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Jeb Stuart Thurmond Jeb Stuart Thurmond is offline
Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
 

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Smile THIS DAY IN CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN HISTORY: February 15th - 02-15-2013, 03:35 AM

590 – Khosrau II is crowned king of Persia. With no American intervention, he goes about his own business, directly resulting in today's Iranian uppityness.

1113 – Pope Paschal II issued a bill sanctioning the establishment of the Order of Hospitallers. Yet despite all these "hospitals", there is still disease and injury today - time to ditch collectivist altruism, and tell the sick to take personal responsibility, and "pick up their beds and walk", as Jesus did.

1493 – While on board the Niña, Christopher Columbus writes an open letter about the New World. Not worth reading if it was more than 140 characters.

1764 – The city of St. Louis, Missouri is established. Quickly becomes a cesspool of left-wing immigrants who don't bother to learn English. Under their own initiative, they armed and organized themselves, and waged war against White Anglo Saxon Protestants. Had it not been for these immigrants, the Mississippi River would have fallen into Confederate hands without a shot being fired, and the War of Northern Aggression would have been won.



Almost a quarter of the Northern Army consisted of krauts, then called "the damn dutch". Today it's called "Obama's demographic advantage", but REAL AMERICANS know what it really is: foreign invasion!

1805: Elitist, ivory tower call-ages attack America: Harvard University allows the first Unitarian professor to teach there. Soon after, the Trinitarian Congregationalist teachers began withdrawing from the school, and in 1808 established Andover Theological Seminary. Back then it was just heretics persecuting heretics, but we failed to nip it in the bud and now the coastal elitists are oppressing us all.

1812: At Governor Elbridge Gerry's behest, Massachusetts is redistricted to give conservatives an advantage in the election of State legislators. One salamander shaped new district, inspires the word "gerrymander".



Liberals whine about gerrymandering non-stop, forgetting What The Bible Says About Democracy.

1862 – War of Yankee Agression: General Ulysses S. Grant attacks Fort Donelson, Tennessee. Just there for the whiskey, no doubt.

1879 – American President Rutherford B. Hayes signs a bill allowing female attorneys to argue cases before the Supreme Court of the United States. This is in direct violation of 1 Timothy 2:12 and is the direct cause of today's lack of morals.

1898 – Fidel Castro sinks the USS Maine killing more than 260.

1902 - Belgium: Police beats up universal suffrage demonstrators in Brussels. Take that ACORNazis!

1909 – The Flores Theater fire in Acapulco, Mexico kills 250. God's punishment for excessive fire regulations.

1916 - Emma Goldman is arrested for lecturing on birth control, NYC. Here's my better lecture on babykilling: DON'T!

1932 - Proto-devil-rockers Duke Ellington & his orchestra records "Creole Love Call." ("Duke" Ellington's name is just as fake as Martin Luther "King".)

1933 – In Miami, Florida, Giuseppe Zangara attempts to assassinate President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt, but instead shoots Chicago mayor Anton J. Cermak, who dies of his wounds on March 6, 1933. We do not endorse these sorts of acts of right-wing extremism. Got that, trolls? Instead of picking on us, why not pick on the REAL right-wing extremists?

1942 – Singapore: 80,000 Indian, United Kingdom and Australian soldiers surrender like the pansy surrender monkies they are.

1944 – World War II: The assault on Monte Cassino, Italy, begins. To this day the Catholics still whine about us bombing their bling-palace cathouse "monastery". If you can't take the collateral damage, you shouldn't have built your monastery in a war-zone, losers.

1946 – ENIAC, the first electronic general-purpose computer, is invented by porn-seeking perverts.

1948 - Russia: The Central Committee of the CPSU rebukes Khatchaturian, Prokoviev & Shostakovich for "bourgeois decadence." What weird rhetoric, the proper term is "elitist pu$$y", or "Boutique-liberal wimp" etc. etc.

1949 – Gerald Lankester Harding and Roland de Vaux begin excavations at Cave 1 of the Qumran Caves, where they will eventually discover the first seven Dead Sea Scrolls. What a waste of time - if it agrees with the King James Version it's redundant, and it it disagrees, it's garbage anyway. Unless you're digging it up to burn it, don't bother.

1949: Russian-born English chemist and Zionist leader Chaim Weizmann, 74, was elected first president of the newly restored modern state of Israel. More than 60 years and they still haven't conquered the Middle East as the Book of Joshua commands. Trust an immigrant to mess everything up! They should have put a Bush in charge.

Quote:
Originally Posted by God
1:3 Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you, as I said unto Moses.
1:4 From the wilderness and this Lebanon even unto the great river, the river Euphrates, all the land of the Hittites, and unto the great sea toward the going down of the sun, shall be your coast.
1950 -- Albert Einstein calls for international control of atomic weapons. What an idiot.

1954 – Canada and the United States agree to construct the Distant Early Warning Line, a system of radar stations in the far northern Arctic regions of Canada and Alaska. A typical government boondoggle, it's based on the assumption that the world is round. A quick Bible reading would have prevented this.

1961 – Sabena Flight 548 crashes in Belgium, killing 73, including the entire United States figure skating team, several coaches and family members. God was punishing them for their slutty clothes:

Quote:

You think you can't get raped on ice?
1965 – A new red-and-white maple leaf design is adopted as the flag of Canada:



1970 – A Dominican DC-9 crashes into the sea during takeoff from Santo Domingo, killing 102. God saves America from an entire flight of illegal immigrants and their anchor babies. PROOF that prayer works!

1971 --Treaty on non-militarization of sea bed signed. Great, so now terrorists can simply walk along the seabed to invade us. At the time I was this close to getting a 15 million dollar contract to train attack-lobsters.

1972 – Sound recordings are granted U.S. federal copyright protection for the first time. Now Napster has destroyed the music industry, so we are back to the dark ages of pre-1972 music.

1972 – José María Velasco Ibarra, serving as President of Ecuador for the fifth time, is overthrown by the military for the fourth time. Note for all SprayTan Republicans: military coups work well with our Hispandering strategy.

1976 – The 1976 Constitution of Cuba is adopted by national referendum. On the Anniversary of Fidel Castro's bombing of the USS Maine - COINCIDENCE?

1979 – Don Dunstan resigns as Premier of South Australia, ending a decade of sweeping social liberalization. No wonder Australia is a barren wasteland full of baby-eating dingos.

1982 – The drilling rig Ocean Ranger sinks during a storm off the coast of Newfoundland, killing 84 workers. Newfoundlanders are freakish foreigners who don't belong on this continent. They actually put turkey stuffing on their freedom fries. And gravy. No wonder God chose to punish them.

1985 - The U.S. Rabbinical Assembly of Conservative Judaism announced their decision to begin accepting women as rabbis. "Conservative Judaism" -HA!

1987 - Reagan tells the Tower Commission that he did not approve arms sales to Iran. Technically a "lie", but more truthfully a case of him saying what was in his heart.

1989 – The Soviet Union officially announces that all of its troops have left Afghanistan. Typical cutting and running from a bunch of surrender monkies. And after all the lend-lease we sent them, too.

1991 – The Visegrád Agreement, establishing cooperation to move toward free-market systems, is signed by the leaders of Czechoslovakia, Hungary and Poland. Obviously they didn't abide by it, since the only successful businessman from that part of the world I can think of is a man named "Rocco"...

1996 – At the Xichang Satellite Launch Center in China, a Long March 3 rocket, carrying an Intelsat 708, crashes into a rural village after liftoff, killing many people. Obviously it crashed into the firmament. They should have faked it with Hollywood special effects like NASA does.

2001 – First draft of the complete human genome is published in Nature. Duh, we already know what people are made of, the Bible Tells us. Women are made from men's ribs, and men are made from mud that God breathed on.

2003 – Protests against the Iraq war take place in over 600 cities worldwide. It is estimated that between 8 million to 30 million people participate, making this the largest demonstration in history - until 9 million to 31 million Iraqis greeted us with flowers and dance in the streets because we liberated them. (Yes WE liberated them, I played my part with a bumper sticker).


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Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 02-15-2013 at 01:26 PM.
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