[GaleWhoring the Boring (On Moderation)]

Hello everyone. Y'know, I've been thinking, as we love the Bible so much (and I admit, I've skimmed it a bit, but it has it's moments) I was thinking we could take turns ghost-writing new chapters? It's been a while.

As as my relationship with Jesus has been confirmed official, quite literally, he's spoon-feeding me ideas to to accident to an already wonderful story.

Revelations 22

19 And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.
20 He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus.
21 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.


But never did it say that we couldn't add our own creative additions, so I say, let's have it! I'm sure there's some creative minds here.

Soooooo, picking up with the Bible left off... let's see.





The Book of Gale 1:1-12


1 All was all nice and all. But fast forward gillions of years later, and we get to the part of Gale and Jesus. Jesus got sick of that nag, Mary, and found Himself a real woman.

2 And yeh, her name was Gale! She was kind, and pretty and just a bit kooky, but that's okay! The weird ones are usually best.

3 Gale and Jesus sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First come the jig-i-jig, then comes love, and then oh and look there's God peeking out from above!

4 And in a booming voice, God said, Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Now, play nice you two! He had a big belly, like jelly that jiggled when he giggled.

5 Jesus began to sing, "I'm the Son, I'm the Heir, of a deity that's criminally vulgar. I'm Son and Heir, of...oh you know, the Kingdom of Our Father!
6 And Gale was impressed indeed. His song was good. He sounded just like Morrissey.
7 And Jesus said, forgive me my love. I had been dead for three days. I must reek terribly.

8 And Gale said, oh that's okay. Sometimes bad smells good.

9 And all was well, and then...
10 Gale spotted another man. He was biggggg and handsome with a chiselled chin, and Jesus was jealous.

11 Now, Gale was never shy so she went up to the dude and said, "Hey Big Boy, do you like 'em Catholic?"

12 What would Jesus do?



Ok that's my contribution. C'mon, someone else now. Take it!

[GaleWhoring the Boring (On Moderation)]

Oh yes, as a note of thumb, you don't need to continue The Book of Gale. The idea is we create our own chapters, and no need to be too serious about it, so it's okay if there are some continuity flubs. I have a bit of a cheesy mind. Everyone has a story to tell.

[Didymus Much]

Originally Posted by GaleWhoring

...we love the Bible so much (and I admit, I've skimmed it a bit...

Gail ever since kindergarten: "So I see these other kids having fun, but rather than be arsed to learn the rules they're playing by, I'll just make up my own game and sit down right in the middle of them like I own the place and play with myself and then wonder why everyone goes kinda quiet and walks away..."

[Basilissa]

Deuteronomy 4:2 Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the Lord your God which I command you.

Proverbs 30:5-6
5 Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
6 Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

Revelation 22:18 or I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:

Short version for people with short attention span:

You are going to Hell.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Neither God nor Landover Baptist Church will be mocked.

[handmaiden]

If you absolutely must be blasphemous, couldn't you write something less lame?

Check out Monty Python's riff on the Holy Hand Grenade. An insult to the Holy Word of God, of course, but it is at least marginally amusing.

[GaleWhoring the Boring (On Moderation)]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

If you absolutely must be blasphemous, couldn't you write something less lame?

Check out Monty Python's riff on the Holy Hand Grenade. An insult to the Holy Word of God, of course, but it is at least marginally amusing.

I admit, I'm a wordsmith in the most casual sense. Perhaps you can think of some verses even more clever than my own?

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by GaleWhoring

I admit, I'm a wordsmith in the most casual sense. Perhaps you can think of some verses even more clever than my own?

Handmaiden is a True Christian™ Lady. Why on earth would you think she would disobey God?

[GaleWhoring the Boring (On Moderation)]

Originally Posted by Basilissa

Handmaiden is a True Christian™ Lady. Why on earth would you think she would disobey God?

Oh, I'd imagine she'd be so close with God, He might inspire some ideas for her!

[Johny Joe Hold]

Originally Posted by GaleWhoring

Oh, I'd imagine she'd be so close with God, He might inspire some ideas for her!

I know the admin people are really busy--running this site must require countless hours of work. But, I hope they notice this person has "whore" in her last name.

Is it any surprise she mocks our True Christians™ here?

[BrotherLarry]

The devil - that old serpent - will try anything to discount the Word of God. Miss Whoring, can't you see he is working through you to bring a shadow on the light of Christ's Book of Books?

Landover would never sanction such an activity!

While we have in the past made the Word clearer for others by dumbing it down for people like atheists and Vietnamese, and we have translated it for blacks so they can understand verses like John 3:16:

"For God so loved the world..."
"So da Man Upstairs was Jonesin' fo the thang He done made..."

However, to turn our Lord's Guidebook into a fairy tale is simply demonic and we won't have it. The Bible is the truth of all truths. Take your Britney Spears teenage games to a sleepover but not God's Favorite Interwebs site.

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by GaleWhoring

Oh, I'd imagine she'd be so close with God, He might inspire some ideas for her!

After reading the Bible lo these many years, the main idea that God inspires in me is Not To Mess With Him.

God gave over the fate of Job into Satan's hands just to prove a point. Job had done nothing wrong but God stood back and let Satan kill all his children and ruin him financially before afflicting him with sores and the like. The guy was miserable until he had humbled himself enough so that God could pull a "nyah nyah ne nyah nyah" in Satan's face.*


If God was willing to let all that happen to Job who was one of His best guys, I don't want to think about what He might let happen to someone as flippant as you about His Holy Word.


Any sensible person would read the many vile and gruesome things that take place in the Bible and take a long, sober look at what it means to choose between believing and following The Lord or rejecting His existance and/or authority.


I include that odd "and/or" dichotomy (or is it a paradox) because there are a lot of self-deluded people who both believe in God because the Bible tells them so and refuse to obey His express commands because their delicate sensibilities recoil at much of the Bible.


It doesn't make sense, but happily, we now have an emoji for that.


* Seriously, who needs Bible-based fan-fiction with stories like these to study?

[GaleWhoring the Boring (On Moderation)]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

Any sensible person would read the many vile and gruesome things that take place in the Bible and take a long, sober look at what it means to choose between believing and following The Lord or rejecting His existance and/or authority.

Exactly why I started this. At least my storytelling is not so vindictive and violent as those old coots who wrote the Bible. My additions are a much needed improvement; a breath of fresh aire you could say.

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by GaleWhoring

Exactly why I started this. At least my storytelling is not so vindictive and violent as those old coots who wrote the Bible.

They are properly referred to as prophets and scribes, not "old coots". Real, committed Bible believers hold that God revealed His Word directly to these men. How else could Moses write about his own death before he actually died if God didn't tell him what was going to happen?

My additions are a much needed improvement; a breath of fresh aire you could say.

Your additions are blasphemous and trite. They are the stale air found within a sealed shipwreck. Furthermore, "history" is considered non-fiction so you can't combine history and fan-fiction. Finally, if you are going to write "fan" whatever, it helps to be a fan.

You writing "fan-fiction" about the Bible is like a boxing fan writing about Star Trek. Boxers don't use light-sabers in the ring so you don't know what you're talking about.

[GaleWhoring the Boring (On Moderation)]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

They are properly referred to as prophets and scribes, not "old coots". Real, committed Bible believers hold that God revealed His Word directly to these men. How else could Moses write about his own death before he actually died if God didn't tell him what was going to happen? Your additions are blasphemous and trite. They are the stale air found within a sealed shipwreck. Furthermore, "history" is considered non-fiction so you can't combine history and fan-fiction. Finally, if you are going to write "fan" whatever, it helps to be a fan.

You writing "fan-fiction" about the Bible is like a boxing fan writing about Star Trek. Boxers don't use light-sabers in the ring so you don't know what you're talking about.

I heard this theory once that the mountain Moses was on was filled with LSD-like 'shrooms he might have tripped on. Sometimes when I take similar barbiturates, I have visions of my death. It's a strange feeling. It's all black, and there's this little orange hole at the end. It's really eerie.

And there are no light-sabres in Star Trek! I'm a bit of a Trekkie, but even normal people know that's purely a Star Wars device!

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by GaleWhoring

I heard this theory once that the mountain Moses was on was filled with LSD-like 'shrooms he might have tripped on.

You may have heard it, but you didn't read it in the Bible. What you read is what you get with God.

Sometimes when I take similar barbiturates, I have visions of my death. It's a strange feeling. It's all black, and there's this little orange hole at the end. It's really eerie.

It's really dumb, is what it is. You'll die soon enough and discover the orange hole is the flaming pit waiting to burn you in napalm-like fire for all eternity. It's bad enough that you resist the gift of Jesus' Blood that can save you from such a fate. Why do you want to sample previews of your eternal torture?

And there are no light-sabres in Star Trek! I'm a bit of a Trekkie, but even normal people know that's purely a Star Wars device!

I care naught for your instruction in the false religion of the "force" and the "ko-li-naar" nonsense. I do care that you have used the British spelling for saber. We speak American here! And we spell American as well! If your start spelling "color" with a "u", one of the administrators will have to issue an infraction. The same goes for any pretentious attempts at spelling "center" or "theater". Use of "ye olde" will merit even more severe penalties.

[GaleWhoring the Boring (On Moderation)]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

I care naught for your instruction in the false religion of the "force" and the "ko-li-naar" nonsense. I do care that you have used the British spelling for saber. We speak American here! And we spell American as well! If your start spelling "color" with a "u", one of the administrators will have to issue an infraction. The same goes for any pretentious attempts at spelling "center" or "theater". Use of "ye olde" will merit even more severe penalties.

It just so happens I am Irish by heritage, and I'm sorry, but I don't speak American! If I aspired to mimic your uncultured horse braying, then maybe I'd fit in better living here, who knows?

[Titus Templeton]

I despise all the "funny stuff" that these unsaved bring to this forum. 10 years and not a single funny thing by these people! Instead I would recommend everyone to go to my joke thread about the holocaust.

[GaleWhoring the Boring (On Moderation)]

Oh please, I'm a laugh riot. And I couldn't think less of the opinion of someone who looks like the author of DIY Satanic literature.

[Romeo Rovagnati]

Dear Ms. Whoring.

The book you are promoting should be counted as apocrypha, and the Catholic Church does not accept apocrypha as Canon (tough protestants claims that some of the books in our Bible are apocrypha). However, if the book you wrote was divinely inspired by God himself, maybe you can ask Pope Francis to accept it as part of the Bible. I hope i was helpful.