[Titus Templeton]

Foreigners Around the World
A Brief Survey of the Various Foreigners,
Their Chief Characteristics,
Customs, and Manners
by T. Templeton

CANADIANS
Racial Characteristics:
Hard to tell a Canadian from an extremely boring regular
white person unless he's dressed to go outdoors. Very
little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely
visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport
fishermen. It is thought to resemble a sort of arctic Nebraska.
It's reported that Canadians keep pet French people.
If true, this is their only interesting trait. At any rate, they
are apparently able to train Frenchmen to play hockey,
which is more than any European has ever been able to do.

Good Points:
Still have plenty of Indians to abuse.

Proper Forms of Address:
Bud, mac, mister, hey you.

Some Examples of Canadian Repartee:
Two Canadians are talking in a bar.
One Canadian says, "Who was that lady I saw you with last night?"
"That was my wife." replies the other.

A lady is shopping in a Toronto drugstore and accidentally
leaves the bottle of aspirins that she bought on the counter.
She gets on a bus and the minute the bus has pulled
away from the curb remembers leaving her purchase
behind. "My aspirins! My aspirins!" she yells.
And the bus driver says, "Maybe you left them in the
drugstore."

A little Canadian boy named Johnny piffleerfaster is
screwing a little girl under the porch of his house.
His mother comes out the door and yells for him, "Johnny!
Johnny piffleerfaster!"
"I'll be there in a minute," he says.



CHINESE
Racial Characteristics:
Hordes of incomprehensible rat-eaters with a peculiar
political philosophy and a dangerous penchant for
narcotic drugs. No one can possibly know what dark
and grotesque things pass through the minds of this
hydraheaded racial anomaly which is, after all, more
like a monstrous colony of flesh-crazed carpenter
ants than a nation of rational men. Only a fool would
deal with two-legged insects ..such as these. Our
only hope is that the farsighted leaders of our own
land Will join with those of at least nominally Caucasian
Soviet Russia and that together they will treat us
to the welcome spectacle of a thermonuclear obliteration
of this yellow menace.

Good Points:
They're almost as far away as it's possible to be.

Proper Forms of Address:
Zipper head, Chink, slant, ching-chong Chinaman, yellow peril.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Chinese Character:
Nine hundred million Chinese walk into a bar. They order
a beer, pay up, and then just sit there, sipping their drinks,
not saying a word. Finally, the bartender can't stand it
anymore. "We don't see many Chinese in here," he says.
"And with this atmosphere of hedonistic individualism
capitalistically exploiting the labor of the masses and
wasting the people's agricultural resources," say the
Chinese, "you won't see many more."



ENGLISH
Racial Characteristics:
Cold-blooded queers with nasty complexions and terrible
teeth who once conquered half the world but still
haven't figured out central heating. They warm their
beers and chill their baths and boil all their food,
including bread. An intensely snobbish group, but
who exactly they're snubbing is an international
mystery. Lately they've been getting their comeuppance
world power-wise, as their shabby, antiquated, and
bankrupt little back alley of a country slowly winds
down like the ill-crafted clockwork playthings of
which their undersized children are so fond. In fact,
last year their entire government had to kiss the ass of the
fat aboriginal nig-nog who runs Uganda to retrieve a
single flit hack writer from the clutches of that august
nation. They all have large collections of something
useless like lamp finials or toad eggs, and they would
have lost both world wars if it were not for us. They
like to be spanked with canes and that's just what
they deserve.

Good Points:
It's relatively easy to make yourself understood with them.

Proper Forms of Address:
Limey, lime-eater, pom, poof, sister-boy.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the English Character:
In his unpublished memoirs, Benjamin Disraeli tells the
story of a political conference with then-Prime Minister
William Gladstone, who habitually conducted such private
discussions while being fellated by an able-bodied seaman
of the Royal Navy. At one point during their talk, the
sailor suddenly looked up from Gladstone's penis and said,
"Excuse me, Sir, but you've come."
"By Jove, so I have," said Gladstone, and he gave the
tar a sovereign.

[John Creeser]

As you know, Brother, I spent time doing missionary work in Canada. Your summation is pretty accurate. They do indeed keep french people, but not so much as pets but as subservient food providers turning out such foods as the escargot & a dish known as Poutine (Cheese turds, gravy over french fries). They are all fenced into a place called Queerbec.

For the most part, Canadians are pushovers. I remember walking the streets and I would purposely step on the feet of Canadians; they apologized to me I was flying from Vancouver to Calgary and I was the only one with my seat reclined...seriously, no Canadian reclines his chair for fear of upsetting the person behind him.

However, the Canadian becomes dangerous if you make fun of their "beer" (if you can call moose piss beer). Here is a small clip of what happens if you do.

[Alvin Moss]

People from Wisconsin look a lot like Canadians.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Originally Posted by John Creeser

...

However, the Canadian becomes dangerous if you make fun of their "beer" (if you can call moose piss beer). Here is a small clip of what happens if you do.

If I'm not mistaken, the only reason Canada attracted any inhabitants at all was the fur trade. In the early days without modern synthetics (GORE-TEX, etc.), people kept warm by wearing the fur of animals. This attracted a strange lot of trappers and others who developed the fine art of clubbing baby seals so as not to damage their pelts. Once the fur trade became practically obsolete, these people adapted their skills to the sport of hockey. Canada is indeed a God forsaken place, and anyone visiting there should be aware of their potential inbred violence (possibly even worse than the Irish). Most well adjusted people that happen to have been born there have already left and immigrated to the US.

[Titus Templeton]

Originally Posted by John Creeser

As you know, Brother, I spent time doing missionary work in Canada. Your summation is pretty accurate. They do indeed keep french people, but not so much as pets but as subservient food providers turning out such foods as the escargot & a dish known as Poutine (Cheese turds, gravy over french fries). They are all fenced into a place called Queerbec.

For the most part, Canadians are pushovers. I remember walking the streets and I would purposely step on the feet of Canadians; they apologized to me I was flying from Vancouver to Calgary and I was the only one with my seat reclined...seriously, no Canadian reclines his chair for fear of upsetting the person behind him.

However, the Canadian becomes dangerous if you make fun of their "beer" (if you can call moose piss beer). Here is a small clip of what happens if you do.

I never had respect for hockey fans.
I once was outside of a hockey stadium during a game. It was just one of my Christian™ observations. After a while I had to use the stadium's toilet. That was the moment when a drunk guy with a hockey shirt walked in and put his arms around me and started to sing.

I immediatly felt the homosexual tension of this moment so I put my private part back into the pants accepting the fact to wet myself a tiny bit. I screamed "Jesus" and pushed his arms away. I left the place and never came back.