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Billy Bob Jenkins Billy Bob Jenkins is offline
Family Man of the Year 2010-2013
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Default Re: God Hates Asexuals - 12-11-2013, 05:11 PM

Unborn babies are certainly among the least Christian demographic, having categorically never heard of Jesus or read the Bible. They also count as souls, and can therefore be condemned to the same Hell as Hitler. They are also asexual, and therefore defying many of God's commandments as outlined throughout this thread.

Babies certainly deserve to be aborted, but that does not give us the right to administer this divine punishment. Only God has jurisdiction over the inward parts of the womb, to punish the unborn for their crimes against nature.

The second most guilty category of soul is the newborn. They have still never embraced the truth of Jesus. In some ways they are even more guilty than the unborn, since they actively reject the Good News upon hearing it. But many of them have been baptised and are therefore incrementally closer to repentance than the wicked fetus. Still incapable of fulfilling God's reproductive requirements, a broken baby monitor can easily push these foul creatures over the precipice into aeternal damnation.

The next category of asexual actively campaigning against its creator is the prepubescent child. These abominations still have not taken the first step towards fruitful multiplication, but at least they have nominally accepted the value of Biblical doctrine in some cases. They cannot obey the law, but they can comprehend its importance, by imagining the flames of Hell torturing them forever and ever. Closer to eternal safety from God than ever before, they often read the Bible and fantasize about a hereafter in which God does not hate them.

Still falling short of the mark, the next category of damned soul closer to achieving salvation is the unmarried adolescent. These rogues are at least capable of fulfilling God's will, but have not gotten around to it yet.

The first category of saved person, not as highly esteemed as Ezekiel Bathfire or myself, but good enough of a category to contain many saved people, is the rapist category. Among rapists there are many who follow God's law to the letter. They pay the rape fee without haggling. They have biological children. Some even fight the liberal court system and the daughters of their victims for ownership of them, so that these children can be taught to serve the Lord by a qualified rapist instead of a wanton harlot who resists God's gift of salvation through childbirth. These are the people we should have baby sitting our children during their awkward adolescent years, in hopes that they can be saved without the hassles and complications of courtship. Rapists are fully capable of serving God as any True Christian™, even if they are not pastors or anti-sodomy activists.

Then there is the highest category of divine creature, the True Christian™ householder. These men do not even have to rape their wives, because they have educated their families in the importance of doctrinal compliance. The looming threat of divine retribution means that everyone in the home is agreeable to the dictates of a True Christian™ householder. They are the least asexual of the six classes, and therefore the most saved.


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