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  • #1

    Dr. Niles? Are you there?

    Dr. Niles

    I was hoping you might be available for some one-on-one counseling someday soon (you can bring your nephew). I just have to open up some things to you and sit under your expert training. You may, of course, lodge in my home. During your visit, I'll introduce you to my lovely parents while your nephew plays with some of the local True Christian(TM) boys in my expansive pool (I have lifeguards to take care of them).

    Kindly let me know when is best for you. God has truly blessed you with a huge talent and I want to absorb some of it so that I may be a better soldieress for Jesus.

    Meekly,
    Miss Lamb
    1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
    Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
    Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
    Locations in 50 States and Canada
    !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
    Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
    Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Dr. Niles? Are you there?

    Originally posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb View Post
    ...I have lifeguards to take care of them...
    Um... FPD To Enforce the No-Lifeguard-But-Jesus ordinance

    Whatever True Christian(tm) man ever decides to try to save your soul is going to have his work cut out for him.

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Dr. Niles? Are you there?

      Originally posted by Didymus Much View Post
      Um... FPD To Enforce the No-Lifeguard-But-Jesus ordinance

      Whatever True Christian™ man ever decides to try to save your soul is going to have his work cut out for him.
      Once again, the arrogance of the unsaved rears its ugly, lust ridden head. I know the plans you have for me - plans to remove my hope and my future; plans to rob me of my prosperity and to harm me because I speak the truth of JESUS, whom you abhor.

      I assure you, vile man, that you will have no purchase within my garments. While I was unaware of the ordinance prohibiting lifeguards, it makes me no more likely to accept your whiskey induced advances (Is it Jack Daniels or Jim Beam?). It makes me even more fervent in keeping your strong, manly hands from touching my smooth, milky skin!

      If you would like to speak more about your sin-sick soul, I can fit you in on Tuesday. Be aware that I will travel with a strong, Godly chaperone and he will be listening in from outside the room!

      Defending my faith and purity,
      Miss Lamb
      1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
      Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
      Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
      Locations in 50 States and Canada
      !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
      Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
      Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Dr. Niles? Are you there?

        Originally posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb View Post
        Once again, the arrogance of the unsaved rears its ugly, lust ridden head...
        And you're welcome for saving you the cost of at least a bylaw ticket (and the extra "Please Forgive Me" tithe that accompanies all violations in Freehold).

        ...Defending my faith and purity,
        Miss Lamb
        Good luck with that.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Dr. Niles? Are you there?

          Originally posted by Didymus Much View Post
          And you're welcome for saving you the cost of at least a bylaw ticket (and the extra "Please Forgive Me" tithe that accompanies all violations in Freehold).



          Good luck with that.
          Sir, (and I give you this respect only because you are a man)

          I am grateful for the fact that you've informed me of an obscure ordinance - one which I shall surely contest at the next town meeting - but I will not be lusted after by someone who does not believe in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

          You should know that I am on my knees for you as I write this, asking GOD to touch you from head to toe with the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Through the BLOOD OF JESUS, I command the foul demons that seek to steal your soul to return to the vile pits of HELL from whence they came. In JESUS NAME, the power of Christ compels you to leave this man now! Hallelujah! Christ is Risen! Christ will come again! GLORY!

          So, what about this Tuesday thing?

          Miss Lamb
          1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
          Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
          Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
          Locations in 50 States and Canada
          !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
          Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
          Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Dr. Niles? Are you there?

            Originally posted by Didymus Much View Post
            Um... FPD To Enforce the No-Lifeguard-But-Jesus ordinance
            Isn't it pathetic, that a Hellbound God-hating atheist knows more about God's rules than a True Christian™ not-so-young "lady"?



            Anyway...

            Originally posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb View Post
            ...in my expansive pool...
            What kind of pool is that again, my sweet Sister? Does it expand and contract? Are you trying to lure a young, impressionable boy into some kind of a trap?!
            God created fossils to test our faith.

            * * *

            My favorite LBC sermons:
            True Christians are Perfect!
            True Christian™ Love.
            Salvation™ made Easy!
            You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
            Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
            Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
             Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
            Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
            The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
            Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
            God HATES Rational Thinking!
            True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Dr. Niles? Are you there?

              Counselling? No True Christian (tm) needs counselling, except for spiritual counselling administered by the pastors. Are you weak? Only the pathetic Unsaved need counselling as they are infested with demons. On the other hand, thinking about it, I'm sure you are infested with demons - ahh, forget about it. It still stands though, True Christians (tm) don't need non-spiritual counselling.

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Dr. Niles? Are you there?

                Originally posted by Basilissa View Post
                What kind of pool is that again, my sweet Sister? Does it expand and contract? Are you trying to lure a young, impressionable boy into some kind of a trap?!
                I believe that her swimming ability is on a par with her knitting ability. I think we should toss her into the middle of her little puddle and see if she floats like a duck, or sinks like a witch we expect her to.

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Dr. Niles? Are you there?

                  Pastoral Counseling is available 24/7 for all True Christians. Depending on your Tithing Level, you may or may not be able to afford it. My email address is at the bottom of my signature below. Christian confidentiality(r) assured.
                  Who Will Jesus Damn?

                  Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                  Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                  Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Dr. Niles? Are you there?

                    Originally posted by Didymus Much View Post
                    And you're welcome for saving you the cost of at least a bylaw ticket (and the extra "Please Forgive Me" tithe that accompanies all violations in Freehold).



                    Good luck with that.
                    Sir,

                    Will pray that you will not attack Miss Lamb's dignity and virtue in words or actions! She is a wonderful lady. Remember the verse Matthew 5:28, "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." I am praying for you.

                    Sincerely,
                    Elizabeth
                    "Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Dr. Niles? Are you there?

                      Originally posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb View Post
                      Dr. Niles

                      I was hoping you might be available for some one-on-one counseling someday soon (you can bring your nephew). I just have to open up some things to you and sit under your expert training. You may, of course, lodge in my home. During your visit, I'll introduce you to my lovely parents while your nephew plays with some of the local True Christian™ boys in my expansive pool (I have lifeguards to take care of them).

                      Kindly let me know when is best for you. God has truly blessed you with a huge talent and I want to absorb some of it so that I may be a better soldieress for Jesus.

                      Meekly,
                      Miss Lamb
                      I do have a very long waiting list but thinking about my youthful, eager young clean limbed young Newphew having the time of his life in your pool with fellow willowy, young boys gives me a mind to put my personal needs to one side.

                      Will next this Thursday at about 1pm be convenient. It should be a warm day and I'm sure the my Newphew and the boys will enjoy the pool.

                      I'll bring his swimming trunks.

                      YIC
                      1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

                      Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

                      Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

                      Comment

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