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Default Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-29-2006, 02:40 PM

So that JESUS might see them and guide us with them.

I'll lead off: Everytime I gas up the Behemoth to go Shopping at the Mall, 45 miles away, I find that the Money I've brought to Shop with is so greatly diminished I often just end up having a McStudMuffin and coffee and heading Right back Home!

What is the Solution to this? I need to figure something out before Winter gets here because the tires are beginning to go bald, too, and God Hates "Bald" - why, it says so Right in the Bible!

Oh, JESUS, am I ever riding the horns of a dilemma!!!

SUV
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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-29-2006, 07:07 PM

What to possibly give catlick 'relatives' other than a short sharp boot to Hell as He demands....Quite a hard decision!!

~Rain
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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-29-2006, 08:33 PM

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Originally Posted by Rain View Post
What to possibly give catlick 'relatives' other than a short sharp boot to Hell as He demands....Quite a hard decision!!

~Rain
Landover Christian Gifts sells a nice little idol of the Virgin Mary trampling the baby Jesus underfoot while the Pope worships her. There is an inscription on the base "The Adulation of the Whore of Babylon" really finishes the piece IMHO. I sent one to all my Catlicker relatives last Christmas. I had to send them the statue under a false name since they are still sore over that incident at my Aunt Catherine’s funeral.



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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-29-2006, 08:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Sue Vera View Post
So that JESUS might see them and guide us with them.

I'll lead off: Everytime I gas up the Behemoth to go Shopping at the Mall, 45 miles away, I find that the Money I've brought to Shop with is so greatly diminished I often just end up having a McStudMuffin and coffee and heading Right back Home!

What is the Solution to this? I need to figure something out before Winter gets here because the tires are beginning to go bald, too, and God Hates "Bald" - why, it says so Right in the Bible!

Oh, JESUS, am I ever riding the horns of a dilemma!!!

SUV
You need to lift the Tail of the Beast and Face the Situation. First, get rid of the Behemoth an get a cheap Chinese moped. The tires will last forever because you can't ride it 45 miles and live, so just put it in the parlor and let guests use it as a barstool.

Then take the Greyhound Bus to town and find a small apartment behind a vegan fast food joint so your food worries are over. You can rummage through their dumpster until spring brings more berries and apples.

I feel pretty good about being able to solve ALL of your problems at one go!


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-29-2006, 09:09 PM

Why, Pastor Al, I'm In Tears! Did my being (again) newly $avED wear off already, and now it's like I am some sort of lowly Luciferian???

Or is this a hint you want me to go undercover on some sort of secret mission like Mrs. Judy O'Christian did that time she got the tattoo on her leg when she wore that mini-skirt?!

Well now I simply don't know what to do. I suppose I'll wait to see if Pastor got this Revelation from Jesus or if it's because he's been out raiding eggnog stills again.

SUV
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
You need to lift the Tail of the Beast and Face the Situation. First, get rid of the Behemoth an get a cheap Chinese moped. The tires will last forever because you can't ride it 45 miles and live, so just put it in the parlor and let guests use it as a barstool.

Then take the Greyhound Bus to town and find a small apartment behind a vegan fast food joint so your food worries are over. You can rummage through their dumpster until spring brings more berries and apples.

I feel pretty good about being able to solve ALL of your problems at one go!
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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-29-2006, 09:35 PM

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Originally Posted by Sister Sue Vera View Post
Why, Pastor Al, I'm In Tears! Did my being (again) newly $avED wear off already, and now it's like I am some sort of lowly Luciferian???

Oh, certainly not! I was simply trying to get you off the Horns of that Dilemma which, being similar to a Unicorn, can't be too comfortable!

Or is this a hint you want me to go undercover on some sort of secret mission like Mrs. Judy O'Christian did that time she got the tattoo on her leg when she wore that mini-skirt?!

GRRRR! The thought of Judy O'Christian in a miniskirt is giving me the same sort of 'images' Rachael van Hellsing is famous for! STAND BY ME, JESUS!

Well now I simply don't know what to do. I suppose I'll wait to see if Pastor got this Revelation from Jesus or if it's because he's been out raiding eggnog stills again.
SUV
I'm not sure what you are on about. Wasn't my advice the best you heard here?


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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-29-2006, 09:40 PM

Do you suppose it's too early to start re-gifting all the crappy fruitcake I recieved from people last year?

Inquisitive, Sister Thumper




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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-29-2006, 09:58 PM

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Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
I'm not sure what you are on about. Wasn't my advice the best you heard here?
It was....Godly? Yea - Godly! GODLY! I Procalim to all the Heavens it was GODLY!!!!!

Except for the part about the "cheap Chinese moped." Then I'll have that slanty-eyed Hitonme running Right behind.

And now this about "vegan fast food joint so your food worries are over. You can rummage through their dumpster until spring brings more berries and apples."

Is it fermentable, like the berries and apples are?

Dear LORD! I am in such a Christmas tizzy I barely know what to do!

Bless you, Pastor, for continuing to look out for the "smallest and weakest amongst us." (I mean Hitonme. Please don't let him run after my Moped again!)

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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-29-2006, 09:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
Do you suppose it's too early to start re-gifting all the crappy fruitcake I recieved from people last year?

Inquisitive, Sister Thumper
Bless your Spirit, Sister Thumper! I'll volunteer to do away with the fruitcake if you can tell me what those little green things in it are.

SUV
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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-29-2006, 10:01 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
Do you suppose it's too early to start re-gifting all the crappy fruitcake I recieved from people last year?

Inquisitive, Sister Thumper
Early or late, re-gifting fruitcake is a wonderful family tradition. In my family, there's one that we've been passing around since 1974.


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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-29-2006, 10:28 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by More Saved Than Thou View Post
Early or late, re-gifting fruitcake is a wonderful family tradition. In my family, there's one that we've been passing around since 1974.
So, Brother, do you know what the little green things are? They kind of give my teeth the look they used to get when I went to those psychedelic dance places before I got $avED and I'd Hate for Pastor to think I was backslidin'

In a Gadda Da Vida indeed!!!

SUV
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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-29-2006, 10:38 PM

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Originally Posted by Sister Sue Vera View Post
So, Brother, do you know what the little green things are? SUV
I know what they are. We had them tested in the Landover Laboratories because we couldn't figure out what it was either. But since you wouldn't believe me anyway, I won't tell you.


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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-30-2006, 12:52 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
I know what they are. We had them tested in the Landover Laboratories because we couldn't figure out what it was either. But since you wouldn't believe me anyway, I won't tell you.
Soylent Green? Was it Soylent Green, Pastor? Jesus!

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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-30-2006, 01:09 AM

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Originally Posted by Sister Sue Vera View Post
Soylent Green? Was it Soylent Green, Pastor? Jesus!

SUV
You didn't hear it from ME! Can you believe they call it green pineapple chunks? GREEN PINEAPPLE?!?!?! Give me a break!


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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 09-30-2006, 12:58 PM

In my family, we stopped re-gifting Christmas fruitcakes years ago. I accept every single one with a smile, and every spring I use them to patch up holes in the walls of my horse stables and servant's quarters. I made a fine dog house out of them one season. Praise Jesus the dogs who sleep in there don't have fleas any more.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 10-01-2006, 11:03 AM

I have to say, shopping for Joo relatives like mine is a lot easier than for Mary-Worshipping ones like Sister Rain's. I just have to sent them each a shiny penny and they're happy all year long. I usually also send them a card along the lines of "let us all celebrate the birthday of the Sweet Baby Jesus, remember Him? The fellow who died on the cross for all our sins, wasn't He wonderful? Wasn't killing Him a terrible thing to do? Wouldn't it be a good idea to repent and allow His Love into your hook-nosed little heart? Love, your son."


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 10-04-2006, 02:01 AM

My problem??
Is that an XTIAN celebration is being SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT every time I walk into a shopping center!!!
Sweet merciful crawdads, too many Xtians, not enough lions!



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Angry Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 10-04-2006, 02:36 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
My problem??
Is that an XTIAN celebration is being SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT every time I walk into a shopping center!!!
Sweet merciful crawdads, too many Xtians, not enough lions!
Are you trying to deny us our right to practice our own religion? I'm used to such blatant anti-Christian persecution out there in the unsaved secular world, but I never thought I'd be subjected to it here in God's favorite forum.


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

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Thumbs up Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 10-04-2006, 02:39 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Temperance View Post
I have to say, shopping for Joo relatives like mine is a lot easier than for Mary-Worshipping ones like Sister Rain's. I just have to sent them each a shiny penny and they're happy all year long. I usually also send them a card along the lines of "let us all celebrate the birthday of the Sweet Baby Jesus, remember Him? The fellow who died on the cross for all our sins, wasn't He wonderful? Wasn't killing Him a terrible thing to do? Wouldn't it be a good idea to repent and allow His Love into your hook-nosed little heart? Love, your son."
I am in awe of the Christian love and compassion that you show to them. Whether they realize it yet or not, they are truly blessed to have you in their lives.


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

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Default Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! - 10-04-2006, 05:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by More Saved Than Thou View Post
Are you trying to deny us our right to practice our own religion? I'm used to such blatant anti-Christian persecution out there in the unsaved secular world, but I never thought I'd be subjected to it here in God's favorite forum.
Bah. You Xtians need to get used to the idea of EQUALITY, and not preferential treatment like you're used to.

Why are there no other religious holiday items on sale except for Xtian ones? THAT'S what I call predjudice...come on, ACLU!!



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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