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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: I need advice -
10-05-2007, 02:19 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick
I took all of your advice down to the last word. I quit the supposedly Baptist church that I found. It turns out that the pastor was a homer. I am renouncing anime, nickelodeon, and masturbation, among other sins, and have rebuked all of my unGodly former friends and am fighting my way through liberal public school. All for Christ's sake. Praise Jesus!
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Glory!! Another soul for Christ!!
Now all you have to do is hit that Paypal button at the bottom of this page and set up a robust Tithing schedule.
Jesus is waiting, Andy. He needs a new pair of shoes.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,840
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nice house on Nob Hill
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Re: I need advice -
10-05-2007, 04:39 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick
I took all of your advice down to the last word. I quit the supposedly Baptist church that I found. It turns out that the pastor was a homer. I am renouncing anime, nickelodeon, and masturbation, among other sins, and have rebuked all of my unGodly former friends and am fighting my way through liberal public school. All for Christ's sake. Praise Jesus!
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Isn't this wonderful news, Andrew! And you'll see, it will all be worth it, for eternal salvation and the promise of Heaven with GOD. Once saved, we are sin-free!
Psalm 119:2 Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart.
Psalm 119:3 They also do no iniquity: they walk in his ways.
Now be good, Andrew, and resist lie-beral-stalinist peer-pressure to do sin at that school of yours. This might mean you will lose all your friends and be an outcast, but you're doing it for your immortal soul in JESUS' love!
1st Timothy 2: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
1st Timothy 2: 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works ...
1 Timothy 5: 16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed ...
Proverbs 31: 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness ...
Proverbs 31: 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness ...
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 93
Join Date: Sep 2007
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Re: I need advice -
10-05-2007, 11:58 AM
Thank you for all of your encouragement. I will continue to do as your guidance suggests. Now, how about upgrading my status to "Member". I feel so out of place being labeled "Unsaved Trash".
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Scientific Advisor
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,369
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Landover Baptist University for the Saved, Corridor 17C
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Re: I need advice -
10-05-2007, 01:04 PM
As I understand it, your Department of Faith review has not yet been approved. Jesus will let us know when it is time for you to become a member. On a totally-unrelated note, your tithing history seems to be lacking, as you are nowhere near having tithed at least 10% of every dime you've ever made....
Trump 2020: "For Real This Time"
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 93
Join Date: Sep 2007
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Re: I need advice -
10-05-2007, 03:10 PM
I see. Well, I suppose that there's nothing to do about the red tape but wait it out.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,198
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Baton Rouge, Louisiana
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Re: I need advice -
10-06-2007, 08:11 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick
Thank you for all of your encouragement. I will continue to do as your guidance suggests. Now, how about upgrading my status to "Member". I feel so out of place being labeled "Unsaved Trash".
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Perhaps y'all ought to show your new-found faith by a love offering to Jesus? I do believe the Pastors are in dire need of something....but I forget what. Oh my word, silly me.
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 93
Join Date: Sep 2007
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Re: I need advice -
10-09-2007, 07:30 PM
I don't have a paypal account and my Internet usage is strictly monitored by my evil, liberal parents. Why yesterday...I caught them watching CNN! Disgusting! They control all of my money and surely won't allow me to donate...and they call themselves Christians.
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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,473
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, IA
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Re: I need advice -
10-09-2007, 07:51 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick
I don't have a paypal account and my Internet usage is strictly monitored by my evil, liberal parents. Why yesterday...I caught them watching CNN! Disgusting! They control all of my money and surely won't allow me to donate...and they call themselves Christians.
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Can't you sneak the credit cards from your Mommy or Daddy's wallet when they are sleeping? We accept all major credit cards.
GLORY!
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,555
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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Re: I need advice -
10-09-2007, 07:55 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick
I don't have a paypal account and my Internet usage is strictly monitored by my evil, liberal parents. Why yesterday...I caught them watching CNN! Disgusting! They control all of my money and surely won't allow me to donate...and they call themselves Christians.
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That to our Godly president even the underage can tithe against future earnings with a credit card. Please contact the Church office to arraing for a Landover Platinum card.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 93
Join Date: Sep 2007
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Re: I need advice -
10-10-2007, 12:03 PM
I'll be sure to do so. I intend to tithe 11% (Lord willing) as soon as my account is set up.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,198
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Baton Rouge, Louisiana
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Re: I need advice -
10-11-2007, 12:05 PM
Y'all should contact one of our Pastors, perhaps the Godly Pastor Pistle, to arrange a tithing plan. They were very helpful in showing those plans to my Daddy and even mailing a copy to my man in Iraq. Salvation ain't something to take lightly. Eternity is a long time!
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 93
Join Date: Sep 2007
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Re: I need advice -
10-11-2007, 03:13 PM
Will do. I'm monitoring suspicious Wiccan activity locally and I'll report back with my findings.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,840
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nice house on Nob Hill
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Re: I need advice -
10-11-2007, 06:57 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick
Will do. I'm monitoring suspicious Wiccan activity locally and I'll report back with my findings.
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This is good news Andrew, we are waiting to hear. How are things going at that lieberal public school you attend? Have your friends dropped you like a hot potato? Are heathens and wiccans starting to look at you funny, and avoid you in the corridors and cafeteria? Do students and teachers now ignore you in the classrooms? If the answer is yes, then you know you are on the long road to salvation in Jesus! Praise!
1st Timothy 2: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
1st Timothy 2: 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works ...
1 Timothy 5: 16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed ...
Proverbs 31: 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness ...
Proverbs 31: 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness ...
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 93
Join Date: Sep 2007
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Re: I need advice -
10-15-2007, 12:02 PM
Dear Landover Baptist Church,
I have come to realize that I can not comply with all of the Terms of Service. Your guidance has been most helpful and I thank you for what you've done. However, I have found another, more righteous church locally, and they have advised me to move on. Thank you for your time and guidance. You have all been most helpful and I am entirely grateful.
YIC,
-Andrew
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: I need advice -
10-15-2007, 12:10 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick
Dear Landover Baptist Church,
I have come to realize that I can not comply with all of the Terms of Service. Your guidance has been most helpful and I thank you for what you've done. However, I have found another, more righteous church locally, and they have advised me to move on. Thank you for your time and guidance. You have all been most helpful and I am entirely grateful.
YIC,
-Andrew
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And may I inquire as to the name of this "more righteous church"?
Whoever they are, I can promise you that Landover Baptist is the ONLY Church that follows the Holy Bible literally, word-for-word. All the others will do nothing put grease you up and prepare you for satan's eternal raperooms.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 93
Join Date: Sep 2007
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Re: I need advice -
10-15-2007, 12:18 PM
No you may not. I was told I would have to "sell your kidneys to pay for the lawsuit" if I mentioned their name off church property. Security reasons, you know.
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: I need advice -
10-15-2007, 12:26 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick
No you may not. I was told I would have to "sell your kidneys to pay for the lawsuit" if I mentioned their name off church property. Security reasons, you know.
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That sounds like a brutal, unfeeling mob of bullies if you ask me. Landover Baptist spreads Christ's Love.
At any rate, the DOF is all over this.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 93
Join Date: Sep 2007
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Re: I need advice -
10-15-2007, 12:49 PM
Well, if the DOF is "all over this", you should have their name and location in no time. Besides, I said I was appriciative of your guidance. No hard feelings?
P.S. Is calling people "niggardly penny-pinching joos" part of Christ's love?
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: I need advice -
10-15-2007, 01:02 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick
Well, if the DOF is "all over this", you should have their name and location in no time. Besides, I said I was appriciative of your guidance. No hard feelings?
P.S. Is calling people "niggardly penny-pinching joos" part of Christ's love?
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Son, be honest now. Have you ever even heard of a joo who wasn't niggardly, and penny-pinching?
Jesus demands that we be honest and call a spade a spade. He doesn't want us to sugar coat the world. That would be mean and hateful, as the false Christians are.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Unsaved trash, hippie dopehead
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Posts: 156
Join Date: Nov 2006
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Re: I need advice -
10-15-2007, 01:04 PM
Don't take advice from these doorknobs.
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