[Jim Farmer]

She's an ex papist nun, isn't she? Say no more.

[WashedWithHisBlood]

Seeing this thread I recalled a time when I was a filthy booze drinking vaginal loving lowlife.

Back in the 90's I had my tally whacker covered with slimy rotten cheese smelling milky discharge after having sex with a mail order Chink.

It was damned disgusting and I swear to God the Lord all mighty Jesus Christ; who died on the cross for my sins; and whose name will reign forever...... That I will never ever ever everrr sleep with any women again.

Matthew 6:12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Originally Posted by WashedWithHisBlood

It was damned disgusting and I swear to God the Lord all mighty Jesus Christ; who died on the cross for my sins; and whose name will reign forever...... That I will never ever ever everrr sleep with any women again.

Sir, excuse me for asking, but how will you then impregnate a woman to have children for you? "Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward." Psalm 127:3

[WashedWithHisBlood]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson

Sir, excuse me for asking, but how will you then impregnate a woman to have children for you? "Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward." Psalm 127:3

Gee.. that's a good question.

How will I do that? ... Whooo... Well.. ummn... I got faith you see. So perhaps if I just pray it away I'll run into some luck.

Matthew 17:20 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

Sorry, but can we change the topic please? My step dad got arrested for DUI last night and he had been asking me to bail him out.

[Faith_Machine]

Is your stepfather a Christian? If so, I would say you have to bail him out. They like to abuse Christians in jail.

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Originally Posted by WashedWithHisBlood

Gee.. that's a good question.

How will I do that? ... Whooo... Well.. ummn... I got faith you see. So perhaps if I just pray it away I'll run into some luck.

Matthew 17:20 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

Sorry, but can we change the topic please? My step dad got arrested for DUI last night and he had been asking me to bail him out.

I'm so sorry to hear about your stepfather! Christians are always persecuted. "Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake." Matthew 5:11 Also, I'll join you in prayer that you can keep your oath "Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths:" Matthew 5:33 while still having an oath. After all, "But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

Yours in Christ,
Elizabeth

[Jim Farmer]

Originally Posted by WashedWithHisBlood

Gee.. that's a good question.

How will I do that? ... Whooo... Well.. ummn... I got faith you see. So perhaps if I just pray it away I'll run into some luck.

Matthew 17:20 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

Sorry, but can we change the topic please? My step dad got arrested for DUI last night and he had been asking me to bail him out.

I have found the solution to this. I impregnated my wife once - it was disgusting - and she bore a female child She's pregnant again, but I did not directly impregnate her this time. I put my seed into a turkey baster, and delivered my seed to her lady parts that way. It was much more pleasant. I'm sure it will be a son, as a direct result. Next time I'm thinking of getting a nurse or a midwife to deliver the seed to her cooter - that way I won't even have to look at it.

[Faith_Machine]

Originally Posted by Jim Farmer

I put my seed into a turkey baster

Wait, hold up, RED ALERT, do not pass "go."

Mr. Farmer, I certainly hope you had some way of getting that seed into that turkey baster without, um, engaging in self abuse.

[Jim Farmer]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

Wait, hold up, RED ALERT, do not pass "go."

Mr. Farmer, I certainly hope you had some way of getting that seed into that turkey baster without, um, engaging in self abuse.

It's quite OK, as no seed was spilled

[Faith_Machine]

Gonna need to consult the pastors on this one. If you rubbed that thing, well, I just don't know how to feel about that. But I will, of course defer to my spiritual betters as to whether you remained within the letter and spirit of the law.

[Jim Farmer]

Matthew 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
I can assure you I did not look at a pornographic image of a woman or otherwise look lustfully at women to produce the seed

[Faith_Machine]

But you stroked your shaft, didn't you? That's the part that I'm worried about. I sure would hate to see you get in trouble with God.

[Jim Farmer]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

But you stroked your shaft, didn't you? That's the part that I'm worried about. I sure would hate to see you get in trouble with God.

Biblical reference?

[Witch Hammer]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

But you stroked your shaft, didn't you? That's the part that I'm worried about. I sure would hate to see you get in trouble with God.

Not to brag, but I am able to ejaculate spontaneously just by imagining Christ hanging on the cross. If I time it just right, I can seed the wife with a single, decisive stab followed by a hasty withdrawal (and showering til the hot water runs out)...almost like it never even happened at all.

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

My husband (he gave me permission to post this) was very efficient. In less than three minutes, he deflowered me, consummated the marriage, and impregnated me. He even had the kindness to make it as painful for me (which was also very comfortable as him, I was his human pillow, beneath him, in every way that a wife should be) as possible in order to make sure I got to heaven!

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by WashedWithHisBlood

Gee.. that's a good question.

How will I do that? ... Whooo... Well.. ummn... I got faith you see. So perhaps if I just pray it away I'll run into some luck.

Matthew 17:20 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

Sorry, but can we change the topic please? My step dad got arrested for DUI last night and he had been asking me to bail him out.

Well, did you try praying? Since you have faith that God can immaculately impregnate a woman for you, He surely can spare some money for bail for your dad!

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

But you stroked your shaft, didn't you? That's the part that I'm worried about. I sure would hate to see you get in trouble with God.

My beloved Brother FM: I (obviously) don't know ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING about these things, but I'm sure that our Brother Jim was able to extract his seed without engaging in any type of fornication - with the assistance of , of course.

[Faith_Machine]

Basilissa, in my pre-saved days, I engaged in a lot of self-abuse, so I'm something of a spurt expert. I hate to say it, but I don't think the average man can get that spurt to happen without some amount of manual stimulation.

I fear brother Jim has unwittingly allowed the demon of Onanism to lead him down its primrose path.

[Jim Farmer]

Genesis 38:9-10
9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
10 And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.

What upset God was that the seed was spilled. I have already said that I took great care to spill no seed.

[Faith_Machine]

But you experienced sexual pleasure in order to, um, produce your seed. That can't be a good thing.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Jim Farmer

Genesis 38:9-10
9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
10 And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.

What upset God was that the seed was spilled. I have already said that I took great care to spill no seed.

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

But you experienced sexual pleasure in order to, um, produce your seed. That can't be a good thing.

Gentlemen, you have veered astray from the topic of this thread, and the discussion you are having should not be conducted in front of the womenfolk. Please take it to the Men's Only section of the forum, where no woman would dare to tread.