lunar eclipse and rare super blood wolf moon this weekendBlood wolf moon? What witchcraft is this?
Joseph Baena
Arnold 'The Boss' Schwarzenegger Gives Son Joseph Baena Tips as He Lifts ...
Bruce Springsteen is the boss, leave it to the liberalmedia to be so bad at understanding business that they think there can be two bosses.
Also, isn't Joseph Baena the anchor baby of the governator's maid? Shouldn't he be lifting weights in jail?
Punisher Season 2
Netflix's 'The Punisher' season two is a bloody reminder that in Frank Castle ...Is it a show about disciplining children? Not sure I'd want to learn punishments that leave blood all over the place, but I'll take a look.
DeMarcus Cousins
If DeMarcus Cousins' Warriors debut is any indication, the rest of the NBA is ...
...A bunch of criminals?
Ocean Ramsey
A diver's extremely close visit with a giant great white shark went viral ...
Jonah was doing this before it was cool. OLD NEWS!
Weather Channel forecast
Why The Weather Channel keeps making these terrifying mixed reality warnings"Mixed reality"? Is that the new "alternative facts", or "other ways of knowing?"
Rams vs Saints
Rams vs. Saints: 6 impact players who will change the gameChange the game? You mean it won't just be a bunch of steroid-addled rapists chasing after a ball like dogs?
Even the team names make no sense: Rams don't oppose Saints, animals do the will of saints. Just ask the 42 children who got ripped to pieces by bears after they mocked a saint: 2 Kings 2:23–24
Women's March 2019
Women's March 2019What a womanly entry - it repeats the obvious with nothing new to say. If they march to the kitchen and make me a sandwich, this would be newsworthy.
Patriots vs Chiefs
Patriots Vs. Chiefs Preview: What To Watch For In AFC Championship GameWhat to watch for? I don't know, the commercials? BORING.
TSLA
Spotlight burns bright on Tesla's $920M wildcardDon't like wildcards. I like Trumpcards.
Io Netflix
Netflix's New Apocalyptic Thriller 'IO' Has Lofty Ambitions but Never Takes FlightThe Book of Revelation has already been written, and it doesn't have grainy video, useless descriptions, and a five-star rating system that is obviously broken.
School closings
School closings and delays in Monmouth, Ocean CountyChildren will now have to wait a long time before betting shot.
March for Life 2019
March for Life 2019: Vice President Pence makes surprise visit at DC rallyThe real surprise visit is the one journalist who actually decided to cover this event for once.
Montgomery County Public schools
MCPS Teacher Dies in ClassroomThat'll teach 'em.
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