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Folks, as you all know I have begun my tenure coaching the pee-wee football team for the Landover Baptist Church and after only 3 games my coaching abilities have already come into question as well as numerous wild and unbased allegations about my on field and off field conduct, I would like to address any and all concerns here and now in an open forum and offer my perspective on all these slanderous things that have been attributed to myself and my team. I would also like to say that this is pee-wee football and that my team is composed of 8 and 9 year olds that some parents are simply taking this too seriously.
The first accusation that has been made about me is that there is no racial diversity on the Landover Baptist Sultan Strom Thurmonds. To this I would like to point out that not only is the team's laundry person an Asian but that our water boy is also a blackie. Many have asked why I don't have blacks on my team, particularly in key positions like quarterback or linebacker, to this I must insist that blacks do not have the mental capability to play such a demanding position. Name one professional football team that has ever won the Super Bowl with a black quarterback. Not to mention that the average feral street negro is not fit for playing sports like the superior white man and that the abilities of the black man are performed far better by Caucasians.
Others have questioned my involvement with organized crime- siting the fact that the starting quarterbacks of every team we have faced this season has been brutally attacked and had his legs broken during the days leading up to the game. Frankly I find these allegations to be the most wild and hurtful to my character. I know nothing about these young boys and how they MAY have been followed on the way home from school by goons in unmarked black sedans, grabbed off the street and had their legs broken by a crowbar and the thought that I would have anything to do with it is just absurd.
Thirdly I would like to say once and for all that I never tore the radio antenna off my car and used it to lash my starting quarterback during practice before a game and that the 50 parents and relatives that witnessed it were simply mistaking my coaching techniques as brutal punishment against a 9 year old.
I would not like to comment on the allegation that my defensive line held down and gang raped an 8 year old cheerleader behind the concession stand during half time of our second game while I video taped the entire scene while consuming a chili dog. I have already sent the alleged video to the pastors and they have assured me that no foul play occurred and that they thoroughly enjoyed my camera work. What my team does off the field is none of my concern and as long as they show up every Saturday morning and focus on the game whatever they are doing off field is between them and child court.
Lastly I would like to clear up any confusion about the so called bribing I did in the 4th quarter of the first game. I know that from the untrained spectator or coach of the other team's eye it may have looked like I gave the referee several bags of unmarked bills and that suddenly our team received 14 points and then was given the ball on a wild "snapping the ball" penalty by the other team on the opposing team's one yard line capped by a 1 yard TD run by me but this is all lies and hearsay.
I hope this clears up any and all questions you may have about my coaching of the Landover Baptist Sultan Strom Trurmonds and reaffirms your faith in my ability to lead this team to a championship. We have started the season 3 and 0 with the help of a stingy defense and a backup quarterback who has stepped up to fill the shoes of our injured starting quarterback who is out because of deep lacerations to his back.
The first accusation that has been made about me is that there is no racial diversity on the Landover Baptist Sultan Strom Thurmonds. To this I would like to point out that not only is the team's laundry person an Asian but that our water boy is also a blackie. Many have asked why I don't have blacks on my team, particularly in key positions like quarterback or linebacker, to this I must insist that blacks do not have the mental capability to play such a demanding position. Name one professional football team that has ever won the Super Bowl with a black quarterback. Not to mention that the average feral street negro is not fit for playing sports like the superior white man and that the abilities of the black man are performed far better by Caucasians.
Others have questioned my involvement with organized crime- siting the fact that the starting quarterbacks of every team we have faced this season has been brutally attacked and had his legs broken during the days leading up to the game. Frankly I find these allegations to be the most wild and hurtful to my character. I know nothing about these young boys and how they MAY have been followed on the way home from school by goons in unmarked black sedans, grabbed off the street and had their legs broken by a crowbar and the thought that I would have anything to do with it is just absurd.
Thirdly I would like to say once and for all that I never tore the radio antenna off my car and used it to lash my starting quarterback during practice before a game and that the 50 parents and relatives that witnessed it were simply mistaking my coaching techniques as brutal punishment against a 9 year old.
I would not like to comment on the allegation that my defensive line held down and gang raped an 8 year old cheerleader behind the concession stand during half time of our second game while I video taped the entire scene while consuming a chili dog. I have already sent the alleged video to the pastors and they have assured me that no foul play occurred and that they thoroughly enjoyed my camera work. What my team does off the field is none of my concern and as long as they show up every Saturday morning and focus on the game whatever they are doing off field is between them and child court.
Lastly I would like to clear up any confusion about the so called bribing I did in the 4th quarter of the first game. I know that from the untrained spectator or coach of the other team's eye it may have looked like I gave the referee several bags of unmarked bills and that suddenly our team received 14 points and then was given the ball on a wild "snapping the ball" penalty by the other team on the opposing team's one yard line capped by a 1 yard TD run by me but this is all lies and hearsay.
I hope this clears up any and all questions you may have about my coaching of the Landover Baptist Sultan Strom Trurmonds and reaffirms your faith in my ability to lead this team to a championship. We have started the season 3 and 0 with the help of a stingy defense and a backup quarterback who has stepped up to fill the shoes of our injured starting quarterback who is out because of deep lacerations to his back.
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