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Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow.

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Default A use for a Slav? - 10-27-2006, 11:30 AM

Yesterday, while I was reflecting on the state of the world today, I decided it would be a nice idea to have a cake to celebrate the complete and total success of every decision George Bush, Tony Blair, and Jesus have ever made, particularly the imminent extinction of all crypto-Catholic ragheads. Naturally, being a man, cake-making is not my forte, so I instructed my Polack houseservant Condi to bake one for me. At this point, the awful little creature made a truly shocking confession: being a backwards Slav, she has no idea how to use any cooking device other than a tractor. I am in a real bind here. As everyone knows, women have two main purposes in life: Baking pies and other such culinary delights for Christian men, and baking Christian soldiers for Jesus in their womb. Now, ignoring the question of who would be sick enough to impregnate a Pole in the first place, it is pretty much self-evident that any offspring Condi has will be too Slavic to be of any use as cannon fodder for Jesus. But, if she can't bake, what is the point of her at all? I know the logical thing to do here would be to drown her in a bucket, but I'm a sentimental fool, and if anyone can think of any other uses for an ex-Catholic oddment, I'd be very grateful to hear them.
Yours In Christ,
Temperance


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: A use for a Slav? - 10-27-2006, 11:44 AM

I assume that she can use a hammer? Why not send her out to plant lawn signs for the GOP in these final days before the elections. Send her to NJ and tell her to plant anti-special rights for sodomites signs in every county, or else you'll send her back to yugoslavica or whatever hellhole she came from.

Other than that, I like the drowning her in a bucket option.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: A use for a Slav? - 10-27-2006, 02:25 PM

I'd sell her to the chinks. The only reason slav women are masculine is because slav men are whimpering homers. The chinks have an entire culture built around this.
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Default Re: A use for a Slav? - 10-27-2006, 10:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Temperance View Post
I know the logical thing to do here would be to drown her in a bucket, but I'm a sentimental fool, and if anyone can think of any other uses for an ex-Catholic oddment, I'd be very grateful to hear them.
Yours In Christ,
Temperance
Brother, the answer is simple. Polack women look enough like men that no one can tell the difference. Dress her as a man and take her to bars with you. When someone at the bar orders something you want, tell them "This Polish fellow just called you a fag". When the fight starts you should be able to find a bunch of free drinks on the bar.


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Brother Temperance will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default A final solution to my polack problem? - 11-01-2006, 02:16 PM

Thank you all for your glorious advice - Pastor Al's idea was particularly inspired. However, I believe I may have discovered an even better solution.
It's simple: I just rent her out to vice clubs and other dens of sin as a "pole dancer." The heathen fornicators and similar liberals flock in, expecting to see a depraved hussy gyrating her way around a phallic pagan Maypole. Instead, they get one of the least erotic sights on God's green earth, a she-Slav clumping her ungainly hooves around to the sound of "Nellie the Elephant." No innocent manseeds are spilt needlessly, and the heathens are often so outraged they'll do the Lord's work by burning the vice den down themselves. And, even better, all the money these perverts fork over gets tithed directly to Jesus!


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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