Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

[Cranky Old Man]

With all the bad examples set by Obama, Oprah and all those other people who aren't as white as Jesus, people are losing touch with the reality of the Holy Bible. It is time to fix this and go back to the ways taught to us by Jesus Christ Himself!

#1 You are out of food.
What would Obama/Oprah do: Steal food.
What would a fluffy bunny false Christian do: Buy food.
What should a True Christian™ do instead: Pray for food!
Why? Matthew 21:22 "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."

#2 Your kids are annoying.
Obama/Oprah: Give them drugs.
False Christian: Ask them to stop.
True Christian™: Hit them until they bleed!
Why? Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

#3 You catch your son watching porn.
Obama/Oprah: Do a live porn show for him.
False Christian: Throw away the porn.
True Christian™: Poke out his eyes!
Why? Mark 9:47 "And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire"

#4 You catch your daughter having sex.
Obama/Oprah: Join them and have incest.
False Christian: Tell them to stop.
True Christian™: Burn down your house with your daughter still in it!
Why? Genesis 38:24 "And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt."

#5 You get sick.
Obama/Oprah: Slaughter and burn a virgin.
False Christian: Go to a doctor.
True Christian™: Suffer and die!
Why? Romans 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned"

#6 Your wife brings home a dog and a cat.
Obama/Oprah: Have sex with them.
False Christian: Welcome them and feed them.
True Christian™: Kill either the dog or the cat!
Why? Leviticus 19:19 "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind"

#7 You get a visitor from out of town.
Obama/Oprah: Have an orgy.
False Christian: Invite them in and be nice to them.
True Christian™: Kick them out immediately because all outsiders are evil!
Why? 2nd Timothy 3:8 "Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith."

#8 A women talks to you.
Obama/Oprah: Rape her.
False Christian: Engage in conversation with the woman.
True Christian™: Tell her to shut up immediately!
Why? 1st Timothy 2:11-12 "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."

#9 You catch your son masturbating.
Obama/Oprah: Start masturbating as well.
False Christian: Ask him to stop.
True Christian™: Cut off his hand!
Why? Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched"

#10 Someone makes a mistake.
Obama/Oprah: Make an even bigger mistake.
False Christian: Forgive them and move on.
True Christian™: Punish them severely!
Why? John 7:24 "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment." 2nd Timothy 4:1-2 "I charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom; Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine."

[James Dewitt]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Cranky the world will be better off when everyone is a True Christian. Its a lot less complicated.

[God's Flaming Sword]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Superb work as always Brother Cranky - one question though.

With regard to point four - If the man in question might be raping your daughter would it be prudent to wait until he had finished to see if he was intending to pay his 50 shekels of silver and take the daughter off your hands?

Does it not tell us in Deuteronomy 22:28-29 If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.

Obviously if he was not forthcoming with the money then lock them both in the house and burning it to the ground would be the correct course of action

I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

YIC

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

The Holy Bible has several strategies for when your daughter gets raped. But since it is just a worthless daughter we are talking about here, I would advice the burning her approach. If it would have been a son I would go for the forced marriage option.

[Johannes Kirkeholm]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Great list, brother Cranky. Whenever some idiotic socialist points out that we should send money and food down to the country of Africa I remind them of point no. 1 and explain them that we should send down Bibles instead.

#1 You are out of food.
What would Obama/Oprah do: Steal food.

What would a fluffy bunny false Christian do: Buy food.
What should a True Christian™ do instead: Pray for food!
Why? Matthew 21:22 "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."

[Gods Hand!]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Praise this list, Brother Cranky, praise every word it says!

#11. Your True Christian™ son punches a homer.
Obama/Oprah: Punish the kid and have sex with the homer to make up with him
False Christian: Tell the kid everyone is equal.
True Christian™: Praise the kid, go out and beat homers up together!
Why? Leviticus 20:13 ''If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.''

[dominoes delivers]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

With all the bad examples set by Obama, Oprah and all those other people who aren't as white as Jesus, people are losing touch with the reality of the Holy Bible. It is time to fix this and go back to the ways taught to us by Jesus Christ Himself!

#1 You are out of food.
What would Obama/Oprah do: Steal food.
What would a fluffy bunny false Christian do: Buy food.
What should a True Christian™ do instead: Pray for food!
Why? Matthew 21:22 "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."

#2 Your kids are annoying.
Obama/Oprah: Give them drugs.
False Christian: Ask them to stop.
True Christian™: Hit them until they bleed!
Why? Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

#3 You catch your son watching porn.
Obama/Oprah: Do a live porn show for him.
False Christian: Throw away the porn.
True Christian™: Poke out his eyes!
Why? Mark 9:47 "And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire"

#4 You catch your daughter having sex.
Obama/Oprah: Join them and have incest.
False Christian: Tell them to stop.
True Christian™: Burn down your house with your daughter still in it!
Why? Genesis 38:24 "And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt."

#5 You get sick.
Obama/Oprah: Slaughter and burn a virgin.
False Christian: Go to a doctor.
True Christian™: Suffer and die!
Why? Romans 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned"

#6 Your wife brings home a dog and a cat.
Obama/Oprah: Have sex with them.
False Christian: Welcome them and feed them.
True Christian™: Kill either the dog or the cat!
Why? Leviticus 19:19 "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind"

#7 You get a visitor from out of town.
Obama/Oprah: Have an orgy.
False Christian: Invite them in and be nice to them.
True Christian™: Kick them out immediately because all outsiders are evil!
Why? 2nd Timothy 3:8 "Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith."

#8 A women talks to you.
Obama/Oprah: Rape her.
False Christian: Engage in conversation with the woman.
True Christian™: Tell her to shut up immediately!
Why? 1st Timothy 2:11-12 "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."

#9 You catch your son masturbating.
Obama/Oprah: Start masturbating as well.
False Christian: Ask him to stop.
True Christian™: Cut off his hand!
Why? Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched"

#10 Someone makes a mistake.
Obama/Oprah: Make an even bigger mistake.
False Christian: Forgive them and move on.
True Christian™: Punish them severely!
Why? John 7:24 "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment." 2nd Timothy 4:1-2 "I charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom; Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine."

have you tryed these on anyone yet or are they just meaningless words?
and if so what did the police have to say about it?

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

have you tryed these on anyone yet or are they just meaningless words?

Of course not. There is not a single word in God's Holy Bible that is meaningless!

and if so what did the police have to say about it?

In Freehold the police only employs True Christians(tm) so they know there is nothing more important than God and His Holy Bible!

[Hank]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

#9 You catch your son masturbating.
Obama/Oprah: Start masturbating as well.
False Christian: Ask him to stop.
True Christian™: Cut off his hand!
Why? Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched"

This happened to me when I turned 19 and my pa started M'ing coz he been a wishy washy faggit Obama voting liberal. I often wonder if it has anything to do with how I went astray. Who knows how awesome my life could have been now if I was raised by a Bible believing True Christian family. I could have even been a Pastor.

[HTannor]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

In Freehold the police only employs True Christians™ so they know there is nothing more important than God and His Holy Bible!

And in my court, the sworn words of a Freehold police officer are good enough for me.

[Shemhamforash]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

With all the bad examples set by Obama, Oprah and all those other people who aren't as white as Jesus, people are losing touch with the reality of the Holy Bible. It is time to fix this and go back to the ways taught to us by Jesus Christ Himself!

#1 You are out of food.
What would Obama/Oprah do: Steal food.
What would a fluffy bunny false Christian do: Buy food.
What should a True Christian™ do instead: Pray for food!
Why? Matthew 21:22 "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."

#2 Your kids are annoying.
Obama/Oprah: Give them drugs.
False Christian: Ask them to stop.
True Christian™: Hit them until they bleed!
Why? Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

#3 You catch your son watching porn.
Obama/Oprah: Do a live porn show for him.
False Christian: Throw away the porn.
True Christian™: Poke out his eyes!
Why? Mark 9:47 "And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire"

#4 You catch your daughter having sex.
Obama/Oprah: Join them and have incest.
False Christian: Tell them to stop.
True Christian™: Burn down your house with your daughter still in it!
Why? Genesis 38:24 "And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt."

#5 You get sick.
Obama/Oprah: Slaughter and burn a virgin.
False Christian: Go to a doctor.
True Christian™: Suffer and die!
Why? Romans 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned"

#6 Your wife brings home a dog and a cat.
Obama/Oprah: Have sex with them.
False Christian: Welcome them and feed them.
True Christian™: Kill either the dog or the cat!
Why? Leviticus 19:19 "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind"

#7 You get a visitor from out of town.
Obama/Oprah: Have an orgy.
False Christian: Invite them in and be nice to them.
True Christian™: Kick them out immediately because all outsiders are evil!
Why? 2nd Timothy 3:8 "Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith."

#8 A women talks to you.
Obama/Oprah: Rape her.
False Christian: Engage in conversation with the woman.
True Christian™: Tell her to shut up immediately!
Why? 1st Timothy 2:11-12 "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."

#9 You catch your son masturbating.
Obama/Oprah: Start masturbating as well.
False Christian: Ask him to stop.
True Christian™: Cut off his hand!
Why? Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched"

#10 Someone makes a mistake.
Obama/Oprah: Make an even bigger mistake.
False Christian: Forgive them and move on.
True Christian™: Punish them severely!
Why? John 7:24 "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment." 2nd Timothy 4:1-2 "I charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom; Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine."

The above is all <vile profanity removed>! Read on and realize the truth of the words that follow:
#1 Satan represents vital existence, instead of spiritual pipe dreams!
If you want food, go get it, instead of praying to something that doesn't exist, hoping for it to happen.
#2 Children shall be praised for their innocense and pure thougts.
#3 If you're not comfortable with that, then encourage him to go out and get some real pussy instead!
#4 She's expressing lust. Let her be and give her the privacy she deserve!
#5 Get better and continue to enjoy you life to the fullest!
#6 Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.
#7 If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy. If not, then be nice to him and show him some hospitality.
#8 When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask the person to stop. If the person does not stop, destroy the person.
Make no difference in male or female.
#9 It's completely natural, and everyone does it sometime. If you're going to cut his hand off, then begin with cutting off you own!
#10 Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

[Didymus Much]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

...#10 Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

How do you not see the irony in your own comment?

[Shemhamforash]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

How do you not see the irony in your own comment?

That depends. Taking in consideration that I made this accont only to give a good answear to that post, so no, there's no irony in it. This is just entertaining
And here's another entertaining thing: http://sprengmeister.org/nsfw/jesusishitler/

Hail Satan!

[Didymus Much]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

That depends. Taking in consideration that I made this accont only to give a good answear to that post, so no, there's no irony in it....

No, it doesn't depend on that. What you are doing is complaining about that "to which you need not subject yourself", while you are telling someone else NOT TO DO that.

[4.55 Billion]

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Dear True Christians,

I am brought to tears by the loathing you place upon others. The Lord Jesus Christ loves everyone. Honestly, a man's religion is based mostly on how he was raised (This is why many Indians are Hindu, Middle Easterns are Muslims, and Westerners are Christian).

God will allow the pure of heart into His Kingdom, and cast the wicked into Hell for eternity. Your blind hatred and cult-like processions are a mockery of real Christians.

Real Christians have benevolence towards all. They do not hit their wives or sell their daughter's virginity. They do not physically or verbally assault homosexuals. They forgive, as would Jesus Christ, God's only Son, our Lord.

I will pray to God every night in hope that you will see the wicked ways of Landover Baptist Church. If you want information on the REAL Christianity (and not a false one, which endorses HATE and VIOLENCE), feel free to reach me via email at [personal e-mail address removed].
In God's HOLY Name,
4.55 Billion

P.S. The user name is IRONIC