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Default Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 12:08 AM

Don't worry friends, it's not one of ours. But Rev. Ted was a personal friend to several LBC Pastors, and a regular golfing buddy of Pastor Pistle. Our prayers are with him (Pastor Pistle) during this time of crisis. Rev. Ted is a hellbound sodomite, so our prayers are no longer necessary. He'll be joining ex-brother Mike in the lake of fire where they will both be on their knees servicing every wetback in satan's army.

Quote:
Evangelical leader Accused of Sodomy

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. - The Rev. Ted Haggard stepped down as president of the influential National Association of Evangelicals on Thursday after being accused of carrying on an affair with a homo named Mike.

Haggard also stepped down as head of his 14,000-member New Life Church pending an investigation by a church panel, saying he could "not continue to minister under the cloud created by the accusations."

Haggard, a married father of five, did not return calls seeking comment.
And this just in:

Quote:
Professional sodomite and hunky boytoy Mike Jones poses for a photographer in downtown Denver. Jones told the Associated Press on Thursday that evangelical leader Rev. Ted Haggard paid him to have sex as many as 36 times over three years.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 04:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Don't worry friends, it's not one of ours. But Rev. Ted was a personal friend to several LBC Pastors, and a regular golfing buddy of Pastor Pistle. Our prayers are with him (Pastor Pistle) during this time of crisis.
It's not Pastor Pistle I'm worried about. His grounding in the Word of God will keep him on the straight and narrow. But look at this news item:
Quote:
Haggard took part in weekly conference calls with President Bush — "he and the president like to joke that the only thing they disagree on is what truck to drive."
Joking about "what truck to drive"?! If that's not homer code for perversity too sick to even imagine, I don't know what is.


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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 04:42 PM

Gentlemen, let us not leap to judgment here; first, Ted is a good friend of God's anointed, just like Cheny and Rove (if you know what I mean). Clearly the taint on Rev Ted can not be that bad if Jesus allows Rev Ted that near His anointed. Second; remember Jesus hates the 'catcher', not the 'picture' in these kind of things. Frankly I think that vile male harlot Jones lured Rev Ted in by asking for counseling for Jone's homer illness, then Jone's drugged Rev Ted and then took advantaged of the good pastor in his confused state.

Anyway, we must all remember even if Rev Ted's tallwaycker is not were Jesus would like it, Ted's mouth certianly is. This is clearly a situation were Ted is right, even though he is wrong.

Anyway, what ever it the TRUTH™ it is clear that it is right for Rev Ted to resign and turn the financial management of his church over to Landover Baptist like he did. I personally am sad that for the sake of what is best for Christianity I had to persuade that Jones character into going public.



Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 04:45 PM

Pastor Ezekiel, might you explain to us Ladies (who tend to be a bit under-educated) exactly what "Sodomy" is? Isn't this when you turn into a pillar of salt? And, does anyone ever turn into a pillar of pepper?
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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 07:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
Gentlemen, let us not leap to judgment here; first, Ted is a good friend of God's anointed, just like Cheney and Rove (if you know what I mean). Clearly the taint on Rev Ted can not be that bad if Jesus allows Rev Ted that near His anointed. Second; remember Jesus hates the 'catcher', not the 'pitcher' in these kind of things.
Brother, I hate to disabuse you, but "Pastor" Ted WAS the 'catcher'. He paid this homer to drive a truck through his back alley for three years and his denial was half-hearted and faked. I am SOOOOOO sorry for his wife and children who will be tainted the rest of their lives and will probably choose gayness themselves as a lifestyle. SIN BEGETS SIN!


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
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Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 07:59 PM

The Lord was certainly speaking through Brother BJ, when he typed those words. His message of compassion for our Brother Ted has touched my heart. In fact, Brother BJ's words affected me so deeply that I decided to call Brother Ted and offer him my True Christian™ condolences. His phone number is published on his Church's website.

Unfortunately, Brother Ted wasn't available when I called, and so I spoke with Lana. She -- shockingly -- refused to say whether or not she thought Brother Ted was a homosexual, nor would she confirm that he was in her prayers, at this his very darkest hour.

I am not amused. If Brother Ted's own Church won't lift him up in prayer before the Lord, then LBC must step in and fill the breech. I hope that all True Christians™ would pray this simple prayer on Brother Ted's behalf, Oh Merciful Father, we pray for our Brother Ted and hope to high heaven that he's not an accursed sodomite, but if he is, dear Lord, we beseech You to fulfill the law given to us in Leviticus 20:13 and put Brother Ted to death. We ask this in Jesus Holy name. Amen.


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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 08:12 PM

AMEN, Brother! AMEN!


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Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 08:16 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
Brother, I hate to disabuse you, but "Pastor" Ted WAS the 'catcher'. He paid this homer to drive a truck through his back alley for three years and his denial was half-hearted and faked. I am SOOOOOO sorry for his wife and children who will be tainted the rest of their lives and will probably choose gayness themselves as a lifestyle. SIN BEGETS SIN!
(Sigh) You are right pastor. This bit of information came to my attention

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/haggard_profile

Quote:
One of Haggard's biggest leaps came when he said he believed global warming was occurring, and that stopping climate change should be an evangelical priority.
His gayness is evident for all to see now. Clearly Haggard's main interest in life is spitting in the loving face of our Savior. Brother Lee is clearly pointing the way here; we must treat Haggard with the Christian compassion that God expects from us as He outlined in Leviticus.



Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 11:05 PM

Quote:
49-year-old Denver man said the pastor had paid him to have sex monthly over the past three years.
Sodomy every month for three years? That's disgusting. Let's hope if this guy ever sat down in Pastor Pistle's car that somehow there was a sponge on the seat.

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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 11:08 PM

Okay, I've been waiting Patiently - I've been Good.

Pastor Ezekiel, when are we going to get to see this Homer! exposed?!

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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 11:22 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Sue Vera View Post
Pastor Ezekiel, might you explain to us Ladies (who tend to be a bit under-educated) exactly what "Sodomy" is? Isn't this when you turn into a pillar of salt? And, does anyone ever turn into a pillar of pepper?
Sweet Sister Sue....There are certain things that we men keep from you women for your own good. You wouldn't believe me if I told you anyway.

Sodomy is so completely revolting to Jesus that He singled it out as an act punishable by death. Something like rape, well that can be fixed up with a few shekels and some smooth talk from a Pastor. But sodomites are so reviled that God gives them no way out of the filthy, messy, stinky road they plow for themselves.

And no, as far as I recall from The Holy Bible, God has never chosen to turn anyone into a pillar of any spice outside of salt.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 11:24 PM

::::scratches head:::::::

How do we know the toy boy wasn't just spitting on Pastor Ted's back?




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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 11:44 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
::::scratches head:::::::

How do we know the toy boy wasn't just spitting on Pastor Ted's back?
Thank you for your charitable Christian attempt to find a spiritual loophole for our fallen former Brother in Christ, Sister Thumper. But you see, Jesus can see through such tricks. He cannot be fooled by mere homer spittle. And to be honest, since ex-Reverend Ted actually paid this sodomite hustler to service him, I'm not sure from a Pastoral perspective that it would even make a difference whether it was demon-infested homer oral juices or demon-infested homer spunk that ended up covering ex-Reverend Ted's naked 50 year old body.

Frankly, I blame the Clintons.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-03-2006, 11:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
::::scratches head:::::::

How do we know the toy boy wasn't just spitting on Pastor Ted's back?
It is sufficient to say Pastor Ted really touched bottom on this one.



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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-04-2006, 03:14 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
filthy, messy, stinky
See, I think I get it now! It has somehow to do with Dungbread - and if we women don't salt it enough to make it pleasing to Mens' palates then the Good Lord turns us into pillars of salt? Is it something like that?

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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-04-2006, 04:42 PM

Friends, I don't want to be an old "I told you so", but we have been saying for as long as our church has been providing Salvation™ that the proof of SATAN'S pudding is in your colon after he takes over your soul.

Oh sure, people have argued that we were much too graphic in our explanations of what SATAN'S favorite pastime is in HELL, but now there is proof. The pastor Ted Haggard was probably walking down the street one day minding his own business when a gay sex demon jumped onto his bones. One of his parishioners, Linda 'X' described it this way to a reporter.

"She reached across the table and touched my hand. “I have to tell you, the spiritual battle is very real.” We are surrounded by demons, she explained, reciting the lessons she had learned in her small-group studies at New Life. The demons are cold, they need bodies, they long to come inside. People let them in in two different ways. One is to be sinned against. “Molested,” suggested Linda. The other is to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You could walk by sin—a murder, a homosexual act—and a demon will leap onto your bones."

So even if you are a victim.."molested/sinned against", the gay sex demons will enter your body and start reproducing in your colon, which then gets 'itchy'.

Now we are not heathens like those homer sinners at New Life, oh, no! But at least 30 million evangelicals agree with Landover Baptist about how demons get in you and what they cause you to do!


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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-04-2006, 09:18 PM

Perhaps he was fellowshipping with that huge queer and the Homosexual imp went unto him forcibly. That is possible of course but I need to remind everyone here that this guy didn't tithe to Landover thus opening himself up to all sorts of Devilish horrors. This could be the start of a long hard life for this possessed preacher. Can financial ruin and the sin of divorce be far away?
If you don't tithe to Landover you can and most likely will turn gay. If not in this life then definately in the second death where Satan himself will convert those who doubt Christs favorite church.
Everybody knows that.

And if this guy ever rode in a certain Pastors Gulfstream, I'd get the upholstery cleaned.


God bless America, the Second Amendment and the Constitution. God bless the United States Marine Corps and all who fight for Jesus in third world cess pools. God bless the GOP and all they stand for, Truth, Honesty and the American people. God bless Landover Baptist Church and all True Christians™ the world over. Curses to our Muslim President, his failure is our Salvation.
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Default Re: Homer Pastor Exposed - 11-05-2006, 03:18 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marshall View Post
If you don't tithe to Landover you can and most likely will turn gay.
Exactly. If you don't worship the one true God in exactly the way He specifies, He will likely turn you into a homer. This is a proved Biblical fact, but not one that often gets preached from the pulpits of hippy-dippy liberal "churches":

Romans 1:18-27: For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness; Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewed [it] unto them. For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, [even] his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse: Because that, when they knew God, they glorified [him] not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things. Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

Even many "conservative," "evangelical" "churches" presume to rewrite God's Holy Word by beginning the passage with verse 26 ("For this cause....") and leaving out God's reasons. That, I believe, is why we are now seeing such rampant poofterism in those "churches."


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

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Default Pastor Teddy - 11-05-2006, 08:25 PM

http://test.denverpost.com/rockies/ci_4607865

Pastor Teddy update. He is gay after all. (surprise, surprise!)
http://test.denverpost.com/rockies/ci_4607865


The wife, who now knows she has had five children with a homosexual, and that she is merely a ‘beard’ to cover her husband’s gayness, intends to make it all better. I suppose she is going to pray the gay demon out of him.


She hasn’t thought it through yet. Give it a month. The lights will either come on or she will play the martyr for all it's worth.


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: Pastor Teddy - 11-05-2006, 08:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
http://test.denverpost.com/rockies/ci_4607865

Pastor Teddy update. He is gay after all. (surprise, surprise!)
http://test.denverpost.com/rockies/ci_4607865


The wife, who now knows she has had five children with a homosexual, and that she is merely a ‘beard’ to cover her husband’s gayness, intends to make it all better. I suppose she is going to pray the gay demon out of him.


She hasn’t thought it through yet. Give it a month. The lights will either come on or she will play the martyr for all it's worth.
A pity the light that won't turn on in her mind is to follow Gods law and dash 'Pastor' Ted's brains out when he is asleep and then get herself to Landover for some serious repenting. The pair will hopefuly enjoy hell together.



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