Lord, Save Our Nostrils From Ball Lightning!

[Born Again Bob]

Dear Lord,

You "maketh the storm a calm," Psalm 107:29, and send your "lightning unto the ends of the earth," Job 37:3. And, in the proper context, we even welcome your electrical fireworks: "For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be." Matthew 24:27. That happy day!

Yet, you are also the God who tells us to ask you for help, "For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." Luke 11:10.

Therefore, heartily do I beseech of thee, oh Lord: preserve our nostrils left and right from the fearsome onslaught of ball lightning!



We do not presume to be able to prevent nasal electrocution according to my own devices. For, "can any understand the spreadings of the clouds, or the noise of His tabernacle?" Job 36:29.

Yet greatly do we fear for our noses, setting store to them in accord with thine holy word. For, even "he that hath a flat nose" may not approach the temple. Leviticus 21:19. A blast of ball lightning could very well completely level/flatten a nose!

And many of the rewards you promise cannot be attained without a nose. Hosea 14:7 promises that, "They that dwell under his shadow shall return; they shall revive as the corn, and grow as the vine: the scent thereof shall be as the wine of Lebanon." Without a nose, we couldn't tell! We couldn't tell!

Save us, oh Lord!

Yours in You,
BAB

[Progress]

Re: Lord, Save Our Nostrils From Ball Lightning!

Are you seriously thanking god for lightning? Like you arn't kidding? Do you not have any scientific background? Do you not know what protons and nuetrons are? Its like you're worshipping Zues! Do you honestly not know how weather works??

[Born Again Bob]

Re: Lord, Save Our Nostrils From Ball Lightning!

Dear Friend,

Are you seriously thanking god for lightning? Like you arn't kidding? Do you not have any scientific background? Do you not know what protons and nuetrons are? Its like you're worshipping Zues! Do you honestly not know how weather works??

I know that 2+2 makes 5 if the Bible says it's so.

God is very clear. “You shall have no other gods before me.” Exodus 20:3. Those who fail to comply with this First Commandment will be “utterly destroyed.” Exodus 22:20.

You can't be devoted to God and Baal, Jesus and Zeus, the Holy Spirit and the Great Spirit. "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other." Matthew 6:24.

For that same reason, anyone who puts logic, experience, common sense, ethics or anything else above the Word of God is a cursed idolater. To subject the Bible to any sort of test is in and of itself to turn the criteria of that test into a false god "before" the Living God. Let's start with logic.

LOGIC IS A FALSE GOD
The most basic logical proposition is the principle of identity, A=A. The plain text of the Bible is full of logical contradictions. Ahaziah was 22 and 42 years old when he began to rule. 2 Kings 8:26 and 2 Chronicles 22:2. Saul's daughter Micah had no children, but she also had five sons. 2 Samuel 6:23 and 2 Samuel 21:8. The very last words of Jesus were both, "Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit" and "It is finished." Luke 23:46 and John 19:30 . God does not repent, but he does repent. Num. 23:19 and Ex. 32:14. And on and on.

If I were a worshipper of the false God of logic, the principle of identity would box me in.

I could claim that these seeming contradictions are not really contradictions when squinted at in a certain light, and assuming things that are nowhere stated, and assuming other things that no disinterested observer in her right mind would ever believe. In short, I could be intellectually dishonest and fudge the results. The result is being faithless to two masters (logic and God) instead of just one.

But if, as a faithful worshipper of logic, I follow logic's inexorable operations, I would have to say that contradiction in the Bible implies the falsity of one of the Biblical premises in question. And once we start down this road, there is no stopping. I would have to start denying whole swathes of the Bible, preferring in each case my devotion to the golden calf of logic.

The True Christian™ does not have this dilemma. If the Bible affirms something, it is true, even if it contradicts something else that is also in the Bible. Illogical? Who cares? God will not be made to bow down before logic. I shatter your golden calf with my stone tablets.

EXPERIENCE AND COMMON SENSE ARE FALSE GODS
I believe in giants and unicorns. Numbers 13:33 and 23:22. I believe in dragons. Deuteronomy 32:33. I believe in behemoths and leviathans. Job 40 and 41. You say they're only fit for Trapper Keepers, but I know otherwise. The Bible tells me so.

I believe the value of pi is 3. 1 Kings 7:23. I don't care that this caused me to flunk geometry one year. The Bible tells me so.

I reject the idea that the Earth spins on any axis, or revolves around the sun...it moveth not. 1 Chronicles 16:32. And, of course, I reject the idea that Earth is a sphere...it has borders. Isaiah 11:12. I've seen all the space pictures and science films, read the science. Don't care. The Bible tells me so.

Think otherwise? You're worshipping science, mathematics, or the evidence of your senses, NOT GOD. And you will be utterly destroyed.

SECULAR ETHICS IS A FALSE GOD
My God would, and did:
* send bears to massacre 42 little children who made fun of a prophet's bald head. 2 Kings 2:23-24.
* lead his chosen people on the genocide of 12,000 men women and children. Joshua 8:25.
* harden Pharaoh's heart against letting the Isrealites go, and then smite Pharaoh for having a hard heart. Exodus, passim.
* command an old man to kill his only son as a blood sacrifice. Genesis 22.

If your God wouldn't, or didn't, you have put someone or something before the God of the Bible. And your reward will be fire and eternal darkness.

Yours in Him,
bab

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: Lord, Save Our Nostrils From Ball Lightning!

Are you seriously thanking god for lightning? Like you arn't kidding? Do you not have any scientific background? Do you not know what protons and nuetrons are? Its like you're worshipping Zues! Do you honestly not know how weather works??

Even if you were right about how the weather works, who do you think made the sky?

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Lord, Save Our Nostrils From Ball Lightning!

FACT: No TRUE Christian™ has EVER been struck by ball lighting in the nose. NEVER! That's right, in the entire history of Landover Baptists this has never happened. This is PROOF that payer works.

End of discussion.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Lord, Save Our Nostrils From Ball Lightning!

FACT: No TRUE Christian™ has EVER been struck by ball lighting in the nose. NEVER! That's right, in the entire history of Landover Baptists this has never happened. This is PROOF that payer works.

End of discussion.

SHOUT GLORY Brother BJ!


Why, I have never been struck by balls of any kind.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Lord, Save Our Nostrils From Ball Lightning!

SHOUT GLORY Brother BJ!


Why, I have never been struck by balls of any kind.

Now Miss Daisy Mae you know that's not true. Remember that time I hit you in the head with that baseball?

Something like 15 or 20 times as I recall.

[Born Again Bob]

Re: Lord, Save Our Nostrils From Ball Lightning!

Dear Friends,

For those who doubted the efficacy of this prayer, I am proud to report that I have gone more than a month ball-free.

PRAISE HIM!

bab