[Sister Rebecca]

Hello everyone. As some of you might know, I am finally done with my 3- year missionary trip to New Guinea. Praise the LORD! We Saved many lost souls and brought them to sweet baby Jesus through burning, floggings, and other hands-on means. Praise HIM! But, as I said, I am going to be moving back to Freehold, as Pastor Zeke only allowed me 3 years abroad. So now I must return. However, I find myself in sore need of a good strong True Christian ™ husband to dictate my life and steer me in the right direction. I require a firm hand, and an honest hardworking man of the Lord. No slackers or gentle pansy-ass girlie-men for me. I need a man to force me to my knees when I've had stray thoughts or otherwise messed up. My good pastor in New Guinea was no slouch at this. I spent a good deal of my first year on my knees before him, shouting Jesus' name. Now that my mourning period for my dear sweet Tom is over and I am moving back, I will need to wed very soon. I will come to you with only my clothes and all of the money I have earned over the last 3 years as a bride fee. I do expect, however, that any True Christian ™ man I join with will have an appropriate bank account as well as an adequate yearly income. It is expensive to minister to the weak-minded and bring Jesus to the disgusting non believers and false Christians.
So if you think you can be the TC man I need, please respond as soon as possible. I need to be wed and moved back to Freehold by this Friday.