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Default Re: I need advice - 10-05-2007, 02:19 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick View Post
I took all of your advice down to the last word. I quit the supposedly Baptist church that I found. It turns out that the pastor was a homer. I am renouncing anime, nickelodeon, and masturbation, among other sins, and have rebuked all of my unGodly former friends and am fighting my way through liberal public school. All for Christ's sake. Praise Jesus!

Glory!! Another soul for Christ!!

Now all you have to do is hit that Paypal button at the bottom of this page and set up a robust Tithing schedule.

Jesus is waiting, Andy. He needs a new pair of shoes.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: I need advice - 10-05-2007, 04:39 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick View Post

I took all of your advice down to the last word. I quit the supposedly Baptist church that I found. It turns out that the pastor was a homer. I am renouncing anime, nickelodeon, and masturbation, among other sins, and have rebuked all of my unGodly former friends and am fighting my way through liberal public school. All for Christ's sake. Praise Jesus!

Isn't this wonderful news, Andrew! And you'll see, it will all be worth it, for eternal salvation and the promise of Heaven with GOD. Once saved, we are sin-free!

Psalm 119:2 Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart.

Psalm 119:3 They also do no iniquity: they walk in his ways.


Now be good, Andrew, and resist lie-beral-stalinist peer-pressure to do sin at that school of yours. This might mean you will lose all your friends and be an outcast, but you're doing it for your immortal soul in JESUS' love!



1st Timothy 2: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
1st Timothy 2: 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works ...


1 Timothy 5: 16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed ...

Proverbs 31: 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness ...
Proverbs 31: 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness ...
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Default Re: I need advice - 10-05-2007, 11:58 AM

Thank you for all of your encouragement. I will continue to do as your guidance suggests. Now, how about upgrading my status to "Member". I feel so out of place being labeled "Unsaved Trash".
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Default Re: I need advice - 10-05-2007, 01:04 PM

As I understand it, your Department of Faith review has not yet been approved. Jesus will let us know when it is time for you to become a member. On a totally-unrelated note, your tithing history seems to be lacking, as you are nowhere near having tithed at least 10% of every dime you've ever made....


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Default Re: I need advice - 10-05-2007, 03:10 PM

I see. Well, I suppose that there's nothing to do about the red tape but wait it out.
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Default Re: I need advice - 10-06-2007, 08:11 AM

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Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick View Post
Thank you for all of your encouragement. I will continue to do as your guidance suggests. Now, how about upgrading my status to "Member". I feel so out of place being labeled "Unsaved Trash".
Perhaps y'all ought to show your new-found faith by a love offering to Jesus? I do believe the Pastors are in dire need of something....but I forget what. Oh my word, silly me.
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Default Re: I need advice - 10-09-2007, 07:30 PM

I don't have a paypal account and my Internet usage is strictly monitored by my evil, liberal parents. Why yesterday...I caught them watching CNN! Disgusting! They control all of my money and surely won't allow me to donate...and they call themselves Christians.
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Default Re: I need advice - 10-09-2007, 07:51 PM

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I don't have a paypal account and my Internet usage is strictly monitored by my evil, liberal parents. Why yesterday...I caught them watching CNN! Disgusting! They control all of my money and surely won't allow me to donate...and they call themselves Christians.
Can't you sneak the credit cards from your Mommy or Daddy's wallet when they are sleeping? We accept all major credit cards.

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Default Re: I need advice - 10-09-2007, 07:55 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick View Post
I don't have a paypal account and my Internet usage is strictly monitored by my evil, liberal parents. Why yesterday...I caught them watching CNN! Disgusting! They control all of my money and surely won't allow me to donate...and they call themselves Christians.
That to our Godly president even the underage can tithe against future earnings with a credit card. Please contact the Church office to arraing for a Landover Platinum card.



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Default Re: I need advice - 10-10-2007, 12:03 PM

I'll be sure to do so. I intend to tithe 11% (Lord willing) as soon as my account is set up.
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Default Re: I need advice - 10-11-2007, 12:05 PM

Y'all should contact one of our Pastors, perhaps the Godly Pastor Pistle, to arrange a tithing plan. They were very helpful in showing those plans to my Daddy and even mailing a copy to my man in Iraq. Salvation ain't something to take lightly. Eternity is a long time!
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Default Re: I need advice - 10-11-2007, 03:13 PM

Will do. I'm monitoring suspicious Wiccan activity locally and I'll report back with my findings.
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Default Re: I need advice - 10-11-2007, 06:57 PM

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Will do. I'm monitoring suspicious Wiccan activity locally and I'll report back with my findings.
This is good news Andrew, we are waiting to hear. How are things going at that lieberal public school you attend? Have your friends dropped you like a hot potato? Are heathens and wiccans starting to look at you funny, and avoid you in the corridors and cafeteria? Do students and teachers now ignore you in the classrooms? If the answer is yes, then you know you are on the long road to salvation in Jesus! Praise!


1st Timothy 2: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
1st Timothy 2: 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works ...


1 Timothy 5: 16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed ...

Proverbs 31: 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness ...
Proverbs 31: 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness ...
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Default Re: I need advice - 10-15-2007, 12:02 PM

Dear Landover Baptist Church,

I have come to realize that I can not comply with all of the Terms of Service. Your guidance has been most helpful and I thank you for what you've done. However, I have found another, more righteous church locally, and they have advised me to move on. Thank you for your time and guidance. You have all been most helpful and I am entirely grateful.

YIC,

-Andrew
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One Year/1000 posts Ribfest '09 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class Christian Love True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Real American™ True Heterosexual™ Tithing Manager 2008 Witch Hunt Award Gunfest '09 Senior Pastor Mission to Australia Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound Home Schooled Punched the most queers TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Jailed for JESUS Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot 20,000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth 50,000 posts Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Japan Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Provider™ award True Scientist™ Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award Outreach preacher Special Mission (North Korea) Golden Bear Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! WisconSIN Shooting survivor Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club In Love With Zeke Bear Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Man of the Year True Christian Hotrodder Paula Deen Negro Support Group Gator Touched by Jesus 75,000 posts Man of the Year Babysitter 2014 Witch Hunt Award Stamp of Approval Mission to Korea Trump of GOD Uber Angels Driver Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Roper Crossburn Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Anti-sodomy Hands Off 2015 Witch Hunt Award Pastor Ezekiel Golden Bear Award Mission Long service medal, 2nd class Aardvark Asked questions later Heart of compassion Crown of Righteousness The Crown of Crowns Crown of Glory Crown of Incorruptibility Crown of Rejoicing Crown of Life BFF of Jesus Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Probing for Jesus Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Saved 10 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Mission to the Philippines Clorox Cured Me QAnon Storm Chaser Anti-Biden British Royalty

 
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Default Re: I need advice - 10-15-2007, 12:10 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick View Post
Dear Landover Baptist Church,

I have come to realize that I can not comply with all of the Terms of Service. Your guidance has been most helpful and I thank you for what you've done. However, I have found another, more righteous church locally, and they have advised me to move on. Thank you for your time and guidance. You have all been most helpful and I am entirely grateful.

YIC,

-Andrew
And may I inquire as to the name of this "more righteous church"?

Whoever they are, I can promise you that Landover Baptist is the ONLY Church that follows the Holy Bible literally, word-for-word. All the others will do nothing put grease you up and prepare you for satan's eternal raperooms.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: I need advice - 10-15-2007, 12:18 PM

No you may not. I was told I would have to "sell your kidneys to pay for the lawsuit" if I mentioned their name off church property. Security reasons, you know.
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Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

One Year/1000 posts Ribfest '09 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class Christian Love True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Real American™ True Heterosexual™ Tithing Manager 2008 Witch Hunt Award Gunfest '09 Senior Pastor Mission to Australia Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound Home Schooled Punched the most queers TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Jailed for JESUS Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot 20,000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth 50,000 posts Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Japan Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Provider™ award True Scientist™ Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award Outreach preacher Special Mission (North Korea) Golden Bear Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! WisconSIN Shooting survivor Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club In Love With Zeke Bear Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Man of the Year True Christian Hotrodder Paula Deen Negro Support Group Gator Touched by Jesus 75,000 posts Man of the Year Babysitter 2014 Witch Hunt Award Stamp of Approval Mission to Korea Trump of GOD Uber Angels Driver Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Roper Crossburn Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Anti-sodomy Hands Off 2015 Witch Hunt Award Pastor Ezekiel Golden Bear Award Mission Long service medal, 2nd class Aardvark Asked questions later Heart of compassion Crown of Righteousness The Crown of Crowns Crown of Glory Crown of Incorruptibility Crown of Rejoicing Crown of Life BFF of Jesus Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Probing for Jesus Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Saved 10 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Mission to the Philippines Clorox Cured Me QAnon Storm Chaser Anti-Biden British Royalty

 
Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: I need advice - 10-15-2007, 12:26 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick View Post
No you may not. I was told I would have to "sell your kidneys to pay for the lawsuit" if I mentioned their name off church property. Security reasons, you know.
That sounds like a brutal, unfeeling mob of bullies if you ask me. Landover Baptist spreads Christ's Love.

At any rate, the DOF is all over this.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Andrew Barrick's Avatar
Andrew Barrick Andrew Barrick is offline
Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
 
Posts: 93
Join Date: Sep 2007
Andrew Barrick is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: I need advice - 10-15-2007, 12:49 PM

Well, if the DOF is "all over this", you should have their name and location in no time. Besides, I said I was appriciative of your guidance. No hard feelings?

P.S. Is calling people "niggardly penny-pinching joos" part of Christ's love?
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Pastor Ezekiel's Avatar
Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

One Year/1000 posts Ribfest '09 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class Christian Love True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Real American™ True Heterosexual™ Tithing Manager 2008 Witch Hunt Award Gunfest '09 Senior Pastor Mission to Australia Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound Home Schooled Punched the most queers TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Jailed for JESUS Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot 20,000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth 50,000 posts Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Japan Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Provider™ award True Scientist™ Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award Outreach preacher Special Mission (North Korea) Golden Bear Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! WisconSIN Shooting survivor Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club In Love With Zeke Bear Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Man of the Year True Christian Hotrodder Paula Deen Negro Support Group Gator Touched by Jesus 75,000 posts Man of the Year Babysitter 2014 Witch Hunt Award Stamp of Approval Mission to Korea Trump of GOD Uber Angels Driver Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Roper Crossburn Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Anti-sodomy Hands Off 2015 Witch Hunt Award Pastor Ezekiel Golden Bear Award Mission Long service medal, 2nd class Aardvark Asked questions later Heart of compassion Crown of Righteousness The Crown of Crowns Crown of Glory Crown of Incorruptibility Crown of Rejoicing Crown of Life BFF of Jesus Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Probing for Jesus Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Saved 10 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Mission to the Philippines Clorox Cured Me QAnon Storm Chaser Anti-Biden British Royalty

 
Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: I need advice - 10-15-2007, 01:02 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick View Post
Well, if the DOF is "all over this", you should have their name and location in no time. Besides, I said I was appriciative of your guidance. No hard feelings?

P.S. Is calling people "niggardly penny-pinching joos" part of Christ's love?
Son, be honest now. Have you ever even heard of a joo who wasn't niggardly, and penny-pinching?

Jesus demands that we be honest and call a spade a spade. He doesn't want us to sugar coat the world. That would be mean and hateful, as the false Christians are.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Dwayne DeKalb Dwayne DeKalb is offline
Unsaved trash, hippie dopehead
 
Posts: 156
Join Date: Nov 2006
Dwayne DeKalb is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Dwayne DeKalb is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: I need advice - 10-15-2007, 01:04 PM

Don't take advice from these doorknobs.
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