Greetings again, fellow True Christians! I hope you are having a fine weekend attending church, praying, bombing abortion clinics, and whatever else you do for entertainment during this festive Merry Christmas
I just wanted to let you all know that there has been even more progress on my charitable hard work in Uganda. I just completed a video conference with the Ugandan president and his cabinet, and we have reached a very important compensation, free trade and investment agreement.
The first point was to resolve an issue that goes back to 2010, when my company's logging operation in the Ugandan mountains was (unjustly) accused of causing landslides that buried villages. Although it's been mostly forgotten, this was big news at the time
In fact, I am 100% certain that the landslides were not caused by our logging. Indeed, my company produced a scientific study proving that removing all the trees from steep mountain slopes prevents
landslides (all the weight from trees actually makes the mountain fall down). Nevertheless, the lying liberal media is always trying to smear the job creators, and they whipped up anti-corporate passions in Uganda.
Village buried because of excess trees
Fortunately, we've resolved the problem amiably. Although we admit to no wrongdoing, we are going to give compensation to the families of all those who perished. Every one of them will receive a free ticket to Disneyworld in Florida! Of course, they do have to pay their own transportation, but as an extra benefit they will be credited with double their frequent flyer miles! I just know that the Ugandan villagers are going to be overjoyed when they learn of their good fortune!
At the same time that we negotiated the above agreement, we also came up with a new plan for investing in Uganda. In accordance with our policy that a helping hand should not be a handout, we are going to create real jobs for real people, so that this unfortunate poverty stricken Negro country can develop into a first-world nation.
The main business of our new Ugandan subsidiary will be removing unneeded items from our factories in China, to be shipped and stored in Uganda where they will undoubtedly prove to be very useful. For example, we are going to move these items to an elementary school where they will provide recreational facilities for children...
School playground recreation equipment
As important as it is to support education, we also need to supply items that can be put to immediate industrial and construction use. Some of the items that we send will provide badly needed landfill.
Totally safe landfill at hospital construction site
We've also consulted with oceanographers, who have told us that these (always warm) containers are very favorable for the growth of marine life. Thus, they can form coral reefs, causing a big revival in the Ugandan fishing industry.
Artificial coral reef is a Godsend for fishermen
Looks to me like another win-win for my company and the people of Uganda. It's the best thing to have happened to this country since they were ruled by Republican President Idi Amin