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  • #1

    Introduction

    Hello my friends. Finally I have found a forum suitable for real Christians like myself.

    My name is Henry and I used to be a dirty, filthy alcoholic atheist. I used to think I knew it all and often watched ridiculous videos featuring demons such as Christopher Hitchens, Neil DeGrasse Tyson and other monkey loving ignorant fools.

    One day i was being a typical atheist scumbag and because I was so blind I accidentally wandered into my local church, Ebenezer Chapel. There were about 4 people in there getting ready for an evening of worship and I started mocking them with my circular logic and asked them if god could make a curry so hot that he couldn't eat it. I felt proud of my powerful faith destroying statement and turned around to walk out only for the wind to blow the church door shut and slam me in the face.

    I was then informed it was God's way of making me stay. And I knew from that very moment that God was real and was calling me.

    I have been in love with God ever since that day and was no longer an alcoholic. The only thing I thirsted for was the blood of Christ.

    That's my testimony, I'm ashamed of my former ways. But I hope with your help I can become a better man.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Introduction

    Welcome to God's favorite forums! Good to know that you turned away from your sinful ways, but you left out some vital information. What is your favorite Bible verse? Remeber KJV only. Are you married? If so, how many children have you produced for God?

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Introduction

      Originally posted by KateSanders View Post
      Welcome to God's favorite forums! Good to know that you turned away from your sinful ways, but you left out some vital information. What is your favorite Bible verse? Remeber KJV only. Are you married? If so, how many children have you produced for God?
      My apologies. My favourite verse would have to be Phil. 4:13

      I have one child. No I am not married and no longer with his mother. I had my child when I was an atheist lowlife so didn't respect the family unit the LORD desires. My son is now 6 and I hope it's not too late to undo some of the damage I have done.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Introduction

        GLORY! Jesus sent you here just in time. He could've dropped a piano on your head, but instead He guided you here.



        As an aside, I just don't see God eating something as injun-inspired as curry. I bet He likes Tabasco.

        Yours in Christ,

        Z. Smyth
        sigpic

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Introduction

          Welcome, Brother.

          I am glad you got off the road to Hell. It's a slippery slope, that one.

          Inspire us with your testimony.

          God Bless!
          God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Introduction

            Originally posted by Holy Henry View Post
            My apologies. My favourite verse would have to be Phil. 4:13

            I have one child. No I am not married
            Not married?
            Aww, sweetie. Let Naomi help you through this terribly dark time in your life.

            Yours,
            NRL
            1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
            Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
            Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
            Locations in 50 States and Canada
            !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
            Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
            Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Introduction

              Originally posted by Alvin Moss View Post
              Welcome, Brother.

              I am glad you got off the road to Hell. It's a slippery slope, that one.

              Inspire us with your testimony.

              God Bless!
              How I knew it was a miracle is because before then the door used to open inwards, and it still does open inwards.... But that day it didn't.

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Introduction

                How inspirational! Welcome to our friendly forums! Any friend of is a friend of mine!

                Tell me, how does the LORD inspire you to share the Good News?
                Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Introduction

                  Originally posted by Holy Henry View Post
                  Hello my friends. Finally I have found a forum suitable for real Christians like myself.

                  My name is Henry and I used to be a dirty, filthy alcoholic atheist. I used to think I knew it all and often watched ridiculous videos featuring demons such as Christopher Hitchens, Neil DeGrasse Tyson and other monkey loving ignorant fools.

                  One day i was being a typical atheist scumbag and because I was so blind I accidentally wandered into my local church, Ebenezer Chapel. There were about 4 people in there getting ready for an evening of worship and I started mocking them with my circular logic and asked them if god could make a curry so hot that he couldn't eat it. I felt proud of my powerful faith destroying statement and turned around to walk out only for the wind to blow the church door shut and slam me in the face.

                  I was then informed it was God's way of making me stay. And I knew from that very moment that God was real and was calling me.

                  I have been in love with God ever since that day and was no longer an alcoholic. The only thing I thirsted for was the blood of Christ.

                  That's my testimony, I'm ashamed of my former ways. But I hope with your help I can become a better man.
                  Welcome, Henry.

                  I rejoice in Jesus Christ the Lord that you are among those few who have turned their back on atheopathic lies to follow Jesus©. And it's a good thing since I have no doubt that any day now Jesus is going to rain fire and brimstone down on each and every laboratory in this country outside of Freehold.

                  The atheists you mentioned have recently reached a new low as they now worship some fellow named Higgs Boson. There simply aren't words to describe the blasphemy.

                  I look forward to your Godly participation on Jesus' Favorite Message Boards.

                  Warm Regards,

                  Pastor Ed

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Introduction

                    Welcome to God's favorite forum. How many times were you anally raped while you dabbled in the atheist lifestyle? Howe many Christian babies did you eat?

                    If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

                    If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

                    You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

                    Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.
                    Who Will Jesus Damn?

                    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Introduction

                      Pastor, I was never anally raped when I was an atheist pig. I willingly allowed men to sodomise me and it was a lifestyle choice I enjoyed for many years. The thought that there was no God heightened the attraction I felt towards men.

                      I believed I was born that way, but I also foolishly believed I was born color blind too until I realised I was living a lie. God showed me I had made the wrong lifestyle choices and has spoken directly to me and confirmed this since I was saved.

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Introduction

                        Originally posted by Holy Henry View Post
                        Pastor, I was never anally raped when I was an atheist pig. I willingly allowed men to sodomise me and it was a lifestyle choice I enjoyed for many years. The thought that there was no God heightened the attraction I felt towards men.

                        I believed I was born that way, but I also foolishly believed I was born color blind too until I realised I was living a lie. God showed me I had made the wrong lifestyle choices and has spoken directly to me and confirmed this since I was saved.
                        Hello Again, Henry. As you may have noticed, I have offered to assist you in your pathway to finding a peace that will satisfy you and bring you the joy that only comes from intercourse with the faithful servants of JESUS.

                        However, upon learning of your past sodomite experiences, I would also recommend you immediately contact Dr. Laurence Niles. He is greatly experienced with homosexuality. One might consider him an expert on the gaywise, since he has devoted much of his life to watching them. Indeed, when he is not caring for his lithe, sinewy and well-proportioned nephew, he is likely frequenting establishments where the gaywise gather so that he may provide research vital to eradicating that blight on society. I am confident that Dr. Niles can help you forget those experiences and help you to find new, more exciting ones in Christ.

                        I look forward to our future communication as you grow hard and fast in your experience with the LORD.

                        Prayerfully,
                        MISS Naomi Ruth Lamb
                        1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
                        Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
                        Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
                        Locations in 50 States and Canada
                        !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
                        Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
                        Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Introduction

                          Hi Naomi.

                          I am thankful for your offer of assistance, and I am very interested.

                          How do you propose we go forward with this?

                          Comment

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