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Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow.

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Default Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 03-22-2018, 02:57 AM

We members of Landover Baptist Church are here helping others 24/7. It occurred to me, however, training on entry-level access for folks who might be new here might be helpful.

If you are troubled by your sin, and you should be, I suggest you look at the academic degrees by the names of "True Christians". True Christians are of course those who have passed the training Jesus requires for certain passage into heaven at the end of our period here on earth.

The degrees I am speaking of are "Ph.D", "Dr." and "Pastor". The latter indicates an advanced degree in theology.

We have here at Landover Baptist a deep bench of experts who can help you recognize the sin you are engaging in and the dire consequences you face with this sin. Those with advanced degrees have studied sin and what Jesus has had to say about. They will pass this along to you so that you can make proper adjustments before your day of reckoning has arrived.

Welcome to all those seeking help with their sin.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 03-22-2018, 08:27 AM

I am not claiming to have a degree but for anyone concerned about approaching a Pastor (or the deaconess) with their anxieties, and let's face it: antics of the unregenerate can sink pretty low, I'm always available with a listening ear for the embarrassed few responding to God's invitation and will not call security just because you're trying to turn over a new leaf but having a few hiccups. Most heathens of course prefer to stick with the bilious life they've chosen and will not respond to anything, well.. maybe a taser but certainly not God.

The other few if I can do anything anything at all please don't hesitate if the devil is goading you sure you can feel isolated I know that just bring a friend or someone willing to support you and we can work through any issues

..in Christ
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Default Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 03-22-2018, 02:33 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
I am not claiming to have a degree but for anyone concerned about approaching a Pastor (or the deaconess) with their anxieties, and let's face it: antics of the unregenerate can sink pretty low, I'm always available with a listening ear for the embarrassed few responding to God's invitation ...

The other few if I can do anything anything at all please don't hesitate if the devil is goading you sure you can feel isolated I know that just bring a friend or someone willing to support you and we can work through any issues
..in Christ
Thank you Sister Miza for stepping forward to offer you sympathetic ear and help.

Sinners out there, you can see Mitza plus a host of others are standing by to hear you plea for help and guide you out of the unhappy your circumstances.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 03-22-2018, 10:33 PM

The Mayor could not be more correct - Jesus has blessed the Landover Baptist Church with the most awesome and scholarly Bible (KJV1611) knowledge on earth.

Think about it - you could regularly read you Bible (KJV1611) but might miss some nuance or simple misunderstanding and at the end of it all wind up in the Lake of Fire for an eternity. With Satan, George Soros, and the Democrats loose right now, and the fake news MSM aiding and abetting them why risk your eternal future?

Bring your sins forward and get straight with Jesus on God's only anointed place of True Christianity™ in existence.


Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
...and get off my lawn
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Default Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 03-23-2018, 03:17 AM

Oh boy, well here's a big one. I've been suffering lately from these headache spasms, with flashbacks of my old life before Christ. I've done my best to blot it all out, but it keeps resurfacing - scenes of wild, crazed nights of partying and sex, an endless orgy of buttsex and Prozac. I can still feel the tingle of being on the 'receiving end' of a Roman conga line. The worst part is, half of it I don't remember, and I wonder if I'm just imagining things; experiencing the memories of someone else.

These flashes happen mostly at night. They feel like a pit deep in my head swelling up, before exploding and all goes black. My doctor has recommended I distract myself with the Bible and if need be, he can refer me to a good lobotomy clinic.


Good TC's and Pastors, can you recommend any juicy Bible passages, perfect for distracting oneself from Satanic intrusion?


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Prayer Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 03-23-2018, 06:14 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim C. Lombardo View Post
Oh boy, well here's a big one. I've been suffering lately from these headache spasms, with flashbacks of my old life before Christ. I've done my best to blot it all out, but it keeps resurfacing - scenes of wild, crazed nights of partying and sex, an endless orgy of buttsex and Prozac. I can still feel the tingle of being on the 'receiving end' of a Roman conga line. The worst part is, half of it I don't remember, and I wonder if I'm just imagining things; experiencing the memories of someone else.

These flashes happen mostly at night. They feel like a pit deep in my head swelling up, before exploding and all goes black. My doctor has recommended I distract myself with the Bible and if need be, he can refer me to a good lobotomy clinic.

Good TC's and Pastors, can you recommend any juicy Bible passages, perfect for distracting oneself from Satanic intrusion?
Oh, boy. You have a b-i-i-i-g problem. The related body part if of course in your case tiny but filled with sin. Verses will not help, instead, you need to stop that compulsive masturbation. Now. It is called sleepwanking and it is very similar to sleepwalking. You need to install a web cam and send me the tapes so that I can assess the gravity of your situation. I'd say that your chances for Salvation® just dropped from 1:1.2*10exp23 to zilch:almost infinite.

You need a verse? Matthew 5:29-30 is handy and will cure this eyesore.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 03-23-2018, 09:30 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Oh, boy. You have a b-i-i-i-g problem. The related body part if of course in your case tiny but filled with sin. Verses will not help, instead, you need to stop that compulsive masturbation. Now. It is called sleepwanking and it is very similar to sleepwalking. You need to install a web cam and send me the tapes so that I can assess the gravity of your situation. I'd say that your chances for Salvation® just dropped from 1:1.2*10exp23 to zilch:almost infinite.

You need a verse? Matthew 5:29-30 is handy and will cure this eyesore.
This is an interesting approach to keeping the people closest to us safe from sin. A friend of mine who has recently repented his sinful ways as he simultaneously repaid his debt to society is a wiz with these new fangled tiny camera systems and I have engaged his services to provide a full suite of observationalisationifactionism so that I may ensure that my eager young, clean limbed young nephew is in no way touching himself in either a sexual or homersexual way

Our young people’s errant hands of a quiet nights or rambunctuous day where friends are rough housing together (possibly shirtless) need watching and protecting more that ever these days, I expect.

Psalm 121:5 The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand

YIC


1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Default Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 03-24-2018, 11:55 PM

Lately the smell of e̶m̶b̶a̶l̶m̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶f̶l̶u̶i̶d̶ formaldehyde has been springing up from my back yard as of late. It seems to be occurring just as the snow has begun melting and the flowers have begun blooming again. I worry as I don't want to attract unwanted attention. How do I solve this issue?
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Jesus Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 03-25-2018, 02:27 PM

First of all, Brother Jim Lombardo:

As an intelligent ABD (all but dissertation) True Christian™, I would be pleased to offer you a hand to prevent your embarrassing issue - any time, day or night. You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am, I'll come running.

Brother Buck: Your problem is complex and not too promising. Generally speaking, and in the finer circles, one does not have to deal with such aromas. Are you able to secure a backhoe in a very quiet and inconspicuous manner? The rental of a U-Haul, the use of the backhoe, and a thorough re-seeding of the lawn may help. You can buy those air fresheners that go off automatically (perhaps 30 of them or so) until the spring thaw.

Yours in our Beautiful Savior,
BrotherLarry


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 03-26-2018, 06:53 PM

I think I shall do that this weekend on Saturday. On a semi-related note NOT BECAUSE OF THE SMELL, I feel there may be some evil spirits haunting my land. I sincerely have no idea why they would be in my backyard but it coincides with the bad smell. Is an exorcist able to come out to my home from Landover? I would be willing to pay three times the normal amount on the consensus that my privacy involving the issue stay between me, the exorcist, Jesus, and God.
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Jesus Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 03-26-2018, 07:07 PM

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Originally Posted by Bubba Buck View Post
I think I shall do that this weekend on Saturday. On a semi-related note NOT BECAUSE OF THE SMELL, I feel there may be some evil spirits haunting my land. I sincerely have no idea why they would be in my backyard but it coincides with the bad smell. Is an exorcist able to come out to my home from Landover? I would be willing to pay three times the normal amount on the consensus that my privacy involving the issue stay between me, the exorcist, Jesus, and God.
It pains me to see you say "I would be willing to pay three times the normal amount..." as if Landover's pastors are all about the money instead of being about the exorcism. Our ministry does what Jesus says, and Jesus ain't say that.

However, due to your not being a verified True Christian™, you will likely be refused this service. Landover pastors spread the love of Christ, and certainly Jesus spreads His mercies unconditionally. Our pastors aren't Jesus, although they are like Him in most ways.
I recommend a local ministry to rid the demonic presence. If you hadn't sinned, these minions wouldn't be hassling you - so it's your fault.

In Christ,
BrotherLarry


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 03-26-2018, 07:52 PM

To be fair, I have had a lot of gay demons I've had to expel from my...err...past life shall we say? I am afraid of them still haunting me and I don't want to go back and have to confront them again lest they taint my body once more. Perhaps I should ask Brother Popoff for help. He's always expedient in replying to my letters.
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Default Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 04-05-2018, 10:55 PM

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Originally Posted by Bubba Buck View Post
To be fair, I have had a lot of gay demons I've had to expel from my...err...past life shall we say? I am afraid of them still haunting me and I don't want to go back and have to confront them again lest they taint my body once more. Perhaps I should ask Brother Popoff for help. He's always expedient in replying to my letters.
What you need, friend, is a nice All-American firearm! No sin-soaked homer will come near a real man with a real gun. May I interest you in a Colt M1911 pistol inscribed with your favorite Bible verse?


Praise the LORD!

Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
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Default Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 04-18-2018, 01:23 AM

I'm afraid there are many Christians who say, or even believe, they read the Bible but really they are just thumbing through it.

Take the topic of sin. We here at Landover Baptist take sin seriously and point to those who sin because the Bible tells us to.

1 Timothy 20 Them that sin rebuke before all, that others may fear.

We save others who might sin by calling out those who do. Take homerism, the greatest of sins. Other Christians are pulling back from condemning homers. Not Landover Baptist. We know God gave us fingers to point and you will see us doing just that.

http://www.christiandoctrine.com/in-...ng-against-sin


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Expert Help Is Available for Dealing With Your Sin - 04-26-2018, 01:29 PM

That was an encouraging link, not so much because of references to Scofield and/or antinomianism Matthew 18:3 (what child can discuss antinomianism?) but because of some of the comments. What, for instance, is a gentile saved by the Grace gospel delivered to Paul? Embellishment with fancy words is not a part of anything described by Jesus OR by Paul, both of whom presented a NEW reality
Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all. Put on therefore as the elect of God holy and beloved bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering Colossians 3:11-12



Then, bamboozled, I noticed something about Jesus knowing we could not live according to the law so Abolished it?
Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid..Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. Think not that I am come to destroy the law or the prophets: I am not come to destroy but to fulfil..Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:14; 16-17; 19-20



We know that the Pharisees and scribes were bad to the bone Matthew 23:27-28 and were they bamboozling today would probably use the NIV or some Romish blather, I'll even quote "Living Letters" just to refute them. There no longer exists any such thing as a gentile!
Living Letters In this new life it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free..Colossians 3:11

Douay-Rheims Where there is neither Gentile nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian nor Scythian, bond nor free..Colossians 3:11

NIV Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free..Colossians 3:11
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