Tweet
Cot death is also called SIDS -- an acronym which stands for sudden infant death syndrome. Cot death isn't any one illness or disease. Rather, it's a diagnosis, given when an apparently healthy baby under the age of one dies without warning. When doctors and investigators can't pinpoint a cause after performing a full investigation including an autopsy, review of family and medical history and examination of the death scene, the cause is clearly an act of God. It is hard for us mere mortals to say why God chooses to smite babies in this fashion, yet it is clear that they must have displeased Him somehow. Today, I'm going to show you how to minimise the risk of cot death by eradicating liberal and atheistic tendencies in one's infant.
Put your baby to sleep on his or her face
It is a well-known fact that demons can enter a child during sleep, and demon-possessed children being slain by God is a major cause of cot death. Putting a child to sleep with its face and stomach down is a surefire way of reducing the risk of demonic entry via the mouth or nose.
Don't allow liberals to prevent you smoking near your baby
During the 2004 elections, the tobacco industry donated over $2,000,000 to the Republican party. This is a good and Godly industry, unjustly persecuted by various forms of totalitarian and liberal secularists. Exposing your child to smoke from an early age will help to immunise it against secularist/liberal propaganda.
Use soft sleeping surfaces for bedding
Waterbeds, beanbags, baby nests and other soft surfaces are excellent for this purpose. The use of a firm, flat mattress may lead to gender confusion, and should be avoided.
Avoid underheating your baby
An insufficiently warm room, too little bedding, or bedding that cannot cover a baby's head sufficiently are associated with an increased risk of cot death. If you fear your baby may be falling under Satanic influence, it is important that you give your baby a chance to sweat it out: sweating, damp hair, heat rash, rapid breathing and restlessness all indicate that a child is being kept at the correct temperature.
It is important that you give your child room to move around; placing its feet at the foot of the cot or pram and tucking covers in securely so that they cannot slip over the child's head are both examples of the sort of behaviour that may lead to your child becoming a work-adverse hippy, and thus a prime candidate for God's wrath.
Put your baby to sleep on his or her face
It is a well-known fact that demons can enter a child during sleep, and demon-possessed children being slain by God is a major cause of cot death. Putting a child to sleep with its face and stomach down is a surefire way of reducing the risk of demonic entry via the mouth or nose.
Don't allow liberals to prevent you smoking near your baby
During the 2004 elections, the tobacco industry donated over $2,000,000 to the Republican party. This is a good and Godly industry, unjustly persecuted by various forms of totalitarian and liberal secularists. Exposing your child to smoke from an early age will help to immunise it against secularist/liberal propaganda.
Use soft sleeping surfaces for bedding
Waterbeds, beanbags, baby nests and other soft surfaces are excellent for this purpose. The use of a firm, flat mattress may lead to gender confusion, and should be avoided.
Avoid underheating your baby
An insufficiently warm room, too little bedding, or bedding that cannot cover a baby's head sufficiently are associated with an increased risk of cot death. If you fear your baby may be falling under Satanic influence, it is important that you give your baby a chance to sweat it out: sweating, damp hair, heat rash, rapid breathing and restlessness all indicate that a child is being kept at the correct temperature.
It is important that you give your child room to move around; placing its feet at the foot of the cot or pram and tucking covers in securely so that they cannot slip over the child's head are both examples of the sort of behaviour that may lead to your child becoming a work-adverse hippy, and thus a prime candidate for God's wrath.
Comment