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Default Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 03:29 PM

I am writing to inform you all that I will unfortunately not be able to attend Church for the next few weeks. As I was wandering around my house, thinking up an imprecatory prayer imploring God to destroy Poland utterly, my left foot was savagely attacked by a sharp object, no doubt left lying around by liberal jihadis to try and put me out of action. While I have grown used to seeing life as a struggle, and encountering constant hostility from the secular world, I must admit that I had grown used to thinking of my floor as being neutral, or even an ally in this struggle, so for it to savage my foot like some kind of wild Arab came as quite a shock.
Anyway, as a result of the agonising pain which shoots through my body whenever I rest my weight on my left leg, I am currently walking with a pronounced limp, and as we all know:

Leviticus 21:17 Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.
18 For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,
19 Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded...

I'm pretty sure I currently count as brokenfooted, and even if I don't, I thought better to play it safe than to provoke the Lord to smite me as He did Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu. So, until my foot heals, I won't be able to attend Church. Don't worry though, until I'm able to attend Church again, I will be tripling my usual tithe as a way of both apologising to the Lord for whatever I did to provoke Him into smiting my foot, and thanking Him for not simply obliterating me in a huge ball of deathpainfire, as He so easily could have. PRAISE!

Yours In Christ,
Brother "Cripplefoot" Temperance


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 03:39 PM

Never fear Brother. We will cover for you.
The Lord is VERY strict about Crippers (even temporary one's) and the like and we certainly don't want any Bolts of Lightning hitting the church on Sunday.



Sister Talitha

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being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 03:46 PM

I will pray for your speedy recovery, brother Temperance.
Let us hope that such is God's will and that we will soon see you in Church again.
Praise Jesus!

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.
The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
James 5:16


If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13

Last edited by SalvationSeeker; 05-01-2007 at 03:59 PM.
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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 03:48 PM

I always hate it when you bring up these verses.

I DON"T WANNA GO TO CHURCH ANYWAY!


I am on the adventure of a lifetime! This is even better than the time I used the plastic stones!
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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 03:49 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Temperance View Post
Leviticus 21:17 Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.
18 For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,
19 Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded...
What's the Lord's take on Joo noses?



Sister Talitha

Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 03:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Star Finder View Post
I always hate it when you bring up these verses.

I DON"T WANNA GO TO CHURCH ANYWAY!
Don't you want your brokens stones (not those you worship! but those that are.. attached to you. ) healed by Jesus, however?
Jesus could heal them, if you give Him a reason, such as a big love offering..
Hit the PayPal button and make amends for your sins against Jesus, and MAYBE He will grant you a blessing. (ie in your case, healed stones.)


If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 03:55 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
What's the Lord's take on Joo noses?
That line about "any thing superfluous" is also why negroid folk are not allowed in Church until they've had the reduction surgery.


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Enobarbus Enobarbus is offline
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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 03:58 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
What's the Lord's take on Joo noses?
My goodness Sister, perhaps the Lord is sending us a message. It had never occurred to me before, but that anything superfluous has serious implications for Brother V. Perhaps we should advance his penis reduction surgery to the top of the benefit fund's priority immediately.


Revelation 21:8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.
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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 03:58 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your foot Brother.

To help you get better, I will be bringing over some rabbit casserole and a giant pot roast.

I'll also be praying for your speedy recovery.

Lve, Sister Thumper




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Enobarbus Enobarbus is offline
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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 04:01 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Temperance View Post
That line about "any thing superfluous" is also why negroid folk are not allowed in Church until they've had the reduction surgery.
We cross-posted Brother. But let me say that perhaps I should have mentioned this earlier, but there is no doubt that sharp objects on floors, and particularly drawing pins, are often used by Satan to temporarily cripple True Christians™.


Revelation 21:8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.
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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 09:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SalvationSeeker View Post
Don't you want your brokens stones (not those you worship! but those that are.. attached to you. ) healed by Jesus, however?
Jesus could heal them, if you give Him a reason, such as a big love offering..
Hit the PayPal button and make amends for your sins against Jesus, and MAYBE He will grant you a blessing. (ie in your case, healed stones.)
I'm still of the opinion that SF just needs to have them removed.

After all,

Matthew 19:12
For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

They're already broken; why not just be rid of them, and become Landover's very own eunuch for the Lord?

Last edited by OnYourKnees; 05-01-2007 at 09:25 PM.
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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 09:39 PM

I will Certainly miss Bro. Temper in Church and Trust he will be back quicker'n Creation!
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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 10:27 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SUV View Post
I will Certainly miss Bro. Temper in Church and Trust he will be back quicker'n Creation!
At this rate Sister Sue, It's going to be just us Ladies of Landover in Church on Sunday.
All this talk of having to reduce Tallywhackers in size.



Sister Talitha

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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-01-2007, 11:28 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
At this rate Sister Sue, It's going to be just us Ladies of Landover in Church on Sunday.
All this talk of having to reduce Tallywhackers in size.
Ah so, Sister. Maybe there's a correlation, then, with....what you mentioned last....and our Mens' fondness for those extra-large Christian-style eyeglasses. Must add a sense of 'balance' as it were....
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SalvationSeeker SalvationSeeker is offline
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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-02-2007, 12:46 AM

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Originally Posted by OnYourKnees View Post
I'm still of the opinion that SF just needs to have them removed.

After all,

Matthew 19:12
For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

They're already broken; why not just be rid of them, and become Landover's very own eunuch for the Lord?
I don't know, brother OYK..
God already took his stones (or most of them atleast) and as such he doesn't really fit any of those..

Either that, or he removed them himself with his sinful rock-worshipping ways.
(When he sat down on his homemade trashcan rocket and it blew up.)

In any case, it wasn't his intention to give them up.. Thus he is not a eunuch for the sake of Heaven.
So I think the most Godly thing to do is pray for them to be healed so THEN they can be properly removed!
Otherwise, it sounds too much like offering the Lord a blemished sheep for a sacrifice..
(Not that we need sacrifice anymore now since Jesus took that away with one sacrifice, but you get my point yes? )

Where is the personal sacrifice to God, what does He give up to gain the glory of Heaven when his stones are already broken?


If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-02-2007, 02:57 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
At this rate Sister Sue, It's going to be just us Ladies of Landover in Church on Sunday.
All this talk of having to reduce Tallywhackers in size.
Is it just me....or is everyone else thinking of Loreena Bobbitt too?


In order to be old & wise,you must first be young & stupid.
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OnYourKnees OnYourKnees is offline
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Default Re: Notification of absence from Church - 05-02-2007, 03:23 AM

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Originally Posted by SalvationSeeker View Post
Otherwise, it sounds too much like offering the Lord a blemished sheep for a sacrifice..
(Not that we need sacrifice anymore now since Jesus took that away with one sacrifice, but you get my point yes? )
So . . . we should sacrifice him?
Quote:
Where is the personal sacrifice to God, what does He give up to gain the glory of Heaven when his stones are already broken?
He could give a substantial endowment to the Church!
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