Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS
Dear Friends,
Although this is a problem of which I have been relieved by my conversion to eunuchdom, I fear that many of our brothers and sister remain in thrall to the demon MASTURBATION. Just today, a female member of our congregation confided in me that she intended to spend all afternoon playing her "djuidoo." While I tried to convince her that she should djuidon't, I fear that she may have given in to the many-fingered self-lust that stunts the sexual development of so many Christian youths. And so, I ask you to join me in the following prayer, and mention those poor afflicted souls for whom you particularly pray: Dear Lord, who never improperly handled your own blessed genitals, we ask that your great self-control be a shining model unto others, who in treacherous sexual self-dealings have stimulated their orifices and glands with lascivious thoughts and deeds. We pray not only for those who use pornographic materials such as may be found at most Indian-run bodegas, but also for those who misuse lingere catalogs, childern's television shows, and pulsing shower heads. Grant that they who engorge and relieve like so many brute animals be filled instead with your grace, and spooge and cream no more, their hot fluttering fingers, racing pulse, and million spasming muscles being replaced by a mind and body dedicated to mortification and prayer. Dear Lord, we particularly pray for all the tiny donged-Japaneesie floating down the Yahtzee river. Yours in Him, bab :innocent: |
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Amen.
Spilling ones seed in vain is a sin. Psalm 127:3-4: |
Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS
Amen, Brother BAB.
Unlike you I did not undergo the snipperectomy, but resorted to a crash program that consisted of wearing boxing gloves and watching "The Sound of Music" for seven straight days. To this day if I feel an urge arising, I need only think of Julie Andrews and Willy gets wee once again. Rev. Rodimer told me he used an 8 x 10 glossy of Nancy Pelosi to achieve the same results. |
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There are various ways to prevent masturbation. For example, when I get sinful urges I just think about my annoying neighbor Mrs. Johnson. That usually fixes the sinful urges for weeks.
I always use the following Biblical advice for chronic masturbators who fail to get rid of their filthy habbit: Quote:
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I recently purchased a Winchester just like that one. (It will probably show up on your next Platinum card statement.) |
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From my experience as a security officer here at Freehold having had to deal with some "youthful indiscretions" of various congratulation members I would also like to add the following items to BaB's heartfelt prayer to end masturbation; vacuum cleaners, toilet plungers, plastic models of the locomotive of the 20th Century Limited, brass decorative French style fence posts*, garden hoses and (as unlikely as it sounds) large restaurant style blenders. * Don't ask when the security detail describes a woman as a "large gal" |
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Nowadays I prefer to open my Bible and read either from Leviticus chapters 1-7 or chapters 1 Chronicles 1-9. Those are guaranteed to make you forget any excitement you might have felt.:thumbsup: I previously tried Song of Solomon, Ezekiel and Revelation, but they didn't work that way. |
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Amen!
Replace 1st "stumble" with "look at porn" and 2nd "stumble" with "masturbating" - we know what to do! "If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." Matthew 5:29 Our Lord has granted us infinite wisdom through the Good Book! Unfortunately, most of us are too weak to live out the Word. Let us help out brothers and sisters to get rid of their weakness! |
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This prayer request open my eyes to see that I have done nothing to prevent my sons to masturbate. Of course I try to teach them to be good Christians, but sometimes Satan will corrupt them even you beat them regularly. My kids are only 5 and 7, so should I start to tie their hands during the night? Or is it too late?
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Yours in pure Faith in Jesus, Hakkesei |
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Dear brothers and sisters,
As some of us may have noticed brother Faith_Machine strayed from his path and masturbated after devious woman told him pornographic stories today. This is a sad story indeed. Let us all pray for him to find his way back to Jesus, and again forget his sinful masturbatory ways. Afterall he's clearly repenting and trying hard. He just needs a little bit of extra help. :helpsmilie: I'm praying for him right now. |
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All nonsense. It's easy to give up masturbating, you just need strength of character! I gave up yesterday and twice this morning with no problem.
Just get a grip! YiC Jack |
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Please do continue to pray for me, brothers and sisters. I've been on a multi-day masturbation binge, or as I like to call it, a "masturbinge," since before Living_Water posted the above prayer request.
I am so ashamed of myself right now, and the more I hate myself for doing this, the more I do it! I've even been looking at the Lane Bryant catalog. |
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If you cant keep your hands off your tallywacker with out abusing it, CUT OFF YOUR HANDS!:innocent: Mark 9:43 And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: |
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Wouldn't it be better to sever my manhood? I feel I would be a burden to society if I had no hands, and would be forced to collect welfare.
Also, even without hands, I fear I would be tempted to visit the so-called "glory holes." Have you heard about these things? Men put their manhoods through holes in wallls, and really attractive women on the other sides of these walls perform unnatural acts upon them. |
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Deuteronomy 23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD |
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:Jumpy: |
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hey Bob how did you castrate yourself ?
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