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Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow.

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Talitha's Avatar
Talitha Talitha is offline
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 11:51 AM

This was my reply to that ungrateful Mary Worshipper...........
Quote:
Originally Posted by compassionate Talitha

My Dear Mary Worshipping Cattlicking Papist Pig.
While I wouldn't normally bother answering such a letter from an obvious trollop I feel it is my Christian duty to help you. Your plight reminds me of:

Exodus 23:
If thou meet thine enemy's ox or his assgoing astray, thou shalt surely bring it back to him again. If thou see the ass of him that hateth thee lying under his burden, and wouldest forbear to help him, thou shalt surely help with him. Thou shalt not wrest the judgment of thy poor in his cause.


My first suggestion is that I forward your letter to a Senior Pastor who is an expert in such matters. Perhaps then we can send a Team out and rescue from your captors.
Of course, you would have to renounce your Cannibalistic ways and your Lesbian style love of Mary but I'm sure with the right kind of True Christian™ help you can be Reborn to the love of Jesus Christ.
Yours in Christ
Sister Talitha
The rest (as they say) IS HISTORY.

By the way, I do NOT have a Drink OR Drug problem. A few Egg-Noggs with Sister SUV is all I am allowed. The white powder was just a misunderstanding.



Sister Talitha

Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Jeb Stuart Thurmond Jeb Stuart Thurmond is offline
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 03:42 PM

Okay, here's the tie-breaker question, for you both to answer. It's a tough one:

Quote:
I got back from camp this past Sunday. (i know its a little late) But it still counts. Anyways, I went to church camp this past week. And it was TOTALLY AWESOME!!! YEA-AH! lol Yep sry Im a lil excited at the moment. (YAY!) Yep there was a few people that got saved during camp.

On saturday night...(the last night) We had night church and then there was alter call. So me and my friend went up to pray. She has been having trouble gettin over her boyfriend of 1 1/2 years breakin up w/her in March. (Ya I know but thats another story in itself) But anyways, we went up there and she cried and I was there to help her somewhat. And I told her to give it all to God. So yeah...We went back and sat down in our pews and she starts crying again. So Im sitting behind her holding her and hugging her and tellin her that God will take care of it. Then I look at my friend Alisha and she has 'that look' on her face, so Im like, "Alisha? are you ok? do you wanna go up there?" and shes like no im fine im fine. And I just sat there and looked at her b/c I knew she needed and wanted to go. And finally shes like yes i want to go come w/me please. So im like OK! And so we went up there and before we make it to the stage she starts balling. And So im sittin there w/her and shes huggin me and cryin on me and im just tellin her give it all to God He can fix it beyond our imagination. He can make it a thousand times better than we could ever dream of fixing it. So Im tryin to get her to talk about it or at least give me some idea of whats wrong. (not that im tryin to be in her biz or nuttin I know that it helps to talk to someone bout stuff though). So we went back and Im tryin to calm her down and make sure shes breathing ok. (she has a lung thing or sumtin) But ya... my BFF is still cryin so I have one of my other friends w/her and talkin to her. Alishas friends are talkin to her then one of the girls from my church comes up and starts balling on my shoulder and so I made sure that Alishas friends were helpin her then I talked to Shai (my friend who goes 2 church w/me) And we sit there and talk for a lil bit. And then my cousin comes over to me and sits down and starts crying her eyes out! (so im sittin there w/a friend on the left arm, a cousin on the right, and lookin at alisha, and holdin my BFFs hand) AT THE SAME TIME!!! God was really stretching me thin that night. But its ok. So my one friend stops crying and is ok now. So now im tryin to figure out wats up w/my cousin C. And we sit there and talk for a while and then I see Alisha go BACK up to the alter, and so Im like Shai can you take care of C and talk to her while I go check on Alisha? And shes like yes. SO I go back up w/Alisha and shes still ballin her eyes out. And her friends finally go sit back down. And she starts talkin to me and shes like lets go to a corner so I can talk. And so we do. And shes tellin me all this stuff. ANd Im like have you told ur friends this yet? Shes like NO. And please dont tell them. So im like no I wont but you shoudl tell them so they know whats up and they can help you and be there for you. B/c I know they are your true friends and will be there for you. Plus you can always talk to me. And if not God is for sure always there no matter what! lol. But ya I think it helped her.
Then when we got up and walked back to our pews. I checked on my BFF and she was talkin to her friend. So she was ok then. So I check on my other friend and my cuz. And they are better so we all hug and they go outside. Well I was lookin around and seein of any of my guy friends were up there. (girls and boys wur separated during services, lol)
I saw my lil bros friend Ty up there so I go pray w/him b/c he was by himself. (keep in mind that I cant stand this kid and hes my bros annoying friend) But God was tellin me that I need to at least gp up there and pray w/him. So i did and he was crying. (this kid dont cry! like at all!) So I knew sumtin was up. So im like Ty if u need 2 talk u can talk 2 me. ok? ANd i just kept sayin that. And all of a sudden hes like "I dont know Jesus" Im like WHOA WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?! (sry but i was not expecting him to say that) And I smiled real big and im like "would you like to?" And hes like yes I would. he said he always used 2 act like he was saved but he really wasnt. So I helped him w/the salvation prayer. And I had the camp director come over and talk to him. And so YAY! lol After she was done talkn 2 him I was liek go tell my bro! Do IT!. lol And so hes like ok i will. And i was like ok. So we walked outside w/everyone else.
Anyways Sunday night at youth group. Well first we went to 'big' church. ANd told the adults bout our camp experience. And ya. Then we went back downstairs to have youth. Well after class one kid got rededicated and my other lil cuz DW got saved! and then my friend Justin got saved! WHOOHOOO! It was an awesome week! lemme tell ya!

LOl I thought I should share w/you how truly awesome God is and how HE WILL use you when you are ready. And how awesome it is to be one of His kids! WHOOOHOOO! (sry my lil Jesus high) lol

Well I guess thats it for now.

~God Bless~
Please do not exploit the fact that I haven't read much of it.


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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 03:51 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond View Post
Okay, here's the tie-breaker question, for you both to answer. It's a tough one:

Please do not exploit the fact that I haven't read much of it.
I just got as far as this:

Quote:
SO I go back up w/Alisha and shes still ballin her eyes out.
That person clearly needs some very good advice, quite urgently.


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Mrs. Mary Whitford's Avatar
Mrs. Mary Whitford Mrs. Mary Whitford is offline
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 11:19 PM

Quote:
I got back from camp this past Sunday. (i know its a little late) But it still counts. Anyways, I went to church camp this past week. And it was TOTALLY AWESOME!!! YEA-AH! lol Yep sry Im a lil excited at the moment. (YAY!) Yep there was a few people that got saved during camp.

On saturday night...(the last night) We had night church and then there was alter call. So me and my friend went up to pray. She has been having trouble gettin over her boyfriend of 1 1/2 years breakin up w/her in March. (Ya I know but thats another story in itself) But anyways, we went up there and she cried and I was there to help her somewhat. And I told her to give it all to God. So yeah...We went back and sat down in our pews and she starts crying again. So Im sitting behind her holding her and hugging her and tellin her that God will take care of it. Then I look at my friend Alisha and she has 'that look' on her face, so Im like, "Alisha? are you ok? do you wanna go up there?" and shes like no im fine im fine. And I just sat there and looked at her b/c I knew she needed and wanted to go. And finally shes like yes i want to go come w/me please. So im like OK! And so we went up there and before we make it to the stage she starts balling. And So im sittin there w/her and shes huggin me and cryin on me and im just tellin her give it all to God He can fix it beyond our imagination. He can make it a thousand times better than we could ever dream of fixing it. So Im tryin to get her to talk about it or at least give me some idea of whats wrong. (not that im tryin to be in her biz or nuttin I know that it helps to talk to someone bout stuff though). So we went back and Im tryin to calm her down and make sure shes breathing ok. (she has a lung thing or sumtin) But ya... my BFF is still cryin so I have one of my other friends w/her and talkin to her. Alishas friends are talkin to her then one of the girls from my church comes up and starts balling on my shoulder and so I made sure that Alishas friends were helpin her then I talked to Shai (my friend who goes 2 church w/me) And we sit there and talk for a lil bit. And then my cousin comes over to me and sits down and starts crying her eyes out! (so im sittin there w/a friend on the left arm, a cousin on the right, and lookin at alisha, and holdin my BFFs hand) AT THE SAME TIME!!! God was really stretching me thin that night. But its ok. So my one friend stops crying and is ok now. So now im tryin to figure out wats up w/my cousin C. And we sit there and talk for a while and then I see Alisha go BACK up to the alter, and so Im like Shai can you take care of C and talk to her while I go check on Alisha? And shes like yes. SO I go back up w/Alisha and shes still ballin her eyes out. And her friends finally go sit back down. And she starts talkin to me and shes like lets go to a corner so I can talk. And so we do. And shes tellin me all this stuff. ANd Im like have you told ur friends this yet? Shes like NO. And please dont tell them. So im like no I wont but you shoudl tell them so they know whats up and they can help you and be there for you. B/c I know they are your true friends and will be there for you. Plus you can always talk to me. And if not God is for sure always there no matter what! lol. But ya I think it helped her.
Then when we got up and walked back to our pews. I checked on my BFF and she was talkin to her friend. So she was ok then. So I check on my other friend and my cuz. And they are better so we all hug and they go outside. Well I was lookin around and seein of any of my guy friends were up there. (girls and boys wur separated during services, lol)
I saw my lil bros friend Ty up there so I go pray w/him b/c he was by himself. (keep in mind that I cant stand this kid and hes my bros annoying friend) But God was tellin me that I need to at least gp up there and pray w/him. So i did and he was crying. (this kid dont cry! like at all!) So I knew sumtin was up. So im like Ty if u need 2 talk u can talk 2 me. ok? ANd i just kept sayin that. And all of a sudden hes like "I dont know Jesus" Im like WHOA WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?! (sry but i was not expecting him to say that) And I smiled real big and im like "would you like to?" And hes like yes I would. he said he always used 2 act like he was saved but he really wasnt. So I helped him w/the salvation prayer. And I had the camp director come over and talk to him. And so YAY! lol After she was done talkn 2 him I was liek go tell my bro! Do IT!. lol And so hes like ok i will. And i was like ok. So we walked outside w/everyone else.
Anyways Sunday night at youth group. Well first we went to 'big' church. ANd told the adults bout our camp experience. And ya. Then we went back downstairs to have youth. Well after class one kid got rededicated and my other lil cuz DW got saved! and then my friend Justin got saved! WHOOHOOO! It was an awesome week! lemme tell ya!

LOl I thought I should share w/you how truly awesome God is and how HE WILL use you when you are ready. And how awesome it is to be one of His kids! WHOOOHOOO! (sry my lil Jesus high) lol

Well I guess thats it for now.

~God Bless~
Amber (you didn't sign this, but I suspect your name is likely "Amber"), first let me say how wonderful it is that the Lord only cursed you with middling retardation, so that some of the words you type are readable. Not a lot of them though, which is why, with His help, I'm going to try to do the best I can to help you.
Now if I understand correctly, your friend is a fornicator who is having regrets over spreading her legs outside the bounds of marriage. She should be regretful, as God does not have kind regard for fornicators.

1 Corinthians 6:9 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind

It is nice to hear that through your fog of retardation, you realize that the only way to true happiness is through Jesus, even if you don't have the mental capacity to really accept him into your heart. However, I am concerned that you were "hangin' with" this tramp while she was availing herself to any sailor that set into port.

1 Corinthians 5:9 I wrote unto you in an epistle not to company with fornicators:
5:10 Yet not altogether with the fornicators of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or with idolaters; for then must ye needs go out of the world.
5:11 But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolator, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.

By keeping company with this harlot, you are risking God's wrath, and He may decide to make you a complete retarded, drooling in a wheelchair, unable to ever accept His gift of salvation. The best thing you can do for your soul and hers is to harshly rebuke her, then never talk to her again unless she gives herself fully over to Christ instead of giving herself over to random men she meets in parks.


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
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Mrs. Mary Whitford's Avatar
Mrs. Mary Whitford Mrs. Mary Whitford is offline
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-27-2007, 11:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
This was my reply to that ungrateful Mary Worshipper...........


The rest (as they say) IS HISTORY.

By the way, I do NOT have a Drink OR Drug problem. A few Egg-Noggs with Sister SUV is all I am allowed. The white powder was just a misunderstanding.
I'm glad you gave that papist sow what for. Perhaps your Christian love has put her on the path to salvation that has saved me and brought me to Jesus and my husband, Mr. Whitford.
Maybe you could ask her to meet you on the same street corner you used to work before you were Saved and give her a gift of syphillis a King James Bible. Such True Christian™ charity would most certainly be rewarded!


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

Blogging for CHRIST!
Witnessing for GOD on YouTube!
All a-Twitter for Salvation!
Bringing Jesus to MySpace!
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My Ladies of Landover profile!
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(#26)
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Mrs. Mary Whitford's Avatar
Mrs. Mary Whitford Mrs. Mary Whitford is offline
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One of the Truest Christians™ Ever
Mama Grizzly and formerly Sister Mary Maria
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Mother of 1 boy or 2.5 girls One Year/1000 posts Long service medal, 3rd class Saved 1 Year True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ Cleanest Kitchen True Christian Lady True Heterosexual™ Platinum Tither Ribfest '07 True Christian Homemaker Ex-Mary Worshipper Best stoning bucket Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS TC Bravery Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Friend of Jesus Most Obedient Mrs. Sarah Palin Lady of the Year 2010 Flat Earth Mission to Australia Mama Grizzly Persecuted Pro-Life The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Batman Shooting Survivor Guns, Guts and GLORY! Kirk Cameron Fan Club The Lord’s Witness Wound Early riser Proud Niglet Sponsorer Home Schooled Jailed for JESUS Paula Deen Negro Support Group Trump of GOD Donald Trump 2016! Alternative Facts Saved 10 Years

 
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 09-30-2007, 02:49 AM

Well it seems my reply was so good, I've scared Sister Tequila off. PRAISE!


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

Blogging for CHRIST!
Witnessing for GOD on YouTube!
All a-Twitter for Salvation!
Bringing Jesus to MySpace!
On FIRE for the Lord on Facebook!
My Ladies of Landover profile!
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Father Glenn Danzig (On Moderation) Father Glenn Danzig is offline
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 10-01-2007, 03:27 PM

EDIT: Anti-Christian Hate Speech Deleted.

Don't Hijack threads Danzig for your racists rants. Since you can't behave yourself you have been placed under moderation preview before you can post. BJ
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 10-01-2007, 03:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Father Glenn Danzig View Post
---
Listen up, you hate filled, venom spewing, demon worshiper. You are not fooling anyone. We know who "Glenn Danzig" was -- a sorcerer and Devil worshiper who sang songs glorifying demons, werewolves, zombies, vampires, and other abominations. I am very happy to report that he is burning in Hell as we speak, being butt-raped by the same demons he adored so much in life.

Begone! Darken our Godly forum no more!

Pastor Billy-Reuben


Upon request I will cite scripture for all these facts in God's Holy Word.

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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 10-30-2007, 07:44 PM

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Originally Posted by Pastor Isaac Peters View Post
...Dr. Laurie stuck close to the Bible.

She stuck to many things but that was mostly to do with her weight and lack of personal hygiene.

For a proper source of scripture based advice I offer my humble services.




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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 07-24-2008, 02:44 AM

If this is the best we've got on deck, perhaps we could coax Shirlee Phelps-Dodge out of her semi-retirement instead.



Pour out thy fury upon the heathen that know thee not, and upon the families that call not on thy name.... Jeremiah 10:25
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 12-06-2008, 04:48 PM

HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS? Since M&Ms got me outa that Messican jail by having me transfered to quarantine I was able to use all the bail money LBC was so kind to send and open up a Cantina. Its not much of a place,I mean that $8.50 dident go far but I expect the place to be chock full of sinners to witness to (Re:roll) So since everyone knows Bartenders are the best listeners and give the best advice I would be proud to offer my services as an advisor. (This is a paying gig aint it?)


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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 12-08-2008, 04:00 AM

DBeG, I for one would love to read a couple of sample columns from your pen.

Please, demonstrate your skills.

Does anyone have a question for Bozo?


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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 12-08-2008, 04:02 AM

I have a question:

How do you deal with passive-aggressive people?


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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 12-08-2008, 04:06 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fubar King View Post
I have a question:

How do you deal with passive-aggressive people?
To simple Fubar. You keep serveing them as long as thier passive,When they get aggressive you get Nacho to kick thier ass to the curb.(After emptying thier pockets of course.) And of course I would tell them Jesus Loves them as they sail out the door.


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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 12-08-2008, 04:38 PM

Did you ever get that Western Union money from Juan ?




Leviticus 26:27-29

27 And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me;
28 Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.
29 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.
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Don Bozo el Guapo Don Bozo el Guapo is offline
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 12-08-2008, 04:56 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SayvedByTheLord View Post
Did you ever get that Western Union money from Juan ?
Unfortunatly there was a Putaria between the W.U. and the jail.(Actually theres about 6) But when he ended up in the cell with me I made him a rental unit, made enough to cover my bail with $8.50 left over to open up the Cantina with. He's freelanceing now so he should be available to the LOLs in a week or so.


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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 12-08-2008, 07:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Don Bozo el Guapo View Post
He's freelancing now so he should be available to the LOLs in a week or so.
Don Bozo, considering what you've told us about Juan, I'm not so sure I want him handling my bush again.

He may be a talented gardener, but it seems he can't keep his hands out of the cookie jar, so to speak!

I received a question by email today from a young lady. Let's see how you help her out:

Quote:
My name is <we'll call her Fran>. I'm 23 and attractive, and live in El Paso. Guys hit on me all the time.

The trouble is, sometimes I find them tempting. I'm trying to stay straight on my Walk with Jesus, but . . . well, you know, I have those thoughts.

What should I do when I feel Satan probing to see if he gets a response?

Thank you!

Fran


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Don Bozo el Guapo Don Bozo el Guapo is offline
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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 12-08-2008, 09:35 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by JennyD View Post
Don Bozo, considering what you've told us about Juan, I'm not so sure I want him handling my bush again.

He may be a talented gardener, but it seems he can't keep his hands out of the cookie jar, so to speak!

I received a question by email today from a young lady. Let's see how you help her out:
Quote:
My name is <we'll call her Fran>. I'm 23 and attractive, and live in El Paso. Guys hit on me all the time.

The trouble is, sometimes I find them tempting. I'm trying to stay straight on my Walk with Jesus, but . . . well, you know, I have those thoughts.

What should I do when I feel Satan probing to see if he gets a response?

Thank you!

Fran
So your 23 and attractive and guys hit on you all the time? And this is a problem? Are you blond? Heyzoos will pay mucho dinero if you walk straight home with him. Tell me more about those thoughts. Do you have a web cam? Are you looking for work?


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Don Bozo el Guapo Don Bozo el Guapo is offline
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Don Bozo el Guapo is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Don Bozo el Guapo is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Don Bozo el Guapo is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Don Bozo el Guapo is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Don Bozo el Guapo is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Don Bozo el Guapo is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Don Bozo el Guapo is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Don Bozo el Guapo is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 12-13-2008, 11:19 PM

So my guess is nobody else wants this job? Am I hired by default? When can I expect the 1st check?


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Default Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist - 12-14-2008, 12:06 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Don Bozo el Guapo View Post
So my guess is nobody else wants this job? Am I hired by default? When can I expect the 1st check?
Mr. Don Bozo el Guapo, I'm afraid this isn't the welfare desk where you can finance your drug smuggling operations underneath the US-Mexico border.
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