[BrotherLarry]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Thank you, Sister, for clarifying your current maritalness. As a single woman, I imagine you have not had proper direction and discipline related to dental care. It is urgent that you learn to take care of that horsemouth, lest it decline into St Vitus' Disease.

As a certified equine gnathologist, I am aware of certain similarities between the human dental system and that of a horse. I am saddened that you have developed such a foul state of disrepair.

Perhaps the LORD has led us to be together so that I might give you the oral care you've been without. Our mouths are important, Sister. Consider the words of our LORD in Romans 10:10, for instance. Or Matthew 15:11, Ephesians 4:29, and numerous others.

I want you to be able to use your mouth in ways that you've never dreamed. I cannot practice human dentistry for that would be unethical and unlawful. I can, however, teach you to use that mouth for the LORD, and to care for it in Christian love. Please consider this offer, which just may have been brought about by the Holy Ghost, and let me know. In just seven days, I bet I can have you on your knees, using that mouth for the purposes the LORD GOD intended. (His praise, and confession of sin)

COME, LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Brothers and Sisters, I am in need of advice. Last night, I received news that I am now a widow and my husband left no will, meaning by the secular courts, I now own his property (though really, it is my sons'). My husband was murdered by Negros while at Black Lives Matter rally, preaching about God's message and God's ordination of black people to serve only. I praise Jesus because I know he is rejoicing in Heaven where he no longer has to deal with the heathen, sin-filled world anymore, so in that sense, I am happy for him. But I will miss his guidance and wise words and discipline.

Now, he was the head pastor, and I'm at my father's house with my father as the temporary trustee with my sons since I know a women cannot make decisions for herself or she would make a bad one. My father and the other pastors at our church have told me it is better for me to take a husband for women, especially young ones, are too foolish to be alone and my sons need a godly male role model. Do you have any suggestions on how to proceed?

Mournfully Yours in Christ,
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson

[Basilissa]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Brothers and Sisters, I am in need of advice. Last night, I received news that I am now a widow and my husband left no will, meaning by the secular courts, I now own his property (though really, it is my sons'). My husband was murdered by Negros while at Black Lives Matter rally, preaching about God's message and God's ordination of black people to serve only.

Now, who is the oppressed minority in this country? We hear about every single black man shot by police, yet this news was ignored by all media completely.

My father and the other pastors at our church have told me it is better for me to take a husband for women, especially young ones, are too foolish to be alone and my sons need a godly male role model. Do you have any suggestions on how to proceed?

I believe you just did proceed by announcing your availability on this Godly forum, dear.

[handmaiden]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Elizabeth, dear-- may I so address you? My heart goes out to you in your time of sorrow, but I have every faith that Jesus will provide for you.


Keep praying, and before you know it, you will have a new head to govern your sinful body.


I will rejoice over you on that day, because it will be a Glory to Jesus when you offer witness to prayers answered by Him. Any feelings of jealousy will be quashed within me (by virtue of constant prayer) and I will smile my brightest, horsey grin on your wedding day.


Just promise me that you won't wear one of those strapless wedding dresses that seem to be de rigueur these days.


What is wrong with young women nowadays? Would they normally wear a strapless dress in church? So why do they think it is appropriate when taking sacred vows to be pure and submissive?


Well, don't get me started on modern fashion, what matters is that you will honor Jesus by making some True Christian Man happy. Excuse me now, while I go choke back some tears.


Supportively Yours,


Handmaiden

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Elizabeth, dear-- may I so address you? My heart goes out to you in your time of sorrow, but I have every faith that Jesus will provide for you.


Keep praying, and before you know it, you will have a new head to govern your sinful body.


I will rejoice over you on that day, because it will be a Glory to Jesus when you offer witness to prayers answered by Him. Any feelings of jealousy will be quashed within me (by virtue of constant prayer) and I will smile my brightest, horsey grin on your wedding day.


Just promise me that you won't wear one of those strapless wedding dresses that seem to be de rigueur these days.


What is wrong with young women nowadays? Would they normally wear a strapless dress in church? So why do they think it is appropriate when taking sacred vows to be pure and submissive?


Well, don't get me started on modern fashion, what matters is that you will honor Jesus by making some True Christian Man happy. Excuse me now, while I go choke back some tears.


Supportively Yours,


Handmaiden

Dear Handmaiden, thank you for your support, and I'm praying that the Lord will show you His plans soon, for you are such a darling woman. I'll pray for your husband so that he can man-up and be the husband a Christian woman like you deserves and needs. And, I wholeheartedly agree with you that fashion has gone bonkers and more sinful as women are to wear a modest gown when they marry and submit to their new heads. Lovingly in a sisterly fashion, Elizabeth

[handmaiden]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Dear Handmaiden, thank you for your support, and I'm praying that the Lord will show you His plans soon, for you are such a darling woman. I'll pray for your husband so that he can man-up and be the husband a Christian woman like you deserves and needs.

Oh, my former husband remarried years ago. He chose another dyed-in-the-wool-then-washed-repeatedly-in-bleach "Christian" such as himself. She had a son and a former spouse of her own. Oddly, my ex chose to rename her then four-year-old with a feminine version of my own name. Then, having changed the child's last name to be the same as his, he had a little me he could pat on the head.


One assumes that the "little me" was willing to overlook his stepfather's completely inconsistent approach to God's Holy Word. But, then, he was only four at the time.


As a mature woman ten times that age, I cannot brook such lack of obedience and discernment regarding the Bible. For me, it's the Bible Way the whole way or the highway. If one does not follow its Every Word, why bother God with a halfhearted, self-deluded attempt to obey?


Either one is a dog that stays right on its master's heal, or one is no dog at all. Who needs a dog that follows for a few seconds before wandering off to sniff the bushes at the slightest provocation? Jesus has better things to do then yank on our leashes and keep whistling, "here, boy".


Don't make Jesus waste His time whistling. Obey the whole and you will be the best dog you can be.


Remember, ladies, obeying your husband is just like obeying Jesus. Your husband is just holding the leash for Him.


Analogolistically Yours,


Handmaiden

[BrotherLarry]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Brothers and Sisters, I am in need of advice. Last night, I received news that I am now a widow and my husband left no will, meaning by the secular courts, I now own his property (though really, it is my sons'). My husband was murdered by Negros while at Black Lives Matter rally, preaching about God's message and God's ordination of black people to serve only. I praise Jesus because I know he is rejoicing in Heaven where he no longer has to deal with the heathen, sin-filled world anymore, so in that sense, I am happy for him. But I will miss his guidance and wise words and discipline.

Now, he was the head pastor, and I'm at my father's house with my father as the temporary trustee with my sons since I know a women cannot make decisions for herself or she would make a bad one. My father and the other pastors at our church have told me it is better for me to take a husband for women, especially young ones, are too foolish to be alone and my sons need a godly male role model. Do you have any suggestions on how to proceed?

Mournfully Yours in Christ,
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson

Sister Johnson,
That's wonderful news!
Uh, I mean - how terrible. You must be devastated. I think you should, indeed, take a new husband. In fact, I am sure of it. I would love to advise you about this brave step.
I take it there has been no word about the murderers' description, right?
None at all?
No word?


Well, I am going to go pray for you and I want you to know that I will be here for you each step of the way for the rest of our lives together.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Do you have any suggestions on how to proceed?

Paul has already addressed this dear. It would be better for you to remain unmarried and celibate so your every moment can be devoted to serving Jesus (1 Corinthians 7:8). Of course if you can't keep your panties on, then marriage is an acceptable alternative to being a skanky whore (1 Corinthians 7:9).

[handmaiden]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Paul has already addressed this dear. It would be better for you to remain unmarried and celibate so your every moment can be devoted to serving Jesus (1 Corinthians 7:8). Of course if you can't keep your panties on, then marriage is an acceptable alternative to being a skanky whore (1 Corinthians 7:9).

Brava on quoting our dear Brother Paul. His writings are the best, aren't they? Thank Jesus that Jesus called him to speak for God about how we should conduct ourselves as True Christian women. Those first century Christians had many challenges to face and Paul's instructions are timeless, because they were revealed to him by God Himself.


Regarding Sister Elizabeth's panties, since she is still a fertile field, it seems to me that her duty is to marry and produce more Soldiers for Christ. The sinners are out there popping out so many babies out of wedlock and True Taxpaying Americans are footing the bill for all that prenatal care as well as 18 years or more of Medicaid.


I used to work for a company helping people apply for medical assistance and almost none of the parents requesting such assistance were married, at any time, to any of their children's various parents.


One woman was in a gosh-darn hurry to get her teen-aged daughter's Medicaid renewed because, as she put it, "She needs her birth-control." How about self-control? The only good thing about paying for that young woman's birth control is that it's less expensive than paying for her prenatal care and then the resulting pediatrician visits.


But to get back to Sister Elizabeth. Naturally, you will want some prenatal care to keep your pregnancy from interfering with your other duties. As someone experienced in gestation, you know to pray first, then seek a Godly doctor's advice. What matters most, though, is that you don't indulge in any of those techniques that are supposed to make the pain more bearable.


Remember, your suffering in childbirth tells Jesus how sorry you are for being like Eve. It's also a good way to remind yourself not to enjoy sex. As long as things go smoothly enough for your husband to do his duty, there's just no need to get carried away.


I will pray for you to refrain from any unseemly expressions of enthusiasm whilst being serviced by your future husband. I imagine the whole thing will prove uncomfortable for him as well.


Primly Yours,


Handmaiden

[BrotherLarry]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Paul has already addressed this dear. It would be better for you to remain unmarried and celibate so your every moment can be devoted to serving Jesus (1 Corinthians 7:8). Of course if you can't keep your panties on, then marriage is an acceptable alternative to being a skanky whore (1 Corinthians 7:9).

Sister Mary,
I want you to think of our dear LORD JESUS, how much he loves you, and how he suffered and died for YOU. Yes, you were on His mind on Calvary's tree. Now I want you to think back in time a little more, when He was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. Remember His loneliness and pain? How He felt so alone? So uncared for? He did that for YOU, Sister.


Would you want Sister Elizabeth to feel that way? Unloved, alone, lonely, craving to be a suitable helpmeet to a nice, kind, loving husband? Wanting to have more soldiers for Christ's Army? Of course not!


Don't you just LOVE Jesus, Sister Mary? Really - spend about five or ten minutes thinking of all He's done for YOU and how He watches over you every waking moment. You are more important to Him than the lilies of the field. And no, I'm not trying to get your mind of the situation at hand at least not much, but I know how sidetracked you get when you think of Jesus and His love and gift of Salvation(R).


So, let's just let our dear, beautiful, kind, loving and recently available Sister Elizabeth cling to the hope that she won't live out her days as a widow because I don't intend to let that happen.


Wow, how JESUS loves you, Sister Mary! Now - go and think about that for a while and be sure to share how that makes you feel. Bathe in that honey from His Rock. Bask in the afterglow of your sweet hour of prayer.


GLORY!

[handmaiden]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

. . . And no, I'm not trying to get your mind of the situation at hand

You made a grammatical error.


Something-I-Don't-Have-The-Time-For-This-Nonsensely Yours,


Handmaiden


P.S. Okay, maybe it was a typo. But a girl can have standards, all right?

[James Hutchins]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Just before I shot it, a little bird told me this is the year that our own Pastor Zeke ties the knot with 'you know who'!
I can just picture him in an all white on white tux while God shines a spotlight (twice the normal glare) of sun rays on him as he enters the Church.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Just before I shot it, a little bird told me this is the year that our own Pastor Zeke ties the knot with 'you know who'!
I can just picture him in an all white on white tux while God shines a spotlight (twice the normal glare) of sun rays on him as he enters the Church.

Good thing you killed that bird, brother. Daisy's dreams of becoming a rich Flint helpmeet (or the star of The Real Housewives of Freehold) have about as much chance of coming to fruition as the prospect of Didymus becoming a believer in Jesus. (Although I do pray for Brother Didy every day).


I believe in prayer. It is powerful. GLORY!


But I won't pray for this wedding because the Bible urges us not to pray for silly things. But we also have to listen to the Word of God when it tells us to pray for everything and that it will happen. Unless we're sinning or harbor unforgiveness or ask outside His Will. Oh what a wondrous and mighty GOD we serve. Glory!

[Diesel Stanford]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

I sadly already been married for nearly 20 years. But I swear, I try my best to be a goldy husband. But I wouldn't say that my wife was trying her best to be a godly wife. Really not. And she turns 50 this year.

And about Didy... I also pray for him. It's faith in Christ that saves... not our works, not Bible knowledge. he reads the Bible daily but he is still lost like the devil.

But well, he's definitely more godly than any Catholic or Mormon. Still, I wouldn't count Didy as an Atheist. If he was a true Atheist, he wouldn't care about God at all.

Every Christian should be praying for him!

"Heir to Pureheart BMW, Cadillac, Lexus
Heir to Pureheart Chevrolet"

Amen, that also are the four best car companies in the world!

[dwk8102]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

I'm sure I could be the perfect Dad And/Or Husband 38 , Welsh/British And fed up of the old whoree wh's asleep next to me right now.. Stupid, Old , Frigid fucking slag.. PLEASE LORD Send me a SISTER From another Mister -- As anything has to better than this.. come on down ladies s xxxxxxxxx

Here are a few tips to start. Please feel free to add your own suggestions. I'm sure the single ladies will appreciate it.

#1: Touch his arm when you are speaking to him. This will get his attention.

#2: Send him a random text message midday. A True Christian man will appreciate a special scripture quote.

#3: Ask him a question about sothing he knows a lot about (such JESUS or fixing cars or mowing the lawn)

#4: Give him a very specific compliment. Always make the compliment sincere.

(Telling a guy he's funny, handsome, or smart or extra GODLY is always appreciated but don't be too flirty, he will think you are a whore)

#5: Show off your cooking talents by baking him his favorite pie or a nice pot roast after Church on Sunday.

#6: Show off your cleaning abilities by cleaning his house on a weekly basis.

#7: Wash his feet like you would for JESUS.

Dating news flash: Guys like to show off for you. So if your True Christian gentleman could use an ego boost, there's nothing like letting him feel like an expert. Ask him about fishing, JESUS, how to BBQ the perfect pig -- whatever he's in to. Just remember to nod frequently and look really interested (but not like a whore).[/QUOTE]