Promise Enforcers - Men Only! We make Promise Keepers look like homers! No homosexuals or women allowed! |
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Senior Usher True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom A very nice young man
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,647
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: South Yorkshire, hotbed of sin
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-04-2010, 10:17 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by self_aware_sinner
What is another term for assault victim?
Baptist family member.
Now THAT'S a manly joke harharhar
What is another term for pedophile or child molester?
Baptist gentleman
Hardyharharhar
The 'catliks' got nothing on you bunch of dirty old men mongering teenage girls like ever so much cattle. Even the young baptists look hungry for the time when they can set their sagging jowls and flappy guts into a nice piece of teen jailbait.
The devil laughs, he knows he will have plenty of customers from among the True Believers™.
Me, I feel more sad.. I guess that's compassion of sorts.
God bless,
sas
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I don't get it. Do you do any knock, knock jokes?
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Also loves Jesus and America
True Christian™
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Posts: 820
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Lone Christian in pagan Oregon
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-05-2010, 03:18 AM
Q: Why did Jesus cross the road?
A: Somebody nailed him to a chicken.
(OK OK it's not funny but after that last guy I can't miss...)
Leviticus 13:44 He is a leprous man, he is UNCLEAN: the priest shall pronounce him utterly UNCLEAN; his plague is in his head.
2 Kings 6:25 And there was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass's head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver.
King James Bible v1611
Good Enough For JESUS....Good Enough For Me !!
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 305
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Virginia
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-06-2010, 02:19 AM
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Trick question, feminists can't change anything.
Genesis 4:12: When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.
Numbers 35:19: The revenger of blood himself shall slay the murderer: when he meeteth him, he shall slay him.
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Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
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Posts: 3
Join Date: Aug 2010
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-08-2010, 01:52 PM
A man and his wife walk into a landover baptistry. They are both sucked into an evil world of lies and hatred and are brainwashed into becoming the sexist slaves landover so clearly values
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 305
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Virginia
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-08-2010, 01:57 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChristianLad
A man and his wife walk into a landover baptistry. They are both sucked into an evil world of lies and hatred and are brainwashed into becoming the sexist slaves landover so clearly values
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If you think that this place is an evil world then why are you trolling here?
Genesis 4:12: When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.
Numbers 35:19: The revenger of blood himself shall slay the murderer: when he meeteth him, he shall slay him.
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Winning Souls in his Winnebago
True Christian™
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Posts: 3,893
Join Date: May 2010
Location: travelling the heartland in my Winnebago.
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-08-2010, 02:03 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Higgins
If you think that this place is an evil world then why are you trolling here?
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Are the 2 of you the New Martin and Lewis? If so Christianlad, you need to work on your material!
Quote:
Higgins Re: Manly Jokes
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChristianLad
A man and his wife walk into a landover baptistry. They are both sucked into an evil world of lies and hatred and are brainwashed into becoming the sexist slaves landover so clearly values
If you think that this place is an evil world then why are you trolling here? Today 09:52 AM
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1 Chronicles 16:15
Be ye mindful always of his covenant; the word which he commanded to a thousand generations ... an everlasting covenant.
Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.
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#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart
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Posts: 6,234
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold, Ia
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-08-2010, 06:07 PM
There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone..."
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Outdoorsman, Hunter, Fisherman, Husband, True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,565
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Freehold
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-09-2010, 12:07 AM
Excuse me if any of these are repeats...
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances are white."
Q: How does a sorority chick turn the lights on after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: What does a sorority chick say after sex?
A: So, are you guys all on the same team?
Q: What's the difference between a sorority chick and the garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out twice a week.
Q: What is the sorority chick mating call?
A: I am soooo drunk!
A group of 7 sorority chicks come into a bar. They are all chanting "21 days, 21 days, 21 days ..." They order a couple bottles of champagne, grab a table in the back and start to chatter excitedly.
The bartender brings the champagne and glasses to the table and asks what "21 days" is all about.
One of the girls explains they just completed a jigsaw puzzle. It was really big and kinda hard. She raised her glass and so did the rest of the girls. She then said, "The box said 6-8 years, but we completed it in just ..."
"21 days, 21 days, 21 days," they all chanted.
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Outdoorsman, Hunter, Fisherman, Husband, True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,565
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Freehold
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-09-2010, 12:10 AM
We are all very upset with dead beat dads who do not shoulder the burden of the children they sire. It is a shameful thing in theory, but the practical matters sometimes complicate the issues and cloud the truth. It seems a simple question, "Who is the Daddy?" These answers from the family services forms show how complex and comical the issue can become:
- Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
- I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
- I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
- I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
- I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
- I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
- I do not know who the father of my child was as all men look the same to me.
- Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
- From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
- So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
- I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all, when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
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Honorary True Christian™
Forum Member
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Posts: 13,993
Join Date: May 2008
Location: North Salem, Indiana
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-09-2010, 09:19 PM
Brother, is it possible that there are THAT many literate, white women with bastard children?
I don't see a single "My baby daddy be O-BAM-A, yo!" or "I donno his name, but he be sellin smack right out yo window heah" in that list.
Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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Outdoorsman, Hunter, Fisherman, Husband, True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,565
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Freehold
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-10-2010, 02:15 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer
Brother, is it possible that there are THAT many literate, white women with bastard children?
I don't see a single "My baby daddy be O-BAM-A, yo!" or "I donno his name, but he be sellin smack right out yo window heah" in that list.
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They've been cleaned up for our eyes. I know I can't take the street talk, let alone when they decide to write it.
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 217
Join Date: Aug 2010
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-10-2010, 04:41 PM
What do dwarves and dice have in common?
The most likely number is 7.
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#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart
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Posts: 6,234
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold, Ia
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-14-2010, 10:50 AM
There where two women sitting quietly together.............
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 165
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: James Dewitt's diamond mine Kimberley Western Australia
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-14-2010, 02:26 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt
There where two women sitting quietly together.............
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Senior Usher True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom A very nice young man
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,647
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: South Yorkshire, hotbed of sin
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-14-2010, 06:47 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt
There where two women sitting quietly together.............
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Oh, I can top that. There were two women - wait for it...
... having an intelligent and meaningful conversation together!
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 490
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: The rotten state of Denmark
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Re: Manly Jokes -
08-29-2010, 06:16 PM
Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulp?
A: Non - Our wifes just have to learn how to cook in the dark.
Q: Why did God provide women with slightly more braincells than horses?
A: So she doesn't drink of the bucket while she's washing the floor.
Q: What do you say if you find your wife lying on the floor, crying and in pain?
A: Nothing - It shouldn't be necesary to tell her twice - should it?
Praise our faithful Landover Baptist women
Ephesians 5:23_(King James Version)"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body."
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 82
Join Date: Sep 2010
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Re: Manly Jokes -
09-07-2010, 07:07 AM
Ouch lol..
Why are women shorter than men? So they can easily bend over. hehehe
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Honorary True Christian™
Forum Member
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Posts: 13,993
Join Date: May 2008
Location: North Salem, Indiana
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Re: Manly Jokes -
09-07-2010, 11:06 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by JesperBechDane
Ouch lol..
Why are women shorter than men? So they can easily bend over. hehehe
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That doesn't even make sense.
Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Manly Jokes -
09-07-2010, 11:57 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by JesperBechDane
Ouch lol..
Why are women shorter than men? So they can easily bend over. hehehe
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What is that, some kind of eskimo joke?
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
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Re: Manly Jokes -
09-15-2010, 01:46 AM
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked moron. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner! LOL
I thought this one was pretty funny.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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