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The introduction forum Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.

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(#21)
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Spanky Spanky is offline
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Default Re: Knowledge is power. - 10-01-2006, 07:27 AM

I've never given money to a church before. I have done some bad things according to your KJV(1611) bible that you guys quote from. Will Landover Baptist forgive me and help me get to heaven?
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(#22)
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Brother Temperance Brother Temperance is offline
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Default Re: Knowledge is power. - 10-01-2006, 11:45 AM

10% of your income is the absolute minimum. Anything less than that doesn't even count. And of course, only giving the minimum does make you look like you have suspiciously Semitic tendencies. By the way, however did you acquire the name "Spanky"?


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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(#23)
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Spanky Spanky is offline
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Default Re: Knowledge is power. - 10-01-2006, 04:51 PM

I must add moneis from my visa card to cover that this month as I am in much debt. Kids called me Spanky when I was little and they never stopped...
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(#24)
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Talitha Talitha is offline
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Default Re: Knowledge is power. - 10-01-2006, 07:52 PM

Spanky doesn't sound a very Christian™ name to me.

Are you some depraved Homer or do you come to find Jesus©?



Sister Talitha

Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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(#25)
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Andreas Andreas is offline
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Default Re: Knowledge is power. - 10-01-2006, 08:02 PM

Quote:
Spanky doesn't sound a very Christian™ name to me.

Are you some depraved Homer or do you come to find Jesus©?
Who named you Talitha anyway. It doesn't sound like common British name to me.


Soon in Christ
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(#26)
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Spanky Spanky is offline
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Default Re: Knowledge is power. - 10-01-2006, 08:16 PM

I guess I am a Homer but I don't know what that means...
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(#27)
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Andreas Andreas is offline
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Default Re: Knowledge is power. - 10-01-2006, 08:19 PM

Quote:
I guess I am a Homer but I don't know what that means...
It means obsessed with the Simpsons.


Soon in Christ
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(#28)
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Enobarbus Enobarbus is offline
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Enobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: Knowledge is power. - 10-01-2006, 08:22 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andreas View Post
Who named you Talitha anyway. It doesn't sound like common British name to me.
Talitha is Sister Talitha's born again name that was assigned her after she achieved True Chrisitianhood™, and chosen only after a lot of deliberation, and prayer.

And when are you going to stop asking silly questions and start paying more attention to the good of your soul, Andreas?


Revelation 21:8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.
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(#29)
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Andreas Andreas is offline
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Default Re: Knowledge is power. - 10-01-2006, 08:24 PM

Quote:
Talitha is Sister Talitha's born again name that was assigned her after she achieved True Chrisitianhood™, and chosen only after a lot of deliberation, and prayer.

And when are you going to stop asking silly questions and start paying more attention to the good of your soul, Andreas?
I don't believe in the concept of soul. It's just brain and when it dies, it dies.


Soon in Christ
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(#30)
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Enobarbus Enobarbus is offline
Professor of English Landover University
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Enobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: Knowledge is power. - 10-01-2006, 08:25 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spanky View Post
I guess I am a Homer but I don't know what that means...
A homer is someone who indulges in the abomination of same-gender sexual relationships and therefore is on the road to perdition.


Revelation 21:8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.
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(#31)
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Enobarbus Enobarbus is offline
Professor of English Landover University
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Enobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureEnobarbus has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: Knowledge is power. - 10-01-2006, 08:40 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spanky View Post
I posted some cash in the paypal account, am I good to go now?
Salvation comes not only through tithing (although that is very important) but through repentance and accepting the Lord as your Saviour©.

You will need to get all your financial papers, credit cards, etc, together and make an appointment with a Pastor about one of our affordable salvation schemes.

But don't forget the repentance either.


Revelation 21:8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.
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(#32)
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Pastor Al E Pistle Pastor Al E Pistle is offline
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Default Re: Is Andreas a complete idiot? - 10-01-2006, 08:41 PM

Someone tithed ONE DOLLAR. Which of you homers is stealing the REST of JESUS' money?


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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(#33)
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Andreas Andreas is offline
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Default Re: Is Andreas a complete idiot? - 10-01-2006, 08:43 PM

Who renamed this thread?


Soon in Christ
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(#34)
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Spanky Spanky is offline
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Default Re: Is Andreas a complete idiot? - 10-01-2006, 09:11 PM

I have paystubs, W2's, tax documents, and receipts from all of last year. How would I go about making an appointment?
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Default Re: Is Andreas a complete idiot? - 10-01-2006, 09:14 PM

Send them all to

The United States Department of Faith,
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Mail stop LBC
Washington, DC 20500
USA


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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(#36)
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Spanky Spanky is offline
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Default Re: Is Andreas a complete idiot? - 10-01-2006, 09:19 PM

That is the address to the White House, what does that have to do with my tithing. I will prepare all the documents but please give my a valid address...
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(#37)
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Default Re: Is Andreas a complete idiot? - 10-01-2006, 09:25 PM

Are you suggesting the White House doesn't have a valid address?


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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(#38)
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Spanky Spanky is offline
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Default Re: Is Andreas a complete idiot? - 10-01-2006, 09:38 PM

Yeah, but I don't want to send my personal documents to the White House but rather Landover Baptist Church. I don't understand the validity in sending them to the White House...
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Default Re: Is Andreas a complete idiot? - 10-01-2006, 09:44 PM

All of our mail goes to that address and is opened by Department of Faith personnel in a specially constructed laboratory. There was a problem with anthrax once and we took the necessary precautions.


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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(#40)
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Spanky Spanky is offline
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Default Re: Is Andreas a complete idiot? - 10-01-2006, 09:47 PM

Fine, I will get the documents ready and mail them tomorrow. Is it possible to get an appointment with a pastor to follow through with a plan of Salvation.
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