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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 01-16-2015, 12:29 AM

A guys dies and goes to heaven. Let’s call him Fred. Peter meets Fred at the Pearly Gates for a tour of the digs.

Right off the bat, they come to a mansion with clocks on the wall. Some of them don’t seem to be moving at all, while others are spinning at a pretty good clip. Obviously, these are not ordinary clocks.

Fred asks Peter about the wall of clocks.

“Oh, those are our lie clocks,” explains Peter. “Whenever someone on earth tells a lie, their clock moves one degree.”

Peter points out Mother Teresa’s clock.

“Her clock never moved during most of her life on earth,” said Peter. “And there’s Billy Graham’s clock. It hardly ever moves a tick.”

Fred spotted one clock whose hands never stopped moving.

“Oh, said Peter, “that’s Bill Clinton’s clock.”

That gave Fred an idea.

“Where’s Obama’s clock?” he asked.

Peter said, “That’s in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 01-16-2015, 04:59 AM

Mother Teresa was a Cathylick. She probably stuck a crucifix into the hands to jam her clock.

As it is a joke, I won't take it seriously.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 01-16-2015, 09:34 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim C. Lombardo View Post
Mother Teresa was a Cathylick. She probably stuck a crucifix into the hands to jam her clock.

As it is a joke, I won't take it seriously.
Good point, Brother Jim. Those 2 lines should read

"Peter points out Pastor Ezekiel Flint's clock.

“His clock has never moved since the day he was born,” said Peter. “And there’s Billy Graham’s clock. It hardly ever moves a tick.”"


Then, of course we have the whole problem of Peter.


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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 01-19-2015, 03:55 PM

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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 02-21-2015, 04:48 PM

I heard this one on the bus while heading to Bible study, but unfortunately I had to exit the bus before the punch line. You will have to figure it out for yourselves, but I'm thinking it had something to do with Jesus or possibly Moses. Here's how it went; What is the difference between a Barnum & Bailey circus and a Miss America beauty contest? The circus has a "cunning display of stunts", and that's all I was able to hear.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 03-02-2015, 02:08 AM

Q: How can you tell if a lesbean is bulldyke?

A: She rolls her own tampons and kick-starts her vibrator.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 03-02-2015, 07:48 AM

Q. What do you call a homer in a wheelchair?

A. Rolaids.


Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 03-02-2015, 09:38 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Farmer View Post
Good point, Brother Jim. Those 2 lines should read

"Peter points out Pastor Ezekiel Flint's clock.

“His clock has never moved since the day he was born,” said Peter. “And there’s Billy Graham’s clock. It hardly ever moves a tick.”"


Then, of course we have the whole problem of Peter.
I can testify that this is true about Pastor Zeke's clock. I was in his office once, and I remarked that I bet he has a really big clock, and he whipped it out. I asked it I could touch it and he let me. I had to hold it in both hands, due its massive weight and girth. And it's true, what they say. It hardly moved, just twitched a bit.

In fact, I have pictures of Pastor Ezekiel's beautiful, well-formed clock, a true treat if you want to see it.


"Come Unto Me. Put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath." (Matthew 19:14, Job 1:11).
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 03-02-2015, 10:19 AM

Thank you Brother Alex. Please PM it to me. I can't wait to lay my eyes on it. I've often lain awake at night thinking about it - just how big it might be.


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Devil Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 04-05-2015, 05:27 PM

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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 04-07-2015, 12:20 AM

Rather than pretending they're Christians, papists should start worshipping these 'souls' that miraculously appear in Italian food. Especially because stingrays can have virgin births.


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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 04-08-2015, 02:14 AM

A black muslim who's on Obamacare goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and then says:

"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

The black muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "You were homesick."


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 04-18-2015, 04:17 AM

Q: Which planet in the solar system is kosher?
A: Jew-piter.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 04-19-2015, 09:38 PM

What's better than winning gold at the special olympics? Not being retarded.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 04-21-2015, 09:09 PM

Counting Nuts

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence . One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree , out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me . . . . ."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.




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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 04-27-2015, 04:12 AM

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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 06-19-2015, 04:39 PM

What do you call someone who dedicates his life to saving homosexuals from the ravages of AIDS and the torment of unquenchable, everlasting Hellfire, so they can instead spend eternity in the loving arms of Christ?

A homophobic bigot.


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Love Jesus Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 07-08-2015, 04:17 AM

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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 07-08-2015, 01:31 PM

A priest and a rabbi see a young boy.

The priest says, "Man, I would love to screw that boy."

The rabbi says, "I already screwed him out of $5 yesterday."
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 09-14-2015, 02:03 AM

Someone sent this to me the other day, and it gave me a chuckle.



Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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