[FreeFromBrains]

Re: Manly Jokes

The man ducked.

Did she not see it? How come she didn't notice the guy ducking?

[Dipper Dude]

Re: Manly Jokes

Sitting with the old man.
"You can't touch that" I shouted.
"Why the piffle not" came the reply.
"Because you're piffleing black, you!" I told him.


Chess has become frustrating since my old man got Alzheimers.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Manly Jokes

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

Number one, you have to be single and number 2, you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Methodist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on my way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Manly Jokes

I was at a Pastor's Retreat in Tahiti last week and there was an elderly Pastor who told these jokes.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

[Paragon of virtue]

Re: Manly Jokes

Another good one making the rounds:

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

...also the father spanked her after the incident and informed her husband, who also spanked her.

[SamuelB]

Re: Manly Jokes

Q: Do you wanna hear a joke?
A: Women's Rights.

Q: Why shouldn't women have driver's licenses?
A: There's no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom.

[SamuelB]

Re: Manly Jokes

Excuse me pastor, I have a question, why are you such a sexist homophobic racist good christian?

Hey,Friend. No need for such language

Fear of the queers is rational thinking for any good Christian Leviticus 18:22 - Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination

As for the sexism, it helps to keep the women in line. we dont want women walking around thinking they have the same rights as men

anyway you really should introduce your self friend : http://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumdisplay.php?f=16

Your Brother in Christ,
Samuel.B

[the unknown prophet]

Re: Manly Jokes

Q) How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A) I don't know, all I know is that it takes fewer men!

[Lannah Aikens]

Re: Manly Jokes

Women are like tea bags. You never know how strong one is until she's in hot water.

Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like blenders. You need one but you're not sure why.
Men are like commercials. You can't believe all they say.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like parking spots- all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I would make a joke about Pastor Ezekial, but I can only make jokes about men on here.

[Lannah Aikens]

Re: Manly Jokes

Hey,Friend. No need for such language

Fear of the queers is rational thinking for any good Christian Leviticus 18:22 - Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination

As for the sexism, it helps to keep the women in line. we dont want women walking around thinking they have the same rights as men

anyway you really should introduce your self friend : http://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumdisplay.php?f=16

Your Brother in Christ,
Samuel.B

So who keeps men in line, Samuel? Oh yeah, you don't know what a line is because your education doesn't go that far

[the unknown prophet]

Re: Manly Jokes

Women are like tea bags. You never know how strong one is until she's in hot water.

Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like blenders. You need one but you're not sure why.
Men are like commercials. You can't believe all they say.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like parking spots- all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I would make a joke about Pastor Ezekial, but I can only make jokes about men on here.

And what are you doing in the Promise Enforcers - MEN ONLY! forum? The point of telling jokes it to get people to laugh at your jokes, and not at you. Your purpose in coming here was apparently the opposite, correct if me I'm wrong.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Manly Jokes

Little Rastus goes out to play and finds a tin of white paint. He pours this out and gets covered in the stuff. He returns home to a beating. As he goes to his room sobbing, he calls back, “I’ve been white for five minutes and I understand why white folk hate you nigras.”

[James Hutchins]

Re: Manly Jokes

A little boy and a pedophilepriest are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,
"MisterFather, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."
The pedophilepriestreplies "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

[James Hutchins]

Re: Manly Jokes

An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says.
One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?."
"I know these things," replied the Indian.
They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks."
"How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again.
"I know these things."
After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come."
"How'd you know that!?"
"Ear wet."

[James Hutchins]

Re: Manly Jokes

The Pope calls his mother right after being elected Pope.
Pope: Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Mother: What's the good news?
Pope: I've just been elected Pope.
Mother: What's the bad news? Pope: I have to move into an Italian neighborhood.