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Super Moderator Beloved Church Elder World's Greatest Father and Grandfather
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Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
03-04-2011, 05:13 PM
Home pregnancy tests are tools of Satan, ladies. They are blasphemous and guarantee the test-taker's place in hell. You should never use science to uncover God's plans.
In order to take a pregnancy test, a women must urinate all over it. Only wild animals and Germans are so imprudent with their urine. After several minutes, the test will display the results. Typically two lines indicate that test-taker is with child, and one line means that she is a barren whore.
Now, I was curious as to how pregnancy tests work. I called my physician and was told that they "look for the beta subunit of HCG in urine." I became infuriated by his medical jargon and told him to "yank my subunit" before hanging up. So I still have no idea how these tests work.
Ladies, what makes you think you might be pregnant anyway? A missed period? Nausea? Fatigue? These are commonly misunderstood "symptoms."
Missed Period
God took special care when he created mankind. Womenfolk, on the other hand, were an afterthought. Consequently, they have a lot of glitches, such as late or missing periods and not being able to follow the plot of a political thriller.
Nausea/Vomiting
You recently copulated. You've been a naughty harlot and should be feeling sick to your stomach. Your vomiting is a natural reaction to guilt and shame. Jesus is probably puking right along with you.
Tiredness
You women should be cooking, cleaning, sewing, doing laundry, grocery shopping, and tending to men and children around the clock. Couple this with the fact that you're weak. Of course you feel tired. Also, God wants you to be exhausted so it's easier for your man to beat you.
There's another danger to using home pregnancy tests. Let's face it. You women are horrible at following directions. You're also licentious by nature and have no self-control. How many of these pregnancy tests do you think just end up being used for self-gratification and further enraging God? I think "a gazillion" is a conservative estimate. So stay away from them.
If you just can't wait, there's only one rational way to find out if you're pregnant--pray to God, and He'll send tiny angels in spelunking gear into your uterus to find out the answer. Praise be.
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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
03-04-2011, 07:42 PM
Brother, personally I would never trust a woman to take a home pregnancy test. She will probably make a very stupid mistake and go potty on something she thought was a "devil stick".
I think if a woman suspects she is pregnant a man should drive her to a male doctor where HE can run a test that can be trusted.
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Super Moderator Beloved Church Elder World's Greatest Father and Grandfather
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
03-04-2011, 07:59 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy Mae Johnson
I think if a woman suspects she is pregnant a man should driver her to a male doctor where HE can run a test that can be trusted.
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I am outraged that you are ignoring my sagely advice. I clearly stated that prayer is the only recourse.
Women, do NOT trust doctors. Ask yourself this: why are doctors so obsessed with urine, feces, and the like? They or their wicked contraptions are always taking samples of repulsive bodily by-products. Sampling a cheesy chicken casserole is normal. Getting a sample of anal tissue is not. Doctors are perverts.
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
03-05-2011, 05:10 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet
Women, do NOT trust doctors. Ask yourself this: why are doctors so obsessed with urine, feces, and the like? They or their wicked contraptions are always taking samples of repulsive bodily by-products. Sampling a cheesy chicken casserole is normal. Getting a sample of anal tissue is not. Doctors are perverts.
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Amen brother. It is just revolting how these secular doctors are constantly looking for new reasons to shove things up a woman's cooter. And gynecologists are the worst of the lot.
Being with child is a mysterious, Blessed event, and must never be besmirched with bizzarre devices designed by satan being stuck in a woman's sinful places.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Winning Souls in his Winnebago
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: travelling the heartland in my Winnebago.
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
03-05-2011, 11:24 AM
There are only 2 ways a woman can become pregnant, Via intervention of the Lord through prayer or the woman acting the wanton slut. Why does one need to pee on a stick to let her know she had participated in either activity.
1 Chronicles 16:15
Be ye mindful always of his covenant; the word which he commanded to a thousand generations ... an everlasting covenant.
Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.
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Walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
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Posts: 15,223
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Thong-infested Florida©
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
03-05-2011, 03:07 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet
Home pregnancy tests are tools of Satan, ladies. ~snip~ Praise be.
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Amen, Brother Hatchet! It's almost as if secular "doctors" are trying to indoctrinate us into their scatological golden shower lifestyle.
Not me!
"But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?" ( 2 Kings 18:27)
Yours in Christ,
Z. Smyth
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True Christian™ Just a Regular Nice Guy
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Location: Between Lynchburg and Walton's Mountain
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
03-05-2011, 06:50 PM
In the Hutchins home, we have a simple rule. 30 days after producing a Soldier for Jesus®, Mrs. Hutchins is expected to be 'baking another one'. Period. If in nine months a baby is not produced, she will answer to my switch. We use the 'test of time'.
My wife is no mooslime nor a dog and does need to 'mark a spot'.
Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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True Christian™ Princess The Driving Force behind RA12 Have at it, anytime!
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
03-05-2011, 06:53 PM
I thought it was a Lollipop. Am I going to get Pregnant?
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Master of Biblical Study and Ancient Languages With Jesus now.
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
03-06-2011, 12:21 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SUV
I thought it was a Lollipop. Am I going to get Pregnant?
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They come in flavors??????????? I think my life is too secluded.
YiJC, BS
II Peter 1:4 -- Whereby are giuen vnto vs exceeding great and precious promises, that by these you might bee partakers of thy diuine nature, hauing escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
03-07-2011, 02:01 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Benedict A. Davis
There are only 2 ways a woman can become pregnant, Via intervention of the Lord through prayer or the woman acting the wanton slut. Why does one need to pee on a stick to let her know she had participated in either activity.
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Glory, having never become preggers by the Lord, it has always been cause I was a bit of a slut. I never use those things, I just wait a few months, if I get as big as a house, well I did it again.
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Unsaved trash
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
04-10-2011, 06:50 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet
You women should be cooking, cleaning, sewing, doing laundry, grocery shopping, and tending to men and children around the clock. Couple this with the fact that you're weak. Of course you feel tired. Also, God wants you to be exhausted so it's easier for your man to beat you.
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YOU REALLY ARE AN IDIOT.
WOMEN ARE NOT WEAK.
IF WE WERE WEAK, THEN HOW WOULD WE GIVE BIRTH.
IF WOMEN WERE WEAK, YOU WOULDN'T BE ALIVE.
MEN SHOULDN'T BEAT WOMEN, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
YOU SIR, ARE A BIG piffleING IDIOT.
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Family Man of the Year 2010-2013 About as Straight and Manly as you can get Hates anal sex. And trees.
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Posts: 8,323
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Protecting my children from homosexuals
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
04-10-2011, 07:03 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by vat_vat
YOU REALLY ARE AN IDIOT.
WOMEN ARE NOT WEAK.
IF WE WERE WEAK, THEN HOW WOULD WE GIVE BIRTH.
IF WOMEN WERE WEAK, YOU WOULDN'T BE ALIVE.
MEN SHOULDN'T BEAT WOMEN, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
YOU SIR, ARE A BIG piffleING IDIOT.
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If women are so strong, why give them special privileges when it comes to being beaten?
It doesn't require strength to give birth. Just pain.
The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!
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Ladies of Landover Senior VP One of the Truest Christians™ Ever Mama Grizzly and formerly Sister Mary Maria
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
04-11-2011, 08:01 PM
"Scientists" just can't stop coming up with ways to corrupt our youth! It's like all they do in their "labs" all day is think, "How can we anger God and/or put things in or around innocent girls' cooters today?"
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Recovering Bastard Head of Landover Glee Club
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
04-11-2011, 11:33 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by vat_vat
YOU REALLY ARE AN IDIOT.
WOMEN ARE NOT WEAK.
IF WE WERE WEAK, THEN HOW WOULD WE GIVE BIRTH.
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You don't have to be strong to give birth!
Women just lie there until the baby comes out, big deal. It's like taking a dump.
What a drama queen.
The vine is dried up, and the fig tree languisheth; the pomegranate tree, the palm tree also, and the apple tree, even all the trees of the field, are withered: because joy is withered away from the sons of men.~Joel 1:12
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Righteous and Patriotic Highest body count at the VFW
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
04-11-2011, 11:47 PM
How exactly does sticking one of these things inside themselves tell them they are pregnant? These dont vibrate do they?
God bless America, the Second Amendment and the Constitution. God bless the United States Marine Corps and all who fight for Jesus in third world cess pools. God bless the GOP and all they stand for, Truth, Honesty and the American people. God bless Landover Baptist Church and all True Christians™ the world over. Curses to our Muslim President, his failure is our Salvation.
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Master of Biblical Study and Ancient Languages With Jesus now.
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
04-12-2011, 01:12 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marshall
How exactly does sticking one of these things inside themselves tell them they are pregnant? These dont vibrate do they?
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Brother Marshall, the Love of My Life tells me you aren't going to like the answer. She started to explain and I had to shut her down. It was revolting what practitioners of that pseudoscience tell women to do for results. I sent her to the prayer closet for just the little she revealed. Trust me, it would cause a Marine to blush.
YiJC, BS
II Peter 1:4 -- Whereby are giuen vnto vs exceeding great and precious promises, that by these you might bee partakers of thy diuine nature, hauing escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
04-19-2011, 04:41 AM
Why are there these things? A woman should always care for herself as if she were pregnant. If there is a doubt, then another attempt should be made. Until she shows, the seed must be sown.
The best way to turn a dishwasher into a snowblower. . . . .
Give her a shovel.
Proverbs 5:19 A husband's commandment! And wives must comply.
19Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
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Fourm Member
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Re: Home Pregnancy Tests: Devil Sticks -
04-19-2011, 07:24 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by vat_vat
YOU REALLY ARE AN IDIOT.
WOMEN ARE NOT WEAK.
IF WE WERE WEAK, THEN HOW WOULD WE GIVE BIRTH.
IF WOMEN WERE WEAK, YOU WOULDN'T BE ALIVE.
MEN SHOULDN'T BEAT WOMEN, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
YOU SIR, ARE A BIG piffleING IDIOT.
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Yep, women are so strong that they INCREASED the tests that women have to pass to get physical jobs. Oh wait, that's not right..... it was DECREASE, wasn't it
Women cops, firemen and paramedics are nothing but a waste of taxpayers money and a pain in the butt for any man that has to be saddled with one, because he's stuck doing twice the work he would normally have to.
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Back on topic......
After reading about this and breastfeeding, I'm starting to understand why God isn't letting me get pregnant. I admit, I've used them, I'm sorry.
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