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Free Market Fred Free Market Fred is offline
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Default Re: Castrating my son? - 04-18-2010, 12:32 AM

Thanks to our successful free market economic policies since Reagan, the top 1% now controls 90% of the nation's wealth (we're working on 99%). The result is that begging has become a very competitive industry. In the past, all you had to do was stand next to a freeway entrance with a "I'll work for food" sign, and it was possible to make a decent living. However, these days that's just not good enough. Indeed, it's getting so crowded at those freeway ramps that some municipalities are renting out the prime begging real estate to the highest bidder.

Since begging is now America's fastest growing industry, smart parents are pushing their children to learn the necessary skills that will prepare them for a successful career in this exciting business. I think it goes without saying that if you're going to mutilate your children, simply chopping off a penis is of little economic value. After all, they can't dangle their crotches in public to gain sympathy from prospective donors. Breaking their legs, or better yet cutting them off, is far more effective.

You might be tempted to infect them with leprosy, but unfortunately that tends to scare away passing motorists and pedestrians, so it's a non-starter. And whatever you do, don't chop off both hands, and they need at least one for holding the begging bowl.

Believe me, I know what I'm talking about, as my company has experience in these matters. Two years ago, Uranus Corporation opened a clinic in Shanghai where we perform surgeries on beggars, making them look pathetic and thus increase their earnings (we only charge a 30% commission for the first three years).


Satisfied customer in China

We've already received letters from hundreds of grateful parents (or possibly gang members who own the beggars) thanking us. Looks to me like yet another win-win situation!


Praise Jesus!
Brother Fred
CEO, The Uranus Corporation
Put your faith in Uranus!


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