I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

[Bob]

Attila's Wife said I should make a post here. My mom agreed. I am Bob. My mom says I am a catch. My father left the house. He left for a Catholic priest who is 27 years older than him. They know each other for a long time. My mom says all Catholics will burn in Hell because they ignore the Bible. I also collect small stones.

If you want to be my girlfriend you have to ask my mom. She wants to be sure you are not a slut before you become my girlfriend. I cannot wait to get a girlfriend. My mom says it will be any day now.

I got this list from my Pastor. They are tips from the Bible for finding a girlfriend. I hope it helps me finding a girlfriend.

1) Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deut. 21:11-13)

2) “Lay hold on” a virgin who is not betrothed to another man, and "know" her, but afterwards pay her father a sum of money. Then she’s yours. (Deut. 22:28-29)

3) Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

4) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.--Moses (Ex. 2:16-21)

5) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.--Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

6) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.--Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

7) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.--Adam (Gen. 2:19-24)

8) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife.--Jacob (Gen. 29:15-30)

9) Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife.--David (1 Sam. 18:27)

10) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone.--Cain (Gen. 4:16-17)

11) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.--Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

12) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.”--Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

13) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though.)--David (2 Sam. 11)

14) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law!)--Onan and Boaz (Deut. or Lev., example in Ruth)

15) Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.--Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

16) A wife?--Paul (1st Corinthians, chapter 7)

[Mary Thompson]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Well if all goes according to plan with Eva Christianson's husband , then I bet she would go for you.

[Mother Of Seven]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Well if all goes according to plan with Eva Christianson's husband , then I bet she would go for you.

Before that is suggested, we should ask Bob if he has both 2 stones and an undamaged privy member.

[Mary Thompson]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Yes indeed, Mother of Seven. Brother Bob, are you are a whole man?

[Bob]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Brother Bob, are you are a whole man?

I asked my mom what you meant by this and then she got very angry. She said I disappointed her and Jesus and started crying. She cries a lot.

My Pastor was visiting me in the hospital today. He visits me a lot. He is a great man. He wanted to know when I would start working on his pool again. When I told him about your question he seemed surprised. Then some things happened I want never to talk about. Ever. Then my Pastor said the answer to your question is yes. He also said that I am not one of those Matthew 19:12 eunuchs. I don't know what that means. I hope this will help me finding a girlfriend. It was very unpleasant.

[Mother Of Seven]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Bob, I'm sure Sister Mary will join me in apologising to you, if asking that question caused you so much grief and pain

[Attila's Wife]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Before that is suggested, we should ask Bob if he has both 2 stones and an undamaged privy member.

Mo7, Bob does mention in his first post that he collects small stones. I would assume that this means he has more than 2.

Bob dear, what with dividing your time between your mom's basement and your pastor's pool hole, it strikes me that you're probably not meeting a lot of women. Unless you want to restrict your options to No. 7 on your list - and God is a busy deity who probably has more urgent matters to attend to - then you probably need to get out more.

The hospital is a good start. Are there any young nurses there who have not yet been sullied by the work? If you went into the mental health department, you might get lucky.

In any event, always remember Proverbs 12:4 and do not settle for damaged goods. A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: But she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.

YiC
AW

[Mother Of Seven]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Mo7, Bob does mention in his first post that he collects small stones. I would assume that this means he has more than 2.

Is that a good or a bad thing?

[Bob]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Are there any young nurses there who have not yet been sullied by the work?

I asked my mom about this and then she got mad. She said all nurses are whores. So I am not allowed to ask a nurse to become my girlfriend. Then she hit me when I looked at one of the nurses. There are a lot of nurses here so now I am not sure what I am supposed to look at. So I suppose I have to stare at my stones all day.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

I asked my mom about this and then she got mad. She said all nurses are whores. So I am not allowed to ask a nurse to become my girlfriend. Then she hit me when I looked at one of the nurses. There are a lot of nurses here so now I am not sure what I am supposed to look at. So I suppose I have to stare at my stones all day.

Welcome to the forums, dear. Perhaps you could spend that time looking at the pages of your Holy Bible. Spending time with Jesus is the most important thing anyone can do!

[Bob]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Perhaps you could spend that time looking at the pages of your Holy Bible.

I feel ashamed. I didn't think of that. My mom, my Pastor and Jesus are disappointed in me. Thank you for your kind advice! Will you be my girlfriend?

My Pastor has given me a reading list. I will be reading Hosea 1, Jeremiah 3:3, Judges 11:1, Ezekiel 16, 1 Kings 14:24, Numbers 25, Ezekiel 23, Joshua 2, Genesis 38 and 1 Kings 3. My Pastor says those will teach me about the kind of woman I don't want to have as girlfriend.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

I feel ashamed. I didn't think of that. My mom, my Pastor and Jesus are disappointed in me. Thank you for your kind advice! Will you be my girlfriend?

My Pastor has given me a reading list. I will be reading Hosea 1, Jeremiah 3:3, Judges 11:1, Ezekiel 16, 1 Kings 14:24, Numbers 25, Ezekiel 23, Joshua 2, Genesis 38 and 1 Kings 3. My Pastor says those will teach me about the kind of woman I don't want to have as girlfriend.

No, Bob. No I will not be your girlfriend. Besides being married already, my heart belongs to Jesus, my eternal Bridegroom.

[Mary Thompson]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

I apologize if I offended you, Bob. How about you ask the Pastor again for his daughter's hand in marriage? This time, try to stay focused on that and tell the Pastor that if he does not give you a girlfriend he is going against the Bible.
Or just rape a virgin and pay some money to her father (Deut. 22:28-29).
God Bless you,
MT.

[M. Mansfield, MD]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Bob,

First of all, not all doctors are mean. Some doctors are very nice people. Do you like nice people, Bob? I think you are very nice. Promise me that you will not tell Mother about my note to you. Will you promise, Bob? Good.

I think your mother sits in a very scornful seat, Bob. Do you know what scornful means, Bob? It is not nice - not nice at all. You, however, are a nice person, and you should never sit in the seat of the scornful. God tells us not to in His special Book, the HOLY BIBLE.

The next time one of those nice nurses comes to visit, ask her if you can speak to the psychologist on call. Tell her it must be very private. Then talk to the nice psychologist about the things mother does. You can even tell the psychologist that you're hoping to find a girlfriend. Ask him if he thinks you're ready for such a thing.

Do not be sad if he says no! Instead, be happy that you know that you are a good person and one that will someday meet a very nice person that is just as nice as you. My precious wife, Jennifer, looked at your photo and said that you are handsome. Isn't she nice? And remember: YOU ARE NICE, TOO!

Pray to Jesus and ask Him to heal your mind. One more thing: be sure the nice psychologist adds my referral fee to your hospital bill. Don't say anything about this to Mother. I will be praying for you.

Psalms 1:1
Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsell of the vngodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornefull.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

My Pastor says those will teach me about the kind of woman I don't want to have as girlfriend.

Friend, are you familiar with the term vagina dentata? If not, google it when your mother isn't paying attention.

Copulation before marriage is expressly forbidden, of course, but if you ever get a girlfriend you plan on marrying, you might want to take a quick peek at her....unmentionable area....and check it for teeth, if you think you can stomach it. Better safe than sorry. Good luck!